Don't own these characters.
Chapter 13
Present day
Sesshomaru stared down at the divorce papers, eyeing them as if they would tell him what he should do. He wondered if Kikyo had gone through as deep a thought process as he was doing when she signed the papers. Had she thought about their entire relationship, relived the whole time that they were together before she quickly sprawled her name across the line to sever their cherished bond? He doubted it. She did everything with a practiced ease, like everything came naturally to her; it was close to the same way that he did things. His way tended to be more calculated and deliberate, but he hardly pondered things over and over as he was doing now. He always knew what he wanted and then he went for it, but right now, he was hesitating.
The golden-eyed lawyer thought that his wavering meant that he did not know what he truly desired. Or, there was always the chance that he was all too aware of what he wanted and just did not wish to admit it to himself. He could almost hear a voice in the back of his head whispering that he knew everything, what he wanted and why he was hesitating. You know the reason, the voice echoed in his mind, but he did not want to acknowledge it. If he did, then it made him look almost foolish, but then again, was he ready to go against himself just to save face? That seemed foolish as well.
"I thought you'd still be here," Kikyo commented coolly from the doorway.
"Kikyo," Sesshomaru almost gasped as he looked up to see the teacher standing in his doorway. He wondered how she got to his office, but he did not bother to ask because his mouth would not form the question.
"May I come in?" she requested very politely.
"Please." He motioned to the inside of the room with a royal sweep of his hand.
Kikyo entered the office and closed the door behind her. She looked around, having never been to his office before that day. She knew that most people would think that it was strange that she had never been to her husband's office, but she worked just as many days as he did and she knew that he would not really like the surprise of her being at his place of business if she did have the time to come by.
He had a couple of bookshelves and one painting on the wall, which had been done by Rin; it was a nice piece of modern art with a lot of vibrant colors that seemed to reflect the girl's cheery personality and also made it seem to be lost located in Sesshomaru's office. He was not as extravagant as most people would think from the few items in the space, but she always suspected that his office looked something like it did. She took a seat in front of his desk.
"You look good," Kikyo commented, not that she expected otherwise. She knew that he took great care of himself and even if he did not, he did have that other woman to do things for him, her mind pointed out. The voice in her head sounded much more bitter than the one coming out of her mouth.
"Thank you. You do too. You've been taking care of yourself?" he inquired, even though he could guess the answer to that question. He knew that she was staying with her mother and he doubted that that harpy woman would allow her daughter to fall into any type of dejected state while in her care.
"My mother mostly has," she admitted, but she would not confess why that was.
Sesshomaru did not press the issue, but continued the little pseudo-friendly conversation. "I figured as much. It pains me to ask this, but how often does she curse my name?"
"Daily. Sometimes, hourly."
"I thought as much," he said, sounding almost as if it impacted him in someway, as if he cared what her mother had to say about him. "Have you gotten a new apartment yet?" he asked, some concern slipping out of his mouth, but she had the decency to ignore it.
"No, not yet."
"I could make a few calls," he offered. He was not sure why, but he felt like he owed her that much. He felt like he owed her period.
"Unnecessary. Kaede doesn't want me to leave," she informed him with a small, amused smile. She was looking for a place of her own, but for the moment, her mother and sister were quite pleased with her presence and she felt like she needed them, so she was going to stay with them for a little longer. She liked the support that they offered.
"She hasn't told Rin that you're living with them?" he asked in a stunned tone. He did not think there was a secret among their little sisters.
"I requested that she not say anything about it," Kikyo explained.
"That's good. That explains why my mother has not come up here personally and yanked my head off of my shoulders," Sesshomaru mused aloud. He could already feel the anger that was going to be radiating off of his mother in poisonous, murderous waves when she found out that he and Kikyo were separating.
"I suppose. You haven't signed yet?" she asked while nodding toward the divorce papers.
"No."
Kikyo nodded and cast her eyes around the office once again. She thought that he would have jumped at the chance to sign the papers. After all, the whole matter was his suggestion. He could be rid of her and be with his other woman. He could be content again. It seemed logical to her, but obviously there was some flaw in her thinking if he had not signed the papers yet.
Sesshomaru stared at Kikyo, just taking in the sight of her. She might have looked the same as always to anyone that did not know her as well as he did. She sat with perfect posture and pose, like a queen, he often thought. But, he knew that underneath her composed, elegant demeanor, he had hurt her. He was more than aware that he wounded her worse than possibly anyone ever had or would. He had not meant to do such a thing; she was his beloved. He had not meant to do the things that he had done; they seemed like such good ideas at the time, though. In reflection, he had made so many bad moves and he mentally acknowledged that for the first time.
"Why are you here, Kikyo?" Sesshomaru asked to stop his thoughts because he knew where his mind was going because it went there often since they had been separated.
"I thought that it would be nice to spend our last few moments of marriage together. I have always wondered if the time we spent together in this marriage were added up, would it equal even a fraction of the time that we spend together before we got married?" she replied, as if it did not matter to her, but it did, which was why she brought it up.
"I suppose it is a valid thought. It never did enter my mind, though. I had so much work …" he trailed off because it sounded like he was making an excuse and he did not see why he would need an excuse. She had not offered him any excuses for anything, so he should return the thought and respect her enough to just accept responsibility for what happened.
"I understood that," Kikyo told him. Sometimes, she did wish that he would spend more time at home, but she always understood that he had work to do. She would have never considered getting a divorce if all he did was work long hours when it was necessary.
