I'm driving my car with a tiny kindergarten singing along to Barbie's Christmas carols. The CD got stuck in the player earlier, so that's what I'll have to live with for the rest of my life, or at least until I can take it to get it fixed after the holidays.
Or maybe I should sell the car like that; it's a very unique car that will only play Barbie's Christmas carols, all year round. Nah, I like my car.
Rory decided to ride with Lorelai and Luke to chat a little about Junior, thus the kindergarten in my car. I wish it would have been the other way round. We have to talk about this. I really have to talk about this. Maybe she doesn't realize how much all of this is bothering me.
"Hey Daddy?" Lailie pulls me from my thoughts as she pulls on my sleeve. I glance over to her sitting in the passenger's seat.
"Yes, Pixie?"
"Daddy, why do we have to go to Grammy's house? It's so boring!"
"Because Pixie, it's what we always do for Christmas Eve! We go and visit Grammy and Grampy, you behave nicely, and they give you gifts and food. And when we get back home, you get one present from Mommy and Daddy and when you wake up in the morning; Santa has filled your stocking and brought some gifts."
"True."
Her sighing is the cutest thing in the world. Very sincere, as if she just realized she can't accomplish world peace or, in my case, overpower Emily Gilmore.
"But Daddy," she tries again, "Santa already got me my gift, my baby brother. That's all I wanted for Christmas. And since he already did his part, we can just skip everything else, ok?"
Laughing I say: "Pixie, you are one-of-a-kind!"
"What is that, Daddy?"
"That is a very special person that has very special thoughts."
"Like a special ed kid?"
Laughing even harder I add: "No, in a special only-my-Pixie kind of way."
She seems to be satisfied with that answer.
I spy an open Starbucks at the side of the road.
"Hey kids, how about some hot chocolate?" I ask the crowd. A general "Yay" makes me turn into the parking lot.
As I enter the place with three small kids in Sunday clothes, the barista looks at me funny but I go ahead and order three kids sized hot cocoas, a triple shot espresso and a bunch of cookies.
I also ask for a towel to cover Lailie's dress. No Christmas dress is a sin, but a substitute dress with chocolate stains is a deathly sin.
"So, we are not going to Grammy then?" She looks rather relieved and nibs at her cookie.
"Well, honey, we still have to go…" Her smile fades. "But we'll just go a little later!"
Watching the kids as they crumble and sip I turn to my espresso. Triple might still not be sufficient enough. The discomfort about my talk to Rory, or rather the lack thereof, slowly but surely causes anger to rise within me that no amount of espresso will be able to suppress.
We have been married for almost seven years for heaven's sake! She can't just go ahead and decide things on her own. And all that stuff about the fertility clinic, the miracle… Maybe she wanted to get pregnant, had problems with it, and got a check up at that clinic and all the sudden she's pregnant? But still, why did she not tell me about it?
Geez, Huntzberger, you're a journalist and you can't even figure out what on earth is up with your wife. I should consider a change of profession.
As the kids start playing with the last cookie crumbles and their cups are becoming empty, I tell them to grab their coats and get to the car.
Just after I've thrown the last cup into the trash can, my phone starts ringing. Knowing who it is and what it is about, I pick up.
"Hi Rory." I sigh. She's taken by surprise at my calling her Rory. "Uh, Logan… It's… Where on earth are you? We left at the same time and Mom, Luke and I got here thirty minutes ago! It's just a ten minute ride!"
"We took a little detour to a slightly more comfortable place. We'll be over in five."
I hang up without telling her 'see you soon' or any appropriate ending to our conversation. I don't want to be mad at her, especially not on Christmas Eve! But I just can't help it!
Everything was perfect until Finn came up with this stupid idea. And I can't blame him for apparently he has been right about it. Until this very afternoon I was the happiest man on earth, well at least in Hartford but everything was spoiled by Rory's silence about her true intentions, or whatever you want to call it.
Of course Emily is mad about the dress, Rory avoids me and Lorelai stares at me, wondering what is going on.
Luke ignores the tension or is oblivious to it since he still doesn't feel comfortable in the elder Gilmore's presence.
Richard took off earlier, occupying himself and Willy with a fort play set, building a castle and setting up knights and soldiers.
The girls sit near the fireplace, brushing their new dolls and dressing them in all kinds of new clothes.
As Emily announces we should drink to this wonderful Christmas and passes glasses of champagne to everybody, I'm very much reminded about the situation earlier.
Setting my untouched champagne down on the coffee table, before a toast is spoken, I excuse myself to catch some fresh air.
"The scented candles make my head dizzy." I tell Emily and leave the room.
I don't know how long I've been sitting on the ice cold deck chair, all I know that for the first time in a lot of years, tears are rolling down my cheeks.
"Logan?" Rory must have stepped out on the patio. Wiping the tears away, I turn around and look at her.
"What?"
"Please, Logan, come in. It's freezing out here!"
"If you ask me, it's a lot warmer out here than in there."
She avoids my eyes but steps a little closer, rubbing her arms. I slip off my coat and put it around her shoulders, getting her to look at me.
"Thanks." She stares at my eyes, gasping a little.
"Logan, have you been crying?"
