Love Is an Accident

Rating: Well, language warning, and some sexual innuendo.

†

Once he'd gotten himself fed, Edward had wandered around the campus for about an hour before finally returning to his room to face Ashton once he'd calmed down a bit. Well, at least he was a little calm, despite the fact that each step back to his room replenished his anger.

He hesitated, hand on the doorknob, as he glanced back over his shoulder at the room across the hall. Grip tightening minutely, he entered the room.

"About time you got back... Have fun last night?"

Ed wasted no time in hauling Fawkes off the bed and shoving him back against a wall. "What the hell did you do to him!"

"I haven't a clue what you're insinuating, Edward..." The grin on Ashton's face suggested otherwise.

"Don't give me that crap, Fawkes! What in the fucking hell did you do to Jean!" The blonde's grip tightened in Ashton's shirt as he resisted the urge to just start beating the shit out of him.

"I just told him what he wanted to know, Ed... I see nothing wrong with that..." Despite the situation, Ashton remained as calm as ever. "It wasn't as if I didn't warn him, so you could say it was his fault..."

Ed gritted his teeth, golden eyes furious. "What did you say to him..."

With a twist and a flip, Ashton had Ed up against the wall, hands pinned above his head. He kept Ed's hands down with one of his own, the other tracing fingertips lightly against the boy's cheek. "I know when I've found something I want, Edward... Do you remember those words...?"

Ed tried to wriggle free, but couldn't. His eyes widened at Ashton's words, shaking his head and struggling even more. "Let me go, Fawkes! I'll scream! Don't you fucking dare!"

Ashton's grin broadened as he watched Ed squirm. "You're not quite in the position to be making orders, Ed..." The second the boy opened his mouth, Fawkes struck, muffling any attempt at vocalization with lips and tongue.

Eyes clenched shut, Ed tried to resist, tried to break free but couldn't. Despite the wasted effort he continued to struggle, only to have Ashton's body pressed more firmly against his. He refused to cry out when given a chance to breathe, refused to scream to satisfy the sick bastard feeling him up, no matter how much he wanted to.

"You sure you want to meet Ashton?" Jean asked Luce.

Aiden's roommate rolled his eyes. "The horror story notwithstanding, it would be rude to ask Ed to come with us without also inviting his roommate."

"You're asking for it," the blonde said, knocking.

Ashton paused, chuckling a bit and nipping Ed's ear. "How fortunate for you..." He released the blonde, moving to open the door as if nothing had just happened. "Ah, Jean, what's up?"

Ed leaned against the wall, staring in shock at the open door and the blue-eyed blonde just past Ashton. It was only a matter of moments before he shoved his roommate aside and bowled into Jean, clinging tightly. "Thank god..." His voice barely managed to get higher than a whisper.

"Ah –!" Jean's arms went automatically around Ed's shoulders, almost protective. "Luce wanted to know if you could go out and do something with him – his roommate apparantly finds you amusing, so he wanted to meet you."

Luce pushed his wild mop of long white hair away from his face, looking Ashton up and down appraisingly. "Pleased to meet you. I'm Lucifer, but most people call me Luce for obvious reasons."

"Sorry about that, don't know what came over him, Jean.." Ashton looked to Luce, grin returning. "Nice to meet you too, I'm Ashton, and that's Ed," he motioned to the slightly trembling, ponytailed blonde.

Ed simply fisted his hands in the back of Jean's shirt, a few harsh tears managing to leak their way out of his tightly shut eyes from where his face was buried against the taller blonde's chest.

Luce inclined his head. "I was going to go poke around in the university library and museum; apparently, Miskatonic had the world's largest collection of occult books and artifacts. Would you like to join me?"

Jean gently rubbed Ed's back, soothing.

"Sounds fun!" Ashton perked up at this bit of information.

Ed cringed the slightest bit. It always disturbed him how easily the redhead just pretended like nothing happened. He would, though, wouldn't he...damn bastard...

"I'm going to go find the twins," Jean piped up. "One of them has a book I want to read." He waved at the other two. "Have fun, guys. I heard that there's a copy of some really old books down there. I expect you to bring me back a list!"

