Authors Note: Well hey there everybody, nice to see you all again. Anyway, now that that spat of violence is over, it's time for some humor, wooo! Their won't be much in the way of Poke'speak, but you can live with that.There will also be some sciencey stuff, but you'll just have to deal with that. HAHAHA! Anyway, this chapter is shorter than others, but I tried having it with Steel Type Shuffle, and it just didn't fit, this break up in the story makes it run more smoothly.
Disclaimer: I do not in any way, shape, or form, own Poke'mon, if I did Ash and May would so make out. Sorry Pokeshippers, but I don't like Misty, or for that matter water-types, give a Gyrados earthquake with EV's in Attack and Speed, it becomes two fucking uber. But I digress, on with the show, enjoy.
Poke'mon Z.E.R.O. Ch2 "Ceilings Really Suck."
(Irregular Productions, Violet City, Johto)
"HOLY CRAP," shouted HES, his eyes bulging and his jaw slack. The television remote that was in his hand fell to the ground. It broke apart and the thousands of evil spirits from the Deamous Baterius were freed and decided to conquer earth. Fortunately Captain Hoboman from the "Kanto Democracy Team," an elite group of superheroes that no one really cared about, used his hobo powers to seal the demons into a VHS tape of ultimate evil. The images of this video were disturbing, putrid, and strangely erotic, and most definitely not suitable for this M rated fanfic. Seriously, you don't want to know.
The Narrator, who we shall now refer to as…Tom, yeah that works. Tom ran into the room, not so much for concern, more so as to gain incriminating evidence to use in extortion. He disappointingly puts his camera down, as there was no random Sentret humping his leg. He looks over to the TV and sees some kind of chase scene. Going up to the actual monitor, he turns the mute button off…by hand! Dear god, it's a travesty against nature!
"This is Gabby Talkenstien reporting to you live from Johto, why the hell are we in Johto? Ty, why are we in Johto?" asks the ace news reporter. The woman frowned as she looked at the camera.
"Well Gabby I, beli," started the voice behind the camera, ace cameraman Ty.
"Shut up Ty!" Shouted Gabby, her face turning into a scowl. "That doesn't matter, anyway, an insane Oddish is barreling down the highway on a motorcycle, when Johto got a highway is beyond me. The Johto police force is attempting to catch this psychotic grass type, but the efforts do not seem to be working. We will now take let you listen in on the actual police conversation with the perpetrator."
"Pull over, you are surrounded, give up!" shouted a police officer using a megaphone, lets call him John. He was shouting at an Oddish riding a motorcycle with handle and petal extensions to actually be able to ride the thing. The Oddish also had sunglasses on and there is a burlap sack stuck onto the back of the cycle.
"NEVER!" screams the Oddish, very loudly. Suddenly several vines erupted from his head and moved to the sack. Then each one came out, each bringing with them an automatic weapon.
"Hey, Oddish can't learn vine whip!" shouted officer John in surprise and disbelief.
"I HAVE A GAME SHARK AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT! " screamed the Oddish, as another vine came out and held up a transparent-blue game boy advance, the game shark clearly in the accessory slot.
"FUCKING N00B!" shouts officer John, just before he and the other police cars surrounding the author are assaulted with gunfire. Those that were killed spun out of control, while those who weren't had to pull from pursuit. The author just laughed manically as he accelerated, leaving the police in his dust.
"…Well fuck," said Tom, seeing the footage.
"Indeed," responded HES.
(Rustboro Hospital, Rustboro City, Hoenn)
"Penguins!" shouted a boy who looked about twelve years of age, bolting up quickly, he looks around the room and scratches his white hair in confusion. His blank eyes search for something familiar. Paper clothes, no, all white room, no, uncomfortable bed, no, thing lodged in his wrist, no, beeping thing, annoying but not something he remembers, wait a minute, thing lodged in his wrist? The boy looked at his wrist again, yes, there was a plastic thing in his wrist, and it was connected to a plastic tube, which was connected to a plastic bag, which was filled with clear liquid. Something was happening here, and he didn't know what it was, but it sure would be easier to figure out if it wasn't for that REALLY ANNOYING BEEPING!
"YAAHHHGGG," screamed the lad, as he located the beeping thing and found it also attached to the thing in his wrist, not thinking clearly, he ripped out the thing, and the beep turned into a monotone whine. This caused the boy to cover his ears, as it was really annoying. He then kicked the whining thing and it fell to the floor. A minute later, several men in green came into the room, not bothering to listen to what they were saying; he immediately decided that attacking them was a good idea.
"YAAHHHGGG," he bellowed again, as he flew through the air and landed a blow to the first man's neck. By some sheer dumb skill (dumb luck is a skill damn you!), he managed to hit a pressure point. This caused the man to fall into unconsciousness, and we all know that unconscious people don't stand up by themselves, so the man collapsed. This gave the boy enough traction to bolt through the door that the men left open. However he wasn't completely successful, as his paper gown got caught on the doorknob. That didn't stop his run thought, and we all know what happens to paper when it is pulled on from both sides. RRRRRIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPP.
