Chapter Three: The Fire Inside
Dawn slipped through the small crack in Buffy's bedroom door, as silent as any mouse. The last few days felt like some kind of sublime dream. None of the events of the past week have felt… Real. It was like she had been watching it all happen to somebody else's family, through a hazy, frost covered window.
Christmas had come and gone. Not that it felt like Christmas. Buffy had barely managed to drag herself home before noon. The holiday was supposed to be full of love and joy and good cheer, but the tension was so thick in their house a chainsaw would have been needed to cut through it. Good cheer and love and joy were in very short supply under their roof.
It wasn't that hard to understand though.
A day earlier Buffy had been kicked out of school for starting a fire in the gymnasium during the Winter Coronation Dance. Then she had jumped out of the car while mom was driving them back from their meeting with Mr. Talson, the high school principal.
The only reason Buffy had put the gymnasium to the torch was because the dance had been full of vampires and it was the only way that Buffy could trap and kill the bloodsucking fiends. At least Buffy had told her the gym was full of vampires, not that she had burned it down, but Dawn was smart enough to get two when she added one and one together.
Buffy had told her Lathos was dead, so she wouldn't have to worry about hordes of minions showing up at the house. She hadn't talked about it, just kind of told her in passing when she had come in last night to say good night. Buffy told her the news in a flat voice that she used when telling Mom and Dad she had gotten all her chores done, not that they actually had chores or anything, but something else that was equally mundane… Like homework. Not that Buffy ever did a lot of homework.
Merrick was dead as well. Buffy was blaming herself for him dying. She hadn't told Dawn that or anything, but the young girl knew it for the truth it was.
There were a lot of things Buffy wasn't talking about. Like were she went Christmas Eve. All she said was she had some thing's she had needed to take care of. After that a stony silence had descended over Buffy and try as she might, Dawn couldn't drag another word out of her older sister.
Buffy had begun keeping everything to herself the last few days and to most people, their parents in particular, didn't even notice the change. Dawn had, maybe because the two of them had become so close in recent months. At times Dawn thought she was the only person Buffy ever talked to anymore, and if she was beginning to shut her out… Isolating herself. Dawn didn't like it. The young girl felt like something really bad was looming on the horizon.
There were a few other odd things she had noted about her Buffy's behavior recently. She had been acting really strange at times, especially around mom, whenever the two of them were in the same room for more then five seconds.
Which wasn't often.
There were also the constant glances of herself she would sneak in the mirror. But that wasn't really that strange since Buffy looked at herself all the time anyway. It was more the way she was looking at herself that Dawn was finding strange. Like she was just seeing her true self for the first time, or was looking for something different and was surprised when she didn't find it. There was the small smile that would creep across her lips when she wasn't thinking about anything, or maybe when she was thinking about one thing to the exclusion of everything else. Once she realized it was there though, it disappeared at the speed of light. A dark scowl would replace it.
Then again, Mom hasn't been acting all that normal either. Of course after the bombshell her and dad had dropped on them a week ago… What did normal have to do with anything?
Divorce.
After being married for eighteen years they were calling it quiets like all those years didn't mean anything to them anymore. Eighteen years was almost twice as long as she had been alive. It was two years longer then Buffy's almost sixteen years.
It felt so weird saying that one word.
Divorce.
It almost made Buffy being a superhero seem right.
Almost, but not quite.
Gliding across her sister's carpeted floor Dawn was extremely grateful she didn't have to worry about getting caught. After taking last night off Buffy was once again out patrolling, making the world, or at least part of Los Angeles, safe from evil bloodsuckers. She wouldn't be back until much, much later.
The other thing she was happy about was that Buffy was once again writing in her diary, after a three week hiatus. From the little she had seen last night it looked like Buffy was writing a small novel.
Without making the slightest sound she pulled open the drawer of Buffy's nightstand and deftly extracted the diary from its hiding place. It didn't take the preteen long to find the beginning of her sister's newest entry.
God, I can't believe it's been so long since my last entry. It doesn't seem like its possible, or like maybe more time should have passed. So much has happened.
Too much.
Three weeks, twenty-one days, fourteen of them I can actually call good. Not really a bad ratio, not until you hear everything that went on.
Put it all in perspective.
Then the balance just doesn't seem to add up.
And all of it, most of it anyway, is my fault.
Merrick, my fault. School, my fault. My parents, my fault. Spike, my fault.
I've got to be the worst daughter, student, slayer in history.
I feel like I'm being pulled in a thousand different directions all at once.
If I was a better daughter I wouldn't be staying out all night. I'd be getting better grades. I'd still be popular. Mom and Dad would still be together.
If I were a better slayer, nothing else would matter.
I'd quite school, run away from home, and live like some circus freak with my watcher, only coming out at night to ritual performance art and listen to the ohhs and the ahhs, the cheers and the jeers from the macabre audience as I do one trick after another, for their amusement, until they all go away, and I can go back to my cage.
Only I can't even do that because my watcher's dead and it's my fault.
The last time I saw him, I was so angry at him. I didn't like something he told me, threatened me with actually, so I stormed off in a huff and didn't go back to him until after the dance was over.
By then it was too late.
He was already dead.
I know, I'm a long way ahead of where I left off the last time. I guess maybe I should probably start from that point. A time when everything was going so good. When life looked perfect and I didn't think anything would be able to destroy my nice, safe little fantasy world that I created for myself.
