I dedicate this one-shot to the season of giving, and those who have sacrificed for the ones they love.
If there are a lot of typos, I'm sorry, but when I finally finished this, I was ten minutes away from leaving for New York. I hope you can forgive me for that. Anyways, please enjoy, and please leave responses.
Baby Golden Eyes
She was never part of the bad, only the good in his life. That was the problem, wasn't it? She was just too damn nice. Still, the prospect that she could very well leave at any time now was enough to keep the hanyou playing along. Rest assured, were the Shikon no Tama not completed, he wouldn't give a second thought to hiding up here in Goshinboku until this 'holiday' died down.
Inuyasha sighed. For all he knew, Kagome could leave tomorrow and never come back.
Naraku was gone, and in the frost of winter, the group suddenly found themselves with nowhere left to travel, and no shelter. If that bastard was good for one thing, it had to be that he had kept them so occupied since the quest began. The cold was bitter, colder than Inuyasha remembered. But he could only assume that after hunkering down with a bunch of humans and little youkai for so long, he had lost his tolerance for the cold. Were it a couple years ago, he would be treading through the snow, no problem. No… Were it a couple years ago, he would still be stuck to this tree.
As had become almost instinctive with the passing of their time together, his fingers lifted to grasp the rosary of flimsy beads. Scratched, stained, worn… they still worked much to his disappointment. How they continued to withstand the barrage of sitting, he had no idea. 'But maybe,' he thought as he leaned his head against the hard bark, 'They're still here because Kagome is still here.'
A deep sigh escaped him, one he usually reserved for when Kagome had left through the well. 'When she leaves me, will she take the rosary with her?'
He couldn't say he would be sad to be rid of that wretched necklace. However, it did represent the connection between him and the young girl, something he couldn't very well put aside. His eyes trailed off to the path leading for the village. He could smell her. She was coming closer. Coming for him, to drag him off to this 'holiday' of hers. He smirked and shook his head lightly, 'Since when does she need to give me any presents?'
After all, she had in fact given him more than he could ever hope for. Hope, friends, courage, chivalry… And she had received in return neither more nor less than his heart.
She no doubt didn't know.
"Inuyasha!"
'Right on time,' he smiled, 'If this will indulge the wench…'
"Osuwari!"
"Gaah!"
As the dust settled, she approached his twitching form and kneeled next to him. He looked out at one side, his cheek still smushed against the ground. "What the hell was that for?"
"For being gone at a time like this," She giggled and grabbed onto his arm to pull him up, "and so I could get you down without hassle."
"Keh. Of all the stupid, obnoxious…"
"Hurry," she exclaimed as she all but threw herself on his back, "Time's a-wastin'."
He still growled but left the sitting alone as he proceeded to dash back to the village. When they arrived, the others were waiting diligently inside the hut. As soon as Inuyasha, Kagome, and Shippou entered the hut, the kitsune looked more than a little irritated. "Where have you been, baka? It's time for the presents."
"Yes, I know! I know, already!" He barked, "Now shut up or I leave you out in the snow tonight."
"Inuyasha… He'd freeze."
"Like I'd care. And you of all people… those weird pants of yours are so thin, your legs must be turning blue."
"They're fine, Inuyasha. Stop worrying about my legs."
"Keh," he scoffed, and thought, 'They'd better be. I like those legs.'
As they sat around the fire, he watched with curiosity as Kagome unloaded oddly colored packages. But to his astonishment, Sango, Miroku, and Shippou pulled out packages as well. Not as nicely decorated as Kagome's, but still unmistakable as presents. "Wha-what the hell is this? Why do you have presents, too?"
"Kagome-sama told us about this present exchange some time ago. Why, did she not tell you?" Miroku asked.
"She told me about the presents! Nothing about an exchange!" Inuyasha yelled.
"What's your problem, Inuyasha?
He crossed his arms and pouted, "I don't have any presents to give."
Kagome blinked, "Um… I'm… sorry, Inuyasha. I just didn't think you'd be in a giving mood. It's okay though. As long as I can still give you presents…"
"Keh!"
"Okay, first, I have a present for you, Sango-chan," she held out a blue box, "Open it."
………………………………………………………………………………………………
A winter hat for Sango, a scarf for Miroku, mittens for little Shippou. All knitted by Kagome herself. All except one. But that which remained for Inuyasha… did more than just touch him. It also hurt him, for reasons he could not understand, in ways he did not understand, and which he still did not want to disappear no matter how much they hurt him.
As the others continued to exchange their gifts, Inuyasha quietly let himself out. The nippy air was a shock to his warmed body, and he stuffed his hands tightly in his haori as he wandered to the last patch of grass located beneath a nearby tree. He stood leaning against the body of the tree as he stared long and hard into the horizon.
If she hadn't imprinted herself in his mind and heart, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard right now. Every step became more burdened with the passage of time. Every cold embrace of her absence ate away at him more and more. The never-ending upward motion of loss. Through all their days side by side, a part of him really assumed that they would be together forever. Call it naïve, but was it so hard to believe, given the girl's nature? It was a dream, one well-founded, but a dream… nonetheless. Whatever changes he had hoped would stay permanently with him…
Why had the fates given him more of a wishbone than a backbone?
The hand that held Tetsusaiga lifted up as his gaze fell down. He allowed the sleeves to fall off his hands and wrist. There is was, Kagome's gift, shining at him. Far simpler than the knitted gifts Kagome had given the others, his gift seemed all the more important. To protect him, she had said. It had been given to her years ago by her father, almost just before he died. She told Inuyasha that if he kept it always around his neck or his wrist, then their friendship would always protect him. The charm bracelet was long. Long enough to be clipped around his neck or be wrapped around his wrist a few times much like Miroku's prayer beads. She even suggested that he could put it on top of the hilt of Tetsusaiga.