"Then what was it that you didn't understand?" he asked. There had to be some reason for what they had falling apart. What was it? He knew what he thought it was, but he did not know what she thought it. It was possible that she had not believed that their marriage was crumbling at the same moment that he thought it was.
"When was I not enough?" she asked him quietly. He was always all she needed and it did ache, eternally, that it was not the same with him. It was beyond an ache actually because it was sharp and central in the core of her being while never leaving. She now hurt every moment of every day because she was not all he ever needed and that he did not even want her anymore. She felt like she had failed him.
"You were always enough," he answered smoothly, but sincerely. She was everything; she was all he ever needed and he knew that, especially now. He would confess that easily because it was so true.
"Then why?" she demanded to know. Her chocolate eyes lit on fire with anger that he never thought could exist in her body, but there was also pain behind her frustration. He had definitely injured her heart.
"You withdrew. Why?" he countered civilly. He felt like she had pushed him away and that was why he strayed. Had she behaved differently, he liked to believe that he would have behaved differently.
Kikyo turned her eyes away from him for a moment. She had not meant to be the way that she had. It had been subconscious more than anything else. Sometimes, she felt like he was treating her like a child, someone to be looked after to assure she did not hurt herself. Other times, she felt mocked, like to get his acknowledgement for more than a ride home, she had to lose a baby. And then of course there was the fact that she had lost a baby. They could have had a child, but she had managed to fail in that regard, too.
"I … I didn't even know …" Kikyo answered vaguely, sounding rather sorrowful.
"You didn't even know what?" he asked in a bit of a confused tone.
"About our baby. I was going to go to the doctor that day after work. I didn't even know he was there until he was gone. I didn't know what to do. I felt so …" she trailed off because she felt about a billion emotions at once and she did not know how to put such a thing into words.
"You didn't know?" he asked with a slightly surprised expression. All that time, he thought that she just did not tell him. It never occurred to him that she did not even know. He had been so angry with her, thinking that she just did not tell him.
"I didn't," she replied in a low tone. Her voice held nothing but pain and disappointment in herself. She had lost that baby. It was her fault somehow, she told herself. "It was all my fault …"
"No, it was never your fault," he insisted and he felt like those words were directed at more than her miscarriage.
"I …" She gritted her teeth, unable to address the agony inside of her.
"It's all right," he said when he saw how upset she looked over just speaking about what happened. It was actually the first time that she spoke about, with him at least. He suspected that she might have talked about it with someone else by now, which was not true. She had kept those words bottled up from the very moment that she had had the miscarriage.
Kikyo shook her head and she stared at Sesshomaru. Tears welled up in her eyes and he realized that she was going to do the one thing that she had never done in all the time he had known her—she was going to cry. She had not even shed a single tear when she had told that she had a miscarriage, but now it seemed like she was ready to release some of her grief. It's about time, he thought.
Sesshomaru removed himself from his seat and embraced Kikyo. She remained seated while he stayed standing up. She wept silently into his abdomen, ruining his suit jacket. He held her in surprisingly loving arms for what seemed like an infinite, but it was less than five minutes. He was just thankful and pleased that he could be there for her when she needed him and she needed to let it out. She turned her eyes up to him when she was finished and offered him a sorrowful smile.
"For all we know, our marriage showed no hint of intelligent design, huh?" Kikyo remarked, trying to get herself together now that she had managed to get some of her grief out rather than burying it in a pit inside of herself.
"Yet it exists all the same," he replied.
"Perhaps it was just an accident."
"If all things are set in motion by an all-powerful, unmoved mover then there are no accidents. Kikyo, what should I do? Should I let you go again like a fool? You are mine always and forever and I know that I'll always think like that," he confessed in a whisper. He spoke the truth because he owed her the truth, which he was all too aware of, especially as he embraced her. No matter what they did in life, he would always think that she was his, as if she had been made specifically for him and he would not be able to let anyone else touch her.
"If I am to always be yours, how can you let me go?" she countered.
"This is the question I have been plaguing myself with all day. I make you happy, no?" he asked, almost scared to hear the answer.
"You do," she informed him without hesitation.
"I do? Not did?" he asked because of her choice of words.
"You do," she repeated firmly.
"Then why did you sign these papers?" he asked in disbelief.
"Just as you wish to make me happy, I wish to do the same for you. I cannot make you happy. You work long hours, even when you don't need to just to avoid me. I have become superfluous to your life. Isn't that why you are now with that other woman?" she pointed out.
"I was with her because sometimes even perfection can be quite the ass," he confessed with a sigh.
"Was?" she echoed now because of his choice of words.
"She lacks all the things that make you the woman for me. Her essence and existence are not your essence and existence. I cannot be with her because she is not you. You would never be superfluous in my life and she will never be in my life again," he assured her.
"Then what is to be done? Will you not sign?" she asked while motioning to the papers.
"There has to be some other solution."
"Another solution to our marriage? I think there are only two options when it comes to be people being together; they can either be together or they can be apart. There does not seem to be a third state of being," she stated.
"Perhaps then we should remain married," he suggested with a slight smile.
"Perhaps," she concurred with a smile of her own.
Why fight what they knew was unavoidable? They wanted to be together despite everything that they put each other through. They would rather put up with each other than with anyone else on the planet and they knew that. So, their marriage would continue to exist and all they had to do was figure out what kind of marriage it was.
-8-8-8-8-
You thought that they were gonna get a divorce, didn't you? Hey, it could still happen.
Next time: there's an epilogue coming up just to see how the couple's doing. They might still be getting on each other's nerves.