Karla: Well, at least you got around to it.
Guy: Lazy. He's just lazy, that's all there is to it.
Draknal: No pay for you! Come back in one year!
Guy: That's copyrighted.
Draknal:… Anyway, I am back, and hopefully this chapter will be enjoyed by many. Raven?
Raven: Draknal does not own Fire Emblem or any of the copyrighted Fire Emblem characters, just the tactician and the plot.
Draknal: Role that fic!
Christmas Insanity!
By: Draknal
Chapter 4: Of Toast and Meetings
Jordan dragged himself back over the side of the ship.
'Ugh, got to think more… before I act…' He counted that as the second time he did something that he ended up regretting while being on this ship.
He crawled away to his room, hoping he could find some peace there. On the way he passed Sain.
"Why good day Sir J- What happened to you?" Sain had been seeing some strange things lately, but this was just plain weird. The tactician was covered with bruises and was completely soaked.
"One word… Karel." He then continued towards his room.
Sain thought of all the other unfortunate incidents that had taken place involving the tactician while on the ship. 'He has got to be the most unlucky person I have ever met. It's a wonder he has survived all the battles we have been in.'
Nevertheless Sain went back to walking down the hallway. Rounding a corner he bumped into Florina.
Florina, being afraid of men as she was, especially Sain, screamed. "EEK!"
"Oh! I'm so sorry Miss Florina! I apologize for being so careless. I'll be on my way." And then he left.
Florina stood in the hallway by herself trying to grasp what had just happened. Sain had bumped into her, he apologized, and then went on his way. He didn't try to flirt with her? That just wasn't like Sain…
She decided to try and forget that she had even bumped into him and walked away.
Going further down the hall Sain passed by Priscilla and Serra.
"Good morning ladies," he greeted. He continued on without saying anything else.
"Hey Serra?"
"Yeah Priscilla?"
"Did you notice anything funny about Sain?" asked the confounded Valkyrie.
"Yeah, he was wearing a new headband."
"No, I mean, did you notice anything funny about the way he acted?" Priscilla asked, hoping Serra wouldn't be so dense this time.
"Um, you mean the fact he didn't try to hit on us?" Serra too wondered about this now.
"Yeah, it's really weird. Maybe Sain has finally learned his lesson about being flirty."
Serra looked over to Priscilla. "Sain? Nah, he'll always be a half-witted flirt."
The two continued to discuss the matter as they left the hallway and went up to the main deck of the ship.
It wasn't until Sain reached his room that he fully understood what had just occurred.
"Wait a minute. I walked by a pair of beautiful women, and I didn't say anything witty or flattering to them?" He decided it might be better for him if he stayed in his room to contemplate this matter.
Nils was in his room when two people entered.
"Ah, have you gathered the"- Nils stopped talking when he saw the appearance of his two visitors; a very beat up looking Matthew and a singed Legault. "What in the world happened to you two!"
Matthew explained what had happened to him. "Well, you see. We were outside Jordan's room and were going to break in and look for the information you asked for…"
"And?" asked an impatient Nils.
"Well…"
-Flashback-
Matthew and Legault were outside the tactician's room and were about to enter. Legault reached for the knob.
"Wait!" Matthew grabbed Legault's hand. "We have to be sneaky, and besides it's probably locked, so why don't you pick the lock instead?"
Seeing no harm in the suggestion, Legault pulled out a small device and proceeded to insert it into the lock of the door. However, when he stuck it in, a fireball shot out of the keyhole.
"Yaaaaa! Put it out!" screamed the flaming thief. His hair and cloak had caught fire.
"Hang on Legault! I'll help you!" Matthew grabbed the nearest object he could find, which in this case was a chair.
"Stop, drop, and roll!" shouted Matthew.
What was he doing with the chair you ask? Why, as soon as Legault started rolling, Matthew began hitting him repeatedly with the chair.
"Ouch! What are you- OW! Why are you hitting me!" yelled a very much in pain Legault.
"I'm trying to help put out the fire!"
Just as they figured it couldn't get any worse, Bartre rounded a corner.
He saw Matthew hitting Legault with the chair. Unfortunately his brain couldn't figure out that Matthew was trying to help the ex-black fang member.
"Oh boy! Wrestling! Bartre wants to play!" Bartre then joined the brawl.
"What the-" Matthew turned around to see Bartre bounding towards him. "Bartre! NOOOOO!"
Too late. Bartre ran up to the tactician's door and ripped it off of its hinges. Then he started hitting Matthew with it in the same way that he had hit Legault with the chair, only he did it without any effort.
