A Friendly Chat in Paradise
Disclaimer: I own nothing, Kazuya Minekura owns everything. You know the drill by now people. And do I really have to put a disclaimer for every chappie?
Darn typing takes forever. I'm such a slow keyboardist (is that a word?). I type about 15 words per minute. At least that's what it was last year- seriously, I'm pathetic. You see all the pain I put myself through for you people?
By the way Im giving a shout out to my friends! Hey Akuma- thanks for the help. Okami thanks to you too. Tsuki, Inaka, Kitty- You had better review after you read or I'll skin you alive! D How nice and cheerful! (cackles evilly) Oh, Girl of Nataku I will be doing Gods in this very chappie. I hopes you likes it! (And yes, the sparrows will stay with the fic until the end! THE SPARROWS WILL DOMINATE! MWAHAHAHHAHAHHAAAA!) And Saiyukisexy, keep reading. You are so cool!
Part of this also goes to Akuma my co- authoress and to Saiyukisexy. Thnx for all your wonderful ideas! I'm using some of them!
Anyway, I'm sorry I've been so slow, thanks for bearing with me all this time. Wow only 2 more chappies to go unless I get more ideas. sighI guess this poor fic's days are numbered. And right now the number is 4, so without any more rambling rhetoric-
CHAPTER 4!
Ch. 4- Round 3; just Heavenly
Taka, having been unable to take refuge in the villa as it (and all other buildings in a 20 mile radius) had been destroyed by some… shall we say- enthusiastic- inhabitants of Shangrai-la. Several interviews had already been done to Taka's immense relief. Namely an impudent little monkey with wide, deceptively innocent golden eyes, a hot, perverted kappa, a quick-tempered, crooked monk, and an insanely smiling healer with his cute dragon. And the second group included the second hot redhead (but with terribly long nails), his idiot sister who also had those sweet puppy-dog eyes, their freakish mother, creepy doctor and some boring heads.
Well lets just say that while each group was quite capable of a vast variety of atrocities on their own, putting them together created an explosive situation, to a certain host's great distress. ( If you didn't get that- it means that they all caused a large amount of damage that Taka would be paying for.)
Furthermore, she was on the brink of exhaustion, very disgruntled, and more than a little upset. Her garden was in bad shape with more than half the sparrows dead, the plants crushed from falling debris, and the set fixed haphazardly. The villa was completely GONE, the food had all been eaten by a certain small imp in the guise of a boy/saru, and Taka's hair was messed up. All that remained intact was the stone wall!
The Spirit Girl was having a bad day.
So she decided to calm things down a bit. Perhaps a bit of 'divine advice' wouldn't go astray either. So what did she do? She called on the Gods. It didn't turn out how she expected.
"So," Kanzeon Bosatsu drawled as she waltzed onto the set having just descended from the Heavens, "I'm all ready for my interview and I'm not going to wait. Hurry it up a bit will you."
"Er..ok. So my lady, how many sparrows in an English garden?" Taka almost blushed again- almost. By now she was way too tired to care what some stupid prig of a goddess (and God but as this is rated T we'll stay away from that) thought of her question.
" Sparrows. Hmmhmmhm." She laughed daintily. "Sparrows are soooo dull. Just way too boring. Even more boring than those idiots I sent West. Mind you, they provided some quality entertainment for a while. But sparrows? Why don't you ask me about myself?"
"My Lady do you think this wise-" Jeroushin cautioned.
Woah, when'd he get here. Must be the humble lackey thing. Seems so invisible sometimes…Taka thought snidely.
"I know that you're all jealous of my ravishing beauty that lasts for eternity but that's what comes of being a goddess."
Jeroushin coughed loudly several times to Taka's amusement. "Um Kanzeon…"
"You will address me as The Great And Merciful Goddess at all times!"
"Right- Oh so Great and Merciful Goddess…" the girl's voice positively dripped with sarcasm. The goddess didn't even notice.
