Chapter 9: Holy Man Sorrow

Last time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Leehalt Alceste, Asgard, and the green spy are about to celebrate Christmas, but can they find a tree to fit in their apartment! Can Melody find Leehalt that one special gift? Will the spy end up kidnapping a Jack ass penguin to give to Asgard! Will Leehalt end up selling his harmonica to get a gift for Ekatrina! Will Asgard score a perfect ten in the break dancing Olympics! Find out now on L/I: Licensed by Idiots!

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Meria Boule in December was a lovely place. Snow covering the tall rooftops, Christmas lights abound, carolers on the street, overall happy days. The trains rolled by at super sonic speed, dropping people off at electronics district or the book district to go Christmas shopping. The Meria Boule tower was covered in icicles and South Fire Mountain in the distance was smoking silently in the early morning light. Though driving wasn't all the rage in Meria Boule, the streets were still in gridlock, however, the majority of the masses walked, rode the train, or bicycled to work, school, or wherever they were going on the December day.

This was not to last…

The air raid sirens went off, filling the air with blaring noise. The orderly streets immediately set into chaos as pedestrians ran to seek shelter. Tanks rolled into the streets, crushing empty cars as jets and helicopters took to the air. Approaching the city was a giant lizard, towering over the cityscape, by the name of Grudiev. Grudiev stepped into the desert sun, tearing through power lines and giving out a harsh cry. The earth shook with every step the monster took, people fleeing in every direction. The tanks stopped at the edge of the city and fired a volley of shells into the green lizard, but found it to no avail. Oh the humanity! Grudiev continued walking, swatting at helicopters like they were flies.

"You know, this Grudiev thing looks a lot like a guy in a rubber suit…" Gallows commented through a pair of binoculars.

"That would be one big rubber suit." Jane replied, looking through her own pair of binoculars.

The pair were lying on a snow-covered ridge outside Meria Boule, looking on as a giant guardian laid waste to the military forces of Meria Boule. Jack showed up, trudging through the snow, and tapping Jane on the shoulder (whom was still wearing Magdalen's coat). "Hey I found this!"

Jane pulled her gaze away from the carnage to whatever Jack was holding. She rolled over and took the object. "Huh, a Giant's Ocarina. I suppose it'll be good for something." She then noticed Jack standing there, as if waiting for something. "Oh, right." She stood up and attempted to pat his head, but he was too tall. So she just patted his face. "Good Boy."

"Wasn't our mission to save Christmas, not combat guardians all over the globe?" Jack scratched his head as he squinted to see the battle in the distance.

"Wherever there's a woman in trouble, I shall be there." Gallows said, not bothering to look away from his binoculars. "I'm surprised at this mother's height. His easily the biggest one yet!"

"I'm still surprised at the fact that Altecea was actually useful." Jack crossed his arms.

Jane kneeled into the snow and took out an army walkie-talkie. "Hey Magdalen, can you hear me?"

Through the static came Madgalens painfully dull voice. "I can hear you loud and clear madam."

"Well, what's the situation down there like?" Jane asked.

"All the locals seem to be in a fuss over the thing, running for their lives and what not. They keep shouting 'Gludiev! Gludiev! Lun fol youl rives!' Terrible pronunciation, these Meria Boulers." Magdalen reported.

"Uh huh…" Jane sighed. "What about the military? What are they planning?"

"Well, they seemed content on continuing firing useless volleys of shells at the thing. Not much change in the plan really."

"I've got an idea!" Gallows spoke up from his position.

"Yea?" Jack asked, placing a hand to his eyes to block the rising sun.

"Grudiev is a giant monster, right?" Gallows began, "And what do we know about giant monsters?"

"Um, the bigger they are, the harder they fall?" Jack shrugged.

Gallows looked over his shoulder at Jack. "No! That they love women! Beauty always kills the beast."

"And then what comes after the beast has a lady?" Jack asked.

"We push him off a cliff or a building…" Gallows explained.

"I hate to tell you this, but there is no building tall enough to push this guy from." Jack scanned the horizon, seeing the smoking volcano that is South Fire Mountain. "But there's a volcano!"

