Emotions

Chapter 13: Betrayal and an Unspoken Confession

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything that is related to Star Wars: Knights of the old Republic II and never will.

(Flashback)- Atton's POV

"I'm going alone." Alanah answered, keeping her facial expressions unreadable.

The crew looked at her, all waiting for her explanation. I stood in the back, leaning against a wall near the entrance to the hallway that lead to security room and the cockpit. I frowned as I waited for her to continue.

"There is a private issue I need addressed. They will only address it if I meet with them alone." She gazed around the room one final time before walking off to the loading ramp, "Please wait for me here, I will return as soon as the meeting is over with."

In the corner of my eyes, I watch Kreia silently watch Alanah as she disappeared. Her frown deepened as she went back to the port dormitory.

I glanced back to where Alanah left to meet with the Jedi Masters and walked back to the cockpit, thinking, 'I have a bad feeling about this...'

It had been no later than 10 minutes after Alanah left to meet with the council alone. I amused myself with a mental game of pazaak while I waited for her return. I was able to shake off that bad feeling, but it still lingered in the back of my head. I stared down at my +2/-2 card and frowned, "Something isn't right..." I gathered my cards and placed them back into my deck and back into my robes. 'It's too damn quiet in here... I can't even hear the little trash can rolling around all over the ship or Mira complaining to herself.' I thought to myself as I stood up from my seat.

"Indeed, the silence is quite unnerving, isn't it?" Kreia mocked as she appeared out of no where.

My eyes narrowed, "What did you do to the rest of the crew?" I accused.

She smirked, "I see you aren't as foolish as I presumed earlier." her smirk disappeared and was replaced with deep frown, "They are unconscious and locked up- the bounty hunter, the disciple, the Miraluka, and the alien, Mandalore is locked in the cargo hold, and the droids have been temporarily disabled. And now... that leaves only you, 'Atton'.

"Goodie, I guess you saved the best for last." I replied sarcastically. I glared at the ugly wrinkled schutta while I reached inside my robes for my light saber.

"Are you attempting to fight me? If so, you know you can not win. It will be a foolish attempt." She sneered.

"Yeah, well, I've been meaning to pay you back for everything anyways. Either way, I'm not going to let you near Alanah." I swore protectively.

"Is that so?" she spat, incredulously.

The next thing I knew, two white figures appeared around me and I felt a great surge of pain flow through my body as the two figures jabbed bothan stunners at my sides. I collapsed on the floor, twitching in pain. "You are a fool, Atton. You are a fool that has nothing to offer the Exile... not even your protection." she mocked as she kneeled beside me.

"You... bitch." I growled angrily as I glared hatefully up at her.

She smirked evilly, "This is the end of everything, fool."

I screamed in agonizing pain as Kreia used Force Storm on me and I soon fell unconscious.

Alanah's POV

"And that is what I sought to figure out. How one can cut ones self from the Force and live."

"But, now, I understand..."

"You were... afraid..."

My eyes snapped open and I sat immediately up. I looked around frantically and slightly confused. My eyes fell upon three bodies a few feet from myself, "No!"

I struggled to my feet and ran over- almost tripping over due to dizziness- to the body of one of the Masters- Master Kavar, and knelt beside him. His body was limp on the ground- no trace of life left in him. No- it worse than that. His body, as well as the others, felt empty not only with life, but the Force as well.

I felt the sting of tears, unable to control themselves, begin to form in my eyes and blurring my vision. "This wasn't suppose to happen." I murmured helplessly, letting one tear fall freely. I felt my hands tighten up in a fist. I raised my right fist and slammed it on the ground, frustratingly. "What am I supposed to do now!" I yelled angrily up at the sky, as if I were screaming up to the heavens for an answer, a sign, anything! There were none...

I bit my lower lip as I gazed sadly up the clear blue skies of Dantooine. More tears fell freely from the corner of my eyes. "What am I going to do now? How can a wound save the galaxy?" I whispered hopelessly. For the first time, I was able to feel the emptiness inside of me- the wound. I wonder how it has gone unnoticed all this time by myself. Maybe I always knew it was there... I just never acknowledged it until now...

My eyes grew wide as I remember about my companions who still remained back in the Ebon Hawk. I staggered to my feet and ran back to their direction, not without leaving one final glance to the bodies that lay empty without the Force and life.