Everything started off so good.
You remember the last time I wrote anything down was the night before my big date with Spike. Who would imagine that Dawn, that's right, I did write Dawn, the bratty little geek girl that is my sister. Can you believe she actually did me this great favor; I really, really owe her.
There I was dressed up like sex on a stick, and she suggested that maybe I might want to go a little more conservative. I still can't believe she was right. It was so shocking.
Spike was speechless when he first saw me. Not that it lasted long. I don't think there's much out there that can keep Spike speechless for long. Even if he doesn't know what he's actually saying, it never seems to stop him from saying it.
I can still remember walking into the multiplex, the envious ripple that swept through my so called friends, former lackeys that they were, when they saw me on Spike's arm. The hot hunk of manly goodness that he is. The fact that I was wearing his coat, and that it wasn't just any old coat, but a full length, black, leather duster of an older man.
If they only knew how much older he is.
They'd all die.
That thought alone almost makes it worth telling them.
It felt so great, I swear I could hear jaws hitting the floor. Well, okay. Maybe not, but it was a near thing.
There were gasps though. Nice, loud gasps. And the stares. The eyes watching me. Unbelieving eyes that followed me wherever I went.
At that moment I knew I had them. I made sure to savor, to relish that sweet moment of vindication. Maybe it's vain of me, or petty, or whatever, I don't really know. They thought they could cast me out and I wouldn't find some way to retaliate.
Walking into the Multiplex at the mall, arm in arm with the hottest guy in California, or anywhere else in America, or the rest of the world, had been the first step in my plan.
I don't know what had eyes popping more; the hotness that is Spike, his Victorian mannerism, his rebellious nature, or the blunt, brutal way he spoke to people without ever coming across as rude.
When he asked me if I wanted him to eat a few, to thin out the herd, I thought I was going to die.
How I wish I could've said yes, but…
I just couldn't.
I didn't, I still don't, want to know how Spike is, or was getting his food. As long as I didn't know, I wouldn't have to feel guilty, or neglectful, about the people he had to be killing.
It didn't take a lot of effort on my part to convince Spike it would be just as convenient for us to eat while watching a movie as it would be if we took our food someplace else. A little flutter of the eyelashes and he was like putty in my hands.
Spike picked the movie. It was the least I could do since he paid for the tickets. Surprisingly the movie had absolutely nothing to do with blood and guts, but was some comedy starring Bill Murray. I think it was called The Man Who Knew Too Little. It was funny, I suppose. If you like that sort of thing. Which I guess Spike does since he laugh just about all the way through the movie. I know this since I was watching him through the entire movie.
Alright. I wasn't technically watching him. It was more my head was resting on his shoulder. I don't think I've ever felt so content, so relaxed in my entire life.
Everything felt so, I don't know.
Like that was the exact place I was always meant to be. Fate. Destiny. Karma. Whatever it was, it was perfect.
How weird is that.
Spike. Vampire. Blood thirsty killer.
Me. Slayer. Killer of blood thirsty monsters.
You'd think I'd be more nervous, edgy around Spike, but that couldn't be farther from the truth then Pluto is from the sun.
I know it's a big number, but aside from that I don't have a clue as to how big of a number it is.
Astronomical maybe?
Patrol afterwards was a blast. Just like he promised the night before, a lot of hands on training. More like live action fights between the two of us. It was possibly the most eye opening experience of my life.
Spike was literally able to manhandle me. And I don't think he was even half trying.
I know. I should have been frightened, terrified. Spike could kill me if he wanted to. But I wasn't. It was exciting, thrilling. Exhilarating. Since being called it's the first time I've faced someone, one on one and lost.
I can't help but get the feeling that he wants me to kill him. That all of his talk about us fighting to the death is just that. Talk. Bluster. A bunch of hot air. I don't doubt that he wants us to fight to the death.
His death.
I just know that sometime during our big fight he would make a mistake. Some little slip up that would lead to his end.
Deep down, in my heart, in the very core of my being, I just know it.
I don't think I could do it.
Already his tiniest little smile, the slightest quirk of his amazingly expressive eyebrows, that devil may care smirk. It's enough to make my knees go weak. The sound of his soft voice, like a ghostly caress, sends a slow flush burning along every inch of my raw, oversensitive flesh. His touch is enough to make that exquisitely heated chill build to a slow boil in my center, as my body breaks out in a cold sweat.
Just remembering the way it felt when...
Whoa, kind of jumping ahead there. Gotta keep everything in order here. Keep it all straight in my head.
Who knew things could turn so badly, so quickly?
Take out the vampire and slayer parts and it would make a bad movie of the week. Keep them in and it would make an even worse horror movie of the week.
I was right about what would happen showing up at the Cineplex with Spike. It solidified my place in the school's social hierarchy. Having an older boyfriend, one that was out of school, from England, that nobody else knew.
Everybody suddenly wanted to be my friend again. Wanted me back at the lame excuses they called party's.
All of which I had to decline because my boyfriend didn't like associating with the socially inferior.
Okay, so maybe my plan lacked a bit of follow through? So maybe I didn't think it out beyond the "lets get everyone gawking phase"?
How was I supposed to know it was nothing more then a stop gap? Or that it wasn't going to feel as vindicating as I thought it would? Or that I wasn't going to be allowed to step foot on campus before Christmas?
