Hello all! This is a valiant attempt at a comedy by The Spiffinator. I'm also trying to make a love interest for Sirius that is neither a Mary-Sue, nor friends with Lily. Please tell me if I've succeeded in a review!

Also, each chapter (and I really intend to finish this one) will be named after the line from an Alanis Morisette song called Princes Familiar. Several of the lines fit this story, which is why I'm using them. They're not necessarily in order of the way they go in the song, though. Each chapter begins with a quote from the song, in italics.

Disclaimer: The only thing I own here is Alize.

Please be tapped into your femininity

Alize Faustine lounged lazily in the Gryffindor common room. She should be studying, she should be writing that Charms essay, she should be doing a thousand things, and yet here she was, draped across a couch, prodding a quill with her wand in a feeble attempt to turn it scarlet.

Alize was a seventh year Gryffindor girl. She was always down here, in the commons, because she simply couldn't stand it up in her dormitory. The girls were too girly. They were always talking about pimple-curing potions, magical remedies for breaking a nail, and the best color stilettos to match that particular pink miniskirt. Well, she was generalizing, they weren't all like that. Lily Evans and her friend, Alice Prewett, certainly weren't, but they were far too nice for Alize. They seemed too compassionate, too friendly, and they made Alize feel guilty for not being just as nice as they were. So, she ignored them, justlike she ignored all her problems.

Alize wasn't like them or the rest of the seventh years. Alize, first off, was two metres tall. She was very athletic, and extremely strong. The girls wore grey pleated skirts with their Hogwarts uniforms, but in first year, Alize had shown up in a pair of the tan slacks that the boys wore. No one said a word after a challenging stare from her, not even the professors. Once, back in third year, an attractive Gryffindor boy whose nameshe had forgottenhad asked her to Hogsmeade.

She supposed he was out of the hospital wing by now.

Alize's appearance, other than her height, was quite pretty, which was why the poor fellow had asked her in the first place. At her mother's pleas, Alize had let her chocolate brown hair grow to about her shoulders. It was, she supposed, her end of the unspoken bargain they'd made about the slacks. Alize also had almond-shaped hazel eyes that leaned more towards green than brown. Her skin was a gorgeous olive, and had she been a slight bit more approachable, she would have been the female equivalent of Sirius Black.

Speaking of Sirius Black, his overly loud voice was drifting down the stairs that came from the men's dormitories. Alize turned her head slowly, just in time to see Remus Lupin, James Potter, and Peter Pettigrew forcing Sirius down the stairs. The four of them were the best of friends, always playing pranks. At first, Alize had found them quite funny. One day, however, Sirius had been stupid enough to charm her hair pink. Since then, she had done all she could to piss him off, which seemed to be quite a lot. Unfortunately, he knew all of the right buttons to push to piss her off too, and so they were the banes of each other's existences.

As soon as she caught sight of the boy being drug down the stairs, she threw back her head and let out a great shout of laughter. Probably a direct result of losing some bet, Sirius was wearing a bright pink tutu, and his hair was pinned up in a lovely little bow. James' girlfriend, Lily, was chasing after the boys with a brush and a few more bows; the hairstyle was obviously her handiwork and Alize would have to compliment her later. Sirius glared daggers at all his friends, and when he saw that Alize was among the laughing Gryffindors, his scowl grew bigger, knowing that she'd take the mickey out of him for this later.

"Come on, Padfoot, smile pretty now!" called Remus, as Lily handed him a tube of bright red lipstick. Sirius shouted in protest at this. "For the love of Merlin, no! Not LIPSTICK! That was NOT in the bargain!" Peter shook his head. "Padfoot, you said that if you couldn't get McGonagall to curse at you that we could dress you up however we wanted, and you failed. We chose ballerina. Now, listen to Moony and smile pretty!" Sirius put on a huge fake smile and flipped a rude hand gesture at his friends.

The Gryffindors laughed louder. Alize felt that this was her time to throw salt into the wound, and rose from her chair. "Come on, now, Black. You are a ballerina, give us a little show, won't you, darling? How about a dance and a rousing chorus of 'I feel pretty'?" Instead of letting her get the best of him, Sirius smirked and replied, "Only if you do it with me, Faustine." Alize didn't even show her surprise, but instead grinned mischievously and replied, "All right then, but only if you hold your skirts. Wouldn't want you to trip, Miss Black."

Remus, James, and Peter let go of their captive friend, and Alize extended her arm. Sirius took it in a ladylike manner, glaring at her, and they began to skip around the common room, singing loudly and off-key.

"I feel pretty, oh-so-pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and briiiiiiiiiight! And I pity, any girl, that isn't me, toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!"

Alize smirked. Even though she was dancing about in the common room with the world's biggest prat, at least she was enjoying herself, and singing about the right gender. He was dressed up in a bloody tutu, with pink frilly bows in his hair and red lipstick all over his face.

'Heh. Black-0, Alize-1,' she thought confidently.