Chapter 10: Castle Defense
Last time on L/I: You can find out for yourself with the new L/I: Licensed by Idiots DVD collection! As brought to you by 4kids! Productions, you can expect horrible dubbing, drastic script rewrites, and so much censoring it'll be like watching a five-minute kids cartoon! Yes, the L/I: Licensed by Idiots DVD collection, each DVD sporting four completely random episodes! Buy yours today!
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It had been a long journey, well, not really, because we're only on chapter 10. Chapter 10 isn't very long compared to, shall we say "From Baskar With Love" which sported a very tasty 25 episodes, or a certain story with 80 goddamn chapters. So by saying it was a long journey only after 10 chapters isn't really true. In fact, this is only page 65. Not very long at all! So back to the point, it had been a not terribly long ordeal, this saving Christmas business. The people they met, the places they've been have all been logged into their memories. Yes, memories, the pure and potent source of dreams and legacy. An all too familiar theme found in Wild ARMS or RPG's in general for that matter. The journey had brought the agents around the globe and now, now they come back at the turn of the tide, to Thunder Lion Cage, a hallowed ground forged by disastrous beings that wish to hide Christmas away, forever.
Gallows stood before the new opening, found deep within the stone halls of Thunder Lion Cage, a mysterious wind blowing at his hair. He stared down the new entrance, to a world never seen before. Beside him was his trusty companion Jack Van Burace, and beside him was the new romantic point (but pedophiliac, seeing how Jack is like ten years older) Jane Maxwell and her butler Magdalen… something.
"Well guys, this is it." Gallows explained. "It's do or die time."
"I'm all for the do part." Jack pointed out. "But not so much for the die."
"All out of gimel coins?" Jane raised an eyebrow.
"Yea," Jack sighed. "And nothing seems to be dropping them either…"
"Well," Magdalen interrupted, "We haven't really an inventory of berries, carrots, magic gems, or any other necessity vital to undertaking a major dungeon."
"What, not like it's Spiral Tower or something." Gallows shrugged, "Or Killing Stone Cave. And I handled the abyss with only four gimel coins, 60 potion berries, and 3 mega berries (in Alter Code: F anyway; Oh! That's true, I really did it!)"
"Before we go in," Jane placed a hand on her hip, "We need a resounding speech. Seeing how I'm leader, I'll give it."
"What! What do you mean you're leader? I've been leading the whole time!" Gallows barked, "Therefore, I shall give the speech!"
"O yea!" Jane stepped up to Gallows' face.
"Yea!" Gallows stared her down.
"Ahem." Magdalen cleared his throat. "It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry, Peace, Peace-- but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!"
"Good job Magdalen." Jack clapped.
Jane and Gallows pulled away from each other and crossed their arms. Jane was the first to speak. "Let's get this over with!"
"Right. Into the belly of the beast; the danger zone!" Gallows pointed to the entrance. The group then ran down the hallway.
Danger Zone – Kenny Logins
Revvin' up your engine
Listen to her howlin'
roar
Metal under tension
Beggin' you to touch and go
Highway to the Danger Zone
Ride into the
Danger Zone
Headin' into twilight
Spreadin' out her wings
tonight
She got you jumpin' off the track
And shovin' into
overdrive
Highway to the Danger Zone
I'll take you
Right
into the Danger Zone
You'll never say hello to you
Until you get it
on the red line overload
You'll never know what you can do
Until
you get it up as high as you can go
Out along the edges
Always where I burn to
be
The further on the edge
The hotter the intensity
Highway to the Danger Zone
Gonna take
you
Right into the Danger Zone
Highway to the Danger Zone
The four ran down this dark hall until they stumbled upon what appeared to be a dungeon. Not a video game dungeon by chance, but an actual bonified dungeon, with prison cells and torture devices. The whole area was lit by huge pots of burning oil. Jane walked first in, but found the place guarded. She quickly turned back and ducked below a pile of rocks, where the rest were waiting. "The place is guarded."
"By what?" Jack asked.
"Hold on." Gallows tapped his ear. "O.K. I got the codec working. Let's see." Gallows glanced up to the right corner of the screen. "There's like three of them or so."
"But like I said, what's guarding the place? Security cameras, Russian terrorists, zombie dogs?" Jack asked.
"It's those super hero looking guardians." Jane shrugged.
"Super Hero Guardians?" Gallows thought for a moment. "That's Chapapanga! It's my patron guardian. I'm sure he won't mind me walking out there!"
