A GUNDAM WING CHRISTMAS CAROL
Disclaimer
Come on, do you seriously believe I own Gundam Wing? If I did, then I promise you that it would be more interesting, as you are soon to witness. And all Charles Dickens stories are belong to him.
Author's Note
I actually wrote this "story" quite a while ago, in December 2003 I believe. I had actually forgotten about it until I was leafing through some old documents and happened to stumble across it. I figured that I should upload it to my account for the holiday season, and so here it is, after thorough touching-ups and editing. I really hope you, the reader, enjoy it. Happy holidays!
The Unfortunate Cast
Heero Yuy - Ebenezer Scrooge
Relena - Fan (not as in "fan girl"; there is a character called Fan in the story)
Quatre Reberba Winner - Bob Cratchit
Sally Po - Mrs. Cratchit (with a very brief role)
Zechs Marquise - Tiny Tim (why, you ask? The keyword is 'tiny')
Duo Maxwell - Jacob Marley
Chang Wufei - Ghost of Christmas Past
Trowa Barton - Ghost of Christmas Present
Duo Maxwell - Ghost of Christmas Future
(Yes, Duo plays two roles. I just didn't want him to stay as a flat pancake forever. (Vividly explained a little later.) And yes, Heero actually speaks more than three words every time in this "play". Heck, he's the main character! It may be OOC, but who cares? Gyah.)
Act One: Ebenezer Yuy
Narrator: "It was a pleasant day in Mobilesuitville, and it was Christmas Eve. Little pint-sized brats ran around like crazed lunatics, screaming their lungs out and driving their suffering parents to the very point of insanity and anguish, and many happier people bustled about to take care of their last-minute Christmas shopping, but not Ebenezer Yuy, the meanest man in Mobilesuitville!"
Heero: "Ebenezer…Yuy…"
Narrator: "Yes, that's what I said."
Heero: "Mobilesuitville…"Narrator: "Do you need a hearing aid or something! Anyway, we are waiting for you!
Heero: "………"
Narrator: "Say it!"
(weeks pass)
Narrator: "Well, we're waiting!"
Heero: "I refuse to accept your incredulous demand."
Narrator: "Come on, Heero…erm, Ebenezer! It's only one damn line!"
Heero: "One line can bring a thousand deaths."
Narrator: "Yes and the first fatality has your name written all over it! SAY IT!"
Heero: "…bah…"Narrator: "Go on!"
Heero: "…humbug…"Narrator: "Now say it all together!"
Heero: "Bah…humbug…"Narrator: "There, that wasn't so hard was it?"
(Heero blasts the narrator's head off with a shotgun)
Heero: "Mission accomplished."
Act Two: Rewind, Recap, and Reenactment
Editor: "Yeah, um, you shouldn't have read that. I am terribly sorry about the inconvenience; we wanted this to turn out to be a cute, warm and fuzzy play based on the famous novel by Charles Dickens, but instead it's turning into a freak massacre. Please excuse this…Yuy does not like to play things other peoples' way. I warned Quatre about this…anyway, allow me to apologize again and rewind this. To recap:"
Narrator: "Now say it all together!"
Heero: "Bah…humbug…"Narrator: "There, that wasn't so hard was it?"
Heero: "Omae o korosu…"
Narrator: "Moving right along…Ebenezer was well known for his cold attitude and dark presence. He hated Christmas more than anything else, but he loved the cold. He even kept his shop below subzero temperatures…much to the grief of his coworkers. The next scene takes place in Yuy's office, called 'Yuy and Maxwell'. Jacob Maxwell once worked with Yuy, but due to a little accident on the battlefield with mobile suits he was squashed flat as a pancake, scraped up with a spatula, and buried in a flat coffin a day later. There was much grief…which lasted about five minutes and then everyone forgot all about it. Anyway, here we see Ebenezer enter his shop and provide much abuse to his coworker, Mr. Bob Cratchit."
