AN: Well, it's late at night again, and my trusty Redbull shots will pull me through. Has anyone tried any Amp? It's got Mountain Dew in it? Green bottle? Pretty good stuff. Better tasting than redbull. But Redbull seems to have more just be psychological too. Well, the real point of this AN was:
I WILL NOT BE UPDATING FOR A WHILE.
Unfortunately, I have two camps I will be attending soon (I leave on July 15). I get back Aug 1. If I have internet access, I'll definitely try to update. On the other hand, if I don't have internet access, I promise I'll write 2-3 chapters and have them up by Aug 2 (gotta give me time to breathe :sees readers brandishing makeshift weapons, backs into corner: Okay. Fine. ASAP…No rest for the weary). Sorry for the inconvenience!
Disclaimer: The author of this 'story', hereinafter the 'fanfiction,' does not own the characters from which the fanfiction draws its characters. The aforementioned author does own the plot. Full extent of the law will be sought for violators and plagiarists of intellectual property rights, aka the 'fanfiction.'
When You Can't Let Go
Chapter 5: My Past
Breakfast was good despite the fact that the rice was a little overdone.
More like charred, I thought to myself. Oh well, Father always taught me to "never dwell too much on the past." I'll take his advice on this one.
But, I could still taste the blackened bits of rice sticking to the roof of my mouth and I doubted my tongue would gain its taste back by lunch.
If only Soujiro hadn't accepted my help…
"Kaoru, breakfast was especially good today. Arigatou for helping me." Soujiro smiled as we walked towards the dojo.
"Ah, it was nothing Soujiro…Ano, I'm afraid I ruined the rice though…Gomen." I saw a brief flicker of some emotion in Soujiro's eyes before he answered.
"It wasn't bad...In fact, I believe you improve every time you cook!" Soujiro ended with an almost convincing smile. I knew what that emotion in his eyes was now.
Horror.
I'd seen it before, especially from Kenshin.
"You sound like Kenshin now, Soujiro! He's always telling me that my cooking is getting better 'slowly but surely'…somehow, his encouragement doesn't outweigh Yahiko and Sano's comments." Now I was feeling rather gloomy about the whole cooking issue.
"True, Kaoru. But I, Seta Soujiro, would never lie to you. Your cooking is improving." He looked at me seriously. I laughed and waved my hands in a joking gesture.
"I appreciate that, Soujiro." Soujiro smiled…then again, when doesn't he?
…..
We reached the dojo and got two shinai from the rack. Kaoru and I began stretching and warming up a little. I always loved teaching with her, I got to see a side of Kaoru that was different yet still true to herself.
Her navy hakama and white gi didn't accentuate anything, but they certainly matched who she was. Kaoru was never in her element more than when she had a bokken and a class.
I try not to lie to myself. As a swordsman I must always be truthful with myself, especially with my skills and my opponents skills, otherwise I might make a wrong move. So last night when I was thinking about us, as in Kaoru and me, I decided a few things.
One: We match, but we don't. She smiles because she's genuinely happy, I smile because I've trained myself to be that way. We match because everyone knows what emotions they can predict from us. For Kaoru, that's whatever is storming in her blue eyes; for me, it's happiness-I have no other emotions.
Or so I thought.
Two: She knows how to heal. Kaoru healed the Battousai, and she's healing me now. Any day now, I'm not going to be able to walk away from her. Ever.
Well. That's enough emotions for me now.
"Kaoru, why don't we spar before the students get here? I believe that we have at least fifteen minutes." I asked her, masking the hopefulness I felt behind my usual smile.
"Sure, Soujiro. Ready?" With a ferocious cry, she leapt at me, shinai above her head and positioned for a downward strike. Very powerful, but I'm too fast for that.
"Ack! Soujiro! Don't DO that!" Kaoru angrily screeched as I grabbed the shinai and ran a circle around her, causing her to almost topple over.
Miffed, Kaoru informed me, "If you don't take this seriously, I won't spar you!"
The glint in her eye told me differently, she was upset she let herself get off balance, not because I improvised.
"Gomen, Kaoru. Why don't we try that again?" With a widened smile, I raised my shinai and stood in a defensive position. Tilting my head spurred her into a flurry of strikes.
"Sou-ji-ro, you-are, hold-ing, back!" Kaoru was very astute. Her statement came with precise attacks with each syllable. I jumped back from the engagement area.
"Well, Kaoru. Do you not want me to hold back at all?" Kaoru eyed me suspiciously, I could tell what she thinking. Defiantly, she tossed her head.
"Do I look that weak, Soujiro? I'm ready." She stood in a neutral position that would allow her to switch to defense or offense with a slight adjustment. Kaoru was a smart fighter.
