Chapter 11: Life Flame
Hi! Lilka here and its time for my shout outs! Let's make magic people!
Gallows Stalker: Yay! Great chapters are good chapters! I'm glad you like 'em!
Teefa & co.: Oh trust me, we can do obscure references! We just don't, because you wouldn't get it, and then you wouldn't be ehl o ehl-ing, and that would make me sad. But I'm going to tell the author to put in a Suikoden or Skies of Arcadia or Okage: Shadow King reference just for you!
Keep reviewin' because it keeps me in my job! Bye!
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The stairway was evil. Yes, evil. It must have been a guardian itself, the guardian of stairs. It was Professor X's greatest weakness, Barret's greatest annoyance, and the bane of RPG gamers everywhere. Long flights of stairs that just go around and around. Gallows had found it odd that about after twenty steps, the stairs reversed and went down, down, down in a Ring of Fire. Ka Dingel was no match for this staircase. It was even longer than Spiral Tower. By God, it was ridiculously long. It was longer than Valmar's Moon, longer than Icarian City, longer than the moon, longer than the N-Zone, longer than Lavos, longer than the Ceremonial Site, longer than Nightmare Castle, longer than Crater, longer than Kefka's Tower, longer than the Hydra, longer than the World's Library, longer than End of the World, Longer than the Farplane, longer than Sin, longer than Ultimecea's Castle, longer than Memoria, longer than Dark Falz's Ruins, longer than, well, the point is that it was really long.
The quartet set up camp along one of the stone stairs. It was kind of odd, seeing tents inside a hallway, but whatever. The four were roasting wienies over a fire. Gallows was the first to clear his throat. "Guys, I just wanna say that I'm sorry for bringing you into this ridiculously long dungeon. If we ever make it through, I just want you guys to know that you're the second best team I've ever had."
"Gee thanks Gallows…" Jane frowned. "I just want you to know that even though you're our self appointed leader, I still think you're an idiot."
"Harsh man. Ouch." Gallows replied.
"But it hasn't been all bad. I got more action than I usually do with just Magdalen." Jane smiled.
Magdalen blushed. "I would like to express my thanks towards you two agents for your endeavors. They may have not made a lot of sense or been unnecessarily dangerous, but they were amusing."
"Guys!" Jack interrupted. "Let's stop talking like this. Yea, I know this dungeon is incredibly long and that eventually we'll have to climb all the way back up, but we're going to make it. You gotta believe me!"
"Um, Ok." Gallows shrugged.
"Sure." Jane replied.
"Yes." Magdalen stated.
Jack grabbed Gallows' shoulders and shook him willy-nilly. "You gotta believe me man! Snap out of it! We're going to pull through!"
"OK! OK! OK!" Gallows hastily agreed.
Magdalen cleared his throat. "Well, tomorrow is Christmas and even though we may not make rescue it in time, I still think we should celebrate normally." Magdalen reached into his tent and pulled out a present, which he handed to Jane. "This is for you, my lady."
Jane quickly grabbed it and threw off the wrapping. Inside the box was a …gift card? Jane pulled it out and examined it. "A gift card to Hechts?"
"Worth two hundred gella." Magdalen replied.
"Oh thank you!" Jane launched herself at the elder butler. "When we get back, I'm hitting the mall!"
Not to be outdone, Jack tapped Jane on the shoulder. "Here, this is for you! I found it in the dungeon."
Jane hesitantly took the wrapped box and sighed. "Thanks Jack. Let me guess, a potion berry?"
"No. Just take a look." Jack grinned.
Jane shrugged and unwrapped the present. She smiled an enormous mile as she uncovered the contents of the box. "A Sheriff Star! Wow! I don't know what to say!"
Jack rubbed the back of his neck as Jane went on about the wonderful Sheriff Star. Gallows raised an eyebrow. "Don't you need to beat Ragu o Ragla twice to get the Sheriff Star?"
"Shhhh!" Jack placed a finger to his lips. "Ragu o Ragla doesn't need to know it's missing."
"Well, where's my presents?" Gallows crossed his arms over his chest.