(Heero looks at Quatre with a raised eyebrow)
Heero: "Bob Cratchit?" (snicker)
Quatre: (glares) "Erm…Mr. Scrooge—"
Heero: "YUY!"
Quatre: (cringes) "Eh, Mr. Yuy, it is Christmas Eve and, well…I would really much like the day off tomorrow…"
Heero: "Save me the whining and get out of here before I kill you."
Quatre: "Yay, thank you Mr. Scrooge!" (runs out the shop)
Heero: (calling after him, firing at the sky with his pistol in anger) "YUY, BAKA, YUY!"
Narrator: "Yes, well…that went as planned, except when he threatened to kill one of the people in the play…AGAIN!"
(narrator glares at Heero, who is transmitting a death-glare back)
Narrator: "Anyway, the next scene takes place in Scrooge's…erm, Yuy's house."
(camera switches perspective and zooms in on a traditional little Japanese house)
Narrator: "Ain't that cute?"
Heero: "I swear I will kill you."
Act Three: Maxwell's Ghost
Narrator: "And so, Yuy settled in his house, with no warmth provided spare a tiny fireplace. Like I said, he worshipped the cold…it matches his cold heart."
(narrator receives very evil death-glares from Heero off-stage, and he shuts-up)
Narrator: "Erm, anyway, Yuy in the next scene is in his jammies, sitting in a chair reading a monthly Guns, Nudies, and Mobile Suits magazine he gets in the mail, when all of a sudden, the clock near him started acting crazy, its arms spinning wildly out of control!"
Heero: "Damn clock." (shoots it and it dies)
Narrator: "Eh…okay, I guess that works, too; anything to curve your fear, eh?"
Heero: (sarcastic) "Yeah, I'm shivering."
Narrator: "And then, not a second later, the fireplace goes out!"
Heero: "Damn fireplace." (throws a grenade at it and it explodes)
Narrator: "Now that was uncalled for; why do you have to kill and blow up everything in sight!"
Heero: "Because it's fun; let's move on."
Narrator: sigh "And then, suddenly, a terrifying noise came from outside Yuy's door!"
Voice: "Scr-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooge!"
Heero: "It's Yuy, baka, YUY!"
Voice: "Okay, okay, geez relax! Damn, I just don't get paid enough to do this!"
Narrator: "Err…so anyway, a ghost weighted down with chains staggers into the room! Heero recoils in horror at the sight of his own old coworker: MAXWELL!"
Heero: "Oh, great, I thought he was gone for good."
Duo: "Hey, meanie! I'm the one who has to drag these things around!"
Narrator: "You're supposed to recoil! RECOIL, YUY!"
Heero: (twitches his eye)Narrator: "And wouldn't you know it! That's all it takes!"
Duo: "I could've done better."
Heero: "Baka…"
Narrator: "Anyway…so then, while Heero sits ahem paralyzed with fear in his chair, Maxwell's ghost begins to speak!"
Duo: "Yo what up my homey G-dawg? Erm, I mean, what is up with thyself?"
Heero: "………"
Duo: "Geez, man, give me a break! I don't know any old English!"
Heero: "Well don't look at me, I'm Japanese."
Duo: "Funny how you don't look Japanese at all, though…(cough) poser (cough). Ummm, I mean, I have come to inform ye that three Ghosts shall pay a slight visit to thy house."
Heero: (feigned angst) "Oh no, whatever shall I do?"
(narrator slaps himself for choosing Heero as main character)
Duo: "These Ghosts shall come to ye soon; the first, the Ghost of Christmas Past, at midnight. The second, the Ghost of Christmas Present, shall appear at one. And finally, the third and last, the Ghost of Christmas Future, shall come at twelve again."
Heero: "That doesn't make sense."
Duo: "Well, don't blame me! I wasn't the one who wrote the book!"
Heero: "Whatever."
Duo: "Yeah…so, like I said, the first shall appear—"
Heero: "I HEARD YOU ALREADY NOW GET OUT, BAKA!"
Duo: "EYAH!"