I started to bounce, tapping my left foot on the dojo's polished wooden floor. Images of the fight with Kenshin flashed through my mind. Tone it down, she's not like Kenshin. I thought to myself….but it was tempting to give into the instinctive Tenken within me. I haven't fought this way since Shishio-sama died. Maybe a little won't hurt, I can control myself. After all, I'm the strong one in this fight, I don't have to hurt her. The reasoning made sense then.
"Alright, Kaoru. I won't hold back." The staccato beat of my foot sped up and soon I was moving faster than any human eyes could comprehend. Somehow I managed to avoid creating small craters where my foot hit the floor, but I didn't avoid hitting Kaoru on the arm. (AN: In the RK series, when Soujiro fights Kenshin he runs so fast and his legs are so powerful that he creates small holes/craters where his feet land.)
Her pained cry brought me out of my reversion to the Tenken. I took one look at my broken shinai and ran quickly over to the collapsed shinhandai.
Kaoru had already pulled up her sleeve and was grimacing as she prodded her red forearm. I inwardly frowned, worried about the damage I had unintentionally inflicted on her.
"Kaoru! I'm so sorry! Can you forgive me?" I held her arm gently and examined it. It was broken. The immediate swelling and bruising made it an obvious.
Kaoru glared at me. "Of course I can forgive you! But…." She gave me a devious grin. "You, Seta-san" she annunciated carefully, "must tell me where you learned to be so amazing. In fact, you can tell me now. I think I'm going to take a break today. Yahiko can teach." She removed her injured arm from my hands and stood, picking up her shinai with her good arm.
After she had put her practice sword away, she came over and scrutinized mine. If the look in her fiery blue eyes was anything to go by, she was upset. "And after you finish telling me your story, Seta-san, you can find a way to replace this broken shinai!" I almost winced at her second usage of my formal name, it sounded wrong coming from Kaoru.
Glaring menacingly at me, I only smiled sheepishly.
Perhaps the sheepish didn't show, but I felt it on the inside.
…..
"Kaoru!" Kenshin and Yahiko yelled simultaneously, their eyes bulging at the sight of Kaoru's battered arm.
It had taken on hideous shades of green, black, and blue.
"Kaoru, are you alright?" Kenshin tenderly inspected her. "Can you move your arm?"
"I can move it some, but it hurts. I think it's broken." Kenshin stiffened a fraction. His amber eyes immediately pinned Soujiro to the spot.
"Ah, Kenshin. It was my fault. I'm sorry, Kaoru." Soujiro's smile didn't waver as he moved towards Kaoru and moved next to Kenshin. "We should splint your arm, and then have a doctor look at it."
"Yahiko, you're going to have to teach the classes for me today. We don't have any advanced classes so you don't have to worry."
"Sure, busu." Yahiko lacked the conviction he usually possessed. Concern was etched into forehead as he screwed up his face, which peered over Kenshin and Soujiro's shoulders looking at Kaoru's arm.
"Kenshin," Kaoru began.
"Yes, Kaoru?" Kenshin asked instantly. Kaoru chuckled a little.
"Don't worry, Kenshin! You're so uptight, it's not a bad break, I can tell. See how my skin isn't cool or pale? That means nothing was pinched by a bone being out of place, and my joints don't feel loose, and my arm isn't locked out…Anyway. What I meant to say was, could you possibly go get Gensai-sensei or Megumi-san?" Kaoru announced all this with a calm disposition, never betraying the slight tinge of youthful fear in her eyes.
"If need be, I'll retrieve both. Hang on Kaoru, I'll be back soon." Kenshin stated seriously as he rose and placed his swords at his sides. Opening the shoji door, the redhead briskly closed the door and his receding footsteps left the two raven haired cobalt eyed teens alone.
"Soujiro, could you please get me the medical box from that self?" Gesturing towards a low-lying self, Soujiro quickly picked it from its place and set it by Kaoru. Opening the lid, he saw an assortment of first aid essentials; what caught his eye was the wood for a splint and cloth to wrap the arm.
"You seem prepared, Kaoru. Do you, by chance, have experience with broken arms?" The boy asked as he removed the splint materials from the medical box.
"Yes, broken arms like this occur quite a bit, especially in the intermediate classes. The students are very strong by then but are still making form and execution mistakes, which usually ends up with someone hitting someone else's arm. I've broken three arms in my career. Not my arms though." Kaoru said with a smile.
"This is the first time you've broken an arm? I've never broken an arm either, but there have been a few unfortunate fingers…" Kaoru laughed at Soujiro's statement and the unspoken and unconcerned mirth at his misfortune in his glittering indigo eyes.