"Oh I didn't forget you." Jack pulled a treasure chest out of the tent. He then dropped it into Gallows lap, which cause Gallows a bit of pain.
"Gee, thanks…" Gallows said through tears. "I wonder what it could be?"
"You got Gallows a whole treasure chest and not me!" Jane was shocked.
"Well I don't know what's in it yet." Jack shrugged. "Beside, that's the freekin' Sheriff Star."
Gallows popped the latch, but found the contents perplexing. As two wheels magically flew out of the box and attached themselves to the bottom of the chest. Two spindly arms came out with clamping metal hands. Gallows hopped back. "Imitator!" And thus the imitator set to chasing the four down the stairs, leaving their camp behind. The imitator, that sneaky devil, persued our heroes down the stairs until they reached the bottom, where the imitator simply slammed into a wall and broke apart. The agents had also slammed into that very wall, but because they were not made of wood, they would survive. Yes, there are advantageous to not being made of wood.
"Boy am I glad that I'm not made of wood." Gallows shook his head as he recollected himself.
"That goes double for me." Jane replied.
"Hey guys, I think we're at the end!" Jack called from a distance.
"How so?" Magdalen asked, walking away from the wall and onto a bridge, spanning the darkness of the planet.
"Well," Jack began, "Here's a crystal. I bet it's a teleport crystal that'll warp us to the end of the dungeon."
The others followed Magdalen as they approached the crystal. It was red, about eight feet tall, and spinning silently. Magdalen put a hand to his chin in thought. "Once we touch this crystal, we'll be warped to somewhere else. But will there be a way to get back?"
Jane swallowed. "There has to be a way back! The guardians are in there, right?" She bit her lip. "Besides, it won't do me any good to have this gift card if I can't come back."
"Well, Gallows turned to face the three others." Like I said before, it's do or die time. For Christmas! …again."
"Right." The three replied. Gallows stepped first and touched the warp crystal. The world flashed before his eyes and before he knew it, he was drifting in space. He immediately set to holding his breath as the other three warped in.
"Holy shit!" Jack was surprised. "Where the hell are we!"
"Are we in space?" Jane asked, holding down her dress as they drifted.
Gallows looked to them and pointed at his bulging cheeks, trying to get them to hold their breath.
"Gallows! What's with the face?" Magdalen asked.
"Now is not the time for charades!" Jane shook her head.
"No! You guys, there's no air in space!" Gallows shouted. "Wait." Gallows took in a breath. "Feels like air, tastes like air, smells like air."
"My guess this isn't really space, but one of those abstract dungeons." Jack said, floating upside down.
"I hate to alarm you." Magdalen cleared his throat. "But there is no warp crystal."
It was true, for the warp crystal was nowhere to be seen. Jane started freaking out. "How do we get back! What good will it do us to get Christmas if we can't get back!"
Gallows looked around. There was no one around, save Pooka, who doesn't count. However, floating a bit yonder was a path construed of twisting metal, looping around each other in the form of a double helix, stretching off towards the horizon. "Hey! Let's go there!"
And so they did. The path was adorned with all sorts of symbolic décor. Clocks pendulums, trees, flowers, fire, and ice. The three, throwing caution to the wind, decided just to screw everything and run right through it. They ran through a halo of burning light, teleporting them to what could be described as Mars in the middle of a dust storm. Seeing how it really wasn't much weirder than the rest of the place, they ran straight down the path, past the melting clocks, the giraffes on fire, the elephants with beetle legs, and the floating crucifixes before running through another golden halo, teleporting them to an underwater locale. The agents were able to breathe, mysteriously enough, as they continued running down the path of coral and ancient, prehistoric fishes and marine life. However, they soon came across a several branches in the path.
"Aw damnit!" Gallows stomped his foot. "We're going to be here forever."
"Which one should we take?" Jane asked as an early jellyfish swam overhead.
"Hey!" Jack pointed out. "We can ask those two guys."
Yes, sitting near the branching paths were two lizardians. One was a small, thin lizard creature wearing a white cape, and the other a large, fat brown lizard in samurai armor. Gallows frowned. "Liz and Ard! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" And then he turned into "The Scream" Painting.
Magdalen turned to Gallows. "Do you by chance know these two?"