He grimaced inwardly, though didn't have the will to actually do it. What exactly was her plan? Leave him with something of hers so that he would be haunted by memories of her for the rest of his years? 'Why would a hanyou want a damn charm bracelet, anyway?'
When Kagome left, perhaps only the items wrapped around him would remain. The damned rosary, possibly, and the locket, and this long charm bracelet. Of course he had not the wits to reject her gift then, but he couldn't do it now either. He wanted to forget her, and yet… he never wanted to… not at all. He worried that all the charms would do was remind him of what he had lost. The poor hanyou didn't know if he was truly ready for that.
He eyed the gift with guarded curiosity. It was silver. The objects serving as charms seemed to him to be completely random objects. A shoe, a ribbon, a flower, a dolphin, a dragonfly… whatever. What caught his eye more than anything was the one that Kagome herself had added to the stringed collection. This charm, quite fittingly, was a small dog of gold.
"Inuyasha?"
His ears perked up, though he did not turn his head. Odd, that he was too caught up to smell her approach. He didn't try to look at her as she stood by his side, far too close than comfortable, and as she linked arms with him, his cheeks turned pink. "What are you doing out here? The others want to give you presents as well."
"I don't need them," he was quick to reply.
She gulped, "And the bracelet?"
He hesitated, gaze lingering on the silvery chain and golden dog charm before he spoke, "Keh! It'll do."
The young miko smiled. Even when he didn't see her, he could feel her doing it. It always saturated the air when she smiled. The shades of anguish threatening him always faded into something brighter with her joys. Something with a light he couldn't see, yet still warmed his insides.
For minutes more, there stared at the frozen world encircling them. Never had a winter been so beautiful, and still so deathly cold. Kagome seemed to pay it no mind, but Inuyasha just had to consider if she would ever prefer this world to the indoor heating she got in her own time.
Kagome spoke again, "Inuyasha…… There's… something else I wanted to give you."
"Oh, no, you don't. I already need to get you something now. I can't be bothered with two."
"You don't need to get me anything. And what I have for you is far more important than just a silly gift. Please…"
"What is it?"
He heard her breathe loud and deep, and could smell the tension around her. It unsettled him, to think she was uneasy around him. If there was something wrong, didn't she know he would do anything to help her? Didn't she know he would go to the ends of the earth to keep her safe? He vaguely heard the rustle of her clothing, but didn't give it much thought. And sooner than he was ready, the Shikon no Tama was staring him in the face, lying in the pale palm of Kagome. Bright, pink, and wicked… it was far too beautiful to ever be trusted. Yet it was the one thing that led the path to no more fear.
But it was wrong.
Inuyasha finally glanced up to his right, to Kagome. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. He didn't understand why. But she smiled in front of her worry, "I've never trusted anyone as much as I trust you. I know you'll take care of it. Whatever your wish will be, I know it'll be a good one. I know I'll be proud of you either way."
Cursed hands and heart, they fought with each other with a vengeance. It tore him up inside, to feel that his body was already falling apart under this kindness. No way was he deserving of it. She would be proud of him either way? How could she, when he didn't even have respect for himself?
Slowly, his charmed hand rose. The cold fingers grazed her arm, her wrist, her thumb, causing her to shiver. His callused knuckles nuzzled hers before he let his hand hover over the jewel. Gently, he closed down on the jewel, and intertwined his fingers with hers, thereby locking the jewel in between. The sight of her hand in his nearly drove him off the edge. He wanted to… needed to say something.
"Kagome…"
A loud crash shook the ground and broke the moment. Miko and hanyou looked towards the west at the horizon of trees that fell, closer and closer. Thinking fast, Inuyasha grabbed the jewel from Kagome and placed it inside his pocket. Just in time, for the youkai he could smell emerged from the trees, eyes red with lust for the infamous jewel. "Shikon no Tama," the dragon youkai growled, "Mine…"
Kagome gasped as Inuyasha stepped directly in front of her, blocking her sight of the youkai. 'What? Why is he still protecting me? I already gave the jewel to him.'
"Keh! In your dreams. Let's see how well that body of yours stands up to my Tetsusaiga."
"Hanyou, give it to me now, and I'll kill the girl quickly."
She could faintly hear him growling, "Your scales are mine, temee."
Faster than she could comprehend, Inuyasha raced off, throwing back a quick "stay safe" over his shoulder. She nearly started forward, but remembering now that she had left her bow and arrows in the cottage, she halted fast.
"Kagome-chan!" Sango hollered as she exited the hut along with the others, "What's going on?"
"That dragon-youkai. He wants the Shikon no Tama. You guys… Inuyasha has it now. What if it gets taken from him?"
"Don't worry, Kagome-sama," Miroku replied, "About time we got some exercise."
A transformed Kirara was the first to charge, followed quickly by Miroku and Sango. Shippou leapt into Kagome's arms, and they both watched as their friends gave the blows.
The power of Kaze-no-Kizu ripped through the air time and time again, each time failing to break the skin. The large scales on the youkai were too hard to break through. The hanyou needed to find a weak spot. The results were the same for Sango's Hirakotsu and Miroku's staff. All it managed to do was give the dragon youkai a clear shot at them. Fire spewed from his mouth, his large tail whipped through the air hard and fast. Inuyasha fell to the ground and quickly covered his face with his fire-rat clothes as the fire came for him. He emerged to Kagome's relief unharmed.
