Emotions

Chapter 8: Meditation Envy and the Force

Disclaimer: Starwars: KOTOR II: TSL belongs to Lucas Arts, Bio-ware, and Obsidian.

Alanah's POV

'I hate the rain...' I said mentally in my head, bitter about my current situation.

We arrived near Onderon, only to be shot down by a large fleet of ships. Then, with Atton's oh so impressive piloting skills, we crashed on Dxun, a place I certainly did not want to revisit. Not to my surprise, the Ebon Hawk was badly damaged and definitely in no condition to fly. So, while Atton, Bao-Dur, Mira, HK-47, GO-TO, and T3-M4 stayed behind to try to repair the ship, Visas, Kreia, Mical, and I went to explore our surroundings. After dealing with Duro bounty hunters and many beasts, we came across a small group of Mandalorians. They took us to their base camp and we met with their leader, Mandalore. He eventually was kind enough to take Kreia and I to Iziz, a city on Onderon. There, I eventually met with Master Kavar, but our meeting was brief and interrupted by Colonel Tobin and his men. We escaped back to Dxun unscathed, but we wouldn't be able to return to Iziz for some time. Which meant another meeting with Maser Kavar would be postponed til then, much to my inconvenience. Mandalore, Kreia, Visas, Mical, and I soon returned to the Ebon Hawk, which fortunately was repaired enough to fly.

"Hey, welcome back, I take from the not so pleased look on your pretty face that everything didn't go as plan." Atton remarked as he appeared from the cockpit, smirking. We entered the main hold of the Ebon Hawk, dripping wet from the jungle rain.

I frowned at him, "Nothing ever goes as plan for us." He chuckled in response.

After introducing our new crew member, Mandalore, and filling in Atton, Mira, Bao-Dur, T3, HK, and GO-TO news about what happened on Iziz, I went straight to the cockpit with Atton following me. I ignored the fact I was still dripping wet from the rain.

"So, since Onderon is a bust, where are we going now?" Atton asked as he threw a dry towel at me.

I caught with ease and peered at the galaxy map while wrapping the towel around my wet hair. I froze when I found out what planet was next. 'Korriban...'

"You ok?" I heard Atton ask as he walked over and peered over my shoulder. "Oh..."

I have been dreading going to Korriban since I learned that Master Vash was there. It meant I would soon have to go there myself and face all that dark energy Korriban was haunted with. 'Why the Force would Master Vash go there? Of all planets- she choose Korriban?' I looked over at Atton, behind me, "Set course for Korriban." I ordered, leaving him in the cockpit while I headed for the port dormitory.

I entered the dormitory and noticed Kreia meditating. I paid no mind and walked over to my bunk, kneeled down, opened the drawer, and started looking for something other than Jedi robes to wear.

"Exile."

I stopped shuffling through my things and looked behind me, at Kreia, "Yes Kreia? Do you need something?"

She kept her form in the meditating position, "I wish to discuss something of importance with you."

I glanced back at my things, stood up, walked over, and kneeled down in front of her, "What would you like to discuss, Kreia."

"We are heading for Korriban next, are we not?" she asked.

"Yes, I already informed Atton to set course for Korriban. We should we arriving there in at least one standard week."

I noticed her demeanor grow serious, "It would be wise of you to use this time to meditate- you and the party members you plan to take with you."

I raised an eyebrow, "You will not be accompany me on Korriban?"

"I will not set foot on a planet so... so teeming with dark energy, but I will keep contact with you telepathically." she informed me.

I nodded understandingly, "I understand, Kreia. Visas and someone else shall disembark on Korriban with me."

"Will you have one of your padawans accompany you and the blind one?" I shook my head, "Oh? And why not?"

"I feel they are not ready to encounter such a powerful dark energy Korriban emits. They are inexperienced when it comes to dealing with the darkside. I fear... I fear they may not have the will power to ignore such a temptation." I replied honestly. "Mira, Mical, and Bao-Dur are talented with the Force, that may be true, but they have never experienced such energy. They have never walked in the dark places as Visas and I have. It would be foolish of me as their Master to allow them to be scarred in such a way."

"That... that is a very wise decision." Kreia commented, a little amazed.

"Thank you, now if you will excuse me." I got up, walked over to my drawer, quickly found some clothing, closed the drawer, and walked out of the room to the refresher.

Atton's POV

Few Hours Later...

