Chapter 28 – A Little Bit of Clarity

The silver tabby sat in the middle of all the chaos. Cats were clamoring everywhere, racing about merrily, chattering about this or that. The Jellicle Ball was coming close, but Munkustrap hardly remembered what with all the recent events that took place. He didn't give a second thought to what the Jellicle Ball would be like without Demeter. But now that she was back and things were getting back to normal, everything started to become lively again. (Or maybe things were already lively, and he just didn't notice.)

"Munkustrap! Munkustrap! Look what I can do!" Etcetera did a little dance twirl Victoria showed her. "What do you think?" she asked, before she even finished. She then did a cute little high kick as her finale before bowing to the silver tom.

"Very nice, Etcetera," said the tabby as he smiled to the kitten. "Are you going to use that in the ball?" The kitten nodded vigorously, nuzzled Munkustrap, then raced off to practice more moves.

He craned his head, looking for a certain queen who he longed to speak with. But she wasn't seen anywhere. He hadn't seen more than a glimpse of her since that night. His heart began racing as he thought about it, as a smile creeped on his face. She had told him what he never thought he'd hear from the shy queen. And now all he had to do was tell her that in return. Then maybe something could happen.

If he could only find her and talk to her! She had become a very hard cat to corner by herself.

For one thing, Demeter had taken to hiding in Jennyanydots' little "recovery center". With the queen watching over them like a hawk, he could never say anything to the blushing queen, who was hardly saying anything to him. What's worse, he barely got to sit and talk to her, as Jennyanydots thought the gold queen was being far too agitated by his presence, and shooed him away. In his frustration, he found himself pacing outside of the car, but when the Gumby Cat caught on, she shooed him away from there, too. And when Demeter was finally deemed fit to walk around and join her fellow Jellicles, she became quite skilled in running away from him, or keeping close to a group of cats.

She learned to stay around a group of cats, as when she was with only one, Munkustrap could easily ask the other cat to leave them alone for a moment. Then when he'd tried to ease her into the conversation, she would try her best to act indifferent, not making eye contact, then excusing herself and racing off when she felt the conversation was getting dangerously close to whatever it was she was avoiding. (And she had become extraordinarily good at hiding…)

The only time he could ever really get close to her was when a loud noise or sudden movement scared her. She would hiss in whatever direction the scare came from and began to shake like a leaf. The first time it had happened, she curled into a ball, shivering, and stating, "They've come for me, they're going to kill me," in front of half the cats in the yard. That time, Munkustrap stood shocked and heartbroken, only able to react after Bombalurina raced over to Demeter, hugged her close and led her away to someplace safe.

There was an incident in which Bombalurina wasn't around, and the delicate queen dove behind Munkustrap, clutching onto his leg, and looking around nervously. Munkustrap looked around, mainly for show, but soon told her that nothing was there to harm her. As she took in a few deep breathes to calm herself down, the silver tabby bent down and put an arm around her, holding her close and comforting her while her sobs stopped and her breathing steadied. And for once, he was glad. Even though he had screwed up to begin with, she had faith in him to protect her, and he felt like she really did trust him.

But after she had regained her senses, and realized who was hugging her, (and what's more, that she was alone with him,) she tried to pull away. But Munkustrap found himself holding onto her. "Wait," he said softly.

"I really have to go," she insisted, putting her paw on his chest to push him away, avoiding eye-contact with him. There was a slight struggle between the two, but when she let out a small terrified squeak, he loosened his grip, and she ran off. Now, he didn't quite know what to think about that. All he wanted to do was hold her and keep her safe, and instead he scared her and ran her off.

It must be exhausting being her…

"Munku!" The silver tabby was brought back to the present by a young tuxedoed tom, racing up to him and smiling. He had long healed from his injuries, and was quite happy to be practicing his dance steps for the Jellicle ball he would actually be able to participate in. (He was too young for the last one.) "Tell me what you think…"

The tabby stared blankly as Mistoffelees showed him a complicated dance step. He began with a bunch of spins, which dissolved gracefully into swirls, high-kicks, and complicated jumps the silver tabby could never dream of pulling off. Each movement looked very exhausting and intricate, but made to look easy at the same time, and absolutely breath-taking. "Well?" he asked afterwards, panting slightly.

"It was interesting," Munkustrap said half-heartedly. (He had other things on his mind…) Mistoffelees frowned and turned to leave. But Munkustrap suddenly had an idea, and grabbed the other tom by his shoulder. "Wait, Misto!"

"Yes?" he asked, a smug smile on his face.