"Bartre am the winner!" declared a triumphant Bartre minutes later. He then took the door and stuck it back where it was.
Matthew was lying on the floor sprawled out with spirals in his eyes and Legault was laying next to him charred black with X's in his eyes.
Eventually, after Matthew felt he could manage it, he helped Legault up and they limped back to Nil's room.
-End Flashback-
Silence. Nils was speechless, for a little bit at least.
"You're telling me… that you two idiots… didn't even use the doorknob!" screamed Nils.
Legault's eyes started twitching as he shot Matthew a death glare.
"Get out of my sight!" yelled Nils in anger.
'I'm surrounded by idiots…'
Upon reaching his room Jordan pulled out his key and unlocked the door. When he pushed the door open it fell off its hinges.
"..." Hadn't he gone through enough for one day?
'How am I supposed to get any privacy when I don't even have a working door…'
Exasperated from all the events that took place earlier that day, he leaned the door against the frame and put a chair up against it for support.
"I'll fix it some other time…" Feeling more tired than he had ever been before, he flopped onto his bed and fell fast asleep.
'What has happened to me? I have lost my manly charm. What will become of the lovely ladies who will never hear praise from me? Woe is me!' Sain obviously wasn't taking the matter very lightly. Not complementing a beautiful woman when you have the chance would be considered a sin by him.
"Wait a minute… Jordan was acting kinda strange earlier when he was using pickup lines that sounded strangely familiar… no… it couldn't be… he somehow stole my charm! The fiend! He was having no luck in picking up women so he figured, 'I'll just take Sain's charm and get all the women for myself!' This will not go unanswered!" Sain jumped up to go find the tactician, or some lead as to what he was doing.
Off in another part of the ship, Karel was hard at work creating something. No one knew what but, because Karel wouldn't tell them, but he was definitely working hard.
'Yes, yes. Now I can exact my revenge on the evil one… He shall feel the cinnamony wrath of the toast! Mwuahahaha!'
When he finished his 'work' he gathered up his things and set off to find a certain person…
The Lords were busy talking in the large meeting room of the ship. They were discussing different methods of fighting on the Dread Isle and how they would go about defeating, or at least trying to defeat Nergal.
Eliwood proposed waiting for Athos to return from whatever task he set off to do, and Hector said they should go in full force and catch Nergal off guard. Lyndis took no particular side, but pointed out the flaws and strong points of each plan.
"Well, Eliwood makes a good point by saying that we should wait for Lord Athos to return," Lyn started. "With the legendary weapons and his added power, we would stand a better chance against Nergal. But, if we wait too long, Nergal could open the gate and we would be too late. Hector, you have a valid point when you say that we should act soon, but if we rush in recklessly we could end up in a trap."
"But Lyn, we have to take that chance, because at any moment that blackheart could open the gate, and unleash a destructive force that Elibe hasn't seen since the scouring!" remarked Hector.
This went on for a while.
When they reached a break in the conversation, Eliwood brought up a different topic. "Have either of you noticed our tactician acting a little weird lately?"
"Nope. As far as I can tell, he's perfectly normal. I haven't seen too much of him though," replied Hector.
Lyndis had a bit of a different answer. "Hmph. I think he's been hanging around Sain too much. He's beginning to act like him."
Hector couldn't hold back a laugh. He thought about the tactician trying to flirt with Lyn and getting beat up by her. 'That must have been hilarious. Too bad I missed it.'
Not knowing where to begin, Sain went to his closest friend, Kent, for advice.
"Okay, explain this to me again Sain. And this time try to make sense."
"Okay. I can no longer flirt with the ladies, because I have lost my charm. I believe Jordan, our tactician, took it for himself so that he would have better luck in wooing the ladies."
Kent could only stare at his friend, before telling him what he thought. "Sain, that is preposterous. Our tactician wouldn't do something like that. When has he ever seemed to hate you? And besides, even if he wanted to, he couldn't perform the magic or hex or whatever necessary to do that. My advice to you is to leave Jordan alone. He's gone through quite a lot lately."
"But Kent!" Sain retorted.
"Sain, please. For your sake and Jordan's, leave him alone." Seeing that he would get no further help, Sain left Kent's room and went about his own business.
After having a long slumber with no interruptions or death threats, Jordan felt he was ready to continue with his duties. He realized something though. 'If I can't get my own troops to respect me, how am I going to lead them to victory against a power hungry maniac?'
He went for a walk out on the main deck. The night was cloudless, cool, and the moon and stars shown brightly.
'I have to establish myself as a good leader. I'll call a meeting, and let them all know that.'
