Title: Denial
By: Amanda
Feedback: sweety167yahoo.ca
For: Katie. Surfergirl17
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I'm just playing with JK Rowling's toys. I promise to put them back when I'm done, whenever that is.
Timing: Post OotP
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Summary: And Remus waits…
Completed: December 24, 2005
Notes: Number seven of my Christmas Gift Fics…only not so happy. Sorry Surfergirl17, but I couldn't get this fic out of my head. Happy Christmas though!
I told Harry not to run in after you. I told him no on has ever come back from behind this ratty and mythical sheet of fabric.
But I add the hope of Not Yet, for myself.
And I sit here – waiting, hoping, watching – every night, just in case. Because if anyone can step back out, it's you. It just has to be you.
I can be cold and logical to a mere boy, but lack the reality for myself. "Don't go after him Harry. Harry you must keep on living. But Remus, oh, you can wait a lifetime on the slightest If. What would it hurt for you to wait…"
After all, haven't I already been waiting a lifetime for you Sirius? One way or another. Why not wait here. Why not let my heart jump everything the veil flutters. Why not let myself hope…only to be disappointed. It's all I have. All I have is sitting here, waiting for you.
I tell Harry not to look back, with my stiff upper lip and British resolve. I stand tall and proud, while I crumble inside. I'm a pile of broken pieces, useless scraps. Why else would no one care I was here every night, hiding in the bowels of a building watching a piece of fabric. Talking to it.
Harry doesn't even owl me anymore. I suspect he's sick of my controlled responses to his pain. The way I never utter so much as a 'there, there' to the child who's lost everyone. Because I can't process you being gone. I can't accept it. I won't.
I don't fill in the pieces for him anymore…I've failed him. I'm so sorry Sirius; I've failed to be there for your godson. I've failed to comfort him, to explain it all to him. I can't explain it to myself.
But you can make it up to him. You can make it up to all of us. You can step back out.
So I'm sitting here. I'm staying here every night. I'm waiting for you to.
End.