Chapter 8: Hell Scream
Last time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Beatrice, Mother, and the Kuiper Belt decided they'd get even with Filgaia once and for all! Together, they created the league of fantastic dark evil villainy of doom! With their sights on Filgaia, can Jack and Gallows stop the three doom bringers before it's too late?
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Duras Drum picked his dark self up from the sand, rubbing his backside as the mechanical giant Asgard01 let loose a volley of steam from its joints. Ge Ramtos backed off into the night, allowing Duras to handle this problem.
"Give him a left! And then a right! And then another left!" Gallows cheered from the rooftop of Pandemonium.
Jane bonked him on the head with her fist. "I'll give you a left if you don't shut up!"
"Woo woo woo!" Gallows covered his head. "Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk."
Duras Drum narrowed his eyes. "Bring it on mortal!" The giant leaped foreword, trying to go for a punch. Asgard met him head on, both locked in a battle of strength. The two pushed on each other's hands, waiting to see who'd break.
"I am no mortal!" Marivel shouted. Suddenly, Asgard01 hands launched from its arms, clocking Duras Drum right in the face. Duras fell back into the sand, this time for good. Asgard's hands returned and it turned to see Ge Ramtos. Ge Ramtos sweated a little before trying to flee. However, Asgard grabbed onto Ge Ramtos' cloak, ripping it off. What lied underneath surprised everyone.
"Alhazad!" Jack asked, mouth a gape. It was true, for underneath Ge Ramtos' costume was really the shrouded demon Alhazad.
"And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids!" Alhazad sneered.
"What the hell were you doing disguised as Ge Ramtos!" Jane asked. "You have some splainin to do."
"I don't need to explain anything." The giant Asgard then smashed Alhazad into the ground. "O.K, O.K, I'll tell you!" Alhazad was once again smashed into the ground. "I'll tell you everything you need to know!"
Asgard was about to crunch him yet again, but Gallows stepped up. "Hey Marivel, I think he's ready to talk!"
"Are you sure?" Marivel asked, eager to kill something.
Gallows looked back to Alhazad. He was one messy cloak on the rocks. "Yea, I'm sure."
"The guardians are planning something in Meria Boule! If you get there in time, I'm sure you can stop them from destroying everything!" Alhazad warned.
"Right! Then it's off to Meria Boule!" Gallows raised a fist in the air.
"But what about the guardian woman in Baskar?" Magdalen asked.
"Or Christmas at Thunder Lion Cage!" Jack and Jane both asked in unison. Woah, creepy.
"Kekekekeke!" Alhazad laughed. "You'll never make all three!"
"You're a mad man, you know that?" Jane shouted. "A veritable Christmas hater!"
"Man!" Alhazad was insulted.
"Oh yea, Belserk, I mean Berserk, said you're a woman…" Jack realized.
"But Harken said that he was a he!" Jack spoke. "And Alhazad also had that thing for Harken. If he was a she, then he'd be a …lesbian …demon …monster …thing…" Jack was thinking.
"I was going to go with demon." Alhazad corrected. "Now back to business! What will you do!"
Asgard crushed Alhazad once again. There would be no more laughing from this cloak. "That's for waking me up!" Marivel shouted. Asgard then turned to face the four humans on the castle rooftop. "Now unless you guys want to end up looking just like carpet bag over there, start explaining! I don't like my ten year naps interrupted!"
"Man, talk about a bitch!" Jane whispered to Magdalen as the pair stepped back.
"Well, you see, we're on another mission!" Gallows started. "We've been sent to retrieve Christmas!"
"Christmas was stolen!" Jack explained. "By an organization made up of guardians."
"A lot of wacky things have happened so far, but we've traced Christmas to Thunder Lion Cage, but the place is guarded by a lot of guardians!" Gallows said.
"And that's it." Jack stated. "Say, Marivel, why don't you come help us?"
Asgard01's chest opened up and a wall of mist poured out. The night was lit by Asgard's inner workings. Stepping out from the light was a great shadow, causing Jane and Magdalen to nervously sweat. But as the shadow came nearer, it became smaller into the figure stepped out onto the rooftop. Jane and Magdalen could have fallen to the rooftop in embarrassment. Eh, why not? Jane and Magdalen fell down to the rooftop in embarrassment. It was naught but a little girl coming out from the colossal mech.
She was a little girl, or at least in the physical sense. She looked to be about fourteen or so, her skin pale and her long hair blonde. She wore a big blue dress and a blue driver's cap with a black cape. She stood on her tiptoe and crossed her arms over her undeveloped chest. "Bah humbug!"
Jane stepped foreword, a nerve on her forehead. "What do you mean Bah humbug! Christmas is at stake!"
