Chapter 5: Love means knowing when to let go
Beautiful music permeated the room as Tsukushi delicately plucked the strings of the shamisen. The whole room listened, enchanted. There was no doubt that Tsukushi's greatest talent lay in her music. When she finished everyone clapped, with the exception of Sakurako who glared at her. But than again, Sakurako had always been competitive and pitted herself against all the geishas in the okiya.
Tsukushi ignored her and smiled appreciatively at everyone. Against her better judgement she cast a glance at Domyouji. To her surprise, he was clapping along. When she caught his eye, he stopped immediately and looked away.
Smirking she said, "Domyouji-san, I hoped that was to your liking."
He gave a small cough and said, "That was all right I suppose."
Akira stared at him incredulously, "All right? That was a first-rate performance!"
Tsukushi could not help giving a smirk. "I've won this round," she gloated inwardly. "That'll teach you not to be so arrogant, Domyouji!"
The night wore on and soon it was time for the F3 to leave. As they bade the geishas goodnight, Domyouji gave her a piece of paper and walked away quickly. Too surprised to say anything, she took it and slipped it in one of her linings in her kimono.
Later as the geishas were on their way home, Sakurako hissed, "Don't think you can capture Domyouji-san's heart! He will never fall for someone like you." She glared at Tsukushi contemptuously and walked ahead fast.
Yuki looked at Sakurako's retreating back and wondered out loud, "What is with her?"
Suddenly sick of everything, Tsukushi wanted to be by herself. "Yuki, you go back to the okiya first. There's something I feel like doing now." With that she rushed off, leaving Yuki alone to gape at her.
Tsukushi felt her heart grow heavy. She was getting into one of her moods again, that feeling of 'I don't want to be a geisha why am I here.' She wandered around the Gion district until her feet reached the beach, away from the hustle and bustle of everything. Being by the ocean at night always made her feel better.
There was something mysterious about the sea when it was dark and she loved staring at the horizon, wondering what possibilities lay in store with her at the other end. As she watched the eternal rhythm of the waves, her mind wandered back and forth to thoughts that plagued her which she continually suppressed.
When she finally felt better and her heart not as heavy, she got up and decided to walk along the beach for awhile. Glancing out at the sea, her eyes vaguely made out a figure walking deeper and deeper into the ocean. Her heart skipped a beat. Was he trying to drown himself? She ran out into the water, shouting, "Hey! What are you doing? Its dangerous out here!" The figure turned around and Tsukushi gasped.
"Hanazawa-san. I.. What are you doing here? I thought you were.. Umm..never mind," she stumbled over her words.
He squinted at her, "Oh its you, Makino Tsukushi. I didn't expect anybody to be out at this time of the night. I was just wading into the water. It feels refreshing to feel the sand beneath your feet." He walked further into the water.
Tsukushi spoke up anxiously, "You shouldn't go in so deep. The tide picks up at this time and the currents are unpredictable." She followed him, "It can be dangerous. Let's go back to the shore. I.. Ah!"
She tripped on something wedged into the sand and fell into the water. She sat up spitting water out and looked up to see Hanazawa Rui's hand held out. He had a hint of smile mixed with concern on his face, "Silly girl. Look at the paint coming off your face. You could easily be mistaken for a ghost."
Tsukushi sputtered indignantly, "Silly? I was trying to be concerned about you!" She tried to get up herself but found the weight of the kimono dragging her down.
"Come on," his hand was still stretched out to her.
With her heart beating fast she grasped his hand and he hauled her out of the water. The fingers on his cold hand were wedged in between hers as he led her back to the shore.
'His hands fit perfectly into my mine,' she couldn't help wondering.
When they reached the shore, he let go of her hand much to her disappointment. They sat down side by side and looked out into the ocean.
"You should go back. Your clothes are wet," he spoke without looking at her.
"Later, maybe. I don't feel like going back yet. Thanks for the help even if you did call me silly. Umm.. Hanazawa-san.. Why didn't you go the gathering just now?"