Tetsusaiga glimmered in the flames of the enemy. Even this powerful weapon couldn't break through. He needed to try something else. Anything else. "Kagome, get your arrows!"
For a moment, she was stunned at the request. Stunned that he trusted her powers more than his precious Tetsusaiga. By the time she regained her senses, the youkai began to show signs of panic. "No! I will not have a damn miko interfering!"
He looked like he was about to swing his tail at the girl, but stopped as Inuyasha leapt for his face. Though the hanyou knew by now that the sword wouldn't hurt him, it would at least distract the beast until Kagome could shoot the arrow. The dragon-youkai's panic all but confirmed it. If Kagome's arrow hit him, he would be purified and destroyed.
Kagome ran as fast as her feet could carry her to the hut just yards away. The dragon-youkai snarled, "I won't let you get away!"
Inuyasha smirked proudly and spoke softly enough for only his opponent to hear, "She'll be able to purify you for sure."
"Out of my way, hanyou!" the youkai screamed, and his claw shot out.
Thinking fast for the safety of Kagome, Inuyasha acted on instinct and swung once again, "KAZE NO KIZU!"
Kagome emerged just then, arrow cocked in the bow. She gasped lightly as she saw something she never would have expected. The power of the Kaze no Kizu… was frozen in mid air. It hovered between the youkai's claw. Suddenly, it erupted. Kagome only saw the flames of the Kaze no Kizu shoot out, first knocking Inuyasha to the ground, then coming directly towards her. She let out a scream and released her arrow just as the flames approached her. The frightened miko didn't see the arrow pierce the enemy, nor how he shattered into countless pieces. All she saw was the light of the Kaze no Kizu, and then nothing at all.
Inuyasha watched in horror as Kagome's body was thrown through the air like a rag-doll, and for the first time in his life felt his slaughtered pride give way. "KAGOME!"
He didn't take notice of their victory. He dashed as fast as he could to her side. The charm bracelet rattled as his arms frantically pushed against air and time to get to her body. Unconscious, bruised, but still breathing… Her faint breaths on the wind were the only comfort to him now. "Kagome!"
He scooped her into his arms. Her body was hot from the heat of the flames. Her clothes were singed in many places. The hanyou put an ear to her chest and found the steady beat of her heart. Despite his strength both emotionally and physically, Inuyasha felt sure he might cry. Before he could get the chance, he pressed his eyes into her hair. The feel of it, the scent of it, calmed him in a way nothing else ever could. No scent of death upon her, and for that he was more than grateful. But whether or not she was seriously injured may only be answered if she would wake. He shook her gently, "Kagome… wake up…"
No answer, nor movement. He shuddered. He gulped air. He whispered, "Please…"
"Kagome-chan!" called Sango.
The exterminator, Miroku, and Shippou arrived within moments. They knelt next to her, only to receive a growl from Inuyasha. He tugged her slightly out of their reach. They looked confused for a moment before realizing at once that Kagome did need the air to breathe. Miroku spoke up, "Inuyasha, is she alright?"
Inuyasha forced back a grimace at the question that was also eating away at him. He sighed in frustration, "I don't know. She's breathing. She isn't dying from what I can smell. Let's just hope everything's alright with her when she wakes up."
Sango opened her mouth to speak, but closed it as Inuyasha stood with the young girl in his arms and made his way to the hut. They followed behind, mindful not to crowd the hanyou.
As gently as possible, Inuyasha laid Kagome on the futon, then proceeded with a quick check inspection of her body, in case there were broken bones. To his relief, he could find none, just a few scratches, but he could never be truly assured of her condition until she woke up. He kneeled beside her and Shippou rounded to the other side. "Why did the youkai attack Kagome? She's just a human after all."
No one saw Inuyasha bow his head. Miroku explained, "Well, she is a powerful miko. Any youkai can sense that. He was no doubt worried that she would purify him. And that, she did, brave girl that she is."
Without Kaede anywhere nearby, the exterminator had to take the initiative. Sango approached with Kagome's first aid kit. "Inuyasha, will you let me?"
His friend's voice brought him out of his trance and he quickly nodded his head. Inuyasha stepped away and pulled the kitsune along with him so Sango could do her work.
………………………………………………………………………………………………
It had been an hour, and Kagome still hadn't woken up. No one was saying it, but they were all worried about the length of her silence. Still, it made since that she needed to rest. It was a miracle in itself that she had survived the Kaze no Kizu. But nothing could put Inuyasha at ease. Just by looking at him, they could see that he was tense. It would be better for all of them if the stress could somehow be lifted.
Miroku sat across the room, staring aimlessly into the burning fire. His brow was focused, his grip on his staff tight, when all he was really doing was thinking of how he could either wake up his friend or comfort the other. Sango sat near Kagome, occasionally replacing the cold compress and reapplying healing ointments to her small wounds. Inuyasha sat opposite Miroku, staring either into space or at the sleeping miko. Shippou sat next to Inuyasha, his knees tucked under his chin. The little one was more than desperate to break the silence. Every once in a while, he would ask Inuyasha when Kagome would wake up. Each time, Inuyasha would just sigh and turn his cheek. Shippou knew that Inuyasha didn't know, but he wanted to here the person closest to Kagome that she would definitely be alright.
The hanyou turned his wrist slowly and let the light of the fire reflect off the medal of his present. He fiddled with it as though he needed to. Perhaps he did, if only to be reminded that the young miko had not only given up the bracelet and the jewel, but possibly her health as well. He tried to tell himself that she would be just fine. From what he could tell, everything would be alright with her. But somehow, it didn't slay his insecurity. That she had survived the blast was a true miracle, so how could he not think that she had to be at least somewhat damaged by the Kaze no Kizu. Anyone else would have at least lost a limb or been burned severely. Inside, he knew there had to be something he was missing. Something still formless hung in the air just out of his reach.