Luce laughed, grabbing Ashton's wrist. "Come on. I want to go see some of the idols."

Nodding, Ashton allowed himself to be dragged along without so much as sparing a glance back at Edward.

Jean gently peeled the boy away, tilting his chin up to look at him. "Hey... you all right?"

"Do I look alright..." A few more tears fell, a bit easier now that Ashton was gone. Ed's knees threatened to give out right then and there, and he swayed slightly.

"Hey, calm down." Jean spoke gently, kindly. "Let's go back to my room. I think you'll be more comfortable there, right?"

Ed managed to nod, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. "Alright..."

Jean gently guided Ed through, setting him on his bunk and sitting next to him. "What happened, kiddo?"

"Fawkes..."

"It's almost disturbing how descriptive that is..." Jean rubbed Ed's back. "You think you'll be okay, or do you want to camp out here for a while?"

Ed closed his eyes and leaned against Jean's shoulder. "Just hold me... It feels safe when I'm with you..." He slid his arms around Jean's waist. "I don't even know why I'm saying this...But please...just this once even...just hold me so I feel safe again..."

Jean's arms encircled the boy protectively. Even though Ed was probably older, he still felt responsible for the cute little ball of misfortune. "You'll be okay," he murmured, smoothing down Ed's hair. "Iden and I are here for you, so if you ever need anything you can come find one of us."

"You're the only one that matters, Jean... You're the only one I feel safe with..." Because you're different from them... Is that why? Because you're somehow familiar.. Maybe for that reason? Because maybe I'm falling in love... Am I?

Mutely, Jean's arms tightened. He had no idea why he felt like he had to be there, but he was more than willing to take care if the young man clinging almost desperately to him. Something clicked into place inside and it just felt right, even if he didn't know why, even if he didn't know what it was.

Lifting his head, Ed looked up at Jean, golden eyes searching. For what, he didn't even know, but he was certain that if he found it, he would know. Even if it wasn't quite clear then what it was.

Jean gave a cocky grin, the corner of his mouth quirking slightly. "You're staying in here, gopher boy, and I will personally throw Ashton out the window if he bothers you within fifty feet of me."

Ed wasn't quite sure that was what he'd been looking for, but it was definitely a step in the right direction. A somewhat tired smile made its way onto his face, the thought of Ashton being flung out of a window actually quite amusing. "It's...kind of funny though... We just met each other yesterday..." He looked off to the side a bit. "I mean...uh...hell I don't know what the fuck I mean..."

Jean shrugged. "Then leave it until you do know. Hell, I don't know what's going on myself; first we were at one another's throats, now..." The smile turned soft. "I think I like this better anyhow."

Ed blushed slightly when he looked at Jean again, not quite sure what to make of that.

"Feeling better?"

"What if I said no?" It wasn't all a lie, just the thought of what had happened made him almost sick with rage.

"Well..." Jean pretended to think for a minute. "Then I'd have to drag you out and make you feel better."

Ed blinked a bit. "And if I said yes?"

"Haven't thought that far ahead," Jean said frankly. "I was counting on 'no' because you honestly looked like hell back there."

"Well what if I don't want to get dragged out to do stuff?" Ed just pouted.

"Too bad."

"But what if we run into Ashton..." Aside from the fact that dammit, he wanted to stay right here, Ed definitely wasn't looking forward to seeing that man's face again.

"Well... is there anything you want me to do to help cheer you up?"

"Uh..." A lot of disturbing thoughts came to mind, which had Ed wondering just what the hell was wrong with him. He shook his head and stared at the floor in the meantime, trying to force the thoughts back down before he blurted something stupid.

Jean scooted back so he was resting comfortably against the wall. "I have some coffee if you'd like..."

"Nah, I'm fine.." Ed glanced over his shoulder at Jean, then scooted back as well, once more leaning slightly against the taller blonde's shoulder. Golden eyes seemed a bit distant, though, the kind of look that's in between focus. Edward was thinking, and that wasn't always a good thing.

ean spared a glance at Ed. "Er... you're scaring me. What are you thinking about?"

"Huh...ah! Nothing!" A blush spread quickly across Ed's face as he shook his head furiously.

Jean's eyebrow popped up and he shook his head slightly.