"Alright, so get Grudiev to fall in love with a girl, then have him chase us to the volcano, and then trick him into falling in!" Gallows said.

"Sounds like a plan, Stan!" Jack grinned.

"Heh. What unlucky fool's gonna end up being loved by the monster?" Jane continued looking through the binoculars. The fact that nobody replied worried her. She turned to look over her shoulder and saw the two men with an evil look in their eye. "No No No NO!"

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"And that should do it!" Gallows finished tying a knot. He and Jack had just finished tying Jane to the top of the Meria Boule Tower. Not so that she couldn't get away, just so she wouldn't fall down.

"Sorry Jane, but it's a looooong fall!" Jack gave a weak smile.

Jane had witch die in her eyes. "You all are going to die!"

"Just keep thinking happy thoughts Jane." Gallows explained as he climbed back into a window.

"We'll be right here." Jack gave a thumbs up as he too climbed back inside the tower.

"How do you know he just won't eat me!" Jane shrieked. "This plan is the stupidest thing ever! I will kill all of you!"

Gallows shook his head. "Women…"

The terrible roar came in. Grudiev had completely wasted the tanks and was now entering the city. Buildings were crushed under his weight. Helicopters continued to buzz around. Jane was seriously freaking out as the giant monster came ever closer. "How is my lady doing?" Magdalens voice came in through the radio.

"Uh, she's just fine." Gallows replied into the talkie he was holding.

"Where is she?" Magdalen asked.

"Uh, in the bathroom…" Gallows replied.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Jane screeched as Grudiev lowered his massive head to stare at her. His giant yellow eye analyzed everything about the girl.

"What was that!" Magdalen asked, worried.

"Holy shit!" Jack jumped.

"OK! Time to go!" Gallows ran for the window to untie Jane.

Grudiev reached for Jane, his massive claws easily tearing her away from the tower. Jane was shrieking her head off as Gallows and Jack fought to get out of the tower before the whole thing toppled over. Grudiev roared and turned, walking through the city with his prize in her hand.

"Let go of me you giant iguana!" Jane tried to pry herself from Grudiev's grip. Unexpectedly, Grudiev was knocked over. He fell down, crushing a couple blocks of city with is spines. Jane, screaming, was still fine in his grip. Grudiev looked up to see a giant armored beetle rocketing through the sky.

"It would appear that Auegodies, the guardian of light, has appeared in the city." Magdalen reported through the walkie-talkie.

"Less talking more running!" Gallows shouted as he and Jack ran down the crumbling stairs.

Grudiev picked himself up and roared at the giant beetle that landed on the other side of the city. The two began running towards each other, demolishing buildings under their steps all the while the "Chariots of Fire" theme played. Auegodies, who resembled a man in a rubber suit as much as Grudiev did, took off as Grudiev fired an energy breath attack from his gaping maw. Buildings came down everywhere, collapsing, falling, and or otherwise being decimated by the monsters rampaging. The carnage, the rising death toll, the countless thousands all perishing to "Chariots of Fire" in the morning sun. Wow, this is really dark. Grudiev placed Jane atop the highest rooftop and glanced at her longingly before turning to fight the other guardian. Jane would have had some sympathy for the beast, if she were any other woman but Jane… or Marivel. Grudiev tackled Auegodies, placing him into a headlock and performing a wrestling move upon the giant insect. Auegodies managed to get out of it and kicked Grudiev in the gut while making high-pitched noises.

Jack and Gallows appeared at the stairway upon the rooftop. "Jane!" Jack shouted, running once again to "Chariots of Fire" to get to Jane.

Jane did the same, running in slow motion across the concrete rooftop. However, when they met, it was not a hug but a high heel striking Jack's chin. Jack fell over to the concrete, a pool of blood forming from his twisted neck. One gimel coin later. "If you EVER pull a stunt like that again, I'll kill you and you won't have any gimel coins left!" Jane roared.

"Um, right." Gallows swallowed. "Listen, we need to get on with the plan! To the Butler-mobile!"