I ran up the loading ramp of the Hawk and looked around. The garage, the starboard dormitory, the cargo hold, the med lab, and the storage hold were all seal up tightly. I ran towards the cockpit, seeing it was the only room left open, from afar. Once I reached the entrance I gasped in horror, "Atton?"

I rushed to his side and knelt beside him, "Atton! Wake up, please!" I begged his unconscious form. I laid his head on my lap and gently caressed the side of his face, "Atton..." I whispered softly. I concentrated on the Force, using it to heal him and hopefully bring him out of his unconscious state.

His eyes began to flutter open and he looked around in a daze. He stared up at me, but then his eyes grew wide and he sat up. He spun around to face me, "Kreia, she-"

"I know, Atton." I interrupted him, staring at him sadly.

He closed his eyes and sighed, "The handmaidens from the Telos Academy, they were with her." He paused and looked at me. "You know where she's going, right?"

I nodded, "If she goes there, Atris- she will execute her. And, if that happens successfully, with the bond Kreia and I share- I will die along with her."

"I'm not going to let that happen!" He said sternly, placing his hands on my shoulders. He stared straight into my eyes, "I'm not going to let her harm you. I'll die before I let that happen."

I stared at him, shocked, "Please don't say that." I whispered softly, "It hurts too much to hear you say those words." I leaned forward and rested my forehead on his chest.

He tensed up at first, but soon wrapped his arms around me. We stayed like that for a few more seconds. For a brief moment, I felt safe... so safe. I found comfort in his arms, listening to his heart beat. He pulled away from me and said, "I'm going to set course for Telos. We have to get there before Kreia tries to do anything."

I nodded in agreement, "I will check on the others." I reluctantly pulled away from him and stood up to release the sealed doors and check on my other companions.

After I check on the rest of the crew members, I walked to the port dormitory and stared at the spot where Kreia used to meditate, 'She betrayed me...' I gave out a heavy sigh and balled up my hands in a tight first.

"Is something troubling you?"

I jumped slightly and looked back over my shoulder, "Oh, it's you Mical."

He gazed worriedly at me, "I'm sorry if I'm interrupting, but I sensed you were in... distress."

I glanced at him, but kept my back facing him, "I don't doubt that." I replied, doubtlessly.

"What do you mean by that?" he asked, slightly confused.

I finally turned around and faced him, staring at him intently, "Do you ever wonder why you follow me? Kill who I kill- help who I help?"

He grew silent and finally answered, "Never; I believe in what we are going. I especially believe in you, because you are a leader."

I stared down at the floor, "But, how do you know this simply isn't just the work of the Force?" I questioned him.

He shrugged, "I simply do." he paused for a second, "Is this about the Jedi Council? What did they tell you.?"

I glanced over to him briefly, "They said, that I'm a wound in the Force. That with my influence, I will lead others and all life to their deaths. And no matter what, I can never be healed."

There was a brief moment of silence before Mical replied, "Then... then they simply don't understand you, not like I do."

"What do you mean?" I asked, slightly confused.

I noticed light pink hue forming in his cheeks, "When I see you, I see hope for the galaxy- the hope for all life. When I look at you, I see a true leader that will save the galaxy. That is the thing with some Jedi, some are blinded and can not see that is truly in front of them." He walked over to me and placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder, "Alanah, I know you want to go through this alone, but I ask that you do not. Please, do not forsake life as you did an exile, instead, use it as your strength. We will always be here for you... because we will all believe in you."

I felt him remove his hand and heard the sound of his footsteps grow faint as he disappeared into the depths of the Ebon Hawk. 'They believe in me... but why don't I believe in myself?'

Atton's POV

I stood outside the entrance of the port dormitory, staring at the sealed entrance. She's been in there for about five standard hours now, refusing to talk to anyone else after Mical spoke to her and refusing to eat or drink anything. I stared down at the tray of food I held firmly in my hands. 'I can understand if she wants some alone time, but I sure as hell don't want her to starve herself to death.' I thought to myself, knocking on the metal door.

Nothing.

I bent down, set the food aside, and looked at the lock. There has never been a security lock I couldn't unlock, so before you could say, 'Pure pazaak', the doors to the port dormitory flew open. I grabbed the tray of food and walked casually inside. I walked straight to the first bunk, the bunk she used.