"Listen, I think I have a job for you." The black and white frowned. But Munkustrap pointedly ignored this. He came in close and explained in a low voice, "Listen, you've known Demeter as long as I have…you grew up with her." The tom nodded verification. "She seemed to be doing okay after her…ordeal… Bomba was telling me that she is having nightmares, and sometimes runs off to find those two she brought back here. She won't let me talk to her, she won't tell Bombalurina anything, and Jennyanydots can't get anything out of her."

"Um…" Mistoffelees stammered, obviously confused. "I'm…sorry?"

"Look, you have a pretty good relationship with her, right?" The other tom seemed baffled by this allegation, and didn't seem to know how to answer. "You do, don't you?"

"Well," the tom thought back. "We don't really fight…We aren't really best friends, either. Maybe more friends than with the other cats…"

"Good," Munkustrap said. "I need you to talk to her."

"What?" Mistoffelees asked, baffled. "But you're more friends with her than anyone!"

"She won't talk to me," Munkustrap said again, sadly. "And I can't talk to those twins…I don't think they trust me when it comes to Demeter…Bombalurina is not too fond of them, either," he added as a afterthought. "You have a kind face…"

The other cat frowned at this. "It's the white mask, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess," Munkustrap said, waving off the statement with his paw. "I'd really appreciate it, Misto." Mistoffelees looked around at the other cats he must have thought to be far better than him for a one on one discussion with a queen, let alone Demeter. He only ever really talked to the kittens half the time, even though the queen in question was his age. But Munkustrap hoped he would help. He had a good heart…

"I'll do it," he announced boldly, making the silver tom smile.

Mistoffelees and Demeter sat across from each other in his den. The queen was looking around, somewhat impressed, as she had never been in his den before. The tom was extremely nervous, as evident by his shaking paws. But he tried his best not to show his fear to the queen. Smiling awkwardly, he thought it best to start off casually. "Um…do you want a mouse or something?" He took a tin off a shelf and pulled out a live mouse.

"No, thank you," Demeter said absentmindedly. Taking a deep breath, he put the mouse back in the tin, where it then disappeared. Hopefully, she wouldn't change her mind later, because he wasn't sure he could conjure the mouse up again.

"So…You've been good lately?" he asked, before mentally kicking himself. Of course she wasn't okay...after all she had been through? Of course she wouldn't be okay!

"Yes," she said, pulling off a polite smile, though eyeing the other suspiciously. "And yourself?"

"Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine…" The tom pulled at his collar. Was it getting hot in there? Why was he so nervous, anyways? She was just a queen he never talked to, had just been through an entire ordeal, and was now expected to pour out her inner thoughts and have him somehow heal her. No pressure, none whatsoever…

"Misto?"

"WHAT!" The cat jumped up, fur on end, causing Demeter to fall backwards.

"Everlasting Cat!" she yelled. "You're so jumpy! What's the matter!"

"Nothing! Nothing…what's the matter with you?" he asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

Demeter sighed. "Did Bombalurina ask you to talk to me?" she asked forcefully, eying the frightened cat over.

"No! No, she certainly did not."

"Jenny?"

"No…"

Silence….then… "Munkustrap?"

There was an awkward silence in the room. Then the cat squeaked, "Yes…"

"I'm leaving." Demeter got up and was ready to leave, but Mistoffelees couldn't let her.

"No! Dem, please! Really, we're all worried about you. I mean, you're doing fine and everything, but you're so scared all the time."

"So are you!" she shot back.

"But that's just because I'm quiet, small, and black."

"What does being black have to do with it?"

The tom gaped, positively offended. "Do you know how many times I've nearly been stepped on in the middle of the day in a dark hallway?" he asked indignantly. "You would be nervous too!"

Demeter opened her mouth to say something, but was at a loss for words. She made a face, then admitted, "Well, that would make ANY cat nervous," before sitting back down. The two stared at each other. They then burst into laughter at the same time. "Why are we laughing?" she asked between gasps.

"Because we're weird," said the other, trying to calm his laughing fit. That made the other start laughing more, and for a while, all they could do was…well…laugh. Their nerves had gotten the better of them, it seemed. After all had calmed down, they looked to each other and smiled.

"Thank you, Misto. I needed a good laugh," the queen admitted. She looked at the other cat sadly, then looked away. Mistoffelees' mood changed quickly when he saw how the dark memories were affecting her. "I don't mean to be this way," she said.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he offered. Demeter looked sadly over to Mistoffelees, then back down to her paws.

