A/N: Thank you to everyone who's read this! I'm sad that it's over, but now I can devote myself back to Disillusionment after this little sojourn into the holidays. Hope everyone had a merry christmas! Don't let this fic get you down! The ending is purposefully ambiguous. ;)
By the way, to those who've noticed, all the chapter titles are from L'Arc-en-Ciel's Awake album. It ends with New World, one of my favorite songs.
-Sou
Ethereality
soumanyon
Chapter 5 - New World
That evening, when Shuichi finally plodded back to Tatsuha's apartment, he was exhausted and ready to fall into the monk's arms and sleep. Emotions were tiring and he was beat after the catharsis in Hiro's apartment.
But when he peeked his head into Tatsuha's bedroom, there it was again. Tatsuha, his fantasy Yuki, in bed with a brunette.
While Shuichi scrubbed at his eyes in disbelief in the hall, thinking that he had imagined the image, a piercing melodic moan echoed through the apartment and he stopped, smiling wryly. He recognized that moan, incredibly distinctive as it was.
So, it seemed that at least one of them had finally achieved his fantasy.
It was better to have someone than no one at all. But it was best to have that someone. And Shuichi was happy for his ex-lover.
With a strangely light demeanor, Shuichi snuck out of the apartment, packing a bag full of everything of his that he could grab from the apartment without alerting Tatsuha or Ryuichi to his presence. It wasn't hard. The pair were engrossed in each other.
Heading into the cold December night again, Shuichi pulled the collar of his winter coat closer to his throat. It was freezing and there wasn't even any snow to make it worthwhile. But the sky was clouded, so there was some hope. What a pity it'd be to not have any snow on the perfect night for it.
As the people of Tokyo bustled around him with colorful bags in a hurry to get home for the night, Shuichi felt strangely alone. His lover and love of his life had betrayed him. His best friend now hated him, even if he didn't show it, for driving his girlfriend away for the sake of their little fling. Hell, even the man he'd used and let himself be used by to indulge each others' fantasies had finally caught the object of his affection.
And where did all that leave Shuichi? Utterly alone.
The Christmas wreaths twisted around street lamps and twinkling holiday lights seemed to laugh at him. The posters of happy families and couples sauntering down the icy streets in pairs seemed to mock him with their happiness. The holidays were a cruel time when you were alone.
With nowhere to go, Shuichi wandered into the park. Be it nostalgia or cruel irony, he found himself where he had first met Yuki so long ago. He found the park bench nearby and sat down, ignoring the biting cold of the wood and iron. Bored, he rummaged around in his bag for something to entertain himself with and found that he had packed one of Tatsuha's small zippo lighters by accident.
Shrugging, he played with the thing and after a few tries, got a beautiful dancing flame. He stared at it until it winked out. A few more tries and another flame. This time, as he stared at it, he could make out the shape of Yuki's face, how his lover had looked in the passionate kisses that they had shared. Then the flame went out.
Shuichi struggled to get another flame to see Yuki again but when it did flare up, it showed him Yuki, asleep, like that one time he'd fallen on Shuichi exhausted after a deadline.
The night seemed to get colder at the chain of memories that single picture caused. The deadline, the manuscript, the editor.
He flicked the lighter again, hoping to drive the image from his mind. It worked.
He saw Yuki bandaging up his finger after a failed attempt at domesticity.
Another flick and he saw Yuki in his monk robes when he had left to marry Ayaka.
Ayaka…
Another flick to get rid of that memory.
Yuki's sad, caring face as he tended Shuichi after the Aizawa incident.
The flame went out and it was suddenly dark again. The dark seemed to swallow everything whole and it was terrifying. Shuichi picked at the lighter desperately with frozen fingers.
Burst after burst, flare after tiny flare of flame shot into the bitterly cold December night. But they were too small, too lonely and no one noticed.
"With those smoke-illusory fingers, you've merely begun to call out to me.
You're just beginning to notice the days are shining jewels cupped in your hand.
And the world you've longed for has suddenly burned to ash
When I woke up from the countless wishes, you are reflected in a shimmering illusion,
the silhouette whose faint smile leads me along"
fin.