"Sorry in interrupt your 'me' time, but I thought-" I stopped mid-sentence, shocked at the current state of our leader, "Babe?"

She was leaning against the farthest corner of the bunk, she sat like a tightly formed ball and buried her face in her knees. She was no longer wearing her outer Jedi Robes, the brownish tunic, or her boots. Instead, she simply wore her black turtle neck sleeveless top and her tan leggings/pants. Her hair was hung loose and the gold ribbon she usually wore to wrap her hair up was tied around her thin left wrist. Alanah lifted her head up and stared tiredly at me with puffy red eyes, though no tear stains were evident on her face.

I set the tray near the opposite side of the bed and sat myself down the edge of the bed, near Alanah. We sat there in silence, until Alanah finally spoke up, "You didn't have to bring me food, I'm not hungry." Right on cue, there was a soft rumble from her stomach.

I smirked at her, "Sure doesn't sound like it." I turned around and picked up a plate and some eating utensils and held it to her face.

She looked warily at it and sighed as she grabbed the plate from me. She glanced over at the tray and asked, "Why is there another plate of food, you know I don't eat that much."

"Oh that, well, I didn't have dinner yet, so I thought I'd eat here with you." I answered, grabbing the plate and the other set of utensils. I looked over at her, "You don't mind, do you?"

She glance up from her plate and simply answered, "No, I guess not."

We ate in silence...well, actually she ate in silence. The only kind of response I could get out of her was either a nod or a 'uh huh'.

"Here, I'll take our plates back." I said as I reached for her empty plate that she placed beside her after she was finished eating.

"I'm sorry."

I looked back at her, questionably. "What?"

"I'm sorry," she apologized once again, "I'm sorry that I'm losing faith even in myself... I'm sorry for being this pathetic... I'm sorry for dragging you into my own problems... and I'm sorry I can't be stronger for you..." she turned her head away from me, closed her eyes tightly in hopes to stop the flood of her own tears that were already flowing down her cheeks, and bit her lower lip as she gave out a tiny sob.

Ignoring the empty plates, I reached over to her and wiped away the steady stream of her tears. "You're not giving up already? Are you?" She looked back at me with sad puffy eyes. "Because the Alanah I know, isn't the type of person to give up just because of a minor set back."

"Minor set back!" she choked, "Atton! The Jedi Masters have been killed, Kreia has betrayed us, the Sith are still on the loose, and I have no idea how to fix this minor set back."

"So? Did you know what exactly you were going to do after getting off Peragus?" I asked.

She looked down, "No..."

I cupped her cheek, so she was looking at me and not her lap, "How about after meeting with Atris?"

"No, but Atton, this is different. This time-"

"This time that old cryptic schutta isn't here to constantly hover over your shoulder ." I tucked a piece of stray hair behind her ear, "I've been around you long enough to know that you can get right back up from whatever set back you encounter. This set back isn't any different from the rest. Well, maybe a little, but... dammit, you get what I'm trying to say."

She grew silent again. Staring down at her lap. "Why are you here?" she asked suddenly. I looked over at her, unsure what she meant. She gazed at me with an expression I never saw her use before, "Why do you stick with me? Why do you follow me even against your own instincts or better judgement? Why?"

I sat back down on the edge of her bed and looked back at her intently, "Would you prefer if I had left after Telos or something?"

She turned her head to face me and replied, "I didn't mean I didn't want you here, it's just..." she paused of a second and frowned, "You didn't answer my question."

"Yeah, well, you didn't answer mine." I smirked at her.

"I asked first."

"I asked second."

"But, I asked first."

"But, I asked second."

"Atton..."

"Alanah..."

She sighed frustratingly, "Atton, I'm serious." she scolded. She sighed again and her green gray eyes gazed at me pleadingly, "I have to know. Why have you stuck with me all this time?"

"Why?" I thought out loud, 'Why did I choose to continue to follow this crazy Jedi everywhere she went?' While was in deep thought, she finally moved her little spot from the corner of her bunk and sat directly beside me. Waiting silently. I stare over at her from the corner of my eyes and continued to think. 'Why did I risk my own life just for her and for the sake of her 'mission'? Knowing me, I would have left a long time ago, but that was before. Now... now, I can't imagine being without her... I want to help her... I want to help protect her...I... "I just want to be with you." My eyes grew after realizing what I had just slipped out, 'Shit...'