"Didn't feel like it."
'I guess he still isn't ready to talk about Shizuka-sempai,' she thought with a tinge of sadness.
Looking out at the stars that lighted up the cold dark night she said, "Hanazawa-san, the stars look exceptionally bright tonight."
He gazed upwards to the sky with a faraway look, "They look so beautiful but so.. unreachable. No matter how much you want to get near it, its impossible to."
Tsukushi's heart gave a lurch. All along she knew that her feelings for him grew stronger every time, but it was suddenly at that moment she realized that only one person could bring him the happiness he needed.
'I want to see him smile but as much as I want to, I'm not the person that can do it,' she pondered silently with a tinge of regret.
She took a deep breath. She knew what she had to do now.
Tsukushi gazed at a particularly beautiful star, "Look at the light coming from the stars. But you know, some stars don't even exist anymore because their light has taken so long to get to us that they are already dead. What we can see now is only a remnant from the past."
She took a deep breath, "If you want something badly, than don't sit around thinking that you'll never get it. Try hard before its too late." Tsukushi raised her voice, "Don't you dare pine for Shizuka-sempai if you not even going to do anything about it!"
At her words, something in him seemed to change. He stared out at the ocean, unable to mask his sadness. Tsukushi knew she had said too much. "I'm sorry. My words came out more strongly than I intended to."
Hanazawa Rui gave a bitter laugh, "No you're right. Even when we were small, Shizuka would protect me and do everything for me. I'm still that little introverted kid who can't do anything for the one person he cares about."
He continued, "When she announced that day she was leaving, my heart was breaking. But I didn't do anything. I didn't say goodbye.. I keep thinking all those years how sad she must have been. Than when I finally saw her again, a flood of memories came back. But I don't know how to tell her everything I feel. Too many things have happened between us. I feel like I've lost control of everything."
Tsukushi shook her head," You know what's the world's greatest lie? That at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us. The truth is it is only ourselves that can control our own destiny. When my parents left me in the okiya, I felt my world come to an end. I could crumble but I chose to live on as a geisha and work my way to pay back the okiya whatever my parents owed them. I hate this life that I'm leading but I won't allow myself to lose control because I know there's a better life waiting out there for me. And you know what? Its paid off. The debts that need to be repaid over the years are getting smaller. Very soon, I can quit being a geisha. I allow myself to feel sad occasionally but not up to the point where I lose control. If not, everything I've dreamed and worked for and would have been in vain."
Hanazawa Rui gazed at her softly, "I like you. You have a strength that I don't have."
'You gave me my strength back the day you gave me your handkerchief and wiped away my invisible tears. Even though I now know I can't bring you the happiness you need, I'll never ever lose the strength that you gave me. Maybe its now my turn to help you find your strength.' Tsukushi thought to herself.
Tsukushi smiled, "I believe that you possess the same strength too. You just have to find it inside you and I'm confident that you can. Don't hold back anymore."
She looked at him and saw a glimpse of his tears glistening in the moonlight. She knew that he needed to be alone now.
"I'm going now. Don't stay up too late, searching for answers," she told him. As she got up, he suddenly grabbed her hand and drew her closer to him. Hugging her, he whispered, "I don't know why but I feel comfortable telling you all these things that I would never share with my friends. Thank you for not letting me feel empty on this cold night."
Letting her tears roll, she returned his embrace and held him tightly. Finally he released her and she urged him softly, "Shizuka-sempai is waiting for you."
Turning away from him, she walked away and willed herself not to look back at the solitary figure on the beach.
"Perhaps love is knowing when to let go. Take care, Hanazawa Rui."
Author's Note: Okay, so this chapter was mostly R/T but I felt that I needed to develop their relationship more. And yeah, I based this scene in HYD where the two of them were talking on the beach during the vacation at Domyouji's island and also the airport when they were seeing off Shizuka to Paris. Also T/T fans, look out for the next chapter. Just what the heck did Domyouji write on that piece of paper?!