Marivel smiled, letting a fang slip between her lips. "Just what I said. BAH – HUMBUG!"
A cold breeze blew through, letting small flakes of snow filter into the night. Jane was speechless as Magdalen put his coat over her bare shoulders. How could someone say bah humbug to Christmas! Only heartless monsters like the guardians don't like Christmas!
"C'mon Marivel, have a little heart!" Gallows placed an arm over the crimson noble's shoulder. "Think of the kids!"
"Think of the Christmas parties!" Jack pleaded.
"Christmas a humbug!'' said Jane. "You don't mean that, I am sure."
"I do," said Marivel. "Merry Christmas! What right have you to be merry? what reason have you to be merry? You're mortal"
"Come, then," returned the Maxwell woman. What right have you to be dismal? what reason have you to be morose? You're immortal.''
Marivel having no better answer ready on the spur of the moment, said, "Bah!'' again; and followed it up with "Humbug."
"Don't be cross," said Jane.
"What else can I be,'' returned the vampire, "when I live in such a world of fools as this Merry Christmas! Out upon merry Christmas. What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer; a time for balancing your books and having every item in 'em through a round dozen of months presented dead against you? If I could work my will," said Marivel indignantly, "every idiot who goes about with Merry Christmas'' on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!"
"Marivel!" pleaded Gallows.
"Gallows" Marivel returned, sternly, keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine."
"Keep it!" repeated Jane. "But you don't keep it."
"Let me leave it alone, then,'' said Marivel. "Much good may it do you! Much good it has ever done you!"
Gallows sighed. "Well, would you at least escort us back to Baskar? For old times sake?"
Marivel frowned. She looked around and got off her tiptoes. She cleared her throat. "As long as I'm up, I might as well. Allow me to get my things."
"Before we go," Jack was curious. "I want to see what's under Alhazad's cloak."
Marivel sighed and hopped back in Asgard01, taking control of the massive arms and pulling the cloak off the demon below. What was there surprised everyone, as it was nothing more than a sofa!
"Alhazad was a sofa the whole time!" Jane found it hard to believe.
"It would explain his weird shape…" Gallows thought. "Now let's get going!"
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And thus, the party of five trekked down the snow covered path to Baskar. Baskar's lights could be seen in the distance as they marched on. In the lead was Marivel, with her normal frown, wearing a black top hat, a red scarf, and a black walking cane, followed by the rest of the party and the camel bird. As they marched on, desert monsters slinked behind in the darkness, commenting in song form on the travelers and the infamous crimson noble playing point.
When a cold wind blows it chills you
Chills you to the bone
But there's nothing in nature that freezes your heart
Like years of being alone
It paints you with indifference
Like a lady paints with rouge
And the worst of the worst, the most hated and cursed
Is the one that we call Marivel
Unkind as any, and the wrath of many
This is Crimson Nobel Marivel.
Oh, there goes Ms. Humbug
There goes Ms. Grim
If they gave a prize for being mean
The winner would be her
Old Marivel, she loves his money
Cause she thinks it gives her power
If she became a flavor you can bet she would be sour
(Even the vegetables don't like him)
There goes Ms. Skinflint
There goes Ms. Greed
The undisputed master of the underhanded deed
She charges folks a fortune for her dark and drafty houses
Us poor folk live in misery
It's even worse for mouses
(Please sir, I want some cheese)
She must be so lonely, she must be so sad
She goes to extremes to convince us she's bad
She's really a victim of fear and of pride
Look close and there must be a sweet woman inside
(Nah . . . uh uh)
There goes Ms. Outrage
There goes Ms. Sneer
She has no time for friends or fun
Her anger makes that clear
Don't ask her for a favor cause her nastiness increases
No crust of bread for those in need
No cheeses for us meeces
There goes Ms. Heartless
There goes Ms. Cruel
She never gives, she only takes
She lets her anger rule
If being mean's a way of life you practice and rehearse
Then all that work is paying off, cause Marivel is getting worse
Every day in every way
Marivel is getting worse
Marivel stopped and turned to greet the desert night. "Every time you use my name I want a 10 royalty!" This caused the animal eyes to fade into the dark.
Once they had reached Baskar, the five walked to the bar. Marivel was first to enter, standing in the door and allowing the snowy breeze to filter in. The Baskar inhabitants looked to the vampire and frowned, turning away. "Where are my taxes, poor people!" Marivel shouted as she came in, beaning someone with the end of her walking cane.
"But ma'am, we've only just begun making money. We're still working on the loans you gave us!" The bar tender pleaded.
"Besides! It's Christmas!" Another man stated.