"I…I don't want to keep hurting them," she confessed. "I can't sleep in the same den as my own sister because I wake up and see her fur, her beautiful red fur, and become scared. She says I wake up screaming. I feel safe around the Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer. I feel like I'm not safe unless I'm with them, even though they had to leave me so many times when we were there… And I hate feeling the way I do. I know 'hate' has been the issue with me lately, but…I really…don't hate them. Any of them. Not even HIM."

"Him?" Mistoffelees asked. "You mean Munkustrap?"

"Why does everyone think I hate him?" Demeter yelled, shooting up from her sitting position.

"I'm sorry!" Mistoffelees said quickly. "I just…he's the only 'him' in your life, really. Except for when we were kittens…then there was…" The tom fell quiet when he realized who she had meant. "But…Demeter…after everything he did to you?"

"He didn't do it, really," Demeter said, looking down at her paws; her nails nearly healed, her paw growing fur again. "It was those cats he associates himself with. And in the end…he really did try to protect me."

"But," Mistoffelees said, confused. "What about when we found you?" Demeter looked off, then down at her paws. She didn't seem comfortable with what she wanted to say. She looked up pleadingly at Mistoffelees. "I promise whatever you tell me, I won't tell anyone."

Demeter took in a deep breath. "I think he's in love with me," she confessed. Mistoffelees couldn't avoid his jaw dropping. Demeter sighed in frustration at this action of his, and went to get up. "I knew this would sound weird! Forget I said anything."

"No, no! I'm sorry," he said, getting up and grabbing her left paw. "Please, tell me, why do you think this?" Almost certain he had ruined his chances, he was surprised when she slowly sat back down.

"He never really hurt me. Even Old Deuteronomy said he always seemed to enjoy my company. And when we were there, though he never talked to me, really…I think he was just glad to have me there. And he didn't want to lose me. I don't know if that's what love is, but…it seemed like he…" She went quiet. Mistoffelees waited for her to continue. He could see her brow creasing at whatever thoughts were plaguing her at the moment. Then, suddenly, she asked, "is that what love is like?"

"What?" Mistoffelees asked, but Demeter didn't want to ask again. Shaking his head, he tried to think back to when he first met his own love interest and found himself falling for her…and how gut-wrenching it was to see her with another tom. "It's not quite like that," he tried to explain. "You feel like you want to be with her all the time…like nothing will fill that void if you lose her. But very few cats take it to Macavity's level. You also have to respect her wishes. You don't try to force her to be with you, and you certainly don't take her to places that would harm her. You never want harm to come to her!" Realizing how passionate he was getting, he stopped himself from saying anymore.

"I feel sorry for him," Demeter admitted, a sad smile coming across her face. "I have been trying so hard to understand why everything happened to me, and why he acted as he did when I ran away…but it ended like this. I'm scared. I don't want to fall in love if THAT is what becomes of it. I don't want to be the object of someone else's affection if all it means is that I'm the one to be hurt in the end. I don't want to become what Macavity became. I just pity him. And I hate myself for it all."

"No, Demeter," Mistoffelees said sadly. He didn't want to hear her say such things. "You can't hate yourself. You didn't do any of this. Not everyone is going to hurt you. Not everyone is Macavity. Look at…Alonzo!" It was the first tom to pop into his head. "He and Cassandra have been on and off again since time began! But they don't hate each other. And Tugger? Well…maybe he's not the best example…he tries to lure the queens to him…and Munkustrap!"

"Munku," she said fondly, smiling slightly at the thought. "He wouldn't hurt me," she said, her eyes glazing over as though she could see the tom right in front of her eyes. "He never has."

"You see!" Mistoffelees said proudly. "He wouldn't want you to hate yourself. And he certainly wouldn't want you pitying Macavity…but…you don't have to tell him that part." Demeter laughed lightly, then smiled sheepishly up to Mistoffelees. "Do you feel better now?" he asked.

"A little," she confessed. "I still don't know how to stop hurting the ones I love, though. I can't stop these feelings, no matter how hard I try."

"Um," at this, the tom was at a loss for words. What wise words of wisdom could he use to fill in this gap? "Uh…" words of wisdom! He prayed they would come to him. "Well… if there is one thing I learned from all the practicing I've been doing, it's this…Sometimes you want to rush something that has to happen naturally. When you work at it at a pace comfortable to you…and let it develop by itself, then you'll one day realize you've perfected it!" After this, Mistoffelees wanted to slap himself. What kind of explanation was that? It wasn't even what he meant to say…

"I see," Demeter said, baffling Mistoffelees. (She understood that?) "It's all part of the healing process, is that what you're saying? I can't wake up tomorrow and expect my past to be behind me?"