But at least for a week and half, almost two, I was back on top. I was in control. Everybody wanted to be my friend again.
Then the rumors started.
I can just imagine who started them. I never did find out, and it's not like I'm going to now, but I can just imagine. Not that I'm going to go throwing around names when I don't have any proof.
That would just be small and petty.
I never really heard them anyway. People just kind of clamed up whenever I was around.
Besides I had more important things on my mind at the time. While my life hadn't officially begun to spiral out of control yet, that would come in the days that followed, it was definitely heading in that direction.
It's just so much happened, in such a short time.
Too much maybe.
I don't think I'll ever be the same person again. I hope I won't anyway. Looking back on it now I can see what a selfish bitch I was.
Not that it helps me out now.
Not that anything can help me out.
After our "first date" everything just kind of fell into a comfortable routine. We'd go out, do something innocuous, innocent.
On our, "second date", I made the mistake of complaining about my English lit mid term that we were starting to prep for. Instead of doing any training Spike dragged me off to the library. That it was closed didn't slow him down in the slightest. I spent the entire night studying, and for the first time ever it made sense.
By the way, aced my midterm two weeks later.
Who would have guessed, with the way Spike looks and acts that he'd make such a good tutor? Even the breaking and entering was educational.
Of course Merrick wasn't too pleased that I wasn't out slaying, but it wasn't like I hadn't been killing off truckloads of vampires anyway.
It wasn't the only time we were going to get into it, especially over my slaying schedule. He thought I should just drop out of school, said it was taking too much time away from my sacred duty. I'm not going to bother writing down what I told him.
It's not like he wasn't loving how quickly my fighting skills were improving. What was the word he liked brandying around?
Phenomenal.
"This was phenomenal", "Or that's phenomenal", or, "You're making phenomenal strides". Leaps and bounds and all that kind of stuff.
He was constantly mumbling and muttering about my progress. Like I was some kind of prize monkey and I'd just have to stand there with that bright, but nobody's home, smile plastered on my face and take it.
I'm a human being, with her life falling to pieces around her. I wasn't some lab animal, a little rat running through its cage to get to the cheese. It would have been nice for him to remember that. At times I just wanted to scream or shout, rip my hair out, or shove my fist through his smug, condescending British face.
Okay so maybe hanging around Spike wasn't doing a lot for my, "can't we all just get along", attitude. Then again I was never one for all that, "lets give peace a chance", bunk anyway.
Maybe if I could have told him the truth. Then maybe things might have turned out differently. Only I knew I couldn't. I knew he'd react exactly how he did.
I gotta stop doing that.
I knew with the way I was acting, my behavior, I was setting myself up for the world to come crashing down around me.
I built up this whole fantasy world and refused to look out at reality.
Why should I?
Reality was this hard, cold, bitter place that I didn't like a whole lot. So why shouldn't I fight tooth and nail to keep it out of my perfect little world?
Not that it stayed out.
First clue that reality sucks big time.
Almost two weeks after our first date, Spike decided I needed a break, like I said, "vampires by the truck load", so he took me out to diner. It was this quaint little Italian place. Had this nice family atmosphere. Nothing snooty or snobbish about the place.
This was like our first real date. All Spike's idea. Nothing contrived on my part. I wasn't even dressed to go to diner at such a nice place.
I knew vampires could eat human food. Spike was always getting a craving for this or that, but this was the first time I ever saw him eat an actual meal. A complete four course diner.
It was going perfectly. It was the best night of my life. I know, I said the same thing about the movie and it was at the time, but it isn't anymore. Even Spike drinking beer instead of wine seemed to fit right in.
Then, "IT", happened. That cold slap of reality hitting you square between the eyes, letting you know, "IT", was about to bring the house down.
I was on my second plate of spaghetti and meatballs, with lots of bread. Slayer metabolism. Some days I think I can eat a horse and still not be full. Fortunately I never get really hungry anymore either. There's a trade off there somewhere, but I don't really know what it is.
Tangents. I really hate them. They should be banned, outlawed even.
So there I was. Enjoying my food, my wine, Spike's company. Just being in his presence is like breathing in pure bliss.
Have I mentioned that before? No. Well, it is.
Pure, one hundred percent unadulterated bliss.
Okay, back to the point.
Food, wine, and Spike's company.
Here we are on the opposite side of town from where I live and who should show up? My father. And who does he have with him? Somebody that definitely wasn't my mother. And with the way he had his hand on her back. Her lower back, like right above her ass. Hell he might as well have been patting her ass, it might have been less obvious.
She didn't even look that much older then me, but I was being served a pleasantly robust red wine with my diner.
It was so infuriating. I just wanted to jump up and storm over to him, slap him upside his head. Beat him and shake him until I knocked some sense into him. Make him promise that he'd stop cheating on mom.
I didn't, I couldn't, I wanted to, but…
I wasn't supposed to be there, especially not on a date drinking wine. I knew dad would have grounded me, or tried to something parental, not that he ever had before. Who knows, maybe he would've tried to blackmail me. Or offer me a bribe. One of those, you keep your mouth shut, I keep my mouth shut, kind of deals.
I really hate when reality forces its way into my own little fantasy world.
Sitting in my seat, staying my hand. Not just at the restaurant, but at home as well, has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. Doing anything would have ruined my perfect little dreamscape though, and as much as I hate to admit it…
I really am nothing but a selfish, spoiled little princess.
