Tnx for the review, it's really convincing :) ... Btw, I like my last chapter, so no worries... but I guess I'll never be really happy with a chapter... reading it a dozen times, I always find something to change for the better... ;)

Test Pattern

When Dawn woke up, an awkward continuous tone filled the room. She opened her eyes, only to find out that the world was turning a little too fast for her stomach. Hastily she closed her eyes again, in the hope to avoid puking – but it was already to late. She didn't care – there were enough old stains on the floor already, so a new one wouldn't stand out. After a few minutes she was ready to give it a second try. This time the world seemed more steady. Disoriented and still drunk she worked hard to sit upright on the couch, not sure if her head was still in one piece and her stomach was fine with it.

"AJ?" she asked with a croaking voice, but got no answer. So AJ hadn't returned from the pub yet. The chance was great he found someone else to cheer him up tonight – but she didn't mind. She wasn't exactly a jealous person, as she expected her boyfriends not to be. Exhausted she looked around and finally found out, where this horrible sound came from. The TV was still running, but the game show was now replaced by test pattern. Which freak had the idea to send a test pattern? she asked herself, holding her head. Who to hell wants to see this shit at all? Everyone hates this boring, useless, agonizing test pattern, which was more than lulling at the same time. The penetrating tone didn't help to ease her headache. So why couldn't she take her eyes from this fucking test pattern?

Maybe because the last time she was starring at the test pattern, she made the decision to move from Fresno to Chino for a start over. She had promised her boys and herself a better life. For the first few weeks it really seemed to work out, even the new house was a dump and the job wasn't good either. Then she started to date Ray... She don't know how, but taking a bunch of hundred men – she was going to pick out the biggest ass at once. Ray was no exception. That was her kind of luck. The faces of her boyfriends changed from time to time, but the thing that never changed was the violence which came with them. Only a sip she told herself, after Ray had given her a beating. Only a sip to stop the pain. When she had woken up, lying in her own vomit, the first thing she had seen was the empty container of booze right in front of her... here we go again...

"Ryan!" she called her son for help. It was always Ryan who helped her to her feet and cleaned her mess. His reproachful, disappointed but mainly resigned silence, was something she could handle or at least - ignore. "Ryan!" she shouted out louder. "Where the hell are you?" And than she remembered... Ryan... he wasn't here this time and she didn't know, if he ever would come back...

AJ had given Ryan a good deal of a beating today, as he had done too many times before. Under different circumstances Ryan would have known better, than talking back to AJ, let alone grabbing him. But today he was more frightened and upset about her, throwing him out, than by AJs short temper. AJ wasn't the man to let such an assault rest. He knows quite well how to handle disrespect and that was nothing Dawn dared to interfere. For the world outside, AJ left Ryan with some red bruises on his cheek. But underneath his clothes was different world - a world Ryan learned to hide well. Beneath some prints of AJs heavy boots, he had marked Ryan with quite a few ugly weals using his broad leather belt – a little reminder for this godforsaken good-for-nothing piece of shit, as AJ likes to call him. She had tried to lighten a cigarette with shaky hands, as an helpless attempt to ignore the sounds of the beating which was going on in the boys room. She wasn't blessed with luck. Cursing the broken lighter, she had angrily thrown it across the kitchen followed by the cigarette and had poured herself another drink as replacement. When was the last time she saw Trey or Ryan without bruises, cuts, a black eye or - even worse - broken bones? Sometimes she wasn't sure, if she ever had. The sudden silence had caught her of guard, but had filled her with a strange kind of relieve at the same time. Ryan seemed lucky today. Usually AJ wouldn't have let him off that easy, but the chance to threw Ryan out, apparently soften him. At least it was over, she thought eased. AJs grim voice filled the little house, telling Ryan that he could stay if he likes - only to get more - or that he has exactly a minute to grab his stuff and leave. Ryan didn't even bother to look at her, when he left the house in a hurry - his head bent down, his eyes on the ground – defeated. A beaten up boy – her boy - with the devil on this back– his whole life fitting in a small backpack – and nothing she could do.
"Go to hell!" AJ had shouted, before he had slammed the door shut behind Ryan and strolled into the kitchen. "AJ, this wasn't necess..." He slapped her into the face.
"Shut up. A little late for playing mother... be happy we got rid of this troublesome little bastard." he hold her while tears running silently down her face. She opened her mouth to talk back, but his fist closed it wordless, sending her to the ground. The glass in her hands shattered on the floor. "Stop crying!" he yelled at her, kicking her with his boot. "You should have send him packing months ago!"
"AJ, please... don't..." Dawn cried.
"Shut up fucking bitch!" he shouted, still kicking her. "You wanted him out! I threw him out! I did you a fucking favor, so stop crying right now or I give you a real reason to do so." Dawn tried to hold back her tears. She knew quite well that what had happened to Ryan could easily happen to her – it wouldn't be the first time either. And AJ was really pissed off...
"I'm sorry" she finally managed to whisper, not sure if she had said it to AJ, Ryan or actually to herself...

The longer she looked at it, the more maddening it got. You have to be nuts, starring at the test pattern, she told herself. Test pattern. Slowly some crazy kind of realization crossed her foggy mind. Test pattern... monotone... useless... boring... hated... meaningless... nothing... Tears filled her eyes, because for the first time, she saw a truth she had long pushed away. That's what her life was – just test pattern. The movies were long gone, only the test pattern was left behind. She hated her house, her boyfriends, her family, her life... herself... She didn't know how she could have borne it that long. But now she could run from it... her husband, Trey, Ryan, they were all gone... it seemed a thousand years ago... no responsibilities anymore... nothing left... no regrets... now she was free. There has to be something else - even for her. Last time she tried to start over it went terribly wrong, but this time she was not gonna let this happen. This time she was not gonna spend a second thought. This time this was her break – her last opportunity, a small one, but at least a chance. She would leave this town, start over somewhere else - New friends, a new job, a nice flat, not bound to a family, abusive boyfriends or booze anymore. She would leave without taking anything with her, leaving her past like her stuff behind. She really wanted to make a fresh start. Not in a week, not tomorrow, but tonight! A strange feeling truckled down her spin and it took her a little to find out that it was fear. She was not afraid of a new start – she knew she could make it. This fear was different – she was frighted, that it could be already to late if she didn't do it right now. The fear grew into panic. She wasn't an euphoric person, but if it hits her, there was not much to stop her... the promise of a new life and everything what still lies before her, gave her new spirits. All she longed for was getting out of here – as fast as possible. She got up in a rush and hurried straight to the door, cursing the furniture and wast, she was stumbling across and slowing her down. Outside she took a deep breath, the world started to turn around again, but she didn't mind. She felt down the short stair, but hastily struggled on her feet again and then she began to run – her old life like the devil on her back. She didn't dare to look back, she didn't dare to stop... She was going to change these fucking test pattern into a fucking movie again...