(Rustboro Hospital Reception Area, Rustboro City, Hoenn, 15 minutes later)
A young, well-dressed, gray haired man walked through the automatic doors of the hospital and went up to middle-aged woman minding the reception desk. Don't ask me what she looks like, she's not important. USE YOUR FRIGGIN IMAGINATIONS YOU LAZY BUMS, YESH. Anyway…where was I? Oh right, Steven walks up to her and starts a conversation.
"Excuse me miss," asks Steven politely, getting the woman's attention.
"Can I help you?" she asks
"Yes, I'm looking for a patient who was brought here a week ago, he was just brought out of Genetic Therapy and transfer to the recovery ward,"
"Can you please tell me his name?"
"Well I don't know his name, there was no identification on him,"
"I'm sorry sir, if you don't know his name I can't find him,"
"He was in genetic therapy for week, doesn't that narrow it down?"
"I'm sorry sir, but I can't help you,"
"Listen, he had several puncture wounds, a missing eye, blood clots, I'm pretty sure that there's only one patient like that,"
"I'm sorry sir, I can't tell you without a name,"
"Well can I see the patient log, I'm sure I can find him myself"
"I'm sorry sir, I can't let you, it's against policy,"
"Agai…Against policy? Well surely you can make an exception?"
"No sir, I'm afraid that you have to be authorized to see the patient log,"
"Authorized, Authorized! Do you know who I am!"
"No sir, I don't"
"I'm Steven Devon,"
"Who?" asked the receptionist, leaving Steven baffled.
"The Poke'mon League Champion?"
"…"
"Leader of the Elite Four?"
"…"
"Vice-President of Devon Corp?"
"…."
"Owner of this FUCKING HOSPITAL!"
"Please keep your voice down sir, patients are recovering,"
"Geped, stablo, snifgin, degenhorts…. arghhhh!" screamed Steven, pulling at his hair, trying to keep the urge of releasing Godora and having him eat the receptionist down. She filled her nails, uninterested in the league champion's mental breakdown. That was the straw that broke the Camerupt's back. Steven reached for a great ball on his belt, feeling that his lawyers could beat whatever lawsuits came-up. But he never had a chance, as a Caucasian blur ran past him and punched him in the testicles.
"…Owe…" Steven groaned in soprano, falling to his knees and holding his groin.
"Down with capitalism, embrace anarchy!" Shouted the white-haired teen from before. Wearing his birthday suit with pride, he ran away from several men in green uniforms carrying sedatives.
"Come back, we only want to help you!" shouts out a male-nurse of little to no importance. As he and his troop chase after the lad. They run around a randomly placed statue and turn back the way they came. Steven gets back up, but three seconds later, he really wished he hadn't.
"LIES, YOU WORK FOR THE GOVERWAHHH," shouted the youth.
"CRACK"
"MY LEG!"
"…Well that has to suck,"
(Three hours later)
"The majestic Magicarp return here to spawn-bzzt-legendary confrontation, Red vs. Green- bzzt-available now for nine-ninety-nine- bzzt-Super Mega Ultra Beige Hemorrhoid Zord- bzzt-socks- bzzt-you are the weakest link, good-bye-bzzt--HOT SKITTY ON WAILORD ACTION! -bzzt-Due to El nino, the entire Beedrill population of Kanto migrates to Hoenn, however, no one should be alarmed, as Beedrill are harmless, BOOM," went the television set, as a remote was suddenly embedded thought the glass screen.
"…Why am I alive again," asks the still yet to be identified youth with a scowl on his face. His legs were tied together and hung in the support often used for patients with broken legs. The hospital staff had done this to make sure that he couldn't run away, they didn't worry much about his arms because he was pretty weak.
"Genetic Therapy. They 'tricked' some of your other cells into altering their dna to rebuild your damaged parts, usually the person going through the treatment gets fat cells surgically added in to be used so you don't loose mass, but this was an emergency situation, so their was no time, which is why you look younger. What's your name?" rambles Steven, currently decked in a hospital gown with his normal clothes hung on a chair. His leg was also in a support, but unlike the youth, his was actually broken.
"Sean, Sean Costan, how is Poochyena, is she alright, and why is my hair white?" asks the now identified Sean.
"She's fine, she recovered from her injuries but had an allergic reaction to the toxins the poison sting, so the Poke'mon Center is watching her. Your hair, and for that matter your eyes, are like that due to some random side-effect of the therapy."
"All right then."
"Fine," responded Steven, as both of them stared at the ceiling.
"…"
"…"
"…Hey Steven."
"Yeah Sean?"
"Ceilings really suck, don't they?"
"Yep."
(Irregular Productions, Violet City, Johto)
"THIS JUST IN," shouted the TV, "THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES HAS JUST BEEN TAKEN HOSTAGE BY A PSYCHOTIC ODDISH!"
"Aw Fuck"
Next time on Poke'mon Z.E.R.O., Steven and Sean recover, but they don't have time to relax, as Devon Corp. is under attack by it's own security system! And the only thing that can stop it is…the power of dance? Who the fuck writes this stuff? Anyway, tune in for chapter three! "Steel Type Shuffle!"