"Not yet it isn't." Marivel spat. "A poor excuse for picking a woman's pocket every twenty-fifth of December. Bah humbug."
Marivel's entourage slipped in silently and stopped at the bar. Gallows cleared his throat. "We rescued the princess. Now about the guardian woman?"
The Bartender pointed to woman beside her. She wasn't a Baskar at all, but an elegant woman with long blonde hair and a long pink and white dress. There was a blue bird sitting on her pal and a squirrel on her head. A deer stood happily behind her as she basked in the light of some mysterious star.
Gallows turned to watch Marivel bicker with the townsfolk as Jack approached the dainty lady. "Excuse me, ma'am."
"Please, call me Altacea." The woman smiled.
"My, what a beautiful name." Jack grinned.
A nerve appeared on Jane's forehead. She scooted herself in right next to Jack. "All right Altacea, start talking. We want to know about the guardians!"
"Or at least their number!" Magdalen shouted from the back.
"The guardians?" Altecea asked.
"And you!" Marivel pointed to a man. "I charge per person living in the house! There's two of you but you're only paying for one!"
"Honest! There's only me!" The man replied.
"You lie! I saw Pooka in your house!" Marivel tapped him with her walking stick.
"Pooka doesn't count!" The man replied.
"He's right about that." Gallows retorted before being whacked across the head with a walking stick. "If I wanted that I'd stay at home with Granny…"
"Yea, guardians!" Jane replied to Altecea.
Altecea put a hand to her chin in thought. "Well, there's twenty three of them."
Jack was wide eyed. "Twenty three of them!"
"We've taken care of eight of them, which leaves," Magdalen counted on his fingers, "fifteen."
"Good God. Will we ever save Christmas!" Jack put his hands on his head.
"MARIVEL!" A deep voice bellowed from outside the bar. Everyone stopped what they were doing at the sound of the voice.
Marivel turned from her business to the door, flipping the scarf over her shoulder. "This had better be good." She walked out of the bar, Gallows following. Once outside, the two were in for a surprise, as three giant beasts stood in the snow, awaiting the vampire's presence. A ghostly presence hovered over the scene, as a translucent image of Anastasia, Marivel's former business partner, came into being. Beyond her long black hair and enormous gloves, the other striking thing about her was the fact she was covered in heavy chains. She slowly made her way to the surprised crimson noble, dragging the chains through the snow.
"Anastasia! But you're dead!" Marivel gulped.
"Seven years." Anastasia replied. "Marivel, I have come to give you a grave message. I am here tonight to warn you, that you have yet a chance and hope of escaping my fate. A chance and hope of my procuring, Marivel."
"You were always a good friend to me," said Marivel. "Thank'ee!"
"You will be haunted," resumed the Ghost, "by Three Spirits."
Marivel's countenance fell almost as low as the Ghost's had done.
Is that the chance and hope you mentioned, Anastasia?" she demanded, in a faltering voice.
"It is."
Marivel looked to the three giants, ghostly guardians. One appeared to be a giant floating white robe wrapped around an invisible man with bright blue wings. Another appeared to be a sort of centaur looking creature with the upper half of a man and the lower half of a vicious beast. And the third was a giant shaggy bull with enormous horns protruding from its sides.
"These are the guardians of Christmas. The guardian of heaven and Christmas present, Solus Emsu, the guardian of towns and Christmas past, Ione Paula, and finally, the guardian of castles and the guardian of Christmas future, Zeldukes." Anastasia introduced the three giants.
"Come with ussssssss…" Solus Emsu beckoned with an invisible hand.
"What are you nuts!" Marivel raised an eyebrow. "You may have scared me for a moment, but I'm an immortal, remember? So I'm not going to be wrapped in chains, wandering the globe forever. So sol long suckers!" Marivel grinned. "Quebley!"
The snowy earth tore apart underneath the guardians as the giant drill robot Quebley appeared. He glanced at the enemies with his one eye before exploding. It was an awful explosion: big, bright, hot. When it was all done and over, there remained nothing but charred, torn earth.
The entire bar was at the door, watching the spectacle at hand. "Well make that twelve." Magdalen corrected himself.
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Nest time on L/I: Gallows and the gang stop by Los Gamoras for some cocoa and Christmas stories. Will Marivel have to tell one, or will her sister (!) tell it for her! Stay tuned for the next L/I: Licensed by Idiots!
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It's now time for Lilka says! Lilka says: What are you celebrating this season? Could it be Hanukah? Or possibly Ramadan? Maybe even Kwanzaa? If it isn't Christmas, don't let the season get you down! Try telling others about your holiday and inviting them to participate! Unless you celebrate Winter Solstice. Don't invite anyone to that. It's boring, tee hee.
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