(Duo bolts out of the room as fast as he can with various, heavy objects flying after him)
Heero: "Damn ass…"
Narrator: "I don't believe this…so anyway, Yuy went to bed—"
Heero: "Bed already? It's six o'clock, baka! Or perhaps it is the jetlag…"
Narrator: "YUY WENT TO BED—"
Heero: "Pushy Americans…"
(he plops onto a fake, cardboard bed)
Narrator: "And he fell asleep, not the least bit worried over Maxwell's words."
Heero: "I am just worried that he'll kill himself going down those stairs…"
(crashes are heard in the background and curses)
Heero: "…sorry about that, Duo…"
Duo: "DEMONS BE EXTRACTED FROM THAT MAN NAMED YUY! Erm, I mean…I'm okay!"
(footsteps are heard hurrying off)
Narrator: "Right…and so, Yuy falls sound asleep—"
Heero: "That will require a couple gallons of sake…"
Narrator: "YUY FALLS SOUND ASLEEP—"
Heero: "Damn baka narrator…"
(Heero pretends to fall asleep)
Narrator: "And six hours later he is awoken to confront the first Ghost."
Heero: "Ooooh, I just can't bear the suspense."
Narrator: "Back to sleep, Yuy, NOW!"
Heero: "Geez…they'd better give me that check they promised me after this…"
Act Four: The Ghost of Christmas Past
Narrator: "And so, precisely six hours later—"
Heero: "It's been ten seconds, baka."
Narrator: "Six hours later, Heero is awoken by the chiming of the grandfather clock as it struck twelve. Then, a strange glowing surrounds him!"
Heero: "Gah, my eyes! I'm blinded!" (falls over and flails)
Voice: "Wake up, fool, and writhe in helpless fear at my expense!"
Narrator: "Eh…Wufei, you're supposed to be the voice of reason, NOT the voice of vengeance."
Heero:"Wufei!"
Wufei: "That's right, fool…erm, Yuy!"
Heero: "Can the engineers please dim the lights a bit?"
(the lights dim, and Heero gasps)
Heero: "Um, Wufei…"
Wufei: (sigh) "I know, I know."
Heero: "Why in the seven hells are you wearing a dress?"
Wufei: "I SAID I KNOW! This is complete dishonour!"
(he grabs a fist full of the dress and splices it to bits with his katana)
Wufei: "DISHONOUR!"
(people off-stage and Heero recoil in terror as Wufei takes out his katana, only to smash the bed to tiny bits of scrap paper)
Wufei: "Forgive me, father."
Heero: "Eh…okay."
Wufei: "Ahem…anyway, fall to your knees in my very shadow, for I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, your past!"
Heero: "Isn't the first Ghost supposed to be a gir-"
Wufei: "I TOLD YOU I KNOW ALREADY! SHUT-UP, DISHONOUR!"
Heero: "Okay, okay, relax before you burst a blood vessel!"
Wufei: "As I was saying, I am the first Ghost. I shall now take you back to your past on the Eve of Christmas ten years ago. Take my hand…"
Heero: "And why would I do that?"
Wufei: "TAKE MY HAND OR I WILL KILL YOU!"
Heero: "Don't have an aneurism, 'Fei, geez."
(Heero grasps Wufei's hand limply with his thumb and second finger)
Wufei: "Are you sure that you want to hold on that lightly and fall into oblivion when we take to our little trip?"
Heero: "Are you sure that you will live to tell your tale if you make me hold your hand like a little child in public?"
Wufei: "…okay, fair enough."
Narrator: "And so, Past and the lightly-clinging Yuy levitate into the air and fly out of his window and over the sleeping houses of Mobilesuitville."
Heero: "I feel the need to out point our obvious low budget to the half-dead viewers at home. Wufei and I are being suspended by fishing wire with a fan blowing in our face, dangling in front of a giant green screen, and Mobilesuitville is actually a very crappy model of houses made of Popsicle sticks with bits of cotton being dropped onto it to serve as the pathetic imitation of snow."
Narrator: "SHUT-UP, YUY!"