"As I was saying, being so generous, graceful, and gorgeous at the same time is not easy, especially when the heavens get so dull…"
At this exact moment (Which is fortunate for those who do not wish to hear her long speech about herself) Kanzeon was interrupted by the arrival of two youkai. They were none other than Dokugakugi and Yaone.
Breathless and winded they arrived on the set. "Where's Kou? What have you done with him?" Dokugakugi demanded fiercely. (Lets just call him Daku cuz his real name is way too long.)
"And where is Lady Lirin?" Yaone cried.
"Here I am!" came a loud, high-pitched squeal from the black, charred heap of ruble that used to be a pretty, stately little villa. My poor villa. "I'm O.K!"
Looks like Lirin is fine. Man that chick is annoying. Taka thought. And from the less than pleased look on several people's faces, Taka could tell that she was not alone in this thought.
"Lady Lirin! Are you all right? Why did you run off like that? We thought you had been abducted or something when you didn't turn up for lunch. There were meat buns.
"Meat buns! Awww. This stinks, I missed them." She stared forlornly at her feet. "And I didn't even kill the Sanzo-ikkou or get my interview…"
"Terrible I'm sure," muttered Doku, "But where's Kougaigi?"
"Oni-chan!" Lirin called.
"What is it now you little brat- oh its you guys." Kou said as he climbed over the smoking pile of wreckage. My poor villa, my poor, poor little villa. Taka cried silently.
Then a thought occurred to her. Hey Where is Sanzo and them anyway. What if they died! There would be investigations. And a lot of tedious paperwork. I hate paperwork. What if the credit card was buried! Then I really would be paying for all of this. And Gojyo… he can't die! NO!
While Taka was wallowing in her own secret dread, Lirin decided to voice her thoughts. "Heeeey… What did happen to droopy-eyes baldy anyway?"
"Heeheeheeheeeeeheeehee. Oh, I sent Sanzo to an anger management class. He looked like he was about to spontaneously combust- his face was soooo red! Heeheehee!" Kanzeon erupted into a fit of giggles and had to be supported by a slightly disapproving Jeroushin.
We see a furious Sanzo with a face like a beetroot glaring at a ring of fuming people sitting in a pink councilors office. His gun was taken by security guards although his fan was still clenched in his shaking fist. Goku was grinning like the Cheshire cat because Sanzo couldn't shoot him. Gojyo was tied up out in the hall because he was detained for swearing after someone accused him of being gay. (I don't know why. After all this is supposed to be Anger Management.) Hakkai was standing and smiling politely at all the people.
"Hi, my name is Cho Hakkai and I have a problem with being too forgiving."
"Hello Hakkai" the room responded dully. "Wait," someone piped up, " Isn't this supposed to be anger management?" (That's what I said!) Sanzo was absolutely fuming.
"Well, yes, but I'm only here because my friend the monk was ordered here by The Great And Merciful Goddess after a pack of demons destroyed a house and one particularly annoying one called him names." Hakkai explained.
"Wow, is your family life that bad?" one guy asked Sanzo.
Sanzo lunged toward the man, ready to strangle him without a moment's hesitation. Hakkai had to jump in and try to keep himself between the incredibly stupid man and an incredibly angry Sanzo while explaining that the Goddess was not Sanzos wife and the demons he had spoken of were NOT Sanzo's children. And he had to smile while doing it. What a pain.
But after all, this is anger management!
While all this was going on, Lirin had run off to find them and to terrorize all the shrink's offices she could find. Kougaigi had run after her and his subordinates had followed behind.
"Well, all that excitement has made me thirsty. Jeroushin- go find me something to drink!"
"Yes my Lady." Jeroushin bowed and hurried away. A few minutes later he came back with a bottle of some sort of beverage. "Enjoy" he said presenting it to her.
"Where were we? Oh yes! We were talking about me! Now-" The dark-haired goddess took a sip of the drink without looking at it because she, of course, was looking at her reflection in the camera lens. Anyway, this was a very stupid move. The drink was actually dietary supplement for old people. (Side effects may include increased facial hair.)