"Yes! They were P.R.O.P.H.E.T members who destroyed Guild Galad a few years back. They're really annoying!" Gallows explained.
"Well look who showed his nickel clad face." Liz, the smaller of the two reptiles, grinned. "That malicious piece of raw leather they call Gallows Carradine."
"Hey!" Jane stepped foreword, showing off her ARMS badge. "You two are under arrest! Now, tell us which way to the guardians before I kick your asses!"
Ard growled and stood up, dwarfing Jane. "ARD!"
"Calm down, my water Lilly friend." Liz spoke, "You can only arrest the delicate flower of carnage that is moi and my viewtiful friend, the lonely stingray of hope, Ard, if you can pull a Houdini and get us out of this absurd locality."
"No, but I can kick your ass!" Jane grabbed Liz by the collar. "I have the Sheriff Star!"
Ard was about to draw the katana when Liz spoke. "Ard, your skill is most delightful and alarming, however now is not the time view the spectacle of your strawberries and crème sword. We may be Pop stars, but your sheriff star dims our light like a canopy of frosty evil. The masters of 1984, the guardians, dwell down this path." Liz pointed to a particular path of coral. "The master of 1984, with their awe inspiring powers of a podium, will definitely bring a ray of hopelessness into your torn hearts."
"What he say?" Jack scratched his head.
"I don't know. But he pointed out this path! Let's go!" Jane dropped Liz and started down the path. The three men ran after her down the ocean path until they came through another halo. This time, they emerged in a castle. Or the remains of one. Huge chunks of a long forgotten castle were floating through the cold void of space, orbiting a planetoid being born. It was a large sphere of fire and rock with explosions and arcs of magma flying off the surface of the horrid world. The agents, once done viewing the mysterious world, were disappointed to see that their entrance was no more. The only path they could take was a thin stone bridge connecting two chunks of castle together. The four crossed it and came across a large circle with many intricate designs woven through it. Gallows, Jack, Jane, and Magdalen, all stopped in their tracks, a dark presence growing near.
"The hell below us is the creation of a world." A deep voice bellowed. The agents immediately set to finding the source of the voice.
"Through such malevolence, beauty is formed." A female voice spoke.
"Chaos and darkness are the beginning, and chaos and darkness will return." A dark, raspy voice said.
"And the hope of Filgaia, this star being born underneath us, will vanish with time." A heavy, powerful voice prophesized.
"Come out!" Jack shouted. "We're here for Christmas!"
As Jack wished, four figures phased into the material. One was a large man in thick armor, with an enormous blade and a lion's head. A second figure was a blonde woman with crimson armor as well as angelic wings. The third figure was a black and purple spiked wolf, and the fourth a floating metallic dragon…thing. "We are the guardian Lords." The last one spoke. "Caretakers of the essence of Filgaia."
"Christmas must be done away with, for Filgaia's future!" The lion headed warrior bellowed.
"We must return to the correct path or all will be lost." The female warrior said.
"Christmas only aides mans desires." The wolf growled.
"And you guys are…?" Gallows raised an eyebrow.
"I am Justine, guardian of courage." The lion headed one stated.
"I am Raftina, guardian of love." The female introduced herself.
"I am Lucied, guardian of desire." The wolf snorted.
"And I am Zephyr, the guardian of hope." The dragon thing said.
"So which one of you clowns is the guardian king?" Jack asked.
"The guardian king is tending to Christmas." Zephyr replied. "He is too busy to deal with you."
"So we shall destroy you for him." Lucied stepped towards our heroes.
"Though we admire your courage and endurance." Justine began, "You cannot interfere with the kings plan."
"Prepare to meet Solus Emsu." Raftina raised her blade. "You shall die a thousand deaths!"
"We've already met him." Gallows replied.
"What do you mean Christmas will destroy us?" Magdalen interrupted the morons. "Christmas is a wonderful time f year. I do not see where this is going."
"Yea! Only scrooges hate Christmas!" Jane added.
"Guardians are the ones who maintain this world." Zephyr raised himself in the air. "And we maintain our power through worship."