After that we just kind of snuck out of there. Not that there was much chance of dad spotting me. Not when he couldn't take his eyes off little Ms. Miniskirt.
Vampires didn't fair well that night. For some reason I had a lot of rage I needed to get off my chest.
That was the first sign. The first leak in the damn. After that the flood gates just started opening up.
The following night…
I still don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't, not really. I think it was more like musing, thinking something in my head, but I was actually saying it out loud. Or maybe I was feeling guilty about not confronting my father that subconsciously I deliberately shot myself in the foot.
It was right after school. My normal training time with Merrick. Like always he was going on and on about how much improvement I've made.
I don't know why I asked, I really wasn't thinking about it. My mind was just kind of blah, blah, blah; when all of a sudden the question just sort of popped out.
"Could a vampire ever be good?"
I think Merrick's eyes just about popped clean out of their sockets. He actually turned blue before he remembered to breath. He never did answer me. Just asked, "Why?"
Always have to wonder what a person is hiding when they answer a question with a question.
Things deteriorated after that. I was so tired of hiding the fact that Spike was helping me that I didn't lie to him. Well you can guess that Merrick wasn't happy about that. Not at all.
Our conversation disintegrated from there. Lots of yelling and shouting. It ended with me storming out telling Merrick that if he didn't like the way I was doing my job he could do it himself.
That came right after Merrick told me the council had ways of dealing with slayers who don't know how to do their jobs.
What was that suppose to mean anyway? Had ways of dealing with slayers? Was it supposed to be some kind of death threat?
I never got the chance to ask him. I never saw him again. Alive.
What I did see, I wish I hadn't. Wish I could just burn it out of my mind.
Wasn't very good company when I saw Spike that night. I was sullen, quiet, withdrawn. Not good company at all. No matter how hard I tried to break out of that rut, which was with every fiber of my being, I just couldn't. I think Spike thought that I was upset with him, which I wasn't.
But every so often I couldn't help but wonder if Merrick was right. It was there and gone, burned up in the recesses of my mind like a shooting star. Sometimes though little ambers remained behind. As much as I tried to stamp them out they just wouldn't go away.
The next day and the one after that I went home after school instead of going to Merrick's for training. Figure let him stew for a little while. Make him come crawling back to me.
Maybe if I had gone there instead of home Merrick would still be alive. I don't know. I don't think so.
I just can't help but think, what if?
What if I had done this? What if I had done that?
Want to know the real reason I wished I had gone to Merrick's instead of home? Probably not, you're nothing more then wood pulp… Do they still use wood pulp to make paper?
Never mind…
It had nothing to do with the possibility of keeping him alive. It's just, maybe if I had been there instead of home then Mom and Dad might still be together. It's because I was home that night that they told us.
Pretty selfish, huh? Not to mention petty.
But I think we've already established the fact that I'm really not all that nice of a person.
So, moving on now.
They couldn't wait until after Christmas to give us the good news. Couldn't pretend just a little while longer. Let me and Dawn have one final happy holiday together as a whole family? Like it would have killed them to keep the happy faces on for another week or so.
Then again with how much they've been arguing lately. Maybe it would have.
Mom and dad getting divorce. I still can't believe it and it's been four days now and I still…
I feel numb, like none of its real.
I don't want to believe it.
I knew they were having problems, but divorce? I hadn't realized it had gone that far. Or I didn't want to know?
Probably the second.
Then again it wasn't like I was actually around here all that much the past month. It was like I had just tossed my family onto the back burner or something believing that they would always be there, just like they were. Never changing.
Spike wasn't a lot of help either. Sure he listened just fine, but no help.
The past couple nights he had been kind of distant, like something was troubling him, only he wouldn't talk about it. At least not then.
When he did, I wish he had kept his mouth shut.
It wasn't like I wasn't having problems. My parents splitting up, Merrick, I don't know, threatening to have me killed, I suppose. Just so the council could get themselves an obedient little slayer that wouldn't think for herself, and Spike still not agreeing to take me to the winter fling.
Those are problems.
At least I thought they were.
That night just went from bad, with my parents big announcement, to worse with me and Spike having our first big fight.
I'm still trying to figure out how we went from talking, having a civil conversation, to Spike saying it was for the best if we didn't spend so much time together, to him telling me I should grow up and stop acting like a spoiled little baby. That everybody in the world has problems and some of them were actually more important then me.
I still want to know who or what could possibly be more important then me, and have problems that outweigh mine?
See that. You couldn't tell me so obviously they don't exist.
That wasn't even the worst part though. If you can believe it, because I can't? He up and walked away, just left me standing there. Without saying a word. Turned around and just about disappeared right there.
And I was left standing there alone.
Speechless.
Flabbergasted.
Trying to figure out just what happened.
This just came out of nowhere. Everything had been going so great and then we shouldn't see each other. What kind of crap was that? Did we just break up, but how could we break up if we weren't actually dating.
Come to think of it Spike had started withdrawing right after I mentioned the Winter Fling, and kind of sort of hinted that I wanted him to take me. Is that the reason why?
Then again maybe he was just sensing my own unease.
If only we'd talked then I'd know why I wasn't going to have a date for the dance in two nights.
Did I do something to drive him off? Frighten him? Was I too needy? Was I not attentive enough when he was talking?