What goaded him even more was that it had been Inuyasha's very own attack that had injured the young miko. He had acted on the purest of instincts, and perhaps far too quickly. The thought that the dragon-youkai might hurt her drove his thoughts over the edge. He had acted irrationally, out of either a strict devotion or a wave of insanity, and had ended up with the guilt of Kagome's condition on his shoulders. Endless what-ifs clouded his thoughts, as though they would save him, or as though they could condemn him. What if he had left her out of the fight? What if he found another way to defeat the youkai? What if the blast of the Kaze no Kizu managed to seriously harm her? What if he lost her?
"Inuyasha!" Sango's voice came in a loud, harsh whisper.
His head up again, first seeing Sango's encouraging face. He looked behind the exterminator to see Kagome stirring. He didn't waste any time. Inuyasha and the others surrounded her bed side within seconds, little Shippou at Kagome's head and Inuyasha kneeling at her feet. They all watched on with hopeful eyes as she scrunched her eyes tightly with a soft grunt, then brought her hands to her face to rub away the numbness that came with sleep. Then, slowly, she opened them, and everyone sighed in relief.
"Thank God, Kagome-sama," Miroku exclaimed, "You really had us worried there."
Sango smiled, "You'll be glad to hear that you destroyed the youkai. Now, how are you feeling?"
No answer.
"Kagome-chan?"
All they heard was Kagome's breathy shutter. The look of fear passed over her face, the look of isolation that they couldn't understand. She came up to a sitting position, and then brought her hands to her face, her body. Was she checking to see if she was still in one piece? Why was her face so vacant of recognition? Miroku reached out a hand, "Kagome-sama?"
When his hand touched her arm, she appeared surprised and ungrateful for the kind gesture, and shook her arm out of his grasp. Her bottom lip quivered, and Inuyasha suddenly sensed the tears building up behind her beautiful brown eyes. The young miko cautiously got to her feet with no objection from the others, but with a strong guardedness that she didn't even seem to notice. Sango and Miroku subconsciously reached their arms out to her, but didn't touch her, and it looked like they were preparing to catch her if she collapsed. She stepped away from them, stopping just two feet away. The mood in the air was thick, so much so that it suffocated them. Whatever haunted dear Kagome, it hung in the air with a crackling malice.
The uncertainty ended with despair even more powerful than the consuming air, as she brought her hands into the space in front of her and move them around, as though tearing down walls. And they all realized it at the same time. Sango gasped lightly as the others' mouths dropped open ever so slightly. The monk brought his beaded hand to his mouth and it wasn't long before Inuyasha could smell the pending tears of Miroku, then Sango, then Shippou.
Her voice was weak as she called out, "Inuyasha… Where is Inuyasha?"
Three faces fell on him, begging him silently. What they wanted of him, he did not know. Perhaps they wanted him to run away and never step near Kagome again. Perhaps they wanted him to take the fall for Kagome's pain. Perhaps they wanted him to for once in his life be gentle. His ears fell flat on his head as he slowly rose from the floor. The delay was too long, and Kagome began to grow more fearful. He heard her heartbeat and breaths increase. How couldn't she be afraid, when she didn't understand where she was or where anything stood in this new invisible world of hers? Inuyasha tried… harder than he ever tried anything before to take those few steps in his direction. They were so burdened, it pained his very blood. There was a time and place where Inuyasha had no obligation to face such fear. Once upon a time, Inuyasha had nothing to prove to anybody, except maybe that he could kill like no other. Without his instinctive violence to hide behind, he felt his heart slowly collapse like the air had the moment Kagome awoke.
"Inuyasha?" She called again, the fear evident in her raspy voice.
Her arms were extended outwards, her fingers desperately pressing into air. With much toil, Inuyasha managed to stand in front of her, but her feared expression never changed. Suddenly, the hanyou could feel something hot pricking inside his eyes, something horrible. He carefully exhaled the breath he had unconsciously been holding, taking care to make her know that she didn't need to be afraid. He stepped forward, stopping just inches from her outstretched hand. With no way to turn away from her, he did the only thing he could do. He touched her hand with his, and pressed her palm into his cheek.
She started slightly, and though he could see she was struggling to meet his gaze, he knew despondently that she wouldn't be able to behind those glazed eyes, behind those now blind eyes.
He murmured to her, "I'm here, Kagome."
Her hand shuttered against his cheek and so he pulled it in closer, silently telling her that he would never let go of her. And all Kagome could understand now was that as she had to be touching him, she couldn't see him, couldn't see anything. Along with everything else, she never would see those beautiful golden eyes again.
It was all she needed to lose herself. She collapsed against him, throwing herself into sobs of hysteria. Inuyasha instantly wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in tightly. Through her woes, he could only hope that she didn't feel him shaking along with her. He bit his lip hard to force back tears. Before he could lose himself in front of everyone, he nodded towards the door. They wanted to protest, but a very harsh look told them that he might attack if they didn't obey him right now. They slipped out of the hut slightly as Kagome's wails filled the air.
Inuyasha was the only thing keeping her from falling. Feeling her slipping, he eventually slid down to the floor and kept her in his lap. He rested his chin on her forehead and rubbed his cheek into her hairline, the only method he could think of that might make her sadness go away. It didn't do anything. He ran his hands through her hair and rubbed his palms along her back. The cries wouldn't stop, though her back muscles did relax slightly after many minutes. She mumbled his name in agony, a sound that tore at his insides. He tried to hush her cries, but soon felt too guilty afterwards. She had ever right to cry… but if only it didn't shatter his heart.
