Emotions

Chapter 7: Pain and Regret

Disclaimer: Starwars: KOTOR II: TSL belongs to Lucas Arts, Bio-ware, and Obsidian.

Atton's POV

"You are a pathetic fool." A cryptic shrill voice insulted.

I looked back and saw Kreia, scowling at me, I growled, "What the hell do you want?"

"Did you think she would truly forgive you? Forgive a murderer like you? Forgive a deserter?" She smirked cruelly, "Did you think you could be forgiven for all the things you've done that easily?"

"I'm not expecting to be forgiven that easily, but-"

"But what? You are expecting her to eventually come around and forgive you? To look at you with eyes full of love and compassion as she once did before you confessed to her about your past? She will not. When she looks upon you now, it will not be a gaze full of understanding and love... oh no... but she will look upon you like she does every Sith... every murderer... with hate and disgust. To her... you are no longer Atton... you are no longer a trusted companion... you are forever branded by her... a Sith... a Jedi assassin... a murderer..." She smirked and leaned her head back as she laughed cruelly.

I glared hatefully at her. She was laughing at my pain... that laugh... that shrill evil pompous laugh... "SHUT UP!" I screamed, balling my hands into tight fists. She only continued to laugh, louder this time. Anger. That's what I felt at the moment. 'How dare she laugh at me... laugh at the expense of my pain and suffering...' I gritted my teeth and my breathing became heavier. I grabbed my two blasters in each hand and pointed it at her and screamed, "SHUT UP!"

I couldn't control myself... I couldn't stop myself...

I stood over Kreia's body in a puddle of her own blood. 'I did not I just... no...' I kneeled next to her body and turned it over so it was facing up. When I did, I gasped. It was not Kreia... instead... it was another.

I stared at the face of the Jedi that saved me long ago. Her face pale with death, dirty blond hair in disarray, a trail of blood in the corner of her mouth, and blood covered her tattered Jedi ropes. I lost my balance and landed on my back. I pulled myself up and stared in horror at the body in front of me.

"Atton..."

I jumped slightly and turned around, "Alanah?"

She stood in front of me, staring at me emotionlessly, "I can't..." she said softly, igniting her silver light saber, "I can't forgive you..."

"Alanah?" was the only thing I said as I felt the hot blade of her light saber pierce through my chest. I stared straight into her eyes, Kreia was right... all I saw was hate and disgust...

Then, I heard that laugh again... that shrill, evil, pompous laugh. I looked past Alanah and saw her... I saw Kreia.

And finally... everything turned black...

I jolted up from the pilots seat of the Ebon Hawk and looked frantically around. I breathed heavily and wiped the sweat off my forehead with my right hand. 'It was just a dream... just a dream...' I said mentally to myself. I sighed heavily and sunk into my seat, greatly relieved.

It had been about three standard days since I confessed about my past to Alanah. Since then, she hasn't talked or even given me a glance since then. All I've witnessed her doing, was either training or meditating with her padawans- Bao-Dur, Mical, and Mira, meditating or talking with Visas or Kreia, talking to GO-TO or HK, talking to or repairing T3-M4, and meditating by herself in the cargo hold. These three days felt like hell for me. I wanted so much to talk to her. To joke around, flirt, and play a round of pazaak like we used to, before I told her my dark past.

I sighed. I felt like I completely lost her. And I would do anything to reestablish our connection again. I growled irritably.

"Atton?" I looked back and saw Mical. 'Oh for the love of... Seriously, what the hell is with my luck?'

"What do you want?" I snapped. Couldn't this kid take the hint that I couldn't stand the mere presence of him.

He flinched slightly, "Alanah wanted to know how long it was until we arrived at Onderon?"

I scoffed, 'Great now she's sending her pet to relay messages to me,' I rolled my eyes, "Why doesn't she just ask me this herself, instead of sending you to?"

"She..." he paused, "she is busy at the moment, reviewing some recent datapads we've gathered from Nar Shaddaa." Mical was a pathetic liar.

I rolled my eyes, "We arrive in Onderon in 48 standard hours."

"Thank you, I'll tell her that." he thanked and turned to leave.

"Whatever." I replied sourly.

Hours later...