What exactly is it that I did wrong?
It's probably something I'll never find out. At least now. I don't think I'm likely to see Spike again. Not after our last encounter. Not with how I left things.
Maybe he was right? Maybe we shouldn't see each other. Maybe it is for the best?
And maybe Hitler had it right.
I think not!
I just wish I knew why he decided
Sorry about that. Dawn came in and I really can't get any writing done while she's around. In case I've never mentioned this before, Dawn can talk your ear off. Literally. I've seen her do it. Pour guy's ear fell off while she was babbling along. At times I don't even think she needs to breath while her mouth is running.
I really shouldn't tease her so much, it's just kind of easy to do. I mean it was pretty nice of her, coming in here, checking up on me, making sure I'm okay and everything after what's gone on this week. Sometimes she acts so mature its hard to remember that she's only nine. She makes me look like the little kid.
I couldn't tell her the truth. I mean she was so sweet, so concerned about me. I couldn't tell her the truth.
I don't even know what the truth is.
Not really. Not enough to tell it to someone else.
How could I tell her that it's all my fault. That I'm the one to break up are parents. The way they were yelling and screaming at each the other day on the way home from the school after the dance, the fire, about me.
Always about me.
I didn't even recognize them.
I should have. It wasn't the first time I've seen them argue like that. Always about me. At least it always seems like it's about me.
Just remembered I don't think I've written anything about the dance. Not that I want to talk about the dance, my last dance at Hemery High. Didn't know it at the time, but…
Let's see, it started off at abysmal and quickly went downhill from there.
Amber started it all off by asking, in that I already know and have told everyone kind of voice, where my boyfriend was. Fortunately I had been preparing my answer for that question all day. Unfortunately I never got the chance to give it, that Spike was off in Europe on a book signing tour, because about twenty of Lathos' cronies crashed the dance.
I thought about not saving Amber, just kind of looking the other way as some random vamp drained her dry, but I couldn't really let some pour vampire get food poisoning.
Could I?
I could go into all the gory details now. Describe the fight an agonizing detail. Punch for punch, kick for kick. All the back flips and neat acrobatics. How I felt terrified and exhilarated all at the same. How the blood just seemed to rush to my brain, and how my gut felt all twisted in knots.
I could. But none of that matters.
The only thing that does matter, the long and the short of it…
I won.
Not a vampire that walked into the gymnasium that night walked out. True there wasn't a gymnasium to walk out of afterwards.
I won, but it still feels like I lost.
Everyone saw. The entire school staring at me, gawking, like I'm some kind of freak. Fighting, saving everyone's life, yet I'm still the one that felt like an outcast.
I don't how or when or why, but sometime during the fight a fire had started. A spark, lace doilies, paper. Everything went up like a roman candle. Whatever that's suppose to mean.
They never had any evidence that I started the fire, obvious since they never arrested me, but I was convenient. The school troublemaker, or so I'd been labeled lately, the scapegoat they needed.
It didn't help my case with the fact that I ran off before the police or a fire inspector talked to me. Kind of made it look like I started it. I was anger, lashing out. My grades had been slipping, I was isolating myself. The girl whose parents were in the middle of a separation, with the divorce coming soon.
I guess that's a plausible explanation. I mean my life is going to hell in a hand basket, in more ways then one. Its something a lot of kids do when there parents split up. Starting fires. It gives them a feeling of control, or so I've heard.
Law and Order or NYPD Blue or one of those other crime dramas did an episode on that very subject. I think. I kind of remember seeing something like that.
After dealing with the vampires at the dance I made a beeline for Merrick's. In all honesty I don't know why I felt this overwhelming urge to get to Merrick as quickly as possible. I just knew that I had to. It was like I had this buzzing in my head, telling me I had to get there, to run harder, move faster. A bee in the bonnet, a bur under the saddle, that was driving me onward.
Not fast enough.
Never fast enough.
I burst through the front door. The house was dark, didn't matter with my vision. It didn't matter, there was no one downstairs. I couldn't sense anyone in the house.
No one alive.
I could hear something from upstairs.
A slow creaking.
My heart was beating so fast I thought it just might burst through my chest as I started climbing the stairs. It felt like a heavy trip hammer pounding on the inside of my ribs. I couldn't breath, I had broken out in a cold sweat, and my brain had frozen, locked in place.
All you had to do was cue up the creepy music and I would have felt like I was in a bad horror movie. The type were you know the monster is just going jump out any second.
Give me the monster any day of the week.
Them I know how to deal with.
What I found.
I hope I never get use to seeing that. It was
God, it was the worst thing I've ever seen.
It
I don't even want to think about it.
Its one of those things that gets burned into your mind. An image seared directly into your brain. One you can never, ever get rid of.
I think I gasped.
I can remember backing away from his body as it swung back and forth.
That's when I first heard him. Lathos. A voice as smooth as silk, like a little slice of heaven brought to earth. I think he said, "What a lovely child." Or something like it. I'm not sure what happened over the next few minutes. It was all kind of fuzzy, clouded over with Lathos' voice.
The next thing I remember with any clarity was the sound of music. Opera, I think? Somebody wailing in a language I don't understand.
At the time I didn't know where it came from, or why it had suddenly came on. All I knew was that it broke me out of the daze Lathos had put me in.