"Sorry, you just startled me is all.." Well, it was at least half true.

"You lie like a mattress."

"..." Ed huffed slightly, turning to half-heartedly glare at Jean.

"What?" Blue eyes contrived to look innocent. "You do."

"So what, it's not like you'd be interesting in what I was thinking about anyway!"

The puppy eyes grew bigger.

Ed scooted over a bit. "... that's just kind of freaky... really, you don't want to know..."

"All right, all right. I give up. I learned my lesson."

Pulling his knees up to his chest, Ed sighed. Something inside hurt, and he wasn't sure why.

Jean decided to let Ed be. He slid down slightly, sighing as his back crunched slightly.

Reasons still unknown, Ed really felt like crying. Hugging his legs more tightly, he hid his face against his knees. Why did it hurt so much, anyway? None of it made any sense to him.

Closing his eyes, Jean sighed internally. The kid was taking things harder than he should... it really wasn't healthy... at this rate, Ed would burn out too quickly. His hand gently crept over and touched Ed's.44

Ed flinched, lifting his head just enough to glance down at Jean's hand. If you knew how these things made me feel...would you still continue?

"Don't worry about it," Jean said tranquilly, eyes still closed. "You'll hurt yourself at this rate."

The only thing that's hurting me right now is not knowing... Ed felt the tears welling in his eyes, the tightness in his chest, wondered if he'd ever know the reason.

"You're not relaxing..."

I can't... Ed knew that if he spoke, his voice would crack.

Jean's eyes finally opened, registering only slight shock at Ed's distressed face. "Ed, what's wrong?"

Ed shook his head, causing a few tears to fall. Looking away from Jean, he rested his head against his knees again. "I can't tell you that.."

"Why not? Can't I worry about you?"

"It's..." Ed paused. Truthfully, what was it? Did he even know? "I..." he choked on his words, tears stinging his eyes. What was he supposed to say? You don't know what you're doing to me.. I don't know what you're doing to me...

Jean slid off the bed. "Come on. Lie down. You're tired and you're stressed and you need rest."

"I don't need rest, I slept enough.." Ed kept his face hidden against his knees.

Jean snorted. "Well, it's something. Food, rest, coffee, something. You're making me depressed."

"It would probably be better if I just went back to my room.." Ed scooted to the edge of the bed and stood up, trying to wipe his eyes.

Jean said nothing, but the expression on his face communicated quite elegantly what he thought of that.

Ed looked away, making for the door. "If I stay here it's not going to get any better..."

Jean's voice was flat and noncommital. "And running away to mope about it will?"

Ed stopped, fists clenching tightly. "Do you have any idea what you're doing to me?" The tears ran freely again, unsteady, nearly hiccupped breaths the closest he'd let himself get to sobs.

"I'd know if you would debase yourself enough to tell me! I can't read minds!"

"What the hell am I supposed to say!" Ed turned around to face Jean again, as much as it hurt, as much as the pain showed. "I saw your reaction to Fawkes how the hell do I know you won't do the same thing to me!" Sure the comparison was probably stupid, he wasn't like Ashton, but still... "I'm...afraid of that kind of pain..."

"Ed, get a clue. Please. Do you see me running away and hiding? You're in my room, you were on my bed. You're nothing like him. You're... different."

"I know that but..." Ed shook his head. Everything was just happening too fast for his brain to comprehend, it was starting to make his head hurt. This longing was strange to him, as if he wanted Jean to come to him, wanted to feel those arms around him again, wanted it to be okay...

Jean moved up to Ed, putting gentle hands on his shoulders. "Look, gopher-boy. I'm not going to run screaming from you. Just relax and let things happen the way they decide to happen. You panicking about this, that, or the other thing won't help our relationship if you decide to have one with me."

Looking up, Ed wiped his eyes again. Tears nearly run dry, eyes red and somewhat painful, and a slightly sleepy haze falling over him, he practically fell forward against Jean, arms around his waist. His eyes focused somewhere else, off to the side and slightly fuzzy. "Is it wrong of me to feel this way about someone I've only just met..."

"Judgement call," Jean said gently. "That's something I can't answer. Maybe you'll figure it out later."