Jack pulled Gallows back into their hiding spot. "Hold it. Remember what happened at Mount Zenom?"
"Oh yea. That hurt." Gallows remembered.
"So what's the plan?" Magdalen wished to know.
"If it involves me hanging from a building again, I'll rip you apart right now." Jane warned.
"Hmmm…." Gallows put a hand to his chin. "I know. One of us could pretend to be sick, so when the guards come over, the rest of us can ambush them!"
"We're not prisoners." Jack said. "But I know what could work. The old sex appeal trick…"
"I don't think they'll find you very attractive, Jack." Jane pointed out. "Besides, as guardians, do they even like humans?"
"If it's one thing I've learned from Hentai, it's that everything loves a hot chick." Jack raised a finger in the air. "And that's why you need to go show them a leg or something."
"And what? You three here will bust them up when they get over here?" Jane asked.
"Their midgets! What could they possibly do?" Gallows said.
"I'm not sure I agree with this plan," Magdalen said. "The madam is far too young for sexual appeal."
"If it another thing I've learned from Hentai, it's that age is not a problem!" Jack stated.
"You're just creeping me out, you know that." Jane sighed.
Unexpectedly, a short man in a Hawaiian shirt with a large chin and slick black hair joined the group. "Hey! We talking about Hentai over here? Giggity giggity giggity!"
"Speaking of creepy." Jane drew back.
"Not now, who ever you are, we're on a mission to save Christmas." Gallows then pushed Quagmire out of the scene. "So we ready to do this?"
"I guess so…" Jane rolled her eyes and stood up and walked into the open.
"Hey you!" A Chapapanga squeaked in a really high pitch voice.
"You can't be in here!" A second one shouted.
"We represent the Lollypop Guild!" A third one said. All he received were dirty looks from the other guardians. "What?"
"I seem to have become lost," Jane stepped towards the three. "I was looking for a good time but now I don't know where I am." She gave them a dirty smile. She approached one and bent over to see him eye to eye, her cleavage in his face. "Can you help a girl out? I'll do anything…"
"Of course! Just tell us where you wanna go!" The Chapapanga blushed.
"Then follow me." Jane extended her hand to the Chapapanga, but the moment the guardian touched it, he was besieged by Magdalen and Jack who had leaped out from hiding. The guardian never knew what was coming and before you could pronounce Chapapanga correctly, he was a bloody mess on the floor. And before the others could run away, Magdalen and Jack set to beating the crap out of them.
"This is thinking dirty thoughts about my girl!" Jack cleaved into a guardian.
"You shan't touch the lady!" Magdalen tore through another.
Before long it was clear, and the two swordsmen were heaving, their rage spent. Jane was visibly upset, crossing her arms over her chest and tapping her foot, while Gallows came out, sipping a Vanilla Coke.
"Thanks guy. It's good to know that I have two obsessive baby sitters…" Jane said sarcastically.
"So that didn't go to plan," Gallows admitted between sipping Vanilla Coke. "But whatever. Let's vamoose!"
NEIGH! A horse called out from somewhere in the dungeon. This was odd because it was a horse and it was a dungeon and if you put the two together you get a horse in a dungeon, which doesn't make any sense at all, even in Wild ARMs. This odd noise attracted the ears of Jane, who being female, had a soft spot for such creatures. She immediately rushed off, searching for the origin of the neigh.
"Women and horses. What's up with that?" Jack asked nobody in particular.
"We better follow." Magdalen nodded. "Who knows what evil lurks in the deep places of the world?"
"Only the Shadow knows!" Gallows shouted as the three men folk made after the woman folk.
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It wasn't far at all and it probably didn't need a separator from the previous paragraph, but the four found themselves staring at the contents on a prison cell. Inside such cell was a small white horse with an enormous mane, a red scarf, and a horn protruding from its head.
"Aw! It's a unicorn!" Jane announced.
"A unicorn? But aren't they like extinct?" Gallows thought.
"This one must be the last unicorn!" Jack placed a hand to his chin.
"But what would G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N want with a unicorn, and what does a unicorn have to do with Christmas?" Magdalen asked.
The unicorn then turned to the camera and began talking, unnoticeable to the agents' ears. "Uh oh kids, the evil Equitess is coming down the stairs! We have to warn the humans! You have to shout neigh! Are you ready? NEIGH! …Did you say neigh? We have to say it louder! NEIGH! …We're you loud enough? Good! Let's shout it one more time! NEIGH! Good job!"
