The Adventures of Hobozilla!
A/N: Okay, I was out of a muse, and I felt like writing something...at least semi-amusing. The only other crackfic I started died, so I decided to start up another one with a totally different plot! And, to save the burning of the eyes of my readers, this story will be completely ROMANCE FREE! Actually, there'll be a fair amount of random pairing bashing. :D I'm so pissed off at the fandom and their repetitive, cliché fics. Anyway! Yuugiou is © to Kazuki Takahashi, and all other random things I use in this story are © to their respective owners. If you sued me, you'd just get my computer, and it sucks anyway.
I really need a new hobby... Kujaku Mai thought as she ascended the steps to the Kaiba mansion. Harassing Kaiba is fun, but it's not getting me paid... Mai sighed, then opened the door to Seto's office--and found an extremely distressed Mokuba sitting on the desk.
"THIS IS HORRIBLE!" Mokuba cried, flapping his arms around like a bird. "Nii-sama won't come out of his room!"
"Why not?" Mai asked, seeing the opportunity to make the older Kaiba squirm even more.
"He made me promise not to tell anyone," Mokuba answered. "But someone needs to help him..."
"Did he attempt an angsty suicide in the rain and fail because everyone in the world secretly loves him?"
"No."
"Did he hire me as his maid and then get mad for who knows what reason and attempt an angsty suicide in the rain?"
"No..."
"Did he fire his obese secretary because she kept trying to grope him, and now she showed up and injected him with goat fat? I mean, he could use a cheeseburger or seven..."
"Not exactly. Someone stole his sexy trenchcoat!" Mokuba screamed, and convient thunder boomed outside.
"Someone stole his trenchcoat?" Mai asked, frowning. "Geez, and here I was thinking he tried to kill himself in the rain!"
"It's worse than that, Mai-san! He can't LIVE without that coat!" Mokuba exclaimed, and pointed to the closed door behind him. "He's been singing Faith Hill songs in the fetal position for hours!"
Mai rolled her eyes. "He's rich, why doesn't he just buy another one?"
"Because that's the only one! Ever!" Mokuba shook his fists, then sighed. "Okay, he gave specific orders to never make another coat like that again, because having the only one made him feel like a badass."
"Do you know who stole it?" Mai asked, and Mokuba handed her a piece of paper.
"This is the only evidence."
Mai took it, and raised an eyebrow as she read the lone sentence.
Dear Seto Kaiba, Stop mocking the OMGFUTUAR!1111
"What's that last word?" Mokuba asked, looking confused.
"Maybe it's business code and Seto knows?" Mai suggested.
"I don't know if you should ask him yet..."
"I'm gonna try. Thanks for the warning, Mokuba!" Mai called, then opened the door to the back room slowly. "Kaiba? Where are you?"
"Ooh I love the way you...love the way you love me..." Seto was weakly singing.
"Kaiba! Be a MAN!" Mai yelled, and smacked him on the shoulder.
"How can I be a man when my precious is gone?" Seto wailed, sitting up. "Who could do this to me?"
"What's the OMGFUTUAR!1111?" Mai asked, and Seto raised an eyebrow.
"The future, you mean?" Seto asked, resuming the fetal position.
"How did you understand that?" Mai asked, rubbing her forehead.
"It's Egyptonicz." Seto said, shrugging. "I took a class on it a year ago."
"Egypt...the future...I think I figured out who stole your coat!" Mai exclaimed, and Seto pulled pink sparkly pom poms that she didn't even want to know where they came from.
"Please tell me it wasn't Nick Lachey!" Seto cried, hugging his pom poms.
"Didn't I just get done telling you to be a man?" Mai shouted, and took his pink fluffy friends away. "Who lives in Egypt and is obsessed with the future?"
"Those Ishtar fools!" Seto exclaimed, standing up. "I will CRUSH them!"
"You're leaving the house without your coat, now?" Mai asked, causing Seto to sit back down.
"I can't leave without my precious!" Seto cried, then looked at her.