"However Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus and the religion following him. Each passing Christmas, our powers grow dimmer as more and more attention focused on this non guardian holiday." Justine continued.
"So in order to save Filgaia from immanent doom, we stole Christmas. Once it is destroyed, the humans will have to worship us gain and our power will return." Raftina explained.
"And the commercial desires of men will fade once there is no more reason to attain gifts and presents for one another." Lucied stated.
"Group huddle!" Gallows shouted. The agents all tuned in for the game plan. "O.K. So do we believe them? It sounds kind of fishy."
"I still do not see how harm could come out of Christmas." Magdalen said. "But their story does seem true. Filgaia has been dying for some time."
"Because of Christmas?" Jane asked. "What about our orders? We can't go back on them."
"The guardians don't make sense to me." Jack shook his head. "The world' probably better off without them. We'll probably nuke ourselves first before we die from Christmas overdose."
"But even with the Sheriff Star, I don't think we can tackle the guardian Lords." Jane narrowed her brow. "We're going to need a plan."
Gallows nodded. "And I got the perfect one. You guys just follow my lead." Gallows broke the huddle and turned to the Lords. "Hey, you're plan doesn't make any sense! If Filgaia will fade if you're gone, how come it hasn't already? We've killed a good number of them already!"
"WHY YOU!" Justine roared, drawing his mighty cleaver. "I shall tear you apart right now!
"Wait though! How about instead of Christmas, you take Hanukkah!" Gallows offered.
"Gallows, no one on Filgaia is Jewish!" Jane shook her head.
"Yes, the girl has a point." Zephyr added.
"Not true!" Gallows pulled out his toy guitar and plucked a chord. "There's plenty of Jews! Just listen to my song, and you'll see!
Put on your yamaca
It's time for Hanukkah
So much fun-uka
To celebrate Hanukkah
Hanukka is, the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights
When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me
Timothy Rhymeless lights the menorah
So does Alfred Shroedinger and the late Dina
Shora
Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Tesla humming Sha NaNa and Arthur Fonzerelli.
Marina's half Jewish, Melody half, too.
Put them together, what a fine looking Jew
You don't need deck the halls or Jingle Bell Rock
'Cuz you can spin a dredle with Captain Bart and Mr. Spock
Both Jewish!
Kuiper belt, not a Jew
But guess who is, Beatrice that crazy fool
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Brad Evan's a quarter Jewish
Not too shabby
Some people think that Marivel is
Well she's not, but guess who is
Her sister Mirabelle
So many Jews are in show biz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is
Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Hanukkah
Don't forget the harmonica
On this lovely, lovely Hanukkah
So drink your gin and tonic-a
And smoke your maraijuana-ca
If you really, really, really, really wanna-ka
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy, Hannukah
Happy Hanukkah!"
"Wow! There really are a lot of Jews!" Jane was impressed.
"Indeed there are." Zephyr replied. "But it is not up to us to decide this business. We still must protect the interests of the guardian king!"
"Did I mention Virginia Maxwell is Jewish too?" Gallows added.
"Nuh uh! You're pulling my leg! Really?" Jack asked.
"Virginia Maxwell? A main character Jewish? We might have to give this Hanukkah business more thought." Zephyr placed a golden claw to his chin.
"Right. Well while you guys are doing that, which way to the guardian king?" Gallows asked
"Oh just got through here." Zephyr pointed to the circle with intricate designs running through it.
That was kind of weird, but then this whole dungeon is. So without thinking twice, Gallows ran past the lords and through the circle, disappearing to another realm. Not to be left behind, his compatriots made suit, teleporting to wherever the king was, leaving behind four contemplating guardian lords and Pooka, who didn't count.
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Next time on L/I: The final showdown, Gallows and ARMs versus the guardian king and his court! Who will it be! Find out next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots!
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It's now time for Lilka says! Lilka says: Lucied is known for his hermaphroditic nature, constantly switching between male and female! The one here is the Twilight Venom/ Wild ARMs 2nd Ignition version, which means he's a guy! Though in the first Wild ARMs, he was a she and in Alter Code: F, she was an it. I'm not sure about Advanced the 3rd, but I think he was an it there too! Lucied is weird!
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