After running through every comforting gesture he could think of, Inuyasha began to grow restless of the pain. He was out of ideas. Every memory of his mother's ways had failed in soothing the young miko in his arms. He looked around in all directions, trying to find to help, and came back with nothing. He looked down at her face, at her quivering mouth, and brought a finger to the corner of her lips as though it could stop her. How many times had he yearned for her smile? How many times had he wanted to kiss those lips? He didn't, but settled for the forehead, and pressed his lips into her hairline. He breathed normally through her hair, till after many agonizing minutes, her sobs hushed. Tears still ran unheaded down her cheeks, but at least she finally spoke to him. "Inuyasha, why is this happening? What am I going to do?"
He shut his eyes and tried to force comfort into her through his embrace. "Kagome, it'll be okay. I promise it will be."
"How can it possibly be okay?" She sobbed.
"Just… go to sleep, okay. You'll feel better about this once you've slept it off."
The words may have been somewhat harsh, but the tone did tell her that he cared. Still, she cried, "I am blind, and you want me to sleep? No! I want to see again, Inuyasha!"
"Kagome…"
"I want to see again! Please don't make me close my eyes! Please!"
He gave in. "Okay… You don't have to sleep again. Just… please don't cry anymore. I promise I'll take care of you, okay. Everything will be fine."
As hard as he tried to keep his cool, Kagome couldn't help but feel like he was exaggerating the truth for her benefit. "It'll never be okay."
"Yes, it will. Kagome… I'll never leave you. I promise. Please… trust me."
She gulped for breath and whispered, "You won't ever leave me? Even if I'm blind and useless? Even if I can never even look at you again?"
"I'll never leave you, Kagome."
She sighed and more tears spilled out. He wiped them away with his fingers. "Do you need anything?"
"Outside… I want to go outside."
"Are you sure you want to do that, Kagome?"
"Yes… please."
He didn't protest. He started to pick her up, but she stopped him. "No, I want to walk outside myself. Just stay by me, okay?"
"Okay."
He held onto her arm and led her to the door, not once loosening his grip or taking his eyes off of Kagome. He began to wonder if she would ever look at him like she used to when she couldn't even see him anymore. He began to wonder if a smile would ever light up her face and her glazed eyes. The hanyou pushed back the beads and they both stepped out into the world. The coldness of winter brushed her face and whipped her hair around. The magnificent of winter mocked her. If only she could see her beautiful valley again.
Inuyasha quickly smelled more tears approaching, and wrapped an arm around her waist to keep them from coming. It seemed to do the trick… for now. "Kagome-chan," Sango called guardedly.
They both turned towards Sango, but only Inuyasha was able to see the pained looks of his friends. Sango approached carefully, asking with her eyes if it was alright to touch her. Inuyasha nodded, but warned her with his gaze to be gentle. Kagome called out, "Sango-chan. Are you here?"
The exterminator took her hands into her own and squeezed them. "Kagome-chan, it'll be okay. Everything will be okay."
"Oh, Sango-chan," she hugged her friend tightly.
……………………………………………………………………………………………
An entire two weeks passed, and Inuyasha's mood hadn't changed. Perhaps Kagome was doing a little better, but Inuyasha was nowhere near recovery. Kagome was coping as best as she could. The others were more than willing to help her get around. Everyone was kind and gentle, and refused to fight while she was in earshot. In fact, whenever Miroku and Sango had trouble with the monk's little groping problem, she would drag him many yards away before slapping the living daylights out of him. Everything was going fine, as he had promised… at least with everyone else. Naturally, Inuyasha couldn't shake the feeling that Kagome's blindness was entirely his fault, and that he deserved no friendship from the girl who held his heart.
The attack was his, the Kaze no Kizu. It had been carelessness on his part to pull Kagome into such a fight. A huge part of him knew at that battle that Kagome was no weakling, and he took pride in befriending a miko of such strength. Though he had kept her out of countless battles, he didn't doubt for a moment that she could fight by his side. It was no weakness of Kagome that led to her loss of sight. It was the loss of rationality on Inuyasha's part that had done the trick.
He sat in Goshinboku, as he always did when he felt uneasy, and thought of his promise. It had taken nearly every ounce of courage in him to say something so sentimental. To him, of course it was obvious. How could he ever leave her when he needed her so? But these were the feelings that he had kept from the world. It was amazing that he was willing to make that promise.
But that wasn't what bothered him. It wasn't what he said that bothered him. It was what he didn't say. He may have told her that he would never abandon her, but he never told her why. He never told her how her very presence shook him to the core. How she broke him down until revealing the pearl that was his heart. It bothered him more than it should have. That she didn't know how he felt should have been a comfort. However, after causing her to lose her sight, didn't he owe her his unrequited devotion? He may not have deserved her after what he did, but Kagome certainly deserved the world, including a pathetic hanyou's love.
As he starred into the waves of winter over the landscape, he remembered the way Kagome's eyes sparkled when she laughed. She always had that knowing look about her. She could push his buttons like no one else, all with a glance. The way she looked at him… he never did feel so alive. If only she had the chance to see what her gaze did to him. If only she could see the love that flowed through his eyes. Then maybe she would understand, really understand why the idea of letting her go was enough to bring him to his knees. Now, all he had to make her understand was his voice, and three words that refused to be told.
"Inuyasha?"
He was startled at the sound of her voice. His hanyou ears perked up as he glanced down to find her walking towards Goshinboku. With an aggravated scowl, he jumped to the ground, and crossed his arms, not realizing she wouldn't notice it. "Why in the hell are you walking out here by yourself? You could have been killed."
