Disclaimer: Do Not Own DC, Teen Titans, Nightwing.
Setting: Nightwing returns to Bludhaven before a Raven's arrival in Teen Titans.
"In the darkened city of Bludhaven, a troubled mind ruthlessly punishes himself under the guise of 'training'..."
Loss So Unspeakable
As his battered body is still recovering from his last battle that left him with the nickname, 'Crutches', he continues his training despite the burning his whole body is exuding.
(flashback) In Batcave - before Robin gets shot and Batman forces Robin out
"I am not you, Bruce. I'll never be an upper crust, lazy, rich loner. That's just not ME!"
"You ungrateful, arrogant, stubborn, immature child", the unmasked, tired Bat stares down at the teen-aged, restless bird in front of him. Anger and fear consumes Batman because he sees the determined eyes laid upon him were the same he used on Alfred when he wanted to abandon Wayne Manor. He relented and stayed; whereas here, he can see the outcome is dangerously teetering the other way. The difference, he sees, is in the resolve of the eyes' owner; the will within this 'child', his child as his breath catches in his throat, is stronger because this will is born of desperation and hunger: the need to prove himself and the idea he has nothing to lose. In reality, he knows Robin doesn't have anything to lose; in Robin's mind, he lost everything the day his parents died.
"I want adventure, a team, independence. This stuffy city and manor come with too many trappings. I feel caged…" Robin exasperates.
'How do you think I feel?', the Bat admits to himself as he turns away.
"I should have known you will quit. You quit college. You quit your relationships. You're a quitter." With that he walks away, he knows that Robin will eventually leave and that Robin will slowly ease his way out of the nest, thinking that is the gentlest way for everybody.
'I'm never one for a slow death – I need to find a cleaner way out for him.' Bat thinks to himself as he now walks away.
'He always knows how to make me feel like the most awful human being – correction -scum of the earth' turning to his R-cycle, nursing his sunken heart.
The night wind gently pushes all the hurt and battered layers weighing onRobin's chafed heart away as his soul, the brightest of his whole being, tries to shine through the dark decadence of the similarly battered layers of the city quickly encroaching around him. The city, unfortunately, is stagnant and is too thickly entangled for any fresh change to blast through and provide new light into its already darkened soul.
'Funny, the only way out of Wayne Manor is through this damned city' Robin assesses.
(end of flashback)
Another memory has slipped into his consciousness as he successfully applies the new aerial spin drop.
'Grayson, concentrate.' he quips to himself.
He heightens his senses to his surroundings to keep his mind focused on the now as he takes more dangerous moves to keep his mind from wandering. The darkness of his city, he warms to this thought - yes, his city not Bat's, engulfs him and he sees the shuffling of shadows, of hidden activities, of evil.
His mind drifts again but ever so slightly for him to be unaware, he focuses harmlessly on his abilities, that brings him to questions about his capabilities and his confidence, which end on his leadership.
(reflection)
The shadows have now transformed into ghosts and he feels the death all around him in this hell world - his hell world. All this started simply enough as an opportunity for adventure, independence, friendships and pride. Then as leader of each new team that looked to him not only for their success but also for their survival, he saw the world not as new and exciting anymore but corrupt and dangerous at every turn.
The leadership role gave way to responsibility, duty and consequences. Every minor decision carries life-long effects that he could not see far enough to know how they play out.
He realizes there are games that play for keeps and the stakes are drawn to the finish. Lives are inconsequential and the result final. Death existed even for his 'invincible' teams.
(end of reflection)
'These distractions have to be better contained', he admonishes himself, 'I need stronger discipline.'
'I have too many ghosts.' His mind now again wanders as he glides off the 30 story building and spins around the cable pole. 'Ghosts...', he somberly moans as he swings off the side of the building and falls onto the neighboring building twenty feet away.
(reflection)
'I should have been smarter and in control. Instead, I let my personal get in the way of my professional. I should have never left them alone; I should have been better, quicker, smarter.'
(end of reflection)
He raises his arms to soar through the alleyway as he whips through the fire escape rails and flips onto ledges and lands just enough to balance on the wires to jump once more to the next ledge as he pushes harder, fiercer than the previous move. Each time climbing higher and higher as he approaches the skyscrapers of the financial district. His actions become more reckless, more dangerous, more daring than the next as he taunts death, mocks death, rages at death.
With that, the memory instigating his rash behaviour emerges…his memory of Her. His heart is heavy in his chest as he remembers that awful night - that night, she was gone -taken away from him. I could not even accept her...her leaving, could not say her name at the funeral. Afraid to make it real.
'I should have...'he reflects mournfully, '...died...that day. Not. Her.' His head numbs at the thought.
He now drops from the 100 story tower soon feeling the wind rush against his face and staring blankly at the black abyss of the cold pavement below.
Halfway down, another kinder memory rushes into his mind like a cool breeze bringing him back to that fateful night that sent Her to him.