"What about you... What about what you feel..." Ed's eyes closed halfway, still staring blankly at the wall and seeing but a blur.

Jean shifted his grip and lifted Ed up – for all the boy's muscle, he was still fairly light – and deposited him on his bed. "I think," the taller blonde said slowly. "That I feel that you should get some rest and just trust me, all right? I'd like to let you keep me..." His hand settled lightly on Ed's forehead. "Just relax. I'll stick close by if you need anything."

Ed frowned slightly. "But that's not what I was asking..."

"Hey, I really have no idea what's going on right now, whereas you do. It may be vague, but at least you have one. Me..." Jean grinned charmingly and shrugged. "I'll figure it out sooner or later, when things aren't so raw."

Ed looked up at Jean, managing a tired little smile. "Jean...promise me at least one thing?"

"M'hm?"

"When I wake up...hold me again like you did before..."

A faint blush of pink tinged Jean's cheeks. "All right. I promise."

"Thank you..." Ed closed his eyes, letting exhaustion take over and drag him into sleep.

––––––––––––––––

There was more detail, the dull, muted greys and browns of a forgotten warehouse, the weak gleaming of ancient metal, the echoes of an empty room. The weight in his arms was the same, still pinning him down to the ground unnaturally. He could look down now, seeing a familiar tumble of messy blonde hair – it was darker though, and the face beneath it was pale and bloody. Blood oozed from the corpse's mouth and from its back, the clear, beautiful, sky-blue eyes glassy and dead.

The thing in his head pounded and screamed, and he screamed back, the sight of the dead man tearing his heart to shreds. He didn't want to give up, but he was already gone and the thing knew it.

Ed stirred in his sleep, restless, tearing himself away from the nightmare with a scream as he jerked into a sitting position, head pounding and breaths heavy and quick. He noted the tear trails down to his ears, and barely heard the whisper that tumbled off his tongue automatically. "Jean..."

Jean dropped the book he was holding and was on his feet before he even registered it. "Ed... are you all right?" he asked, sitting on the bed and pulling the boy into a hug automatically.

Trembling, Ed's hands clutched Jean's shirt even as he felt new tears welling in his eyes. "It was..just a dream, right?"

"What was just a dream?"

"It was just a dream...that...couldn't be a memory...but it was so real..." Ed clung tighter, trying to shut out the images that presented themselves so boldly in his mind. "It was screaming at me... 'He's dead! He's dead! Let me out!'"

Jean was genuinely worried now. "Ed... what on...? Who's dead?" Sky-blue eyes looked down at the boy, eyebrows drawn together in worry. "Are you okay?"

"Nobody's dead, it was just a dream..." Ed shook his head. "You're not dead you're right here! Why did it feel so real!"

Something inside Jean froze solid. "I... I don't know..." His voice was thick and unsteady.

At the sound of Jean's voice, Ed lifted his head, trying to wipe his eyes. "...Jean...?"

Jean managed to scrape together a passable smile for the boy in his arms. "Nothing. Old trauma. It'll wear off."

"Jean...I..." Ed slipped his arms around Jean's waist, pulling himself closer. "It felt like my heart was being torn right out of my chest..."

"Well," Jean said, trying to be lighthearted. "I think it's still there right now." Trying to relieve the discomfort against his left side, Jean finally pulled Ed into his lap, looping smaller boy's arms around his neck. "You seem in one piece to me, at any rate."

Ed couldn't help but blush slightly. "I...g-guess s-so..."

Catching the blush, Jean finally decided to enlighten Ed. "Look, when you have your arms around my waist, it hurts. This is the most comfortable for me."

"S-sorry.." Ed looked down, changed his mind, looked up, shook his head and just looked forward. "It's not that...I mean..."

Jean tried not to grin.

This action only succeeded in making Ed blush more. He made his best attempt at looking miffed. "What, dammit! What the hell is so funny!"

"You're cute when you're pissed," Jean said, gently teasing.

Ed just stared, not quite sure what to say but blushing even more nonetheless. "U..uh...um..."

Jean grinned, though his eyes were sober. "Sorry. That was rude."

