Consolation Prize
In the end, I was a bigger fool then Ryoki. At least, his orders are obeyed by the world. He's got Hatsumi. But the orders I give to myself, I have never been able to follow. I thought that entering the priesthood would redeem me. I thought it would make me forget about her, that her absence in my life, the ties that bound us as family finally cut, would free me from her.
I was wrong. I miss her and I still want her. Nothing will change that. It's too ingrained into my being. I know that I fucked up when it came to her. I should have been more aggressive. I should have stopped being the shoulder she cried on when they hurt her. I should have not played the older brother role I perfected so well to hide my feelings. If I want to lay blame on this entire situation, I probably shouldn't have feelings for her at all. But it's too late for that. Maybe if she never found out, I would still get to see her. We would still talk and not share awkward glances at each other at the wedding rehearsals. I wouldn't have Ryoki glaring at me and every time we actually do talk, have him hovering over her, touching her, like she is some possession he owns.
But…someday, she will grow tired of being the nice girl. She'll snap out of her passive attitude and Ryoki will learn that a relationship isn't based off ordering someone to love you, that a wife is not a servant. She'll walk right past Azusa, who will still be bent on revenge and will ultimately her again, and there I will be. She will choose me because I'm the only one who is willing to change to make her happy. I'm the only one left who hasn't hurt her…
…And that's a good enough consolation prize for not getting to be with her now.