Thanks for the reviews... they really convinced me:)
...so don't blame me for continuing... ;)

I know, it's not my best chapter... but I guess Dawns mind's not so clear this afternoon... ;)

Homecoming

I can't do this anymore Ryan.
It's too much for me right now…
You...
Trey...
AJ...
My job...
Me getting fired...
My head killing me…
Still...
Fucking hangover...
You're fucking shitty behavior...
I'm disappointed…
By you…
By me...
You messed up...
Again...
I need time...
I need a drink...
I can't work it out…
I can't handle this…
I need time to get one more drink...
Better two…
To think over this...
To get over it…
I need a cigarette...
I need to bury a few things…
Maybe a further drink...
Maybe my hopes I set in you...
Maybe my life...
Maybe your life…
Hey kiddo, do you even have a clue, what you've done to me…
I lost your father...
This was hard enough...
I'm loosing your brother..
I'm losing you...
I'm losing everything...
Piece by piece...
There's nothing left...
Only a stale aftertaste I can't get rid off...
It hurts Ryan...
It hurts more than everything...
My world's tumbling down...
And all I can do is watching doless...
You won't be there to pick up what's left...
It's something I must live with everyday...
And I can't do it...
Not anymore...

I can't.
My life sucks...
I'm on a highway to hell...
Nothing gonna stop this...
Maybe it's your fault...
Maybe AJ...
Maybe the drinking...
Maybe the past...
I tried...
I failed...
I tried harder...
I failed again...
I'm tiered...
I'm so alone...
I need something...
Everything...
Whatever will take me out of this shit...
Whatever will make it more bearable...
I need a cigarette...
I need a drink...
I need some pills...
Maybe then...
Hell…
That's where I am...
I'd like to scream...
At you...
At the world...
Only scream to hear nothing else anymore
As this might change anything
Or at least give me back some sanity...

I want you out of my house.
Stop looking at me like that…
I hate this uncertain accusing glances...
As if I'm your problem...
As if from my hands comes your harm...
Shit the glass is empty...
Again...
I can't look at you...
You show me a truth I'm not ready to face...
Not yet...
You're terrified by a few simple words?
Me too...
It's the first time I'm deadly serious about it...
And you know it...
Your eyes are like a mirror...
I don't like what I see...
What I've become
What you've become...
Don't accuse me...
You let me down..
Not the other way..
Maybe if you leave everything will be right back to normal...
Maybe I can pretend this didn't happened
Maybe I can pretend you are not my son...
Are…
Were...
Fuck...
Whatever…
Not my business anymore…
At least I pretend...
Pretending that my life is normal...
That's what I do best...

I want you out.
Now you're sorry...
Now it's to late...
It wasn't me stealing the damn car…
It wasn't me getting into juvie…
Take it out somewhere else…
Take it out on someone else…
It's not my problem…
Not anymore…
You're old enough…
Not my responsibility…
Not my mess…
Not this time…
Not my fault…
Not at all…
Go…
Leave…
I don't mind where are you going to...
You have enough friends...
Give them a hard time...
Maybe they have a bed for you...
Maybe that is, where you're welcome...
But not here...
After what you've done...
You're not my son...
Not anymore...

AJ don't.
AJ don't.
Ray don't.
Steve don't.
Dad don't.
Don't…
That's all I ever say...
Don't...
That's the magical word...
That's what make me feel better...
I do something to protect my kids!
What else can I do?
I can't step in between my boyfriends and my kids...
Not when it's going down to a beating...
I'm too weak...
Don't...
And then I'll pour myself another drink...
And then I'll close my eyes and mind...
Nothing wrong is happening...
There were worse times...
Worse places...
Worse men...
Why talk, if a slap in the face does the job?
It's ok, isn't it?
My dad...
AJ...
My boyfriends...
They couldn't be wrong, could they?
Don't...
Kids need a beating from time to time!
Don't...
I hear me...
Fighting back my tears...
Not fighting back the fist...
Not fighting back the pain...
Don't...
It never stopped only one of them...
Certain things simply happens...
Nothing I can do...
Accept...
Life is a bitch...
They tear my world apart...
Left me with a single word on my mind...
My refuge...
My frustration...
My dullness...
My fury...
My helplessness...
My hope...
My inability...
DON'T!

Ryan just get out.
One step too far...
One word too much.
Go...
Go before AJ gets upset...
You know how he could be...
Don't talk back...
Don't put him on the edge...
Go...
Please...
Get out...
Leave...
I don't want you to be hurt...
Still...
You can come back...
Maybe tomorrow...
Maybe the day after…
Maybe in a week...
But for now...
Just get out…
Let things settle down...
Tomorrow will be a another day...
Tomorrow then...
Maybe...