"I mean- uh..." Smooth Rand... real smooth... 'Why don't you eat a poison dart already!' I argued with my subconscious. Why should I since it's so much fun witnessing you make an fool of yourself? 'Even my subconscious thinks I'm a fool?' A fool who is still talking to himself.

"Atton." Alanah whispered almost inaudibly.

I almost didn't hear her, but I did anyways. I turned over to her, kinda ashamed to even meet her gaze. To my surprise, a pair of soft lips cover my own. I was caught completely off guard, but I soon found myself kissing her back with as much tenderness as she was showing me. My hands found themselves wrapped around her slim waist as her hands roamed from my chest until one arm was around my shoulders and one hand gently caressed the side of my face.

The kiss was tender and soft- neither one of us wanted to ruin this moment- our moment, by doing something inappropriate. Alanah gently broke the kiss and smiled softly. "Thank you..." she whispered sweetly. She laid her head on my chest and said, "Thank you, for staying with me."

I held her tighter as I rested my chin on top of her head, "I'm not going anywhere." I promised her. I was a deserter... was... but not anymore...

We stayed like that for the rest of the day- in each others' arms. She fell asleep, but I still continued to hold her gently. I fell asleep a few minutes after she did, while listening to the soft patterns of her breathing as she slept.

No other words where said- there wasn't a need for them. It was clear what we wanted to say to each other. Though, they were never said out loud, I think we both knew what they were.

I love you.

Author's Notes: School is a bitch :cough: Anyways, so that's chapter 13. With lots of fluff... and sap... and romance. To be very honest, I wasn't considering on having Atton and Alanah finally geting together in this chapter, but... I felt it just fitted in here. Plus, think of this as a way of saying sorry for the long update... and probably another one. Stay tuned for the next chapter, sadly, I have no idea what I want it to be about. But, Carth will be there... I think... maybe... ermm... anyhow... Oh yes, I almost forget. I am thinking about doing a sequal to Emotions. Yup yup. I've written about two pages of notebook paper(front and back) full tons of ideas, concepts, and what not about the sequel. And I'm still adding to it! I've created some new characters, enemies, romances, and a bunch of whole new problems for the KotOR I&II cast to deal with. If you seen my fanart thread(BitterSweet) at the KotOR Fanmedia forums, then you probably saw a sketch of that mysterious guy that will be featured in the sequel. The sequel is still pending though. That means, I'm still just thinking about it. There are some issues that I'll have to figure out, especially if I want to write this sequel out. For example, I'm having problems with the title, kinks with the main plot line, and some other stuff. But, I am definitely thinking of a sequel. Yup...

Reviewer Responses:

Ewanlover64- I'm glad you liked this chapter. I'm actually thinking of Di&Exile story concepts. If I decide to write one, it'll probably after I finish this story. Thanks for your review!

LuvsDelkoSpeed- :lol: I'll consider that. Thanks for reveiwing!

Trillian4210- I know... I won't do that again. It was actually not suppose to stay there, but I forgot to delete that part in the final editing. I'm glad Mira sounded IC. Though she had very few lines (at least five lines if I remember correctly), I wanted her to stay in character. :lol: She was mainly just there for comic relief. Thanks for reviewing!

Kuramas Girl Angel- I know what you mean! I have no idea what to do in Malachore either. Malachor is such a boring place to write about. -- I'm thinking of just skipping Malachor and go straight to the Kreia battle... :shrugs: Best of luck for your writer's block and thanks for reviewing!

A Pleasant Reader- I'm so happy to hear(or read) that! Best part of writing Kotor fanfiction is that you can add stuff that was lacking in the game. Kotor II really disappointed me in the romance department. ESPECIALLY, if you play as a female Jedi who takes a liking to Atton. We get a few stuffs here and there, but after finding out his little secret, that's it... The most romantic line he says in the whole game is the 'pazaak in my head' line. Not only that, but they cut Atton's confession of his love for your character out of the game! Sorry for the rant. lol Anyways...

The Exile's name is pronounced: Alanah (uh- lah- nuh) Halo (hey- low) like the game.

That's how I like to pronounce it anyways. Thanks for your review! I hope you continue to read my story and enjoy it.