As he was getting ready to turn and go back down into the ship, he felt a strange tingling in his spine. His hairs stood on end. That could only mean one thing…
He looked around wildly, hoping to find whoever was trying to sneak up on him.
'No one… I guess I'm just a bit on edge. Heh, no on was there.'
Then he came face to face with the Sword Demon himself. He was wearing a red cloak.
Karel gave a mischievous grin, followed by, "Hi there."
Jordan gulped, and hoped the psychopath before him wasn't planning on cutting him down. "Uh, hi… Karel. How are you tonight? Heh…"
"Oh I'm just fine, but there is something I must say."
The tactician knew this wouldn't end well. "Uh, what might that be? And what's with the cloak?"
Without wasting another moment, Karel whipped off the cloak to reveal… a white Swordmaster outfit with pictures of French Toast printed all over it. He also had a headband adorned with French Toast prints. Then he pulled out from behind him, a spear with a flag on it with one large picture of French Toast.
"I am no longer merely the Sword Demon, but the French Toast King! And this is what I must say!"
"No more shall French toast be mercilessly abused. Bread shall stand tall and butter still taller on top of it. All ye who speak the words French toast will remember this day for seconds to come. They shall remember the day that we stood up to oppression and cast down the French toast haters. Without bread there would not be toast. Without butter there would not be butter crispers. Without French toast there would not be French toast recipes. Without whatever else people put in French toast there would not be all sorts of random things that need things that go in French toast. So return to the light from your heathen ways and take up the French toast! All you who listen have one final chance to repent before the wrath of the mighty French Toast King descends upon you all. The might and glory..."
(A/N Credit for this goes to a good friend of mine, Nightmare3. He came up with this by himself and agreed to let me use this. It was so funny, how could I say no?)
"Are you quite done?" Jordan felt as though he was going to fall asleep.
"Silence! Instead of killing you, like the foul one you are, I am giving you the chance to repent for your French Toast hating ways. You shall worship the Toast!"
The tactician narrowed his eyes. "Never…"
"Beast! The power of the Toast shall prevail over you this day!"
Jordan turned to run, but Karel was quicker. He grabbed the cape that Jordan had on as part of his attire. He yanked it and the poor tactician fell backwards and landed on his back. Then Karel took the spear he had and thrust it through the cape, so now the tactician was immobile.
Karel knelt over him and reached behind him for something.
'Oh no. This is it,' thought Jordan. 'He's gonna pull out his Wo Dao and finish me off. Why must it end like this!'
However Karel did not pull out his trusty Wo Dao. He pulled out… a… a… a piece of French Toast!
He raised the Toast high in the air, then brought it down across the tactician's face.
He continued assaulting him in this manner yelling, "The power of the toast compels you! The power of the toast compels you!"
Before ya knew it, the tactician was unconscious.
'My work here is done,' thought Karel. He pulled the spear from the cloak and went into the ship, content with what he had done. 'When he wakes up he will be a believer of the toast.'
It was about an hour before our luckless tactician woke up from his French Toast beating. 'Ugh, my face hurts… and why do I have the urge to eat a lot of French Toast?'
He put this thought aside and went into the ship to the room where the lords were still discussing the matter of Nergal and the Dragon's Gate.
"Ah, Jordan I am glad you have come. We need your opinion on a matter at hand." Eliwood knew if anyone could help them come to a decision on their plan of action it was there trusted tactician who was trained in the ways of war.
However Jordan he forgot about one thing…
'Twang'
"Ah my dear Lady Lyndis! I am glad to have found you! I did not get to finish earlier. One so stunning as yourself can never get enough compliments and I must see to it that that is taken care of! I am honored to be in the presence of one who possesses not only amazing fighting skills, but incredible beauty as well!"
Hector gave Eliwood a confused look. "Is this what you were talking about?"
Eliwood merely nodded, as to confirm Hector's question. He was thinking about what Lyn might do to the poor tactician.
Lyn's eyebrows were twitching, and when she could stand it no longer… "That's it!"
The angered Blade Lord jumped out of her seat and began to strangle the tactician where he stood. The lack of air must have helped Jordan return to his senses.
"Lyn…" he gasped. "Please… stop… can't… breathe…"
Hector was laughing so hard that he fell out of his seat. Eliwood on the other hand didn't think that their tactician's death would be as amusing…
"Lyndis, peace. Please let our tactician go, or else we might as well let Nergal just open up the gate and destroy all of Elibe. We need our tactician, and besides, I think he's coming around to his normal self again."
Lyn released her grip on the tactician's neck.
-GASP-
"For Elimine's sake, and mine, please don't do that again Lyn."