The Unicorn's (and the audience's) incessant neigh-ing alerted the agents to an evil presence near by. Taking the unicorns warning, the three decided to hide behind a big black boiling cauldron sitting in the middle of the room near a huge table and a stairway. Loud thuds came from the stairs as Equitess, an enormous white bipedal reptile with a sword growing out of it's back and a white feathered wing as well, came down the stairs. The creature had no eyes, but it knew where it was going. In it's clawed hands it had many kinds of vegetables, which it plopped into the giant cauldron.
"Who that?" Gallows nudged Jack.
Jack squinted. "I think that's Equitess, the sword guardian. He was my patron guardian before this Christmas nonsense!"
"SHHH!" Magdalen and Jane both urged the other two to please shut the hell up.
"Kekekekeke." Equitess laughed in a horrible deep voice. "My preparations are almost complete. The last ingredient is the horn of a unicorn! And then I shall become all powerful and make the princess my wife!"
"You'll never get away with it!" Cecelia, who was locked in a cell, shouted. "I'll never marry you, you guardian thing! Oh where is Tom Cruise!"
"Not even Tom Cruise will be able to stop me once I have Oderyuk's horn! Kekekekekekeke!" Equitess dropped in an ingredient into the cauldron, causing a red light to blanket the dungeon.
"Did you hear that?" Jane whispered. "Not even Tom Cruise!"
"This guy must be seriously powerful." Jack crossed his arms. "Wait, did Cecelia get herself captured again?"
"She's a princess. Happens all the time." Gallows shrugged. "Now, we gotta stop sword boy there from getting Oderyuk's horn."
"If I recall correctly, Oderyuk is the guardian of life." Magdalen stated.
"Then you don't recall correctly, why would guardians be eating each other?" Gallows narrowed his brow.
"The same reason the giant beetle attacked Grudiev. The same reason Moor Gualt got rid of Lucadia and Aru Sulato. Because they're loosely organized and are a bunch of idiots." Jane explained.
"Hey! I've got an idea!" Gallows mustered up his 'feminine' voice. "Ahem! It's me, the princess, and not someone pretending to be her. I've a question for you Equitess! Why did you steal Christmas?"
Equitess snorted. "It sounds like you've come down with a cold." Cecelia was confused. "The king of the guardians stole Christmas from the humans in order to execute the grand plan. Only he and the Guardian Lords know what the plan is!"
"Isn't that what it always is?" Jack shrugged.
"Yea. Yea it is." Gallows sighed. "so how do we get rid of him!"
NEIGH! The agents looked to Oderyuk, who was pointing his horn to a large pot of burning oil just over Equitess' head. Gallows stared at it for a moment. "I'm not getting the connection…"
Jane rolled her eyes. "Follow me guys!" Jane then ran past Equitess and towards the stairs. The men followed, stopping on the stairway.
"HEY! Aren't you going to rescue me!" Cecelia shrieked.
"WHAT!" Equitess yelled turning to look at the stairs. "You dare make a fool out of me!"
"We're not Tom Cruise." Jack rubbed his nose. "But you're not exactly Tim Curry either!"
"Quit with the eighties references." Jane jabbed Jack. "No Unicorn for you!" She then drew her tiny ARM and fired, cutting the rope and letting the fiery oil fall over Equitess. In a fit of loud screams and roars, Equitess died a very painful death. Not recommended for sympathy killing.
"Right! Time to get these guardian Lords!" Gallows made a fist. "For Christmas!"
"HEY!" Cecelia shouted.
"Oh right." Jack ran down to the cell and unlocked it.
"Thanks, but from here I can handle it myself." She then walked out the way they came.
"Hey! I found some treasure!" Jack smiled. He then ran back to the stairs and handed it to Jane.
"Good Boy." Jane patted Jack on the head. "Now go play point!"
And thus the four ran up the stairs, forgetting all about poor Oderyuk. Awwwwwwwwww…
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Next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Will we reference "Legend" again? Perhaps maybe "Willow"? Or even "Greyhawk"? Who knows, maybe we'll get with it and do "Lord of the Rings"! Find out next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots
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It's now time for Lilka says! Lilka says: ZOMGWTFBBQ!1111eleventy-one1 its' the n00b with the pr0n, lulz internet!
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