The Lord of the Rings from the point of view of a warm hunk of cheese…
By a Warm Hunk of Cheese
Author's Note: I would like to thank all the kind humans that took time to review my story. I see that people are coming to appreciate what a hunk of warm cheese has to say, when very little people even care to listen. I am obliged to continue my tale to give all of you an even better understanding of what really happened in Lord of the Rings.
Maethril Aranel: Everyone knows the cheese stands alone. No wheezies. I rather fancy the color CHEESE ORANGE.
Irish Anor: Thanks, although I am not a squirt, seeing as I am not spray cheese.
Kelsey Estel: Witty makes me feel like an appreciated hunk of cheese. Many thanks.
EgyptMau: I have a friend! Yay :)
Jousting Elf with a Sabre: I wouldn't really want to be melted. Although sometimes I do melt a little. I am warm.
Andra Mercuria: Thank ye kindly. You are a good human, good human!
Beadeddreams: I do apologize for saying I won't be around much longer. I do realize that being optimistic helps my complexion… makes me look more fresh.
Autumn Shadow: I liked it when you bowed… but then the fork and knife.. ahh!
L-X-R: I hope I do not run into your sister's dog, that would be quite unfortunate.
Sapphire Orb: Salt will make me shrivel up :(
Maidenhair: I will read and review your stories very soon, and I have made quite a few squirrel friends in my travels, so I should enjoy them!
Disclaimer: I am still little more than a hunk of warm cheese. I own nothing, except for a little tiny spot of mold that grew on me the other day, but it fell off. I certainly do not own Lord of the Rings. If you sue me all I can give you is the little fallen off piece of mold. I don't think that you want it.
The story continues…
I was sitting comfortably on the mantel of Frodo's fireplace once day. Frodo had moved me because he was low on money and naturally had to eat his table. He is in the process of making a new one. I liked sitting on the mantel because it makes me feel tall and significant, like I am more than a mere hunk of warm cheese.
Frodo suddenly came in with a smile on his face. He called good-bye to his friend Sam. I really like Sam. Once Frodo threatened to feed me to a rabbit that came in but Sam didn't let him, saying that I would make the rabbit sick. I was quite grateful.
Suddenly, out of nowhere came that Gandalf again! I was quite surprised, and I must admit that I even screamed. As you all know, screaming is very difficult for a hunk of warm cheese such as myself. Gandalf cast an odd look in my direction but I quickly ducked behind a picture frame.
Frodo seemed very surprised to see Gandalf too. Especially since Gandalf jumped out, saying "Is it secret? Is it safe?" in a very rude way, without saying hello or even telling Frodo what "it" was! Frodo looked at him wide-eyed for a moment (and I mean very wide-eyed) before he shook himself and ran to a trunk.
I remembered how I had wanted Frodo to hide the ring in my warm cheese body instead of that dusty trunk, and I felt a little sad. What made me even sadder was when Frodo threw open the lid and dust flew everywhere, including on me.
As humans, you probably know how unpleasant dust can be. Now put yourself in my situation, even though it might be hard. Imagine you have a warm and slightly squishy orange body. Imagine now a layer of dust that you cannot wipe off laying down on you. I tried to shake it off, but that didn't do anything. I only rolled off the mantel.
I was quite miserable by that point. Then Gandalf almost stepped on me, because Frodo had given him the envelope that the Ring was in and Gandalf was going towards the fireplace. When I swerved to avoid Gandalf stepping on me, I unfortunately went straight to where the fireplace was.
I could feel myself melting. I began squeaking loudly in despair. Frodo shot a blue-eyed glance in my direction and silently swept me into his pocket, where I sat and purred a bit.
Suddenly, Gandalf threw the Ring into the fire. What a destructive person! I know that many human, hobbit, and elven mothers tell their children not to play with fire, but obviously no one told Gandalf that.
Frodo cried out in surprise. I wish I had lungs.
If I had lungs maybe I would be a singer!
But anyway…
Gandalf poked around in the fire and took out the Ring, and tried to give it to Frodo. I threw myself against his leg in warning. The Ring would be hot, and if Frodo touched it, he might melt. Frodo looked suspiciously at Gandalf, and to my distress, took the Ring.
Luckily he didn't melt. If you think it is absurd that a human melt, take a look at the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz. She melted! There must be a little bit of cheese in us all... :)
Gandalf launched into a huge story about how there were many people after Frodo. Frodo leapt into action and threw a few things into a bag, including myself. I was against a vest of his that is velvet and very nice to sleep next to or just rub on. Although it makes him a little mad.
From my comfortable position I heard talk of "Ringwraiths" and of a dark lord that was after the Ring. I didn't understand it all but Frodo seemed very worried. He was standing near a table looking at it when out of nowhere, Gandalf yelled at him to get down.
I really disliked Gandalf at this particular point in time. It wasn't so much his spastic shouting, but that when Frodo did duck down he smashed the bag and I was crushed against a hunk of hard bread that was next to me. I was miserable and tried to glare at Frodo for crushing me, but it didn't work because I don't have eyes, and even if I did, I would have to glare through a burlap bag, which usually doesn't work.
Gandalf poked his staff out the window and what he found surprised me very much! I saw Sam, who Gandalf slammed against a table like a wrestler. Gandalf is very strong. He yelled at poor Sam for a long time.
I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I realized that Frodo was walking out of Bag End with Sam, with a bag full of food and clothes. He was leaving! I smelled the fresh air through a hole in the bag and felt very excited. An adventure!