She smiled and steadied herself against the base of the tree, some feet away from him. "I'm sure I'll manage."
"Keh."
She kneeled against the stump until she fell into a sitting position, and tilted her head upwards to feel the breeze on her neck. "Inuyasha?"
"What?" he asked in aggravation.
"It really is amazing to feel the wind, you know. Even though it always has been invisible to me, I don't think I ever really felt it till two weeks ago."
Inuyasha glanced at her as his ears narrowed, "Kagome?"
She shook her head and bowed in slight embarrassment, "Sorry… I was just thinking out loud."
Kagome had managed to catch his attention. It worried him more and more when she was quiet, because he knew she had to be thinking. He never bothered to ask what she was thinking about, for it had to be about how different life would be without her eyes to guide her. He didn't blame her. He didn't know what he would do without his sight. But if maybe… just maybe… she was doubtful of his loyalty…
Inuyasha sat down in front of her and contented himself to her scent. He looked at her face, pale and resplendent, and couldn't bear to look away. Her ebony hair lit up in the warmth of a bright winter day. It was all too enchanting, too enticing for him to put words to. All there was in this invisible world, in this invisible space between their hearts was the story of a thousand lifetimes, of what could be if he had the strength to chance it. Inuyasha didn't know if he could take another rejection, and not from her. Not from someone so beautiful inside and out that he could not look away from her.
He opened his mouth, and then shut it, struggling to say the unspeakable three words. He couldn't, no matter how much he wanted to. She deserved it, but he didn't… Not at all. His eyes searched her vacant face for an answer to his woes, finding none. It frightened him that she couldn't see him breaking down underneath the stress. He didn't think he ever felt so alone in his life. If only she could look at him that way again… But he couldn't.
Unexpectedly, the thought gave him some comfort. No, she could never see him again, but he could always see her. It didn't matter that she had lost her sight. He would stay by her side forever. She had his love, his heart, his soul. Inuyasha refused to have it back.
"Inuyasha?"
"Hm?"
"Give me your hand."
He hesitated a few seconds before reaching out to her. She ran her hands up his arm until she reached the wrist, and smiled when she brushed the charm bracelet. "You're still wearing it."
He smiled into her face, knowing she wouldn't be able to see his eyes light up. She went on, "I'm glad. I want you to promise me something else, Inuyasha. Promise me you'll never take this off."
Although he didn't understand why, he didn't even consider refusing her. "I promise."
She decided to explain anyway, "It's just that… I want to always know that you're safe, even if I can't see you."
That insistent prickling came back to his eyes again. Almost instinctively, his free hand grasped the locket around his neck.
Kagome made a small sound of surprise as something slipped over her head and around her neck. She ran her hand down a metal chain until she ended on a locket… Inuyasha's locket. "Inuyasha?"
He smiled weakly, "For all this time, this locket has protected me. Now, it will protect you."
She probably didn't know it, but her gaze fell on his. Inside, he saw her universe, the one that he was forbidden from entering. There were time when he thought he might venture inside, but a part of him always kept him behind. Whether that part of him had died or just stayed at bay now, the prickling of his eyes brought him closer to her in search of comfort.
"Inuyasha…"
"Kagome…"
They spoke each other's names in unison. They closed their mouths fast. Fast all to fast, Inuyasha felt the heat of her breath on his skin, of her arm on his cheek. How they managed to become so close, he would never know. It didn't matter. All that mattered was Kagome.
"Kagome-chan," Sango called.
Inuyasha had to force down a deep growl. Kagome sighed, "She's probably worried about me going off like that. I should get back to her."
Inuyasha let her up and watched as she faded away into the forest with her friend.
………………………………………………………………………………………………
It was still late morning, and Inuyasha realized that the group had nothing to do but wait around. Not like they had anywhere to be now that Naraku was gone. But it had taken a dragon youkai just a few weeks early to prove to him that they would never be out of danger. He stood and walked down the path that he always took, the one that comforted him most. The winter felt so wonderful on his skin, and he felt alive. It was moments like this that calmed his wild spirit. The winter was as dead as his past, and it reminded him of the darkness that had been overcome with the arrival of Kagome and his new friends. He walked through the forest aimlessly, fiddling with the charm bracelet, with the golden dog.
He stopped on a small hill and let the breeze blow in and out of his haori. He felt as though his senses had heightened in the past few weeks, and how now did he cherish the time alone to breathe. As always, his thoughts came back to Kagome, and he sighed. Six times now had he tried to tell her how he felt, and six times had he failed.
She may have been blind, but she was still amazing to him. She still moved him in ways that no one else could. He didn't mind at all walking with her wherever she went, though he knew she didn't really need it as much as she thought she did.
'If I didn't need her, then maybe… but I can't.'
He sighed deeply, 'She deserves so much better, and I… I would give anything to have her look at me and know the truth. I just want her to have what she deserves, but there's nothing I can do. Why can't I accept that?'
Ever since the incident, something had been calling him. He didn't know what it was. It said 'use me, use me', but he had no clue what he was being told to do. His mind was restless with unworded thoughts, and it agonized him to the point where he couldn't sleep. Thoughts of Kagome invaded him, but pushed him to do something, though not truly saying what. And if that weren't enough, her smiling face continued to haunt his every breath with or without her beguiling presence.
He looked at the bracelet on one arm and shoved his other arm into his pocket. Long and hard, he stared at the charms. Kagome's protection… as though he was the one needing protection. He would keep her safe no matter what threatened her, but he didn't know if he could stand strong like her. She could take care of herself, and he… he would be lost without her. He would be lost if she couldn't somehow know that he loved her. He closed his eyes and said out loud the first words that came to mind, "I wish I could make her see again."