Wufei: "Wow that was the longest thing you have ever said since I have known you!"
Heero: "Well, I am getting paid to do this."
Narrator: "I didn't pay you to make me look bad, so shut-up and get it right!"
Heero: "Baka…"
Narrator: "And so, the Ghost and Yuy ahem land in front of his old school."
Wufei: "Here we are. Do you recognize this place?"
Heero: "Well, it looks just like the cardboard box in my garage…"
Wufei and Narrator: "HEERO!"
Heero: "Okay, okay! Yes, I recognize it! It was where I was taught how to shoot people!"
Narrator: sigh "I suppose I can't argue with that."
Wufei: "I would rather splice them…" (fingers katana)
Heero: nervous "Erm, yeah, so why are we here?"
Wufei: "Look in the window there."
Narrator: "Heero looks into the window—"
Heero: "I can't see a damn thing! The 'window' is just a square drawn on the side of this cardboard box!"
Narrator: "Heero looks into the window, and gasps at the sight of his younger self."
Heero: "…gasp…"
Wufei: "Erm, yes. See, you are sitting all alone, and all the other children were keeping a safe distance from you."
Heero: "Yeah, because I was loading my guns. No one wants to be around me when I am bonding with my babies."
Wufei: "No, you were not loading guns! You didn't go here to kill, either! You came here to learn; it's a school!"
Heero: "Exactly, it's a school where they teach you how to shoot, and that is what I learned."
Wufei: "They were staying away from you because you hated Christmas, you psycho!"
Heero: "Oh yeah…the remorse is too great for me."
Wufei: (sigh) "Let us move on…"
Narrator: "In the next scene, they are shown standing outside a bar, and they go up to the window to look inside."
Wufei: "Now, see there? Do you recognize that young girl standing by the bar, and the young man sitting there in the corner, alone, while others are dancing and having a good time?"
Heero: (squints at cardboard) "Nope…I can't say I recognize them."
Wufei: "The young girl is Fan, your childhood sweetheart, and that young man is you, Yuy."
Heero: "Eh…whatever you say, Wufei."
Wufei: "SPIRIT!"
Heero: "…Spirit…"
Wufei: "Now, watch…do you remember this scene?"
(as Heero blinks in confusion while still staring at the cardboard, the frustrated 'Fei grabs his hair and pulls his head up to see a stage that had been rolled out)
Narrator: "As they look from the safety of the window, Yuy watches Fan trot up to his younger self."
(Heero is shocked to see Relena bound onto the stage)
Heero: "What the…Relena's in this, too! And who the heck is playing me…TREIZE! He's older than me for crying out loud!"
Relena: (prances up to Treize) "Hi, Ebenezer!"
(Treize is staring into space)
Relena: (pokes him) "You're Ebenezer right now, Treize…"
Treize: "Oh yeah, sorry about that…um, hi."
Relena: (waves in his face) "HI!"
Treize: (cringes) "Ehhh…yeah, hi…"
Relena: "Would you like to dance with me, Yuy?"
Heero: "NOOOO! RELENA HOW COULD YOU!"
Relena: "Jesus, Heero, it's only a play and I'm just asking him to dance! It's not like I am asking us to have—"
Narrator: "RELENA!"
Relena: "…tea…"
Heero: "Whatever…" (fingers his pistol, ready for Treize to make a wrong move)
Treize: "Uh…I'd love to dance with you, Relena…" (glances nervously at Heero)
Relena: "YAY!"
(they dance, and Heero is fuming)
Heero: "Get your hands off my girl, you rake!"
Treize: "…rake?"
Relena: "Shut-up, Heero!"
(Heero sits back, sulking)
Heero: "This scene sucks! I don't wanna be in it no more!" (starts sucking his thumb)
Wufei: "Okay that does it, I can't take this! I can't work with this stuck-up fool and I especially can't act like a total idiot in a dress! I quit!"
Heero: "Uh, sorry…"
Wufei: "I do not accept your apology! You have destroyed my pride and the code of my family! DISHONOUR, DISHONOUR!"