The trio ran down to the street, where Magdalen was waiting in the Butler-mobile. It resembled a normal car, but was black and had nifty fins. The three escaped the building not a moment too soon, for Grudiev came crashing through it as they leaped into the car. Grudiev opened an eye, seeing his love and her new captors taking off. This angered the beast even more than it was already. It picked itself up and roared, following the escaping car. Auegodies was confused as to why it was suddenly left alone. Was Grudiev running away? NO! No mercy for you! Auegodies rocketed off, following Grudiev and eventually ramming square into the back of Grudiev's head. Grudiev came toppling down yet again.

"Must go faster! Must go faster!" Jack shouted as Grudiev was about to fall right on top of them.

"I'm going as fast as I can!" Magdalen growled. "What do you think this is, the mach 5?"

Grudiev's chin crashed into the earth right after the Butler-mobile swerved off, narrowly missing lizard related death. The car continued on the road, it wouldn't be much longer till they reach the top of South Fire Mountain. Grudiev rolled over and caught Auegodies' incoming fist. Grudiev then commenced to giving the beetle a face full of energy breath. Eventually, Auegodies gave out, the energy breath piercing the armor and blowing right on through the giant beast. The guardian rolled over into the snow-covered field, dead. Grudiev roared and picked himself up, seeing the car a bit off. The lizard then ran right after him.

"He's catching up!" Jane shouted.

"Jane, just in case we don't make it," Jack grabbed Jane by the shoulders and commenced to giving her one bonefied super kiss.

"Normally I'd be all for this but," Gallows started. "Now's not the time!" A giant foot crashed into the earth right behind them. Grudiev's massive bulk was now over them as the beast attempted to pass. Magdalen checked the mirrors, sweat rolling down his brow.

"Come on Butler-mobile, don't fail me now!" Magdalen pressed a secret button, wings sprouting out from the side. The volcano rim was right in front of them. "Everyone out now!" Magdalen pressed another button and all the doors opened up.

"Normally, I'd object to leaping out of cars going 88 miles an hour, but I'll make an exception." Jack stated. The four rolled out, falling onto the warm volcano ash as the Butler-mobile flew right over the rim. However, a bridge of stone formed, creating large spikes, which eventually pierced the flying car. Grudiev, not seeing the humans, continued on the bridge over the lava until he picked up the vehicle. "Jane! Use the Ocarina!"

"Hey lizard!" Jane shouted. Grudiev turned around to see the humans on the rim. "You're just not my type!" She blew on the Giant's Ocarina. In a flash, The original Earth Golem Asgard appeared on the stone bridge, blocking Grudiev from the rim. The excess weight cracked the bridge. Grudiev roared as the bridge fell apart, sending him and the Earth golem into the volcano.

Jack quickly grabbed the ocarina and ran down the mountainside and blew it. In a flash, Asgard appeared in the safety of the snow. Clouds of steam formed from Asgard super hot feet. "Saved you big guy." Jack grinned. He looked down the slope. In the city, nothing moved, save Pooka, and Pooka doesn't count. He turned back to volcano, seeing Jane Gallows, and Magdalen coming up to him. He saw Jane marching up and cringed, expecting to be obliterated.

"Hey…" Jane gave a small smile as Jack uncringed. "Thanks for the idea…"

"You're not going to kill me for kissing you?" Jack asked.

Jane shook her head. "You gave me the Ocarina, remember?" She looked to Asgard. "We can use him. You've made yourself useful."

Jack blushed. "Thanks."

"Two more down!" Gallows said as he crashed into Jack. "Now it's off to Thunder Lion Cage! Right?"

"I'd say I agree." Magdalen appeared, smiling as always. "Time to bring Christmas back."

Jack nodded and looked to the bright blue sky. "To Thunder Lion Cage!"

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Next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Virginia and Jet have set to robbing banks together! Can officer Kannon bring them down, or will these two continue robbing banks across the nation! Find out next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots

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It's now time for Lilka says! Lilka says: Do you know why people kiss under the mistletoe? It's all because in ancient times, Celtic people used it because they thought the liquid inside the berries resembled sem-n. EWWWW! I'm too young to know what that means! My ears!

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