A Thing Like Life - Chapter Two

Mark has got his work! They say Mark lives for his work! And Mark's in love with his work! Mark hides in his work...No, I don't hide. It's not true. I'm creating art, not all those things your saying, Roger...You've got it all wrong...I...

I wake up, startled. What was with that dream? I blink, trying to remember what had been happening. But almost the moment I try to cling onto the image, it slips away. This is so annoying...why am I having dreams like this that wake me up and leave me breathing heavy like this? My heart's still pounding for some reason...

I sit up, looking out the window. The sun has already risen. I raise my hands, lightly rubbing the sleep away from my eyes. My hand immediately moves to the bedside table and I grab my glasses. When you reach for the same spot every morning from the time your eleven years old, you don't need to see it, I think with a slight smirk, putting on the glasses and looking around a bit more.

I had fallen asleep last night staring up at the ceiling, probably. I am still wearing my clothes, now sticking to my body unpleasantly. I look over at the old clock next to my bed: 10:00 AM. I slowly stand up, still a little groggy and half asleep. As I make my way across the room, I bump into a table in the middle of the room and jump back, seeing it wobble quite over the edge. "Shit," I say, as I grab the projector at the last minute and let the small table fall to the ground with a soft clatter.

There is the sound of somebody waking with a start from the living room. I give a short chuckle: Roger slept on the sofa again last night. He always does that when he's in a weird mood. Probably angry at himself for not being able to think up any new ideas last night. I hoist the small table up, setting the projector back on it just as the door swings open.

"Whawazzat?" His voice is slurred from just barely having woken up, making me laugh.

"Go back to sleep, you lazy ass." I bend down, picking up a roll of film that had fallen off when I bumped into the table.

Roger blinks a few times, slowly waking up. He watches me reorganize for a moment, and then finally speaks, no longer slurred. "What the hell are you doing anyways?"

I roll my eyes, knowing the Roger that has just woken up wouldn't possibly remember what he was doing right before he fell asleep the previous evening. "Nothing. Go to sleep. Maybe in your own bed."

He shakes his head to wake himself up and as a denial. "Nah. Too early. Sun's up and everything."

I look up at him, my hands re-rolling the film as I talk. "Maybe you wanna watch this with me?"

The memories of last night, however insignificant they seemed to him, come back, and he shakes his head. "Nah. I'm...gonna go on out for a while. Yeah...see ya." He steps backwards out of the doorway, shutting the door behind him.

"See ya." I sigh, wondering only for a second where he could be going. I push the matter from my mind, knowing it probably wasn't that important anyways. I turned on the switch of the camera, amazed to find myself at the spot I had stopped watching last night.

.-.-.

"January Twenty-First, Eleven A.M., Eastern Standard Time. In the park on the way to Life Support with Angel and Collins. First Shot: Angel, holding hands with Collins."

"Said Angel is dressed in a very fine red skirt and white blouse this fine day, I might add..."

"Collins, I'm the film maker, I do the commentary."

"Easy, Honey." Angel looked over her shoulder at me as I walked behind the two of them, filming them. I remained silent, not wanting to mess up my documentary more than Collins already had.

The snow around us made Angel's white blouse almost seem to glow. I wondered for a moment why she wasn't wearing a coat, and, for that matter, why she didn't look cold. Can you really be impervious to something like being cold if you're that in love?

"All righty, here we are!" Angel almost skipped up the steps of the community center, dragging Collins along with her. I had to jog up the steps so that I didn't lose my focus on the two of them. We walked through the building, finally finding our way to the room where Life Support was held once a week.

I situated my extra equipment in a chair outside of the circle and then made sure my battery had enough juice before planting myself just outside the circle as the group welcomed Angel and Collins.

Paul was talking to them, softly and quietly. "Who wants to go first?"

I heard a newcomer who was sitting next to Angel say to her, "We're discussing ways we have felt better about ourselves in the past week."

A woman wearing a big, puffy sweater raised her hand. Paul nodded. "Go ahead, Susan."

She took a deep breath, nodding back. "Call me Sue." There was a pause as I focused my camera on her and zoomed in on her face. "Well...I was taking the Metro North to visit my grandmother...and I heard somebody talking about drugs. And..." She faltered.

Paul merely smiled calmly. "How did you feel when you heard this person talking about drugs?"

Her eyes drifted to the ground as she continued, smirking lightly. "Well...I thought, 'I haven't used for over a year now.'" Her smirk widened slightly. "And...I was really proud of myself."

There was some soft congratulations from the others, and then Paul said, "Thank you very much, Sue. Now, who wants to go next?" There was silence. "Nobody?" I was re-focusing my camera, twiddling with a lens so that the entire group was in focus. Suddenly, I saw Paul look at me through the lens. "What about you, Mark?"

I laugh softly. God, I felt like an idiot that day at Life Support, I think. I went there almost every week, filming them for this documentary. I don't think Paul ever asked me a question another time after that day...

I stuttered softly as I lowered my camera slightly, looking at Paul over the still filming camera. "Err...me?"

Paul nodded. "Did anything happen to you this week that made you feel good?"

My face was red, and I knew very well it was. "Well...I, uh...sorry, wasn't expecting this..."

Paul smiled. "Anything at all."

I looked up from my camera, looking at him right in the eye. There was a pause, and then I spoke. "Well...I was looking through my...uh, my footage...the other day. And...well, I found...some footage of...a bunch of my friends and me. And...well, we were all looking happy." I sounded like an idiot, and I knew that very well. "And I...uh, thought, 'If it was happy then, it'll be happy...soon.'"

Silence. Then Paul spoke. "Thank you. We must always remember that, no matter how hard yesterday might have been, there are happy times now we can think about."

"Yeah," I blurted out. A few people look at me oddly, and I back away, emerging myself once again completely into watching them through the camera.

That's why Paul never asked me a question during Life Support again, I think with another laugh.

Paul then looked around at the rest of them. "Does anybody else want to share something with us?"

Out of the blue, Angel raised her hand. "I have something to say."

After a moment of silence, Paul nodded. "Go ahead, Angel."

Angel smiled. "Well, life's been a bit tough lately. Me and my sweetie here have been trying to find a place to live, and it's not very easy." She squeezed Collin's hand slightly. "But every day I tell him how much I love him, and he tells me the same thing back." She smiled broadly. "That's what I have to feel happy about. I have somebody to love."

I get up suddenly, switching off the projector. I feel the tears stinging my eyes, wanting to burst forth, but I wouldn't let them. Not only was Angel's love so strong it warmed her from the harsh January winter. It gave her happiness and joy when others could only see hopelessness.

I wanted that kind of love, after that. I wanted to find somebody to love, to take care of me. I wanted to use the kind of love Angel had to escape from the pains of the world. But it didn't seem possible. My heart seemed to have gone numb. So I hid myself further in my camera.

My eyes drift over to my camera, lying next to my bed. I almost felt like glaring at it. It had 'protected' me so falsely. It had 'saved' me from worrying about everybody else. I dived into it, thinking I was safe. But it showed it's true colors on Halloween. Didn't it?

I sigh, my eyes closed. I can't have been watching for that long. I open my eyes, looking back at the clock. ...Eleven? How could that little piece of film have taken a full hour? I shrug, sighing. I was getting a little too involved in this digging back. But I couldn't stop my mission yet. I had to look through as many of these tapes I had cut. I had to. In there was the key to escaping from my solitude. ...Maybe.