"Ha, yes, I can commiserate with the fingers. What I don't understand about the arms though…" Her ponytailed head shook as she gazed downward.
"What don't you understand, Kaoru?"
"I don't understand why people cry." Bringing the direction of her gaze back up from her arm, she made eye contact with Soujiro and smiled at the way his eyes slightly widened and he laughed.
"People are not as strong as you, Kaoru, that's why." Kaoru merely shrugged with a smile, and continued to help Soujiro splint her arm.
…..
I could tell they were still talking about Kaoru's arm. Kuso! That idiot hit her too hard! He should've known how to restrain himself. Kami-sama, I swear if I get ahold of him…
I attacked the laundry I was doing with more fervor as I imagine violent and painful ways to demonstrate to the Tenken the importance of protecting Kaoru.
Good grief. You just can't trust anybody to do anything right these days. At least he had splinted her arm adequately enough, it was the least the baka could do.
Megumi had come over and told Soujiro he had done it correctly and it was all that we could do for her now. She left some ointments to soothe the pain and medicine to take orally to soothe the pain-Kaoru insisted she didn't need it. Soujiro had said, "Oh, Kaoru. You're very brave."
I frowned.
Kaoru this, Kaoru that. I have to shut him up for good, soon. It's not that I hate the Tenken, it's just the possessive nature in me realizes that I would protect Kaoru more than he ever could hope to. I'd also known her longer.
I knew she loved me, I just never reciprocated, always keeping my distance. The truth was, I feared that I would endanger her; but now I see that being with her would allow me to protect her more.
Now that I admitted those feelings, thanks to the old lady and the release of the weak Rurouni, the only question remaining was: Does she still feel that way?
I'm a bit worried because Kaoru had begun to treat the Tenken in the same manner that she used to treat the Rurouni. When exactly had her feelings for the Rurouni changed from kindness to something a little, no-a lot, more?
I quieted my splashing and slowly kneaded the clothes in the water basin.
"Kaoru, so would you like me to tell you about my past now? That was your condition, correct? I broke your arm and now I must repay you with information you should have known long ago."
I perked my ears a little more. This will be interesting.
…..
I noticed Soujiro's smile fade a little.
"Kaoru, so would you like me to tell you about my past now? That was your condition, correct? I broke your arm and now I must repay you with information you should have known long ago."
His dark blue eyes pierced mine and I merely nodded, hypnotized by the depth in them.
"Okay, Kaoru." He took a breath. The deep sea blue of his gaze prevented me from saying anything, so I just listened.
I'd admitted to myself that Soujiro was attractive, very kind, and a talented swordsman-but in that second he paused before beginning his story told me volumes of his character. I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with this man…well, he was only a year older than me, but 18 is a man, ne?
I observed Soujiro's profile as he started.
"At the end of the revolution, when the Battousai disappeared from Kyoto, a shadow assassin replaced him; Shishio Makoto. His skills were as great as his predecessor's; they had to be if he was to carry out Battousai's work. After a great deal of killings in the name of the Meiji Government-he was sentenced to death by his employers. The government sent men who shot Shishio-san several times and then lit his body with fire. Somehow, Shishio-san managed to escaped; but not totally intact."
I felt my eyes widen as I listened to Soujiro. Could this be the same Shishio that Kenshin had fought? It had to be…all the bits of information I knew from Kenshin's fight with Shishio were coming together. But what does Shishio have to do with Soujiro?
Soujiro paused and continued. "His body sustained massive burns everywhere, and its temperature actually rose and caused him to operate a higher heat than any human should have been able to handle. Because of this, he wore bandages all over his body. This is part of how I met Shishio-san." Soujiro's eyes became cloudy and his fists clenched a little, despite this he continued to smile-albeit absentmindedly. Looking at the ground, Soujiro continued his story.
"I grew up in a family with an adoptive family. They weren't a family. I can't call them that." Soujiro's smile faltered and immediately righted itself.
"They would beat me. I was their slave. Everyday I had to haul heavy bales of rice to the barn and when I didn't complete 100 bales a day, I was forced to sleep outside. Needless to say, the majority of my time was spent outside. One night, I heard screaming. Being the young and naive child I was, I ran to the source of the pain. Standing there was Shishio-san, and I saw him kill several policemen before he noticed me. He was going to kill me because I had seen his crime. I was so frightened, but I smiled. I couldn't do anything else, because I had trained myself to blot out all emotions but happiness. When I smiled, they wouldn't beat me as bad as when I cried and begged for mercy.