I walked around the Ebon Hawk until I came to the lounge. I peaked inside and frowned when I saw only Mira there, sitting in a booth, lazily reading a magazine. I was about to walk away when, I guess, she noticed me, "If you're looking for Alanah, lover boy, she's in cargo hold."

"What?"

She rolled her eyes, "Men are so easy to read." she said sarcastically under her breath, "It's obvious you're looking for Alanah. She's in the cargo hold like she always is."

"She isn't meditating, is she?" I asked curiously, ignoring her earlier comment about men.

"Maybe, the last time I saw her, she was meditating with Mical." she shrugged as she flipped a page.

I frown, 'What the hell is she doing with him?' I honestly didn't like the kid. Mr. Know-It-All-Hero-Prince-Charming-Wannabe. It was obvious he adored Alanah; the way he did whatever she said without question and of course how he would gaze at her when she wasn't looking. I growled.

"Meditation envy?" I looked over at Mira and saw her smirk.

I glared at her, "Why don't you go sit on a rocket?"

"Calm down- what's your problem with Mical anyways."

I frowned, "My problem? What's your's? I don't know you or anybody can trust him."

Mira raised an eyebrow, "He's ok, once you get to know him a little better."

I scoffed, "Yeah, right... are you falling in love with him too?"

Mira laughed, "Oh I see now! So I was right- you're so jealous of Mical and his relationship with Alanah!"

"Me? Jealous of him? Yeah right, Red." I crossed my arms, "And like Alanah would go for a guy like that."

"He is ok... he's like a person who watched too many holovids..." she shrugged, "or teaches them... But he'd get beaten to death on Nar Shaddaa almost as soon as he landed, though."

"You're right about that- he is boring." I leaned on the door frame.

"Still..." she flipped another page from the magazine, "That puts him a few ranks up the ladder from you."

"And what's that suppose to mean, Red? I am in no way as boring as he is."

She looked up from her magazine, "No, you're more like a shifty, lying idiot with a tendency to complain about every little thing and offer only small bits of helpful advice if pressured."

I felt my right eye twitch, "I don't like you- you know that, right?"

"Hey, don't take it so personally! I mean... you are better than most of the people I know or met from Nar Shaddaa."

"Thanks." I mumbled sarcastically, walking off.

As I walked down the hallway I heard Mira yell, "And stop watching her. She's got enough problems."

'Damn that woman was annoying! She almost made me forget what I wanted to talk to Alanah about.' Why is it that this ship is half filled with women and they are either manipulating witches, crazy redheads, or creepy blinded Jedi. Then there was Alanah, but she was the only less annoying woman here.' I walked pass the medbay and noticed Mical inside, meditating. 'Does he always meditate? Sheesh... at least he isn't meditating alone with Alanah.' I walked over to the entrance of the cargo hold and looked inside.

There was Alanah in the far end of the room, standing in front of some empty metal crates with some old blasters or vibro blades laying around. I noticed that she let her hair out, instead of putting it in her regular hairstyle. I knocked on the metal frame of the cargo hold entrance to get her attention, "Hey."

She turned her head and looked back at me, "Oh, hey Atton." she placed a blaster inside the crate walked over to me.

I blinked at her outfit. I was expecting her to be wearing one of her Jedi robes, but instead she wore something very different, "Nice outfit, tired of Jedi robes?" I asked, smirking. She was wearing a short black sleeveless turtle neck, which gave a perfect view if her perfectly flat stomach, the top part of her gray tunic hung around her slim waste while the sleeves were in a loosely tied knot in front, black pants, and black boots.

"Eyes up here, Pazaak head." She ordered, pointing to her face. I grinned sheepishly, "So what are you doing here? You usually stay in the cockpit unless you need the refresher, or if you're hungry, or thirsty, or if you need to tell me something." she raised an eyebrow, "And who is piloting if you're here?"

"The ships on auto-pilot and T3 is watching over it, so don't worry." I answered, "But, there is something I do want to talk to you about."

She tilted her head, "Sounds serious... very well, what would you like to talk about?" As I walked in, she waved her hand towards the entrance and the hatch closed immediately and the lock clicked.

"Neat trick." I complemented.

"Thanks," she crossed her arms and looked at me, "So... what did you want to discuss?"

I looked seriously at her, "I wanted to thank you... for still accepting me and... and not hating me after I told you of my past."

