Tnx for the review... as always very convincing :)

I know I stuck quite closely to Dawns text passages during the last chapters, but I couldn't find out, what was on that note, so I made my own version. Hope you like it...

The Note

Someone hoiked her not very gentle. "Hey" a nameless voice screamed. "It's half past five and we're closing." She looked confused at first, but realized a little later were she was. Slowly she left the bar. Hell, that was a long night, but as it seems not all to bad. She was still able to be on her feet without any help and that would mean something, even if she had no clue how she got here. Blackouts weren't knew to her and she doesn't care anyway. On the way home the world was turning around her. Home, sweet home she thought deflated, when the house came in sight. At the same time a strange feeling startled her that something was wrong, but she couldn't figure out what it was. The door was open. Fucking AJ, couldn't even close the door… this useless drunk. Didn't he know, this was an invitation for every thief here in town – hell, this was Chino. But anyhow, there was nothing in this shitty shack that was worth stealing, she calmed herself. When she stepped inside, a continuous tone filled the room and the TV was still rushing – test pattern again. At once the memories where back. It wasn't only the he stench of her vomit, none had clean up, which made her choking. She wasn't supposed to be here again, she thought horrified. She was supposed to start over. Why to hell had her start over ended straight in a bar? She had not the faintest idea. "Great start over!" She muttered. "Really great." Was she lying to herself again, as she had too many nights before? How often had she promised herself a new life? How often had she made it not further than to the fridge only to pick up a new bottle? Her eyes stopped on the half filled glass on the table and she went over and knocked it down at once. Angry she looked at the glass in her hands. Was this shit making the decisions for her now? Not this time! Not again! Not this time! Out of a sudden fury she barely understand she dashed the glass towards the TV which shattered with a loud bang. And then there was silence – no test pattern, no awkward tone, nothing. Only lovely silence, which was filled slowly with her diffident chuckles. The chuckles turned into lunatic laughters. It took her some time to calm down. Tears were running down her cheeks, but this time the weren't caused by pain or self-pity, this time it was defiant relief. She hurried into her room, picked up a battered suitcase and throw randomly clothes in it. She had to hasten, so she would be away before AJ – or worse – Ryan would be back . By the thought of her son, she stopped a moment, but then shrugged and continued packing. He made his own choice already. Nothing she had to care about anymore. She looked around, picked up the phone and made a call. An hour later everything was packed. Three hours later the house was totally empty. The furniture and everything else which didn't fit into the suitcase or her purse was gone. Neither AJ nor Ryan had returned yet - fortunately. She took it as a sign that she was doing the right thing. Her view slid through the deserted house. Out of nothing the picture of Ryan crossed her mind, as he left the house yesterday – a house he could or maybe should never return to. If she had thought, there weren't any obligations left, now a faint hint of conscience reminded her of the last one – Ryan. She didn't know where to find him and if he would come back at all. But if, she should say 'good bye' at least. Waiting was not an option, that was for sure. Would a note do the job? What else could she do? A note would save her from his sad eyes and his reproachful glance, it would save her from dealing with him in person. She feared, she couldn't make it. Was she wrong? Was what she intended to do wrong? Her mind told her no, but something deep inside her wasn't too sure about that. It was only a thin low voice, which was drowned out by the gurgling sink alone. A note would be OK she decided on the spot. She looked around, but no clean sheet of paper was handy. The only thing she found was a little piece of white fabric in one of the cupboards. As good as paper she guessed. She searched her purse for a pen, picked finally a red lip liner and started to write.

Dear Ryan,

I have no clue what to say to you - no clue at all.
There isn't much to say if you're starting over.
Maybe you'll call it running away – but I'm not.
I want to say sorry – but I'm not.
I want to say I'm loving you – but I'm not… sure.
I want to say I'm missing you – but I'm not… not now.
Maybe later.
Maybe we are both better off.
I'm your mom - and I'm not.
You deserve better – or worse.
But this will be your choice then.
Nothing you can blame on me.
I don't know if leaving makes any difference to you.
Am I abandoning you?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
How can I abandon someone I never really had?
Maybe we never meant to be together.
Maybe you're just another mistake.
I'm leaving you a note.
A note.
Just or at least?
Am I a coward?
Am I selfish?
Am I evil?
I even don't know anymore if good and evil exists at all.
I don't know anymore what is the difference between success and failure.
I don't know who made the fucking rules for this fucking game.
All I knew is that I can't do this anymore…

Ten minutes later she was still starring at the two single words she had written till now. The red color on the white fabric seemed like blood - maybe it was. Words weren't her thing – not if truth was involved. Frustrated she throw the fabric away. A drink would suit fine right now. 'Hey, you are starting over', she reminded herself, 'so no drinks.' If she wanted to start over, she had to make clean cuts. Ryan was the last loose end... failure... son... whatever... Looking on the fabric on the floor, she gave it a second thought. If she hasn't to say anything else to him, she owed him at least the facts. With a sigh she picked up the fabric.

I can't do this anymore.
Don't bother to look for your stuff, it's past – like everything else.

With this everything was said. Reading it again she couldn't believe that so few words could hold a whole life. She hesitated for a moment. The lip liner was on the paper again, ready to finish her farewell. After this he would hate her anyway. She wouldn't be his Mom anymore - if she ever was. She would sign it with Dawn - Dawn should be OK she suggested. Stuff it! She made the first vertical stroke for the D and hesitated again. She couldn't do it. She knew she would hurt him – but not this way. She still had a heart, she still was his…

Mom
PS: Take care kid.

She left the note on the kitchen counter public for everyone who came in... like a confession – her confession. As she walked from the house, she didn't look back – there was no need to do so. A clean cut, that's what she wanted. But the cut run deep and nothing prepared her for the pain which came with it…