"What if I give you a disguise?" Mai suggested, then patted his shoulder grudgingly, considering it still had pink sparkly residue.
"That might work," Seto thought.
"Now, to get to work..."
"Is this really necessary?" Seto asked, looking down at his outfit.
"Well, nobody's going to recognize you now!" Mai exclaimed, smiling at him.
"You want to get seen in public with a man who looks like he washes his hair at BP?" Seto asked, beating the dirty clothes off. "I smell!"
"You're a hobo, of course you smell!" Mai insisted, looking him over. "Wow, I wouldn't have any idea who you are if I didn't already know!"
"I smell!" Seto persisted, looking down at her. "What are you going to do?"
"Act like I'm doing the community a favor and helping the homeless guy under the bridge."
"There's a homeless guy under the bridge?" Seto asked.
"There is now!" Mai squealed, obviously proud of her work. "Now, let's get on that plane to Egypt!"
"Plane?" Seto asked, looking confused. "I sold all the planes a while ago to save someone from raping my virgin ass. Very emotional."
"So what, are we going to WALK to Egypt?" Mai shrieked, banging her head against the wall.
"Maybe they haven't reached Egypt yet! Quick, call Isis!" Seto insisted, and Mai raised an eyebrow.
"And what, tell her that I'm looking for your coat?"
"Just talk about what you girls always talk about!" Seto encouraged, handing her his cell phone. Mai sweatdropped and dialed the number.
"Hello?" A female voice called.
"Hey, Isis. It's Mai. How are you doing?" Mai asked, trying to sound as superficial as possible.
"Wonderful! My brother and I extracted our revenge on an ignorant fucktard, and we're getting plastered in Vegas!" Isis cheered.
"I wish I was getting plastered right now..." Mai grumbled, looking at the flustered CEO in his hobo garb. "Anyway, I just wanted to call and check on you, make sure everything was going okay."
"Everything's fine. But the fifty strippers Malik ordered are here, so I've gotta go! Bye!"
Mai heard the soft click signifying a disconnect and did the same. "They're in Vegas."
"To Vegas we go! COME HELL OR HIGH-WATERS, I WILL NOT BACK DOWN!" Seto shouted, throwing his head back for a maniacal laugh.
"Uh, don't you mean 'high water'?" Mai sweatdropped.
"FWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Maybe I should call for some backup..." Mai wondered, and Mokuba burst in.
"I'll help!" He called, then crinkled his nose at Seto. "He smells really bad."
"It's part of the costume. Anyway, we're gonna need a car." Mai suggested.
"We have to wait a few minutes. I called a couple of other people to help," Mokuba informed them.
"Like who?" Seto asked, scowling.
"Jounouchi and Anzu-chan. I informed them of our situation."
"WHAT!" Seto and Mai shrieked in unison.
"I hate that mutt!" Seto cried, flailing his arms and making the room smell worse.
"Every time Jounouchi and I are in the same room together, some stupid girl comes out of nowhere and starts screaming!" Mai whined, smacking herself.
"You're telling me," Jounouchi complained. On cue, a twelve-year old girl stuck her head in the door and started squealing.
"Shut up!" Mai shouted. "Or I'll sic Hobozilla on you!"
"Hobozilla?" Seto asked, sounding semi-hurt.
"Is that KAIBA! Wow, he looks like my abusive, homeless, drunken father!" Jou shrieked, grabbing his stomach, then crinkling his nose just like everyone else. "Dude, he reeks!"
"It's part of the damn costume!" Mai wailed, then looked behind him. "Is Anzu with you?"
"She's involved in some kind of ninja battle outside. Some chick started screaming about her precious babies and attacked her for no reason." Jounouchi said with a shrug. "It happens twice a week."
"This is going to be a shitload of fun..." Mai sarcastically snapped.
"Kaiba smells like shit!" Jounouchi giggled, and Seto glared at him.
"When I get my coat back, I'm kicking your ass!"