Alanah's POV

I sat the middle of the cargo hold, meditating. I suspected that the everyone was in the dormitories sleeping by now. I spent today giving extra training to my padawans. I was really proud of them. They were all progressing quickly with no real problems. Bao-Dur was excelling with his light sabers, Mical was excellent when it came to his force powers and mediation, and Mira was doing great with her light saber skills and force powers. They were going to become great Jedi one day. I could feel it. I used the extra spare time to talk to Visas, finding out more of her past and she even taught me a new force power- force sight. Then I talked to Kreia and found out she used to be Revan's former master.

She told me something else that was unsettling to me.

"When I look at you- I see the death of the Force..."

I sighed. Was I truly the death of the Force? I brushed the thought away. I had more important things to think about. We were to arrive at Onderon soon and I would face Master Kavar. There were some fond memories with him. I remember back on the Dantooine Enclave, he would stop by and visit. I remembering him giving me extra lessons and telling me I would become a great Jedi Knight one day. Master Kavar one of the kindest Jedi Master out of all of them from the Council. His voice never carried arrogance like Master Vrook or Atris. He was almost fatherly like, if I remember correctly.

Pushing those thoughts to the back of my subconscious, I stood and walked out the cargo hold and walked down the hall to the lounge bay for drink. It was empty, as expected, when I arrived. I walked over to the beverage dispenser and ordered a Chandrilan Herb Tea. I grabbed the steaming cup of tea, took a quick sip, and walked over to a booth to sit.

I sighed heavily as memories from three days ago some how crawled into my head. The way Atton said how the Jedi deserved what happened at Malachor... so full of hatred. How he confessed of being an ex- Sith, how he killed countless of Jedi... I had thought about everything he said and it sent shivers to my spine.

I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard someone walk into the room. I looked up and held my breath, "Atton!"

His eyes met mine and an awkward silence filled the air. He cleared his throat, "I was just going to get a drink." he walked over to the beverage dispenser and got his drink. Silence and tension filled the room, it felt like it was driving me mad.

He was about to exit the room, a cup of caffa in hand, but I stopped him, "Atton, wait!" He stopped immediately and glanced back at me, "We... we need to talk... about-"

"I know... we didn't really finish our discussion from three days ago..." he said uncomfortably. I watched him walk over to where I sat and he took a seat from the opposite of me.

There was a short silence until I finally gained enough courage to ask, "So... what made you leave the Sith?"

He sighed heavily and scratched the back of his neck, "Well, there was this woman, a Jedi." he glanced over at me, "She... she gave her life for mine."

I took another sip of my tea and looked over at him, "Was this... was this a mission?"

He shook his head, "It wasn't a mission. She sought me out. She said... she had come to save me. She was lying of course- or I think she was. It doesn't matter- she told enough truth to get my attention."

I looked sympathetically at him, "Are you sure she was lying? Maybe she truly wanted to save you?" I asked.

"Maybe. It doesn't matter. She knew the right things to say." He paused and avoided my gaze, "She said that Revan was doing something terrible to Jedi within the Unknown Regions That when we captured Jedi, they were sent to a place designed to... break them. And that anyone in her service who showed any ability with the Force was sent there, too, to turn them, to break them into Dark Jedi... or assassins trained to kill Jedi." I was shocked, I had no idea Revan did this. "She said that's what would happen to me- that I had the Force inside me, that's why I was so good at killing Jedi. And that when the Sith learned of it, there would be no escape, no turning back I would become an instrument of the darkside, forever. I had heard talk in the ranks, troops vanishing. I knew what she meant, but I didn't believe her."

"Did... did you kill her?" I think I already knew the answer.

"I did what I did to all Jedi. I hurt her." he hung his head in shame, "I hurt her a lot. And the, right when I thought she couldn't take anymore- she showed me the Force. In my head." he lifted his head and stared into my eyes. I gasped when I saw tears forming in his eyes, "And I felt everything she felt, and I heard just an echo of what the Force was. And how what I was doing..." he looked away from me, "I think I loved her, but it wasn't that kind of love. It was the kind of love where you're willing to give up everything for someone you don't even know."

I felt pain and regret from him, it was almost overwhelming. I got up from my seat and walked over to him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, "Perhaps she felt the greater good would be served with your salvation."