Her eyes softened, "We all did things in the past that we regret, but that doesn't mean we should be judged by past mistakes. Especially, if we showed remorse over it and that we are different from the past. Standing in front of me is Atton Rand, the smart ass, pazaak-playing pilot. Not..." she paused for a minute, looking perplexed, "Not whatever your real name is, the Jedi assassin. That isn't who you are anymore and I know that."

"My real name is Jaq..." I answered solemnly.

"Right... the point is... I could never hate you... you..." she looked straight into my eyes, "... you are too important to me..."

I stepped forward and, maybe caught up in the moment, I held her gently in my arms. I felt her tense up slightly, but soften as she returned my embrace. At that moment, I wanted to tell her everything I felt for her. To tell her how important she was to me... how I would do anything to protect her... I-I desperately wanted to tell her... how much I loved her... but... I couldn't... I couldn't gain the courage to... not at this moment anyways.

"Once, a Jedi showed me the force... I heard it, I felt it. But, at that time, there was too much pain to confront it- because if I did, it meant I would be changed into something else." I looked down at her and she looked up at me with a confused expression, "Now, I'm not afraid of it anymore."

"Atton... are you sure you want learn how to use the Force? It is not as easy it looks." she asked.

I nodded, "I think that by learning how to use it- I can help protect you. Or a least buy you some time when disaster comes screaming in." I winked down at her.

"You don't have to protect me, Atton. I don't want you getting hurt because of me."

"I'll get hurt either way," I joked, "But still, I want to learn how to use the Force. I want to learn how to use the Force to help you."

She broke our embrace and smiled up at me, "Then, I'll train you, Atton."

"What must I do? Is there some... some kind of ritual, or...?"

Alanah shook her head and giggled slightly. She then took my hand and lead me to the center of the room, "Sit." she instructed, doing so herself. "Just close your eyes, open your mind, and focus on only my voice." I did as she told me to do and waited for further instructions, "You must learn to feel it around you, feel its currents, its eddies..." I focused on her voice and tried to feel the Force. I felt an echo of it, just like I did before when that Jedi showed me the Force long ago. Only this time, the echo was getting stronger. "Listen to the echo of your thoughts, your heart- separated from war, separated from hate." I listened to my thoughts, pushing away the hate and anguish caused by the war, "Think of what you felt when you felt the need to help me, to protect me." The Force grew stronger around me, it was not an echo anymore...

"And at last, Atton... awaken..."

Author's Notes: And finally, Atton is Jedi-fied. I had such a frustrating time with this chapter. I actually wrote the first chapter eight a few days ago, but it sucked. So I rewrote it, and this is the rewrite that I am more pleased of. I have no idea of what to write for the next chapter. I may just write about Atton's Jedi training, but I don't know... I'll spend a day or two brainstorming... Anyways, I hoped you like this chapter. If you didn't notice, I revised the 'Meditation Envy' scene between Atton and Mira. I used the lines from the cut content of the game, since it's more amusing, and I added some things of my own in that scene. It sucked that Obsidian cut so much great material from the game. They cut some very good Atton moments that would've made you look at Atton in a different light. Damn you, Obsidian! Bio-ware better be the one making KOTOR 3!
Reviewer Responses:

Kuramas Girl Angel- Heh, I couldn't remember Atton's lines either, but I just went back to the game and got them. :shrugs: Sorry this chapter took so long, I was so frustrated with this cause I wanted to have the Exile turn Atton to a Jedi, but I had no idea how to put it in this chapter. Thanks for reviewing!

nath- :blush: Yeah, I noticed all the misspellings after I submitted it. But, thanks for pointing them out. I seem to always over look them some how... I'm glad I pulled of chapter 6 and 7 so well. Capturing both Atton's and the Exile's emotions during those scenes were really important to me. Thanks for reviewing!

N. Snicket- Yeah, I remember that episode! I can see how my rave scene reminded you of that scene from Futurama. Thanks for reviewing!

Nini N.Snicket's Sis- Without a computer for three days! I can barely stand not going on the computer for two days. I go insane without it. :lol: Hopefully, Bio-ware will do KOTOR 3. They would do so much better with the romance plot. Have you played Jade Empire? The romance plot there was absolutely beautiful. It even had a full kissing scene between your character and their love interest. Imagine a full kissing scene with Carth&(Fem)Revan or Atton&(Fem)Exile. :swoon: Kreia always frustrated me... she was a good character with a lot of depth though, but it was so easy to lose influence with her. Especially if you're a lightsider. I hated her in the end, how she betrays you and how she has been manipulating your character from the beginning. Thanks for reviewing!