He hadn't realized that his hand had grasped the jewel in his pocket until it erupted into pink light.
Inuyasha gasped and tried to pull away from the light that came from his clothes. So powerful he never singed his skin off his hands, but he found it somehow impossible to drag his arms away, as though he was being sucked into a black hole. He inhaled raggedly as he tried to do anything, even if it meant screaming for help. The pain hurt far too much. But before he could fall to the ground, the pain was suddenly over. Before he had the chance to fight against it, she appeared before him. Dressed in battle armor and decorated with medals of victory, he knew her right away. "Midoriko…"
The pink light dimmed around her, and she seemed more like a living person than someone long since dead. Her hair was dark and her skin was white, however, her features were wholly different from any other woman in Japan. They had said it was because of her victory, or because of her elegance with such power flowing through her veins. And her beauty was ancient, worn but nevertheless enchanting. She smiled sweetly, "I never would have thought that a hanyou would be wishing me out of the jewel with something so pure."
It was all so sudden, he didn't know how to react. "I… What…"
"The young miko you care for… you wish to help her. That is why I am here."
"Midoriko…" he looked on in wonder, "How are you alive?"
"Oh, I'm not. But if you'll recall, my soul was trapped within the jewel. Only a pure wish could possibly release me. For one reason or another, the souls of Shikon except your wish."
"Wish?"
"Did you know say that you wish to help the girl to see again?"
"I… uh…" he hesitated not out of indecisiveness, but out of worry as to whether or not he could trust that this was the real Midoriko.
She sighed, "Perhaps I am mistaken then, for I see in you a much darker desire. The lust for full demonic blood and power, the most tainted of wishes."
Flashes of violence outbursts passed before him seemingly by force, and he retaliated verbally. "You have no right to judge me!"
"Do you mean to tell me what you don't desire this power?"
No answer. She went on, "I can sense it from you. So then, am I to believe that you've had a change of heart? Has a hanyou grown soft for a 'pathetic' human?"
The way she had said it, it sounded like she was speaking from Kagome's mind itself. It made him all the more frustrated, "Who are you to say what a hanyou does and doesn't feel? You know nothing about me!"
"Then, you have had a change of heart?" She questioned.
He hesitated, then bowed his head in shame. "It isn't that my heart has changed. I… still want to be a full-youkai. But… it feels like there's just more space now, for something else, someone else."
She stepped closer to him and dipped her head to catch his gaze. "You do realize, Inuyasha-sama, that there can not be both. Either you chose to help yourself or you chose to help your friend."
Inuyasha sighed and drooped his ears, "I know that."
A huge part of him was afraid to ask, but at the risk of not knowing… "If I chose to help her, what would I need to do?"
"That is an even biggest test of the strength of your heart. I'm sorry to say that you won't just give up the opportunities to make your powers stronger. You will also lose the power of a hanyou. You see, nothing can be given without taking something away. If you want Kagome to see again… you must give up your own sight."
He looked up in amazement. "What?"
"It is the only way. The wish cannot be granted without this sacrifice," she sighed and relaxed her shoulders, "Now the question remembers obvious. Which will you chose? If you still want your dark fate, then you have the opportunity to take it, but I give you this second chance… because I believe that despite all the darkness in your past, there is some lightness too. I see there is one memory in you that has broken through the shadows of your tormented soul, and that memory, the girl, is all I can see between your eyes."
Inuyasha looked away. Here was the opportunity he had been waiting for since he had first met Kagome. For what felt like a lifetime, his final goal had been to turn into a full youkai, so he could put behind his petty feelings. Suddenly, they didn't seem so petty. They felt powerful. Powerful enough to tare him apart inside and yet sow him back together at the same time. Covered in lies of his past, taunts and jeers from the world, had there even been a possibility of hesitation before Kagome? Something strong told him… not at all. After his tradegy, he had come to believe that love wasn't about happiness. It was about suffering, about compromise and stubborn fights, about fighting to keep alive what you thought was right. It was what he always fought for when he thought of Kikyou, when he dedicated himself to keeping her honor intact.
Love was anger, love was fear, love was compromise, and love was squabbling and naïveté,.
His eyes flashed open. Anger, fear, compromise, the fights and his silly ideals. These were all the things… that ruled his love with Kagome, not Kikyo. They fought and fought, they cowered away from a world that sought to separate and harm them, they kept and broke promises, and kept believing stupidly that somehow it had to work out for the best, because they couldn't bear to let it be anything worse that wonderful. His love for Kagome, his passion of passions; all along he had been wishing for her instead of Kikyo. All along he had been praying for Kagome when he had sacrificed his life for Kikyo.
'……… Sacrifice… No, it wasn't Kikyo. Somehow it… it was always Kagome. It… still is Kagome," and a determined look crossed his face, 'And it always will be Kagome.'
Midoriko noticed the chance of color in his features, "You have made your decision."
He took a deep breath, let his eyes scan the world around him. The world which would soon be lost to him. He would soon take Kagome's place in his empty world. But unlike Kagome, he would live in peace to know that Kagome got the life she always deserved. She would live her life as she was meant to, and she would be happy, even if he was felt out of her life forever. He blinked and looked to the miko in adoration for her words of encouragement and for the wish she had to grant.
His voice was as soft as a cloud, and as kind as Midoriko knew him to be. "Whatever it takes to make her see like she used to, then you must do it. I wish… I wish that I could sacrifice my gift of sight, so that she can open her eyes and see the world that loves her… so that she can see the hanyou that does and always will… love her."
