Hogwarts: Ofsted Invasion.
By Julia Edwards.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from the Harry Potter Books, I do however, own the character of the Ofsted inspector, and also the plot idea and story. This may not be copied or reproduced without my permission.
For those who do not know who Ofsted are, they are the inspecting board for schools. Basically they send inspectors out to schools to check that the schools are getting on ok and the students are achieving and the teaching is good quality and stuff like that.
This was inspired by the short scene on a programme called Dead Ringers (a programme of mick-taking parodies.) on BBC2 in England where an Ofsted inspector comes into one of 'Snape's classes. This story does NOT correspond to the books, as in timings and events. Also takes a poke at 'Health and Safety Regulations' and 'Lesson Plans.' This is my first fic posted so I'm quite nervous!
Summary: Oneshot. Hogwarts is having an Ofsted inspection and it is Snape's class under scrutiny…
"Today we will be brewing a healing potion." Snape's robes billowed as he marched into the Potions classroom, looking just as greasy and evil as usual. "And try to pay attention Potter. Maybe if you did, your potion would not turn into a hopeless mess."
Hermione poked Harry who was whispering to Ron. Harry looked up and gave the Professor a harsh glare. He glared back just as harshly.
"Now, does anybody have any… 'problems…' before we start?"
"Yes, 1 or 2 actually." An official sounding voice came from the back of the room. Snape looked to the voice and saw a woman there, dressed in what was clearly muggle clothing, and carrying a clipboard.
"Who are you?" he asked indignantly.
"Julie Walters, Ofsted inspector. It has come to my attention there are a few problem within this certain classroom and lesson, so I'm sure you won't mind if I observe this class to see if the problems really are here."
For once in his life, Professor Severus Snape was speechless.
Eventually he regained the ability to speak. He coughed a few times, then got on with the lesson.
"As I said before I was interrupted, today we will be brewing a healing potion. The benefits of this potion are…"
"…excuse me Mr Snape? But this room is darker than Health and Safety regulations allow. It is damaging to eyes. Please brighten the room before you continue."
Snape glared at the Ofsted woman, but knew he had no way out. He swept his wand around the room and the small candles turned into very large flaming torches.
"That amount of fire is also a Health and Safety hazard. Please find another way of adequately lighting this classroom."
"Oh in the name of Merlin! What is this nonsense! "
"Health and Safety Laws have to be abided by Mr Snape, or this class will have to be discontinued."
"What do you expect me to do! I teach Potions, not Charms! You want Professor Flitwick for that!"
At this point most of the students, Harry and Ron in particular, were sniggering uncontrollably.
"Would you please summon Mr Flitwick in that case?"
"Fine."
Snape glared at his class, who went very quiet, and summoned Flitwick who floo-ed over immediately.
"Professor Flitwick, this lady insists my room must be brighter and not fire-lit for Health and Safety reasons." Snape said those last words with great venom. "Please do the honours."
"Of course!" Flitwick squeaked, and cast a lighting charm on the classroom. It was at once bright as day.
"Thankyou," said Snape, but there was no hiding his disgust at the brightness.
"Anytime Professor!" said Flitwick cheerily, and floo-ed away again.
Snape turned back to his class.
"Anyway, as I was saying, this potion has many uses, its most common being healing small injuries. Well! Why aren't you writing this down!"
All the students scrabbled for their books and quills.
"It would be better to inform them they will be taking notes at the start, so as to avoid this inconvenience."
Snape just glared at the inspector.
Finally everyone was ready and taking notes.
"Here are your ingredients," he said as he chalked them up on the board.
Crushed rose petals, 5g.
10 very finely chopped ivy leaves…
"Excuse me Mr Snape, but you know ivy is toxic? The students should not be using it."
"It is necessary for the potion. They cannot afford to miss learning how to do this potion. And it's Professor Snape," said Snape, quite annoyed by this point.
"In that case Professor, I insist they wear gloves. In fact, with all these different ingredients, it would be advisable that they wear gloves all the time."
"Fine!" Snape angrily conjured lots of gloves for the students, who put them on without even needing command.
Eventually everyone had prepared all their ingredients.
"The liquefied rose and ivy are the first ingredients to go in. Once they are in, light your fires under your cauldrons, allow to heat for 1 minute exactly, them empty your powered minerals and salts into the mixture and stir in a clockwise direction for 5 minutes.
"Excuse me Professor Snape, but open fires are not permitted within Health and Safety Regulations. As for stirring an open cauldron full of potentially toxic chemicals with the potential to splash students, that is absolutely unacceptable!"
"Well what do you want me to do then?" Snape almost shouted, feeling himself losing his temper big time.
"Discontinue with lessons until an appropriate and safe alternative is put in place. May I see your lesson plan?"
"Lesson plan? What lesson plan! What in the name of Merlin is one of those!"
"All teachers should have lesson plans to aid efficient and organised teaching of classes."
"ARGH! THIS IS IT! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" Snape finally snapped. He grabbed his over-robe and ran from the classroom, on the verge of bursting into hysterical tears.
The Ofsted inspector regarded him with rather a disdainful expression.
"What do you know?" said Harry with a grin. "Snape finally met his match! In a Muggle!"
Snape's anguished yells echoed through the school, even audible over the now in hysterical laughter class. Snape really had met his match!
Well there you go. My first fan fiction to be posted. Hope you enjoyed it! Those inspectors are tough cookies, our inspection wasn't long ago. Constructive criticism and advice is welcomed, Flames will be used to set Snape on fire.