"Geez, Rory!" She cringes at the name and my volume. "Yes, I have been crying! I have no idea, what is going on with you! I feel that you are lying, that you keep stuff from me that is important for me to know. First I'm all happy about Junior, then Finn tells me he didn't know we were planning on an addition to the family, making me wonder how all this happened. Then your strange behavior while you were writing the stupid name tags, me finding a letter from some sort of fertility clinic, Lorelai making all these comments about 'miracles' after all this whatever! Can't you tell I like all this stuff going on? I simply love it! Go on, make me miserable! One minute I'm so happy about the new baby and the next second I'm scared like hell because I can't comprehend your actions!"
"I'm sorry." Her voice is tiny.
"Are you!" I don't want to yell, but all this built up anger makes me.
"Listen Logan, maybe we shouldn't talk about this now-"
"No, Rory, I'm pretty sure we should talk about this right now! 'Cause with the way this evening has been going so far, I'm about to take Pixie and go home."
Silently she takes my hand and leads me over to the pool house. The doors are unlocked. It still has all the furniture from when she lived here for some time when she had that crazy idea to drop out of Yale, but it's covered with white sheets.
"Rory, what is going on with you?"
She sits on the couch; I get down next to her, taking her hand.
"Please, you need to tell me what is going on or I'm going to go nuts! I've been trying to ignore that tiny voice in my head all day long but it has grown to be a lion's roar."
Sensing this isn't easy for her, I wait.
And wait.
"Logan, it's complicated, I don't know if you understand why I did what I did…"
I sigh. "Try me; it can't get any worse than it is right now."
"Well… Ok, but please, don't judge before I'm finished."
That will be hard but I nod.
"See, when you told me, you wanted another baby about three years ago, I didn't want one because I had just started the new job and all…"
Sighing, she keeps on talking.
"But as Steph got pregnant again and Lailie started asking about why she didn't have a brother or sister, which was only a couple of weeks after our talk, I decided to do it. I wanted to have another baby and keep writing freelance or whatever."
And I always thought she wanted to wait.
"I stopped taking birth control pills. I didn't tell you because I wanted to surprise you with it, knowing you wanted it so bad!"
She's looking at me, her eyes telling me she's sorry.
"When I didn't get pregnant after a couple of months, I checked back with my doctor, he told me it is pretty common that women don't get pregnant right after stopping with birth control. So I waited. But nothing happened for almost a year."
Now she starts talking faster to get it all out.
"You were on a business trip in Toronto when I realized I was late. After the positive home pregnancy test, I was about to call you immediately and tell you, but waited to do it in person a couple of days later. When I checked with the doctor the next morning, he told me that I wasn't really pregnant, it was a tubal pregnancy. Of course I was disappointed and I know I should have told you but I knew you'd be heartbroken. So I didn't."
No! Why not! Yes, I would have been sad but we could have been sad together. She looks like she is about to cry. I want to stroke her hand but she withdraws it.
"Again, nothing happened for over a year. I felt so bad; I thought it was my fault that I didn't get pregnant. I was afraid I would never be able to have more kids, that's when I contacted Dr. Jones' clinic in May."
Ah, envelope guy.
"They ran a few tests and said something about a minor hormone irregularity that might have been the cause. I got a couple of injections and pills, but they told me right then it might not be working or take a very long time to be effective. But lucky for us, it didn't take all that long and when I went to Boston for my last check up in late November, Dr. Jones told me I was four weeks pregnant."
She smiles but it fades when she continues.
"I didn't tell you until last night because I was scared, I might lose it again. But my gynecologist told me yesterday that everything looked fine on the ultra-sound and the blood tests were all great. Thus I went ahead to tell you the big and happy news. And look what it ended up in… I screwed up! I screwed up big time!"
I feel sorry for her, I feel so sorry! Here I am, the big dork who didn't realize for three years that his wife was desperately trying to get pregnant, reproaching her about lying to me.
"But Ace," I pick up her chin. "Why did you not tell me about this? About all the trouble and pain you went through? I promised to be there for you and I stick to that promise. We could have shared the pain; I don't want you to suffer through stuff by yourself. That's what I'm here for. To love you and care for you, even if the times get rough!"
Her voice almost breaks when she answers.
"I didn't want you to worry about it. Every day I see how happy you are about Lailie and how much you love her. I couldn't tell you that we might never have more kids; I couldn't break your heart! And when I started visiting Dr. Jones, I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get your hopes up in case it didn't work out. But when it did work, I didn't know what to do… Since we hadn't talked about babies for three years, I wasn't sure about your take on this."
She stops and looks at me.
"I know this all is a huge ball of mess and I take all the blame for it. But please Logan, keep in mind that I did all of this to protect your heart. I… I love you."
Closing my eyes I sigh and try to take everything she just said in. It's a lot, it hurts a little but it explains a lot. I'm glad it's all out now, no more secrets. Still some uneasiness remains about the not telling part, 'cause I'm sure I could have handled. But the roaring lion is gone, it has been replaced by a mental post it, telling me to go over this again, at a later time. And finally I can focus on the positive main aspect of this entire fiasco.
I hug her and kiss her, looking her straight in the eyes and smiling widely I say:
"Ace, we're going to have another baby!"