so here's the next chapter... hope you like this kind of 'mind reading'...
By the way, does someone know what was exactly in the note Dawn left for Ryan? It's quite hard to read...
Picking up Ryan ...
Unbelievable!
UNbelievable – only two small letters which turn this word into a lie. Predictable should have been the word, but it remained unsaid. To be honest I had known it deep in my heart – but who wants to be honest right now? Not in front of this man nor my son, not even to myself. Pretending I'm shocked by what happened is so much easier, than to admit, that I'm not surprised at all. I know quite well you're not a saint, even if I liked to believe else. It's only starting pouring down on you kiddo... believe it or not...
What kind of family I've got?
Drunkards, thugs, criminals… welcome to the Atwood family… if you can call this a family at all. A husband who's in jail for armed robbery, a son who's going to jail for carrying a gun and drugs while stealing a car and another son who was damn too close going down as well . This is no family, this is a mess. Admitting I'm part of it, is... uh... And they say my drinking is a problem? I guess I'm the only sane here. I try to care, but you make it so damn hard. I'm not a mess, I'm not like you. Don't know where you got it from, but not from me – maybe your dad, maybe your brother. Am I the one totally out of line or you? I know quite well, I'm not a perfect person, yet alone a perfect mother. To keep myself together isn't easy, to keep this family together is impossible. All you guys do is going to tear this family apart – with your brawls, the drugs, the guns, the crimes, the drinking... you're the last evidence Ryan... an evidence I didn't want to have, I didn't need. So... forgive me... forgive me for wanting to forget this little unimportant thing... this family is already torn apart indeed...
What the hell did I do to deserve this family?
It's not my fault, we're on welfare – my husband's in jail and I have two kids to raise. It's not my fault I was fired – the manger didn't like me and it was a miserable job with miserable payment anyway. It's not my fault, that I'm too drunk to get up to get to work in time – my boyfriend wanted to party, how could I say no? It's not my fault if there's no food in the fridge – I lost my driving license because of an overeager cop, how can I go shopping? It's not my fault my kids are lingering in the streets – they won't listen to me. It's not my fault. It's the damn welfare, paying that less, it's the postman, delivering all those invoices, it's the bank, not giving me any further credit, it's the job I don't like, it are my boyfriends and all the bad things they bring to my home. Name someone to blame and you're right. Name everyone and you won't be wrong, but don't blame me... not my fault... I'm only who I used to be... If this is my fault... then don't bother to tell me... because then... a thousand regrets would not be enough...
You wanna tell me that?
Spit it out! Tell me, why you let your brother talk you into this. Tell me, why you listen to him at all. Tell me why you stole that car. Tell me why you got into that shit. Tell me, why you rope me in. I already know the answer, but tell me nevertheless. You did, didn't you? You're accusing me. Not with words, but with your eyes – this blue, deep, sad eyes. Words where never your thing, you never talk much, but you could say more with one short glance, than thousand words would do. You're not moving your head, only your eyes... your looks can kill indeed... do you really think I didn't notice... you think I deserve where I am, because I messed up... tell you what... maybe I did... but I don't want to hear it again... not from you... not from anyone else... there are too many things I wish I didn't do...
You should have let rotten him.
You should have. We both know this kid is rotten to the core. Not worth the effort, not worth any effort - not yours, not mine. Hey, you're his attorney and it's your job, that's what they pay you for, but we both know where this kid will end, no matter if you have him out right now or not. No matter at all. Getting him out won't change a damn thing. He's still an Atwood, he still lives in Chino and he still means troubles right away and again. Maybe he was a good kid… once… but that won't change where he's going to… he comes straight out of juvie and it's only a matter of time, when he'll be back... They say he's smart. So why wasn't he smart enough not to get caught? Why wasn't he smart enough to stay out of juvie? He's not that smart not to listen to his brother. He's not that smart not to come after his father. He is not that smart to leave his fingers from booze, drugs, brawls and girls – he had plenty of it, even though he is only sixteen. I recommend a good crime police too if he's around. Do you really think that was the first time? Do you really think he's going to stop? For what? There's nothing for him out there and he knows it. By god, he knows it quite well and that's the way he's dealing with it. It's the way the Atwoods are dealing with it. Hell, that's the way half Chino is dealing with it. He learned one or two things about life and he had to learn it the hard way. Maybe he just have to learn one or two things more. Maybe juvie isn't the worst place on earth for him right now...
Just like his dads doing and just like his brother gonna.
Bad influence, that's what they call it. Oh yeah he is so much his dad. I don't think he is aware of this, but he is. He looks like him, he talks like him, he behaves like him. Trey has a string of convictions since childhood and it's a miracle to me how Ryan had managed to stay out of the records till now – again like his dad. Still waters run deep. Sooner than later he's going to end like him. That's what I have do deal with. I know I'm his mother and that I should sort out this mess. He is my son and I should care, help him, comfort him. But what can I do? I've tried my best with his dad and messed up. I tried again with Trey and lost. I set all my hope into Ryan and he let me down as well. Everything I'm touching turns into a mess. Me, my life, my kids, my husband... there's nothing left. How should I handle this? There's none there. None who cares about me, help me, comfort me... I don't have the strength to fight anymore... What I'm supposed to do?... I don't know, I really don't know…
Lets go Ryan!
It's over. You are off the hook - for this time. I won't say thanks to your attorney, because there's nothing to be thankful for. I know I'll see him or one of his kind soon enough again. I only want to go home now. I need cigarette and maybe... another drink would do fine...
Now Ryan!
I already said to much. My heads killing me. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the way this guy is looking at me. I know what he's thinking. He looks at me and thinks he knows everything. He thinks it's no big surprise this boy messed up, with a messed up mother like me, but he's wrong. I had only a bad day today. AJ lost nearly 300 bucks while gambling yesterday, I got up with a terrible hang over and when I called in sick, this liar of a manager affirmed that it would be the fourth time in a fortnight and fired me. The next call didn't cheer me up either. That's why I'm here - picking up my son. Believe me, that day wasn't exactly fun, so forgive me for looking a little battered... I am...
Let's go!
I think you noticed that I'm more than pissed off. Stop talking to this bastard of a lawyer and come on. He can't help you. There's nothing more to say. So don't strike roots and get your ass in the damn car... my hands shaking... I need to go... something is waiting for me at home... something to steady my hands... and hopefully calming my mind...