When I checked the house, after dusting Lathos, a joke and a half once you got down to the actual fighting, I found that Merrick had his radio set to turn on at a specific time. A favorite program apparently. Pretty incredible, even dead Merrick still managed to save my life.
Kinda gotta love a guy that can do that for you.
I got out of there as fast as I could after that. The last thing I needed was being found at the scene of a murder not even an hour after fleeing a fire. It was definitely turning out not to be a good night to be me.
I wondered around for awhile after that, getting home just in time to change and leave for school, not that I knew if it had been cancelled because of fire damage or not.
Didn't stop the principal from calling me into his office. Or having my parents come in. Not a pleasant way to spend the day before Christmas. I was told if there was even the slightest evidence that I had anything to do with starting the fire I'd be in custody there and then. As it was I was no longer welcome at Hemery High School. In fact if I was found within five hundred feet I would be arrested for violated a restraining order.
Mom and Dad threw up the whole united front. It was pretty remarkable seeing them do that. Too bad it only lasted while we were there. Once we were back in the car everything went right back to normal.
They started yelling and screaming at each other. I felt like I turned invisible, I wish I had, while they shoved the blame back and forth at each other. I'm just glad Dawn still had school that day. She doesn't need to be put in the middle of all the problems I'm causing.
It was like they had forgotten how to talk at a normal decibel level. They had to try and out shout the other, like if their voice wasn't louder then their point wouldn't get made.
I just wanted to get away from them. So I did. We weren't even half way home when I'd finally had enough. I was out of the car and running down the street, in the opposite direction while dad was still slowing down for a stop sign. I don't even know if they knew I was out of the car then.
I was just so tired of it. I needed to get away. Figure things out for myself. I don't know what I had to figure out, but I knew I had to and I knew I couldn't do it with them around.
So here I was, wondering the streets, kicked out of school, no watcher, no friends, and definitely no boyfriend.
Nothing.
I ended up walking and thinking and accomplishing nothing. Just walking around and around.
Merrick was dead, I was under suspicion of starting the fire that burnt down the gym, Spike had suddenly decided that it wasn't a good idea for us to do whatever it was we were doing.
Somehow I wound up in a section of town I've never been in before. Never even driven through before. I didn't even know it existed until I looked around. The buildings were dingy, the streets dirty. The people looked mean. I felt completely out of place in this section of L.A. and I've never felt out of place anywhere in this city before. Then again, before I'd never been down here.
I wasn't worried about a bunch of dispirited people though. Being the slayer gave me that much at least.
Heck, I can handle half a dozen vampires and barely break a sweat. How many problems can a handful of people give me? Still it wasn't like I was planning on taking up residence down here or anything.
As I turned around to leave I spotted something I never would have expected to see. Not down here, not in a millions years.
Spike's Desoto.
Normally it would have been impossible for me to tell one old black car from any other old black car, but the blacked out windows let me know exactly who owned the car. Of course who ever said that other vampires couldn't black out the windows to their cars as well.
I can be such a fool at times.
I saw what I wanted to see and didn't even give a thought to any other possible explanation. I wanted it to be Spike's car. Fortunately it was, a few of the people that I questioned in the area recognized his description. It took me half an hour to find him, or to find the building he was living in. Actually finding Spike took me another ten minutes, and most of that was talking to some of the buildings other tenants.
Everyone in the building knew him, everybody loved him. As far as I could tell anyway. The enigmatic tough guy loner that was always willing to help out.
I know, it doesn't sound like Spike, but that was how the people I talked to described him.
He was kind of surprised to see me standing there in his doorway when he opened the door. Said something like, "So what? Stalking me now," in that annoying accent he used when he wanted to be especially insulting.
"No," I started off sounding indignant. "I was just out walking and I spotted your car, not too many black Desoto's with the windows blacked out." I sounded so haughty telling him that.
"Be surprised," he mumbled and walked away.
Without even bothering to invite me in.
Can you say rude much? But I just kind of thought, fine two can play this game. If he wasn't going to invite me in, I wasn't going to wait to be invited, so I walked in.
"What are you doing here?" He asked without even bothering to look at me as he made his way through his pallor to the little nook that functioned as his kitchen.
"I told you I was out walking and spotted…"
"Shouldn't you be in school or something?" He cut in.
God, he can be the most aggravating vampire in the world. Just thought I'd interject that here. In case it wasn't obvious.
I decided it was time to stop being nice. "Why are you doing this?" Okay, there had been a bit more whine in my voice then I wanted there. He just stood there, staring at me with blank eyes. "I thought we were friends?" Voice was firmer that time.
"Make yourself at home," he said grabbing his duster off the back of a wooden chair. "I got things I gotta go take care of," he added as he slipped his arms into the black leather sleeves.
It was the middle of the day, well okay moving on towards evening, but still did he think I was stupid. "What things?" I demanded blocking his path to the door.
He looked down at me then. There was something in his eyes, only there for a moment before it vanished: sadness, regret, longing, love; I don't know, it could have been me just wishing to see something that wasn't there. Then they hardened and he said, "Evil vampire things. Or what, did you think I stopped killing people just because I was teaching you how to be good little slayer." He must have seen the anger reflecting in my eyes because the next thing he said was, "Aw, ain't that sweet. You did. Naive little chit aren't you?"
I had never heard his voice sound so cruel, so hurtful. "What's going on? We're friends."