(everyone watches Wufei storm off the set with his dress flurrying behind him)
Narrator: "Well, I guess we can stop this scene, for it hasn't been working out too well…"
(the narrator cringes as a door slams, saying that Wufei has officially left the building)
Heero: "Cross-dressing freak."
Narrator: "And now, we shall move on to the next scene at last."
Heero: "Geez, does anyone get bathroom breaks around here?"
Narrator: "Moving right along…"
Act Five: The Ghost of Christmas Present
Narrator: "Now, here we see Yuy back in his…erm, slightly shredded 'bed'. Thinking that his encounter with the Ghost was just a dream, he went back to sleep."
Heero: "I keep telling you that in my world sleep must require several gallons of sake!"
Narrator: "Do you honestly think of me as that stupid?"
Heero: "Hai."Narrator: (ignores him) "And so, Yuy slept soundly for a while…until the clock struck one o'clock and he awoke abruptly!"
Heero: "Damn clock!" (blasts it to pieces with his gun)
Trowa: "You have some serious anger management problems, Yuy."
Heero: "Trowa! So I guess the whole gang's here, eh?"
Trowa: "I am the Ghost of Christmas Present…your present."
Heero: "Hey, newsflash for you: I don't get along well with Ghosts, so just watch your back, okay?"
Trowa: "Yeah, Yuy, I'm terrified. But now let me lead you to the present world."
Heero: "Oh great, not this again…"
Narrator: "And suddenly, a blinding light surrounded them!"
(huge spotlights beam onto the two, ahem, actors)
Heero: "MY EYES THEY BURN!"
Trowa: (wearing reflective sunglasses) "Ah, don't be a sissy."
Narrator: "And the next thing the wailing Yuy knew, the light faded and they were in a different location; this time standing outside a run-down house."
Trowa: "Are you okay, Yuy?"
(Heero is stumbling around with his hands out and his eyes rolled up, and he falls over)
Heero: "I am blind!"
Trowa: "No, you're not. Get up, you self-destructing fool, and look in that window there."
Heero: "Man, do I have to look in a damn window every time?"
(he looks in the 'window')
Heero: "You know it amazes me how I cannot see…"
Trowa: "I KNOW!"
Heero: "Omae o korosu …"
Trowa: "Now, look in the window. What do you see?"
(Heero is about to give him usual answer but Trowa kicks him in the shins)
Heero: "Ow, you freak that hurt! …I see Quatre, Sally Po, and…ZECHS MARQUISE!"
Trowa: "…Tiny Tim."
Heero: "Meh…"
Zechs: "Laugh and I will destroy you!"
(Heero struggles to hold back explosive laughter)
Trowa: "Yeah…anyway, because the Cratchits are so poor they cannot afford Tiny Tim's medical bills…and in a few days he will die."
Heero: "Yea death to Zechs! Eh, I mean, that's terrible!"
Trowa: "Anyway, you shall be visited by the last Spirit soon, the Ghost of Christmas Future, your future, at the stroke of midnight. Now, I must go…my bladder's about to explode."
(Trowa rushes off stage, and Heero and the others stare after him in bewilderment)
Narrator: "Okay, that was something that we did not need to know."
Heero: "I guess you do get bathroom breaks, then."
Narrator: "And so, with the Ghosts' last words, it vanished, leaving Heero alone. But something is not right; he is now in a graveyard, and fog started to surround him."
Heero: "This could be a great scene selection for the next Pet Semetary movie."
Narrator: "And, as usual, good old Yuy's abnormal mannerism keeps his hopes high. Tune in next time for the last part of our pointless, Broadway-shamed play."
Act Six: The Last Ghost and Wrap-Up
Narrator: "Last time on our pointless play, Yuy was left in a graveyard with thick fog. He is a bit frightened, and he looked around for the Spirit of Christmas Present and called for it. Suddenly, the mighty, towering clock above him struck twelve!"
Heero: "Damn clocks, leave me alone!"
Narrator: "Not even a second later a hooded figure arrived."