Another blinding light erupted, and he prepared himself for more pain. But it never came. He lowered his defensive arms to see Midoriko smiling triumphantly and peaceful. When she had his full attention, she put her palm to his face and closed his eyes with her fingers. He excepted it nervously, and waited for his eyes to be taken. And moments later, he felt her hand move of his faith, and felt the warmth of the light fade away once again. But he dared not open his eyes. He didn't know how frightening it would be. Perhaps if he could hold it off, then he might feel okay about it.
"Open your eyes, Inuyasha-sama."
As though out of instinct, Inuyasha opened his eyes. To his complete surprise, he could see. He put his hands to his face and expected the pnenomenon to change, but the vision remained. "What is this? I thought you said that you were taking my sight."
"See for yourself," she produced a mirror in front of him.
He looked inside the small glass to find that his eyes were no longer a sultry gold, but now a smokey black, his human eyes beneath his hanyou hair. "What the…"
"You said that whatever it took, then I should do it. Well, it took whatever was needed for a normal human's sight. Being a hanyou, your sight naturally more advanced. However, you'll find now that your vision is equal to that of a human."
Though under normal circumstances, he would have been furious at this news, at the moment he couldn't be more thrilled. "You mean, I get to keep my sight?"
"Not as powerful as before, but yes. You'll still be able to see. And now that my soul is freed, I will finally be able to rest," her body was already starting to fade away.
She was somewhat transparent in the light, getting more faded by the minute. And before she faded away into nothingness, her feather-soft voice came to him one last time. "Somehow, I knew that the pureness in you could never die."
He took a step forward, wishing to thank her, but she was already gone faster than he could have guessed. He looked around with his human-like eyes. It would be an adjustment, but as long as he could see…
"Inuyasha!"
The hanyou sprung around with a gasp as a familiar young miko came bursting through the brush and into the clearing. Her soft pants reached his ears and his heart skipped, but what took his breath away even more was seeing how her chin turned up… and her eyes met directly with his. Those eyes… the eyes that shaded him from even the harshness of his breath, the embraced him even in the darkest times… now looking into his soul as though she could claim it. The many stars that twinkled behind her upcoming tears added insight to his deed. Now, he could see her universe, he could see a star to reach for.
He would smell her hesitation, her fear, and it disturbed him. He walked forward, just a few steps, and then stopped. It was his way to encourage her to take her half of the way, to let her know that she need not fear when he would help her through her worries. Her pause lasted long enough, and she slowly took her soft steps towards him. The forest sang as she came closer and as Inuyasha fought the urge to run away. His face he held tight for fear that the hot sensation behind his eyes might give way to something more. His eyes… his human eyes…
Kagome came to a halt just a few feet in front of him. The power of her emotions seemed a physical thing to him, and when a single tear fell onto her cheek, poor Inuyasha couldn't hold himself back. He reached out a hand and wiped the drop away, her malleable features enticing him all the more. He wanted to do something, something he knew was crazy. He pulled his hand away, but she caught it in her hand, never once taking her eyes away from his. With her opposite hand, she reached towards his face. He shuddered for but a moment as she cupped his cheek, touched his forehead, traced her fingers on his brow. More tears slipped out as she spoke, "It was you, wasn't it? You gave up your youkai eyes for me? Why?"
He didn't answer, couldn't answer. His instincts and experiences told him to back away and run away, but the promise of a human heart kept him at bay. He didn't know whether it was a gift or a curse. But the thought of leaving Kagome's close proximity, of leaving her gaze, was all too unimaginable.
She took in a ragged breath and smiled sweetly, making him forget his insecurities, "Was this my Christmas present, Inuyasha?"
Somehow, one way or another, his hand found his way to her cheeks. He erased the traces of her salty tears and then cupped her cheek tenderly. For but a moment, her gaze faltered and fell to the imposing hand, then came back to recapture his now black eyes. He tried his best, and formed a weak smile, shook his head, and said, "No, but… this is."
Following himself into the unknown abyss, he pressed his lips against hers, tenderly, but with a tender passion. She almost instantly responded to his utter delight, and wrapped her arms around him as he did her. Their cold lips suddenly exploded into a fire they didn't know how to contain. In the dead of winter, a new life surrounded them until they just had to feel whole again, until they overflowed with each other. The kiss escalated as their lips parted against each other, and they sampled each other's warmth. His hand came up to support her neck, and though the action imprisoned her, it also saved her. She would have fallen were he not there.
Their kisses begot an odd realization of their hearts. Every broken piece of their hearts could be mended, if only they had each other to hold onto. Their harsh fantasies meant nothing in place of their magnanimous reality. There were things in the world that took place over the memories, things that need only a brave step. In the holiday season, sacrifice… his sacrifice… reflected back with a treasure of his own. His Kagome, who could finally see what really chained him to her for all time. Not obligation, but want and need.
When the kiss broke, she lost all control of her tears. Her fingers gripped his haori and she buried her face into his neck, mumbling, "Why do you care? Why do you take care of me so well?"
His exhale caressed her ear. Inuyasha had rested his head on hers. She jumped a little as his hand found hers. He pulled it up to his face and kissed her palm sweetly. And then the charms on his wrist jingles as she grazed them, he whispered into her ear, "Because since long ago, you always have for me."
And that was the greatest treasure of all.
THE END
Whew! That took a reeeeaaaally long time to write. Since it's coming out the day after Christmas, I would like you all to remember now when you spend time with your new gifts that there is no better good in the world than sacrificing anything… possessions, time, power, etc… for the ones you love. Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanza, Happy Solstice, Happy Holidays to all!