Elizabeth Weir looked at the pen in her hands as she sighed softly. This—this bizarre love triangle—it was getting out of hand. 'Then again, it has been for a long time,' Elizabeth thought to herself, recalling all of the tears she had shed in the last few days. Crying had almost become a second nature. Just now, rushing to the control room for the arrival of AR-3, she had felt the weight of everything crushing around her once again, her eyes watering dangerously. It was one matter to cry alone, it was another to cry under the public eye. Elizabeth had no doubts about the people on Atlantis – they knew she was human, they knew she was more than a leader and they would understand if they saw her crying…but it was unacceptable to Elizabeth. These people had nothing to depend on but each other, and they needed a wise leader they could depend on. As long as she remained leader of the expedition, she would sacrifice anything to be that person for them. How could she support her people when she couldn't even gather the strength to support herself?
Troubled by her thoughts, Elizabeth pushed away from the desk in her office and walked onto the balcony, pushing away the immediate memories the balcony gave. She leaned on the banister as the cool breeze filtered through her hair and was reminded of why she enjoyed standing out here. It was so peaceful…so removed from the bustle and danger of the city.
But there was a new danger here. Memories of a forgotten affair that was never spoken physically, memories of another balcony under the night sky… 'A balcony is a balcony,' Elizabeth thought to herself, rolling her eyes as if her outward attitude could convince her mind all the more. As hard as she tried, her heart would not listen for there in those crevices it contained, there was a clear distinction between the balconies. She ran a hand over the railing, feeling the soft metal beneath her fingertips. Here, here was where she and Rodney had spent countless nights simply talking about anything and everything. The words between them were nearly as soothing as the scenery that stretched beneath. They knew everything about each other, even down to what kindergarten the other had attended. Rodney and Elizabeth, they understood each other. They could rant, complain or speculate off of each other and never think the less of the other person or get bored with the conversation.
There was another balcony, a balcony she always associated with the darkness of the night. He fits in with the night, Elizabeth thought, an image of John coming to mind. They sat often beneath the starry sky, no words needing to be spoken. Each of them worked out their own problems, their minds independent. But there was something; some spark that lit the air when they touched, something…mysterious. That was the word for him, Elizabeth thought. There was always a comfort when she was around him – he would protect her easily. In more ways than one, Elizabeth realized. He would protect her physically, but their lack of communication protected her emotions from a scathing observation. No matter how protected she felt, there was always that aura of mystery. She had Rodney all figured out, but John was harder to unwrap. There were so many complex layers to him, so many keys to his behavior that lay beyond questions that couldn't be asked. Silently, Elizabeth wondered if that had become the new project of her curiosity; to decipher John's mind. Guilt swelling her throat, she had to ponder if that was the only reason she found their relationship so engrossing.
No one but herself for company, she found herself dissecting her own feelings layer by layer. What did she really want in a boyfriend? The bland, everyday answer was a man she could communicate with, share her feelings with, who understood her, who was sweet and caring… And Rodney and John, in their own special ways, fit the bill for the most part. So what was so different between them? She could talk with Rodney, express her feelings – with John, they didn't do that, but there was a primal level of understanding between them. Rodney was a scientist, always figuring out how things worked and why; John didn't question things but followed his instinct. John played hero without trying; Rodney was a reluctant hero.
But they both hid. Rodney hid behind the mask of a snarky, bitter person. John hid behind the mask of a military man and on his cheerful days, behind that of a carefree albeit sarcastic man. Elizabeth knew them both to know that the persona they hid behind was truly a part of them – but only a small part. 'We all hide, don't we?' Elizabeth wondered, folding her arms on the railing and leaning forward. She was hiding – hiding under the surface of a strong, capable leader. 'Why do people hide?' her eyes swam the expanse of the water. 'We want to be somebody, be an example, be better than what we are inside… We believe only certain people can see the flaws in us and still respect us…we don't trust others to show the layers beneath…'
So why was she hiding? If she was the strong, capable leader she made herself out to be, she wouldn't even be in this position. She had to turn to the inside, to who she truly was. It was a simple matter of diplomacy, Elizabeth decided, trying to figure out what was inside of her heart. She understood now what drove certain people to enter the psychology field. But you couldn't find who you yourself were from a textbook.
Elizabeth straightened her back and took a deep breath. She knew the courage that she had summoned to face herself would not last long. She had to make a decision between Rodney and John…and she would make it now. The minutes stretched long between and her eyelids fell, Elizabeth finding comfort in the warm, soft rays of the sun and the washing sounds of the waters. She would make a decision. The guilt would come inevitably; the roller coaster of events afterward would be emotional…but she could and she would make it through.
She may hide behind the mask of a strong woman…but just like John and Rodney, that woman was a part of her as well.
Author's Note: I'm back! It's only been five days, but it really seems like more. At least...to me. :) Anyway... I really like this chapter for some odd reason. -shrug- :) Anyways...I hope you guys liked and please review! Thanks to Amaruk Wolfheart of the Wraith (this chapter is dedicated to said swivel!), szhismine, Lucimon, PurpleYin and aaobuttons for the wonderful reviews!