Just then, Kanzeon sprouted a curly black beard on camera! "B-but- but I just shaved! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" she cried out in anguish.
Then she turned to her servant and said in a voice that could freeze fire and stop a ravening wolf in it's tracks- "Jeroushin, what did you get me?"
"I'm sorry my lady. It was all I could find in this desolate land. I got it from- from the security guards."
"You mean those geeky manga people?" She asked coldly.
Jeroushin nodded meekly.
"JEROUSHIN!" Kanzeon Bosatsu wrathfully sent a lighting bolt crashing down on her bumbling lackey. He was illuminated by the sudden flash before crumbling into a small pile of gray ash with two eyes sitting in bewilderment on top. blink blink
Kanzeon sniffed waved her hand to banish the beard and with injured pride looked back to the stunned host. "What was the question?"
"The question was how many sparrows." Taka interjected.
"Fine," Kanzeon sneered. "Jeroushin, go count them."
Blink blink Two eyes stared back at her from their dusty perch.
"Oh never mind. Come on." She glided away. Taka stared after her and then motioned for someone to sweep Jeroushin up off the floor.
"Well…heh… that was certainly interesting. Next we have a child God. Yes he has a problem with discipline but who couldn't like the mischievous, recently awoken, Nataku!"
Nataku brushed the wayward strands of dirty-blond hair from his golden eyes. He came onto the set, smiled shyly and sat down. "Hi."
Taka smiled back. "So, Nataku. How have you been? I mean how did it feel to be a total space cadet for so long?"
Nataku was staring at something behind her. Taka turned to see what he was looking at but didn't see anything. Nataku was completely gone. "Uh Nataku? You there?" She waved a hand in front of his face- he didn't even blink. She tried yelling in his ear and snapping her fingers in front of his eyes. She even pinched him. Just when the host was about to give up, Nataku blinked and looked around curiously.
"Er, what happened exactly? Did I space out again?"
"Yeah."
"Sorry that has happened a lot lately. I dunno why." Hee looked up at the sky thoughtfully. As Taka feared he was in danger of spacing out again she asked him another question.
"How many sparrows in an English garden?"
"Eh?"
"Forget it," she muttered as he stared of into the blue again. "Here someone get Kanzeon to take him with her."
"Ok," she said, clapping her hands together, "Next we have the cool, but totally twisted, evil hot dude- Homura himself! And with him is the God, Zenon with a machine gun (didn't know they had those in Heaven) and Shienn with his really awesome light-saber whips!"
Homura came strutting out from behind the twisted remains of the summer home, flanked by the two gods. My poor little villa… sniff…Homura looked very dignified as did the two that strode behind him. Gods, Taka thought irritably, Are they all so arrogant? Kanzeon was bad enough but if I have to listen to him too… she left it at that.
The Prince of War's black hair was a bit ruffled as though he had caught a divine wind coming down from his lofty heights in Heaven. His odd eyes stared coolly at Taka. They were a little unnerving. Also unnerving was the uncanny composure and lack of emotion that all three displayed. Yeah, it was a bit unnerving.
"Hello. I'm Homura, Prince of War and honored emissary of the Jade Emperor." He stated coldly.
The enraged voice of Nataku floated down over the garden,"YOU STOLE MY JOB YOU LOUSY--(At this point more censoring is used.)
"I thought you didn't like that position?" Kanzeon was heard saying.
"Good point!" he conceded. "NEVERMIND! HAVE FUN MORON! I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
At this point there was a loud thud and grown that belonged to Nataku. Apparently, after realizing that he was free, he was so overcome by joy that he fell from the stairway to Heaven… That must have hurt.
Ouch! Taka cringed, but at least he's a God. Too bad we didn't get it on camera tho'.
"Yeah, so anyway Homura, how many sparrows in an English garden?"
"What English garden?"
Taka looked around. Oh yeah, the garden is kinda dead. But then what'll I use for a question? "Ummmmm…..heh…. How many sparrows in a Japanese God's garden? …."