"Shishio-san leveled his sword at me, and I started laughing. In the middle of the night a young boy, surrounded by dead men with a murderer moments away form killing him, was laughing. I remember he stopped, and asked me if I was happy to die. However, before I could answer, he said 'I changed my mind. Give me food and bandages and I'll let you live.' So, I brought him to the barn and let him stay there." Soujiro traced circles around his knuckles inattentively. I couldn't tell what his eyes looked like now, his bangs were hiding them.
"I'm not sure how long it was after I took him in, but one day he gave me his wakizashi and he told me that the strong lived…and the weak died. A few days after that my brother took his katana and sliced open a bale of rice I had dropped. Father was furious, and he beat me. That night, they discovered all the bandages were gone. Everything just piled up, and all of my family grew enraged. They were going to kill me, so I ran. I hid under the house, where-coincidentally- I had also hidden the wakizashi. One of the brothers found me…he was going to kill me…so I killed him first. I came out from under the house, everyone thought that he had killed me. They were shocked to find me alive and extremely upset I had killed one of their own. Before I knew what was happening, all of their bodies were on the ground and the rain was pouring. The blade of the sword was dripping a blood so red I'll never forget it."
I reached out as Soujiro's voice dropped. Placing my hand of the uninjured arm on his, I silently encouraged him. Poor Soujiro, such a hard life. Makes me appreciate having my family, no matter how shortly.
"Shishio-san came out. 'Are you crying?' he asked me. I said no. And I smiled. Together we left, he told me he would make me strong-second only to him. I never looked back. Years later, Shishio-san had collected a group of ten elite swordsmen, the Juppongatana. I was his right hand man and the best swordsman in this group; my name was Soujiro no Tenken."
My hand tightened its hold on him, I knew what was coming. You've fought Kenshin, haven't you?
"I fought Himura-san. I was going to kill him, yet something within me stopped me everytime. I kept making mistakes or missing even though I knew I could execute the moves perfectly. In the end the façade I always carried, devoid of emotion besides a constant smile, broke and something- a conscious, my lost soul, whatever you want to call it- something broke my barrier and I couldn't fight. I lost the battle. Himura-san told me that the winner isn't always right because he's the stronger one. It was really a shock for me. I'd been taught since I was young that the strong are right and will feed on the weak; that's the way life worked. So, I began to wander like Himura-san and I searched for my own answers." Soujiro shrugged and looked at me, his eyes reflecting a deep pain. I immediately grabbed him and pulled him into a hug, ignoring the pain shooting up my broken arm.
"Oh, Soujiro. I'm sorry." I whispered into his black hair which tickled my skin as I moved my lips.
"And you know what, Kaoru? When Shishio-san asked me if I was crying, I lied. Inside, I was crying. Kaoru….I didn't want to kill them. I didn't want to kill anyone." His voice was rough with unspoken emotions. I held him tighter with my intact arm.
"It's alright Soujiro. I don't care about your past! You're not evil, I know this." I gently stroked his hair, enjoying the feeling of his smooth locks run through my fingers.
Despite all his confessions, Soujiro still smiled at me without shedding a tear. He has a true quiet strength…
…..
She held me, and I marveled at the softness of her embrace despite its potency. It wasn't the reaction I had expected. But how could I have expected less from Kaoru?
Kaoru is the most compassionate and forgiving soul out there.
I briefly wondered if she noticed how I addressed Himura and Shishio-sama on the same level in my narrative when I usually just called Himura-san "Kenshin" and Shishio-san "Shishio-sama"…I had figured that she didn't need to know how deep loyalties ran. Maybe another day. But this was enough for quite a while.
Emotions were never my forte, and this was almost a sensory overload. Kaoru's hug, the feelings swirling inside of me because of her and my memories.
I knew the Battousai was listening. I wonder what he thought of her hugging me.
…..
She told him exactly what she told me.
"I don't care about your past!"
Kaoru has the same passion for defending him…My heart clenched at the thought of losing her.
I'd come too far to lose her now. She was…Kaoru was everything. She made my sins worthwhile!
If someone like her could live now, then there was hope for this Meiji era, despite the foundation of death and pain it was built over…it gave me hope. My life as a hitokiri had meaning thanks to her.
I won't lose her.
…..
Only about two more days of walking and I'd arrive in Tokyo. I'll need to do some surveillance for a day or two from there…
I have a plan that'll lure the Battousai out of the dojo.
Quite brilliant in fact.
Once I found out Saitoh Hajime's urge to 'settle' the score with the redhead since the Bakumatsu, all I needed was some time.
Opportunities are abundant; patience is the only thing you need to find them.
………………………………………………………………………………………………
AN: Well, I gave you longer than usual chapter to compensate for me being gone for a while. I ran out of Redbull so I had to hijack some Pepsi. Hope you enjoyed it!
This chapter is also not beta'd yet because I was in a rush to get it out before I left.