Title: The Hardest Words
By: Amanda
Feedback: sweety167yahoo.ca
For: Kat
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I'm just playing with JK Rowling's toys. I promise to put them back when I'm done, whenever that is.
Timing: MWPP Era
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Summary: Those three words are the hardest, especially when you aren't worth them.
Completed: December 24, 2005
Notes: Number six of my Christmas Gift Fics, this one for mackittenx. She gave me a prompt of first time fumblings and saying I love you, than dared me to make it angst. So, I think I can keep my angst queen title a little longer…don't you?
Oddly, it was inspired by Elton John's song, 'Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word'
Even with Remus' lips pressed against his, Sirius' mind wandered. It worried.
How does he tell the boy in his arms that he loves him? How does he tell Remus when he doesn't deserve it, when he isn't enough for him. He isn't enough for anyone.
In the midst of experimental kisses, and roaming hands, Sirius couldn't forget the connection between this mistletoe kiss and his own Christmas kiss-off.
It was first year. It was first year when he became the great outcast of the Noble House of Black. The smudge on the family portrait. He remembers those Christmas holidays, his twelve year-old-self expecting a warm family welcome (at least by Black standards), not the icy glare of his mother. The cool way she informed him that he needn't bother returning home the next Christmas. Or any afterward. She addressed him like a guest who had overstayed his welcome. Not a son. Not the eldest son who was returning home.
He wasn't even good enough for his own mother. He wasn't good enough for her to love him. Even he wasn't enough to be loved by the family that was supposed to, he's never be enough for Remus to love. He'd never be more that tolerated. So he could never tell Remus those hardest words. He could never risk seeing that same icy demeanour in Remus' warm eyes.
Brave Gryffindor indeed. Sirius pulled away. Careful not to get comfortable with kissing those thin lips. Careful not to betray what was really happening, what he was really feeling.
Before Remus could speak, before he could utter a rejection or a cold response, Sirius snapped into defence, defiance. He tossed his head back and let out a small laugh. It was small and forced and sad. But it hide him well.
"Next time we'll have to watch for that nasty mistletoe, eh Moony?" he chuckled again, staring off at the wall just behind Remus' right shoulder.
"Ah…er…Right Pads," Remus ducked his head and staggered off, "watch the mistletoe…"
Sirius watched him leave, sighing. "I love you," he whispered to the empty hall.
End.