Hooded Figure: "Fear me, for I am the Ghost of Christmas Future! I bring dismay and despair to all! MUHAHAHAHA!"
Heero: "Let me guess…Duo, right?"
Duo: "Whoa, dude! I swear you must be psychic!"
Heero: "Nice dress…"
Duo: "You like it? I think its sooo cute! I got it at Victoria's Secret, and this shade of purple really reflects my evil, bubbly self! Ya know I should probably paint Deathscythe this colour!"
Heero: "Uh huh…"
Duo: "But now is not the time for me to admire myself, for I have all day to do that. For now, I shall reveal to you the most horrifying scene you will ever witness! MUHAHAHAHA!"
Heero: "And what would that be, the sight of you naked? That laugh is getting annoying, by the way."
Duo: "Hmph, why are you always such a grumpy-bunny? Anyway, look here, and tremble in fear! Hey, I can make a rhyme, that's too cool!"
Narrator: "Yuy followed where the Spirit was pointing and saw Tiny Tim's own tombstone!"
Heero: "Woo-hoo Zechs died! Eh, I mean…I grieve him so for his death."
Duo: "Oh so do I, he was such a cutie, trying to take over the world and all…now, look here!"
Narrator: "And behold, there stood Yuy's own tombstone!"
Heero: "Am I supposed to be scared of a tombstone made of cardboard with my initials scribbled sloppily on it with permanent marker?"
Duo: "Erm…well, yes! MUHAHAHAHA!"
Heero: "Duo, cut that laughter okay?"
Duo: (looks down with tears in his eyes) "I'm sowwy…"
Narrator: "And, in his despair, Yuy pleaded with the Spirit that it should not be so; that he would change."
Heero: "Woe is me."
Duo: "Your wish is my command!"
Heero: "Hallelujah, praise tha Lawd."
Narrator: "It was a miracle! Yuy wasn't dead, but in his own spliced bed!"
Duo: "Whoa dude you rhyme too, awesome!"
Heero: (shoves him offstage) "I'm gonna go kill people! Um, I mean…I feel like being nice and caring, and I feel warm and fuzzy inside!"
Narrator: "You worry me, Heero…and so, Yuy went out and celebrated Christmas with the Cratchit family, and everyone was happy that he was not a stuck-up, rude, arrogant, mean, grouchy, crabby, malicious, malevolent, wicked, cruel, evil person anymore."
Duo: (randomly jumps up onto the stage) "And that is how the cookie crumbles, folks!"
Heero: (shoves him offstage again) "Thank God this is over with. Now where's my check you promised me?"
Narrator: "Check? You never asked for a check! You personally volunteered to help raise money for the homeless shelter and Humane Society!"
Heero: "Agh, they're not supposed to know that I am a good person on the inside of my cold, heartless exterior!" (runs away)
Duo: "And so it was a happy ending, and I guess that Heero did make a good Scrooge after all!"
Treize: "Yeah, I just hope that he's good enough to not kill me…"
Wufei: "I will kill him! DISHONOUR!" (runs after Heero with katana)
Relena: "Awww, Wufei's so cute when he's mad! Maybe I should marry him instead of Heero!"
Quatre: (sigh)
Sally Po: "Hey you forgot me you stupid narrator freak!" (chases narrator while screaming her lungs out)
Trowa: "So I guess this is the end, huh?"
Quatre: "Yes, thank goodness."
Zechs: "I have to say that this play really changed me. I now feel like being kind to people and to not continue to be a ruthless murderer who cries whenever I watch Titanic. I am a new man, and I do not wish to turn back. And so with this in mind I would like to close the play with these words: God Bless Us, Every One! …Now if you'll excuse me, I have some business to take care of."
(jumps into Tallgeese XXXVIIXV and takes off)
Narrator: "And so Zechs disappears, laughing manniacally to destroy the world, and everyone else is happy."
Sally Po: "I'm not happy 'till you die!"
Narrator: "GYAH! That's all, folks!" (runs faster)