Ed sighed and shook his head, leaning forward to rest his chin on Jean's shoulder. "I don't know what to do about all this..."

"Then don't do anything."

"But I want to do something... I want..." Ed shifted a bit in Jean's lap to get more comfortable, tilting his head a bit while still resting it on Jean's shoulder. "It's not my place to ask such things..."

"Who said it's not? Don't jump to conclusions, kiddo."

Ed smiled slightly, thinking. "Hey, Jean? Have you ever been with somebody before?"

"Define 'with somebody,'" Jean said roughly, the old ache reasserting itself.

The change in Jean's voice didn't go unnoticed and Ed hesitated. "Nevermind it...it's not important anyway...I...sorry..."

"No... it's... I probably should have told you."

"You don't have to if you don't want to..." The smaller blonde nuzzled his face up against Jean's neck. "I've almost always been alone, friends included...so I was just curious is all..."

"Well, I did say that I'd tell you at some point..." Jean sighed. "I just don't know how to tell you."

"Then don't...wait until you know how.." Ed suggested, closing his eyes.

"I don't know... it's always hard to describe that kind of thing..." Jean rested his cheek against Ed's hair. "It was prom night. Alyssa and I were having fun, she looked great, and we were coming home to relax because we didn't want to go to after-prom. I was driving... and... some drunk football player ran a red light and slammed into the passenger's side... Alyssa was killed and I was hurt pretty badly..." He broke off with a ragged sigh.

"Sorry..."

"S'okay."

Ed let the silence hang for a while, thinking to himself.

"Sorry if I'm awkward...I'm...not used to these kinds of things you know..." He finally decided to just swallow his pride. "I...I want things from you and I don't fully understand why... I say things that I don't even know the reason for... I don't even know what I'm doing here..."

Almost imperceptibly, Jean's mood lightened. "That makes two of us," he murmured.

Ed's hands clutched at the back of Jean's shirt. "I can still feel his tongue in my mouth..." He cringed. "I hate it... Why won't it go away..."

Jean blinked. "Ed," he said cautiously, "what, precisely, was Ashton doing to you?"

"It...He hadn't done anything like that for almost a year now..." Ed skirted the question. "I don't want to say what... I just want that feeling to go away... Replace it with something better, I don't know..."

"Ed." Jean's voice was serious, one that said Pay Attention Now. "What do you want from me right now?" If Ed wasn't going to say anything voluntarily, he'd just have to force the issue.

Ed froze. I...want you to do what he does... It's different if I want it, right? "I..." How was he supposed to say that? "If I said what it is I want...would you do it at all? If you did...would it be because I asked or because you wanted to?" He lifted his head, resting his chin once more on Jean's shoulder. "I don't want you to do something for me just because I asked..."

"How the hell am I supposed to answer that?" Jean asked.

Shifting his weight again, Ed sighed. "I want you to hold me, kiss me, love me even, but I don't want you to do anything just because I want you to..." He moved back the slightest bit, looking down. "I want to be with you...I want to know what it's like to be loved like that... If you don't want to give me that then the only thing I can ask is that you let me stay near you still..."

He didn't want to look up, was afraid to hear what words might come next, afraid to see how Jean reacted to that. But most of all, Edward was afraid of what might happen if Jean said no.

Jean stayed silent for a long time, trying to sort things out. "I'm more inclined to say 'yes' than 'no' to you," he said reflectively. "But isn't this a little quick? You... weren't exactly this way when I first me you." He lifted Ed's chin, studying his face with eyes that looked far older. "There's something there about you. I'm not sure what it is, and I don't think you know either. But I'm willing to stick around and help you find out. I refuse to be pushed. I'm still not ready for a relationship with the depth of what you want, not this close to her death. But I'll try to give you everything else you need." His expression relaxed into an easy smile. "I can't say no, not to you, and not like this."

I can't explain why, but it feels like I've known you for a lot longer than I have... And everything about you feels so right, I can't just let that go... All I know for sure is that I want this.. Resituating himself to straddle Jean's waist, Ed pulled the taller blonde into a kiss that was neither rough nor exactly gentle. The feeling of some lost part of himself returning, something missing before but now almost whole, he closed his eyes tightly and wished it would never end.