"Well it doesn't matter does it?" he asked rhetorically.
"It doesn't?"
"No, because I will be the Supreme Ruler of Earth, Heaven and the Universe." He declared with unwavering confidence.
"So why doesn't it matter?" Not really getting it…
"Never mind. A stupid, common mortal such as yourself would never understand," he told her condescendingly. "Besides, why do you want to know about Heaven? You will certainly never understand my brilliance."
"Try me!" the Spirit Girl retorted hotly.
"With all the people under my dominion they will no longer have need to ponder such silly things as sparrows. No… perhaps I should enslave them as well…."
"Someone already tried that. It didn't work so well." Taka told him, recalling the incident with the evil, psycho lady with green hair and no fashion sense.
"I will rule the world! Haaaaaahahahahhahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" He started to enslave what was left of the dead sparrows, creating a legion of mindless sparrow zombies.
"I'll say it again for your benefit," Taka said, a vein pulsing dangerously in her forehead, "NO EVIL PLOTTING ON SET AND NO MORE DAMAGE!"
Homura calmed down considerably at the sight of his demented host wielding a camera tripod, with flames that were literally springing from her. Akuma ran on set smiling and doused that fire by throwing yet another bucket of icy water on the girl.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
After she had finished screaming, Taka fixed an extremely forced smile on her face and turned to the other two. "H-how many s-sparrows in an English garden?"
"We can find out." Zenon grinned menacingly as he hefted his machine gun.
"That's really ok…" Taka replied uneasily.
"Perhaps you wouldn't mind our… counting, as they sparrows are technically dead anyway," Shienn said dispassionately.
"Good point."
Both gods started to move but were stopped by Homura's upheld hand. Bemused, the two looked curiously to their leader. "Zenon, Shienn, would you please get me something to eat. All this excitement has given me a frightful appetite."
Jeez what is with these gods. Something bad will come from this, just like it did when Kanzeon wanted a drink…
"Let me think. What do I want? I know, how about some pocky! "
"Um, Ok my Lord. C'mon Shienn, his handsomeness wants pocky," Zenon grunted and started off. "Hey, where on this God-forsaken Earth can someone find decent pocky?"
"Wallmart?" Shienn suggested. (I know that there's no such thing as Wallmart there but Wally World is awesome so give me a break )
"Well now that those two have gone on a quest for long, Japanese pastries in the foms of sticks, otherwise known as pocky…. We'll keep going. Thank you Homura for your views. And yes, you can take all your mutant sparrows with you."
Taka smiled at the camera again although it looked more akin to a grimace. "Next we would have Komi-sama, a monk whose ambition extends much further than his swelled head, but he's also been sent to anger management so we'll just have to speculate…"
We see an explosive Genjyo Sanzo grappling with a very irritated Komi-sama. (holding a chibified Jeep doll).
(Man these stars are fun!)
"Thank you everyone for watching A Friendly Chat in Paradise. This is our last episode sniff so, this is Taka signing off." BANG. Taka rounded on someone off camera. Presumably Zenon or Shienn. "NO USING POCKY STICKS AS TORCHES! PUT THOSE OUT THIS INSTANT! I MEAN IT!"
THE END ( of the interviews)
This is an after production interview. ----
Taka: So Akuma, How many sparrows in an English garden?
Akuma: Taka…I'm hungry. Why do I havta take this stupid questionnaire thing anyway? I'm hungry! (It is hard to imagine Akuma as sad and dejected but she manages quite well at lunch time.) Do you have any food-
Taka: No.
Akuma: But-
Taka: NO!
Akuma: Stupid mumblemumbleCreates HUGE fireball and incinerates gardenand all that is left of zombie sparrows Ok-there are no Sparrows left in the garden, now can I have something to eat?
And yet another---
Taka: How many sparrows in an English garden? African or European? Wait that's swallows. Never mind.
Stay tuned cuz this ain't the last chappie. I hav 1 more to go. So plz don't bail now! Love ya all!- Pixystixcleaver