"Maybe. It doesn't matter... I killed her for crawling in my head, for showing me that. But before she opened her mind to mine, my only thought was that I would love to kill her. And in the end... I killed her because I loved her..."

I stared sympathetically down at him, "That's a lot to bear, Atton..." I could almost feel the pain and regret from inside him. I wished I could of eased it a little, but what could I do?

"In the end, she sacrificed herself to keep my secret, to prevent the Sith from knowing about that touch of the Force inside me. She wasted her life to save me. Me." he sighed, "And I felt her die, when she opened her mind. I've killed Jedi like I said, but I was never there to feel it, to be on the receiving end. And after that, I couldn't stop feeling things- before, guilt, lust, impatience, it had been orchestrated to get close,- now, it all just kept tumbling out- and I couldn't keep doing what I was doing. So I left. I fled with the displaced war veterans to Nar Shaddaa and I lost myself there, until the war came to an end. I wanted no more of Jedi, or Dark Jedi, or the Force. I just wanted to be left alone." he looked up at me, "And then... I met you on Peragus."

"Atton-" he interrupted me.

"And I thought, maybe, maybe she had saved me so that I could help you. And if I can't, then I have to try..." I was speechless, "I didn't want to tell you this. But... I had to. Because, if something happens, I can't let you think I was doing it for something other than the past."

I smiled softly at him and brushed away the tears that still lingered in his eyes, "Then... I welcome your help- and your honesty."

I'm glad we had this confrontation, it was better for me to have known about this now. I still need some time to fully register everything, but I will. I think this was some kind of test- for both of us... to see if we could handle confronting our past, learn to forgive, and move on past this. This will strengthen us for the future ahead. I know he regrets everything he did in the past, I can feel it and see it in his eyes. It brings him so much pain, and hopefully... I can help ease that pain. There is no doubt in my mind... I love him... I truly do... despite his past. Right now isn't the best time to discuss our feelings... maybe after all this... after I fully confront my past and stop the Sith threat... we'll have that time.

Author's Notes: And that's chapter 7! Did I fool anyone with the dream sequence? I hope it wasn't too dark. Heh. Atton and Alanah have that issue resolved and things are going to get better between them. Yes, I know... I left out the part where Alanah turns Atton into a Jedi... that will be for the next chapter. And just because the 'Atton's Dark Past' issue is gone, doesn't mean I haven't got anymore drama for them. Oh no... more drama will test their relationship... even though they don't really have a romantic relationship at this time. Review now! Oh, and sorry for all the little mistakes I might have missed while proof reading...
Reviewer Responses

Kuramas Girl Angel- Yeah, I remember that, I hated Kreia even more for that. Does he love me or not! It's a simple yes or no question! Don't give me all that cryptic mumbo jumbo. Thanks for the review!

Kitome-chan- Aimo is simply amazing! Just looking at some of her art inspires me to write a story behind it. :blush: Yes, I realized a had quiet a few errors. Sorry about that. I must have missed those when I read it over before submitting it. Thanks for reviewing!

Melanie K. Schultz- :grins: That has to be one of my favorite parts; Atton getting slapped... twice I might add. Thank you for reviewing!

nath- Thanks for reviewing! The rave was a challenge to write, but I love challenges. I didn't know how to really approach it in a way that didn't sound too stupid or too cheesy. I really wanted this story to focus on the exile's and Atton's emotions. How they feel for each other and what not. I really want to emphasize the Exile's emotions during Atton's confession. I hope I did it nicely. I also added a lot of emotion on Atton's part. In the game you don't really get the feeling he regrets what he did. I wanted to change that. Did I pull it off?

Obsidian Thirteen- Thanks for reviewing! Is it perfect now? Wait... it won't reach the height of perfection until it's fully finished. Ah:runs off to write the next chapter:

N. Snicket- Thanks for reviewing! Did I watch Futurama? Which episode? Why, did this chapter remind of a particular episode?

FlyHigh4Life- Thanks for reviewing! Yay! Thank you for putting me in your favs :huggles:

THANK YOU TO ALL MY WONDERFUL REVIEWERS AND READERS AS WELL!