"We were never friends," he scoffed. "You're pathetic, you know that right? A slayer that has to be taught how to be a slayer, and still you can't get it right." His voice was an evil sneer, then he was brushing his way pass me making for the door.
I grabbed hold of his arm spinning him back around as I cried, "We were friends."
"You still don't get?" He growled shoving me back. "I'm a vampire, you're the slayer. We'll never be friends and you're a fool for thinking it and I'm an idiot for believing it. Someday I'm going to come after your head and if you want to live, you…"
I hit him. He's got this way of just digging in under your skin and finding the right buttons to push. It felt good to just rear back and let him have it. It was like I was in shock; I couldn't believe that I hit him, and that it felt good.
Before I could apologize though Spike hit me. It didn't hurt, more surprise and excited. There was this look in Spike's eyes, the same as before but more powerful, passionate. It was like a hunger I've only ever spotted in them from time to time, but never like this. This full force glare that was boring into me.
Everything happened in a blur after that. I'm not really sure how they went from there to where they ended up. I know I hit him back, then he hit me, and it kind of went on like that for a while.
It wasn't fighting, the punches were no where near strong enough to hurt, but it wasn't training either.
It was something else entirely.
Something deeper. Something fiery, passionate.
During the middle of, whatever it was we doing. Foreplay, maybe, I don't know what, but we went from fighting to making out to – I can't believe I'm going to write this down – sex.
"Buffy had sex?" Dawn gasped, her bright blue eyes widening to the size of saucers. All the other thoughts in her head evaporating in a flash.
She's heard of sex before. She's just never known anyone that's ever actually had sex. Well parents obviously because there couldn't be children without parents having sex.
She knew that much.
But she has always been told it was something that only happened between husbands and wives. Her eyes scrunch up as she wondered if that meant Buffy and Spike are married now. There hadn't been a wedding and Buffy was still far too young to get married.
Even with only being nine Dawn knew that. At least she thought she did. She wasn't as sure as what she used to be.
She gave her head a small shake as she looked back down at Buffy's diary. There are still a couple of pages left for her to read.
Probably a lot of it was Buffy complaining about being forced to move to some crappy little town, three hours – if you obeyed the speed limit – south of Los Angeles, called Sunnydale. Not like it wasn't her fault they had to move there in the first place. Because there are so many schools out there that want a suspected arsonist in their student body.
Dawn turned her attention back to the dairy.
It was the most incredible feeling I've ever known. From my head down to my toes and everywhere in-between. Every cell in my body, every fiber of my being exploding all at once. Being totally and completely filled.
I felt alive. For the first time in my entire life. I was truly alive.
I don't even have the words to describe how wonderful it felt. How I felt. Anything I write down will just sound so trite. Like fireworks, and the world moving, an orchestras playing in the background. None of it even comes close to describing what it was like.
It still feels strange. I feel strange, because I don't feel any different. I keep looking at myself in the mirror, staring at myself, expecting to see something different about myself, but I still look the same.
I thought mom would have been able to tell right away. Take one look at me, gasp and shout out some inane comment. So far she hasn't, but then again I haven't really been around her that much since coming home Christmas morning and she hasn't forced the confrontation I know is coming.
It was sometime in the early hours of the morning when we finally fell asleep. The apartment was a mess. We completely trashed the place. I don't know if it happened while we were fighting or while we were, you know, having sex.
I want to call it making love, but that doesn't even come close to describing what we were doing. It was wild. There was an air of abandonment, like we sort of left rational thought behind. Like it had no place where we were.
I woke up sometime around dawn. I felt so content, satisfied. Like I was a completely different person. More mature, older.
Spike's duster was wrapped around me and I could feel him spooned against my back. His hand resting on my thigh. It was then that I realized exactly what had happened the night before, that morning.
A moment before I had been dozing in contentment, post sexual bliss I suppose, and then I was wide awake with one thought running through my head.
It was more like two thoughts that formed one.
I had sex with Spike.
Then there was, mom's going to kill me.
With as much stealth as I could muster, I gathered my clothes, the ones I could find, got dressed and slunk out of Spike's apartment.
That was when I found out just how much damage we had done to the place. It was a frightening wake up call. The previous night it didn't even register. It all seemed like a vague haze
Dawn jumped off the bed, Buffy's diary falling to the floor as the bedroom door banged open. Her eyes widen as the thought of Buffy catching her flashed through her mind. She quickly searched for someplace to hide before realizing there's no point. There was no place to hide.
Then the only thing worse then having Buffy walking into view from around the little corner created by the closet happened. Her mother stepped into her field of vision, a tall woman with a very commanding presence.
Joyce doesn't say anything as her scowl took in her youngest daughter. She spotted Buffy's diary lying on the floor. Its presence more then supporting the reason for Dawn's exclamation a few minutes earlier when she had been walking past Buffy's door. It was taking almost all of her self control not to yell at Dawn and instead calmly asked, "What's going on here?"
Dawn gulped slightly as she gazed up at her mother, she recognized that overly calm voice. It was like the calm that precedes the storm. That deathly quiet right before everything erupted. She's heard it often enough when Buffy's done something wrong, but she's never had it directed at her before.
She knew she had three options. Tell the truth and be grounded for life. Lie and be grounded for life. Claim a complete short term memory loss, and still be grounded for life.
Joyce eyebrows arch slightly while Dawn remained silent. "Well?"