He smiles briefly at this recollection, 'For someone so quiet and gentle, she sure has guts'.
He smiles instinctively as he relishes in that memory, their first real encounter. 'I had just dropped out of college and, at 19, was contemplating my direction-less life...'
(flashback) In Grayson's (as Robin now Nightwing) Bedchamber
Only she could come into a hormonally-charged, half-dressed guy's room in the middle of the night descending as a beautiful, cloaked goddess of mystery that any boy's best night dreams can conjure just to squash those bad thoughts out and instead drag me out of bed to join her in the sole purpose of saving the world. She was all business. She didn't even flinch at the awkward, compromising position she placed us in. That's how seriously wrapped up she was in her mission to recruit us all.
Oh, Raven! She had to be the most beautiful angel I had ever seen. What a vision - and those legs. Ok, she couldn't keep me from thinking those thoughts.
(He releases a chuckle) I can only imagine what Alfred might have construed if he found me half-dressed with a girl in my room in the middle of the night. Only Her. Only Raven could turn that situation into an inspirational call to save the world. She'd probably get Alfred to make some tea.
Seeing that energy she exhibited inspired me. I thought here is my chance to have my exciting adventure and get the girl as I left Wayne Manor that evening with high hopes. I could see Bruce's (Batman) surprise as I passed him in his study as he looked up at me from his nightly reading.
"Where are you going?"Bruce asked.
"Out, don't wait up." I said to him confidently.
Outside that night, I could feel the change she would have in my life as I looked up in the evening sky and witnessed her raven soul-self for the first time, 'Wow. Amazing.'
(end of flashback)
He raised his hand with the grappling hook and barely had enough time to glide to the next building as he feels his boots graze the asphalt.
'Unfortunately, she just never gave me the time of day. If only I knew then what I know now. The tremendous burden she carried would not allow her to think in that manner. Not yet at least. I was stupid. A guy. In denial at the reality before me. Not until that damn Forrester, did I realize how much she really meant to me. How I should have persisted...'
He slices like a dagger into a spiral-kick landing into a low, creeping spin to an upward jump landing on a crouch position above an edifice. Eying the city lights that reflect the busy sections of the young financial area, he allows himself to ponder further.
(reflection)
Instead, I settled for someone - anyone, Starfire- who would just want to be with me. I took the easy road; or at the time, what I thought as easy as we both satisfied our needs for touch, for care, just anything to feel alive. That would not be the basis for a strong, lasting future together. We both are different people, different to our core.
My conservative, pacifist, contemplative character is disgusting to her. How many times has she defied me, mocked me, humiliated me among my peers for my beliefs. Her blood-thirsty, open, shallow nature is appalling to me. I could not accept her free nature and have tried to apply my conservative ideals on her until she became a husk of her former personality - so low of self-esteem.
I just couldn't be with her unless I changed her to my vision of what I wanted, needed, respected.
In the end, we both became unhappy as we hated who we became.
Deep down I knew that these changes had ultimately harmed us, hurt us.
(end of reflection)
He lands on the rooftop of a building on the outskirts of the city, watching suburbia, cradled within the valley, sleep peacefully.
'In truth, if I remain true to my ideals, I'd want my life partner to be respectable, dignified and pacifist - like...Raven.
I have never really forgotten her - sure, I denied the feelings, frightened at how much Raven really meant to me. Yeah, the guy who's stares death in the face is afraid of his feelings.
Each time I tried to protect my heart from Her, Raven would do something more amazing and admirable that would grip me in even tighter, yet again. She truly took my breath away. Her heart, Her perseverance, Her femininity, Her calm dignity, Her unwavering love for her friends, Her sacrifices, Her aura (her warm aura) - but my heart, my poor heart. I cannot deny the truth any longer. My heart will always belong to Her...oh, Ra-'
He can smell the salty air as he nears the city's wharfs and feels the exhaustion his body threatens on him.
Surprised he has not fallen into a daze upon remembering Her and worried that he doesn't remember how he got here, he jumps onto the docks and walks to the rails as he stares at the lone lighthouse beaming its light through the foggy shores providing hope and guidance to the lost, tired ship captains.
He grips the rusty, cold rails as his breath catches.
'The pain. So unbearable at times,I tried everything to forget,to keep working, to findcomfort anywhere, with anyone. But, nothing will take away the pain. Nothing,' as he bows his head and the rain drizzles down the tears that he still could not shed - to shed them would mean he would have to accept. He could not even think it - just barely managingtoaccept -the last day he would see Her, feel Her, be inspired by Her.
'Raven, my Raven.' as the reality sears into his mind, his heart, his whole beingthat still won't accept as he struggles to hold himselfagainst the rails.
'I will always love you. Only you, my Raven', he whispers into the ocean air that brings in a new wind. A wind of change that draws this into its embrace and leaves a lonely soul searching for his lost love.