"Yes!" Mistoffelees said. Thank the Everlasting Cat she was a smart queen.

"Thank you, Misto," she said, smiling to him as she got up to leave. Mistoffelees got up and, being the gentleman he was, led the queen out of his little den. "Oh, by the way…what exactly is it you've been practicing?"

"Huh?" Mistoffelees asked, dumbfounded. Then he realized he used himself as an exampled and felt the need to mentally kick himself once again. "Oh, uh…You'll see…during the ball! I don't want to…uh…ruin the surprise!" Satisfied with that answer, Demeter nodded, and left the den. The tom then collapsed onto his little bed, thanking the Everlasting Cat that his meeting with the Queen went well. Then he felt proud… Munkustrap could depend on him from now on! And that was quite the thing for a little tom as himself to be proud of.

Demeter felt good about herself as she walked back to her den. This was a good start! She had to begin thinking about what little things she had to do to heal rather than feeling bad about herself. And then, when she was ready, she could find herself being comfortable with the fact that she was in love with Munkustrap (petrifying though the thought may have been.) She would strive for that moment when she could finally allow herself to be vulnerable to whatever his feelings may be. And that would be a remarkable day.

The fur on the back of her neck went up suddenly and she felt the odd feeling of being watched. Quickly, she spun around, hissing at nothing in particular…she was dreaming, this couldn't be real…but this feeling was coming over her, and try as she might, she couldn't dumb it down. When she saw a flash of fur, she herself became a blur and found herself running to a familiar den.

She surprised the occupant inside and clutched onto him as tightly as she could. "He's here! It's Macavity, I know he's here!"

Trying to loosen her grip, Munkustrap took a few painful draws of breath before responding. "It's okay, Demeter. I'll go and check it out. But…can you please…let go? You're kind of hurting me." Demeter loosened her grip, but followed close to the tabby as he carefully walked out of his den and sniffed the air, looking around for any sign of trouble. "You okay?" he asked in a weary voice.

"I…I….I'm fine," she managed to say. "I'm okay."

"Good," the tabby said, stroking the queen on the head. Demeter looked up at the tired tabby, who had probably been stretching himself thin these past few weeks without rest. But he smiled for her, and seemed very welcome to the idea of her holding onto him. And though she knew she was frightened by what he may say, she couldn't bring herself to run this time. (Fear, for one thing, kept her at his side.) But she also liked the feeling of being close and protected…

"Demeter!" The two turned their heads, Demeter letting go of the tom and standing up straight as though she had been caught. Bombalurina popped her head out from around the corner. She looked very relieved to see her sister, ran up to her, and put a paw on her shoulder. "Oh, I'm glad you're alright. Skimbleshanks said he thought he saw Macavity."

"Really?" Munkustrap asked, obviously surprised. He then glanced at Demeter, before looking away quickly.

Demeter processed this for a moment, then frowned, pulling away from the tom and putting her paws on her hips. "What do you mean, 'really?' You didn't believe me?"

"No, no, it's not that!" Munkustrap said quickly, putting his paws up in a defensive manner. "It's just…well…"

At this, Bombalurina laughed slightly. "Did you think she ran up to you just to press against you, Munku?" she asked in a flirty voice. But when Munkustrap seemed to look very embarrassed, the two queens looked at each other. Bombalurina had a knowing grin on her face. She then scooted close to Munkustrap and whispered, "Now would be a good time to lie!"

Demeter, however, was torn between feeling embarrassed and patronized. "I come to you because I'm scared, and you don't even believe me?" she asked, hiding her blushing face. "Bomba, let's go!"

"Wait, Demeter, I--" But Demeter waved her paws, not wanting to hear any more, took her sister and stormed off.

A/N: I had trouble with this chapter. I had a different ending, but it would be too redundant with the next chapter's ending. So it took me a while to fix that. Enjoy, and to all who celebrate it, Happy Thanksgiving! (Try Tofurkey...)

Satin: You loved it? Good! I was sooo nervous about that chapter. I didn't want to make it incredibly corny! You must hate me for this chapter, huh? ((pats you on the head)) there, there!
Demo: I made you cry? Like, really? ((Wonders how she did that...))
TigerLily: Thank you for wishing me goodluck, I needed it, as I sat in Physics class trying to think of how to rework the end...
Enkeli-kitsu: Oh, I'm so glad you pointed that out! I was very proud of the whole pacing scenario. I thought it was good imagery, but no one else commented, and I was a little pouty about it, even though I'm sure the ending took away from their reaction to her pacing back and forth.

The end is coming up upon me fast...just a few more chapters to go! Then I can work on my other ideas...which one, which one?