"I thought I heard Buffy and came in to talk to her but nobody was here and I found her diary lying open on the bed and I was going to put it back when you came in," she explained in a rush as Joyce continued to stare at her with a critical eye while folding her arms across her chest.
"And just how do you know where Buffy keeps her diary?" She inquired in a level voice.
Dawn blinked owlishly a moment before her head dipped slightly and she nibbled unconsciously on her lower lip while she tried to think up a plausible explanation. That Buffy told her where it was wasn't going to fly.
"I suggest you go to bed and when I ask you the same question in the morning you better have a better answer then the one you just gave me. Preferably the truth and maybe, just maybe you won't be grounded until your senior prom."
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Buffy slid her window close after slipping into her room. It had been a rather slow night. She thought Lathos' death might have something to do with that. Without him there to create and direct hordes of minions L.A. was becoming almost placid.
As is often the case since Christmas any thought of vampires sent her thoughts spiraling towards one vampire, a certain scrumptiously, delectable platinum blonde vampire that could do incredible things with his tongue. Not to mention other parts of his anatomy.
It wasn't the first time she has wondered if maybe she had made a mistake sneaking out of his apartment the morning after. Still she hasn't gone back to see him, talk to him. Find out where things stood between them. Her emotions concerning Spike are extremely convoluted. At times she felt like she was walking a mental minefield trying to decipher what she really feels for him.
She knows she's in love with him; he is the man who took her virginity so that meant they were in love. Didn't it? That's a constant question running through her mind. Another was, how can I love someone who can make me so angry so quickly?
She didn't want a relationship like her parents, an explosion waiting to happen. Not that she thought she is going to live long enough to have that. Not with the life expectancy slayers have. Another two years if she was good. Six if she were lucky as well.
Stepping around her bed she came to a stop as she feels somebody else in the room with her. As she turned around, towards the back corner of her room Buffy spun right into the sudden brilliance of her vanity light coming to life.
Just before her sudden bout of blindness she caught a glimpse of her mother sitting in the wooden rocking chair. An antique her grandfather had made for his wife, her grandmother, which had been passed to her with her passing. It's as solid today as it was the day it had been made.
Buffy caught the small book, her diary, as it sailed toward her. A small, horrified expression blossomed on her face. Before she could say anything Joyce demanded, "Is it true?"
The words were said in a whisper, but for Buffy they might as well been shouted at her with a bull horn. Her mind seemed to slow down, almost like she was getting ready for a fight. She took in everything as her brain analyzed all the various scenarios she could imagine.
"You read my diary!" Buffy burst out as everything snapped back into real time.
"Answer the question!" Joyce snapped back losing the rather tenuous grip she had on her temper. She knew it wasn't fair, the two separate ways she has always treated her daughters, but Buffy has always been headstrong, willful, and independent. Almost to the point of being insolent. She has always needed a stronger hand in dealing with Buffy.
Buffy shook her head angrily as she waved the flat book at her mother. Joyce rose swiftly to her feet needing every inch she has to loom over her eldest. "You had no right…"
"I'm your mother," Joyce cut in sharply while taking a step forward.
Buffy frowned at the feeling of dread lacing its way through her stomach and gripping her heart. She's faced down vampires and demons, charged head long into life and death fights with barely a tremble, yet her mother could still make her afraid.
"I have every right to know what's going on in your life. Now how long has this been going on?" She demanded placing special emphasis on this.
Stiffening her back Buffy ground her teeth and tossed her diary back at Joyce who barely managed to catch hold of the book. "You've read my diary. You do the math," she snarled at her mother.
Joyce tossed the journal onto Buffy's bed. In a loud hiss she said, "You listen here young lady. This is the last chance to tell me just how long this… Thing has been going on."
"A month!" Buffy shouted at her. "It started just after Thanksgiving, but did you or dad notice anything? You two were so busy shouting and screaming at each other, trying to find new ways of hurting the other one, that neither of you even noticed that Dawn spent every night crying herself to sleep or that I wasn't coming home till two, three, sometimes four in the morning, just so long as you won the argument, or got the last word in, who cares if your daughters' life is falling to pieces around her!" She cried, hot tears streaming down her face. She tries to wipe them away, but her hands were shaking so much she could barely control them.
"Sshhh," Joyce soothed as she moved forward gathering Buffy into her arms. At first Buffy flinched at the contact, it has been so long since Joyce has tried to comfort her it felt alien. Joyce however refused to let Buffy brush her away and eventual the young girl relented and allowed her mother to engulf her in a solid hug. She whispered soft, comforting words to her daughter without knowing what she was saying.
A month. Buffy has been having sex for a month now and she didn't have a clue it was going on. Buffy had been right about the reason why as well. She was so caught up in her battle with Hank she didn't see anything else going on around her.
That was going to change. From now on she was going to be there for her daughters. Both of them.
Her eyes shifted to Buffy's diary as she wondered what other secrets her eldest daughter might be keeping. Just as quickly she discarded the idea. Buffy should trust her enough to tell her anything. If she doesn't it was her own fault and something she was going to have to work on regaining. Joyce knew it wasn't going to be an easy task, but it was one she's determined to accomplish.
Still she wasn't going to tell Buffy that it was Dawn that had been reading her diary. The two girls have always been close and she didn't want to ruin that bond just so she could regain a little of Buffy's confidence.
That she was going to have to do the old fashion way.