Lyn simply shot him a death glare.
"Anyway, as you can all plainly see I am back to normal. As I have told Eliwood, lately when I am around women, I feel the extreme urge to compliment and flirt with them. I can't help it, and sometimes it just takes over."
Hector kept laughing and was turning different colors form lack of air due to way too much laughing.
"Ooooookay. Now Jordan, what is that you came here to talk to us about?" Inquired Eliwood.
"Well, actually I need you to gather everyone that you can in here so that I can talk to them all."
"I suppose we can arrange that, but for what reason?"
Jordan explained his situation and how he needed respect form the troops. Eliwood completely agreed with him on the matter.
A few minutes later most of the army was gathered in the meeting room.
Many were asking each other what they were doing in the room. Others were complaining about having to travel up so many flights of steps, and they had good reason to. The meeting room was at the top of the ship, far away form the rooms they were staying in at the bottom of the boat.
Matthew was the last person to enter the room that was planning on coming. He was busy eating some food he had stolen from the kitchen. In this case it was a banana.
"Matthew no eating in here, it is a distraction to others." Oswin was the only one who would say something like that.
Matthew just shrugged and threw the banana peel aside. He sat himself next to Guy, so he could have someone to talk to during the meeting.
"Psst. Hey, what's this meeting supposed to be about?" asked Matthew.
Guy looked around the room. "I dunno, but most of the army's here so it must be important."
"Attention! Excuse me! Yeah, hi." Jordan had successfully gotten everyone's attention.
"The reason I have called you here is that I wanted to have a talk with you about our fight on the Dread Isle that is to come." He started pacing in the front of the room.
"Now, in order for me to properly lead this assault against Nergal, I need you all to be able to listen and comply with orders that I give you. This requires you all to give me the respect I deserve. If you don't respect me-"
Laughter broke out across the room.
"IF YOU DON'T RESPECT ME!" he yelled.
Most of the laughter died down.
-Ahem- He started again. "If you don't respect me, how can I expect you to take my orders seriously in combat as critical as this next and most likely last fight."
The room was dead silent. Jordan felt as though he was getting through to his troops.
"This will involve you not only listening to me without questioning me, but, you can not, I repeat, CAN NOT, attack or harm me in any way as most of you have done through various pranks and misdeeds, many of which I am not going to state…"
A group "Aww…" was heard in the room.
"As I was saying, you can not harm, maim with furniture" he said glaring at Florina, who hid behind her sisters, "stab, impale, punch, kick, shove, burn, zap, blast, whack me with a blunt object, trip me, or slap me with a piece of French Toast..." he said staring at Karel, who only stared back. "Do I make myself clear on these conditions? I am a tactician! Not a punching or beating bag! I am a living being! If any of you fail to comply with these rules, I will quit my position as a tactician. You will have no one to guide you through your battle with Nergal! Understood!"
The room was deadly quiet, then a piece of fruit flew out of the crowd and hit the tactician. "You didn't mention the throwing of objects!" yelled Matthew.
The room roared with laughter. Even Eliwood, as gracious and courteous as he was, couldn't help himself.
"Grr… That's it! I'm going back to my room!"
Jordan started storming toward the door.
"I hope you all are happ-"
But before he could finish his foot landed on something… He gasped in horror as he saw at the last instant a banana peel under his foot.
Before he could stop himself, he started sliding toward the door, which led down several long flights of steps… (A/N Who didn't see this coming?)
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!..."
The tactician's scream could be heard echoing down the stairway.
Could the tactician's timing be any worse. Who happened to be walking by the bottom of the stairs at that moment? None other than our favorite young green haired mage, Nino.
"YAAAA!"
Nino looked up the stairway and saw the tumbling tactician flying down the stairs towards her. "Ah!"
She tried to make a run for it, but to no avail.
The tactician crashed into her and ended up on top of her.
She had spirals in her eyes, and she was completely senseless now.
"Wow, thank goodness I landed on something soft…"
He looked to see what he had landed on and to his horror, it was Nino.
"Ack! Nino! Please speak to me Nino! Don't be injured or hurt or anything!"
It was too late for that.
He could feel an ominous, looming presence behind him.
Slowly, he turned his head to see… Jaffar.
His eyes were fixed on the tactician's. "This is the second time you have tried to do something to Nino…" came his voice, dripping with cruel malice…
"Jaffar! PLEASE! YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO ME!"
"You will explain it in 15 words, or you will have to deal with me."
Apparently Jordan didn't hear that part… "I was in a meeting and I slipped on a banana peel and I fell down the stairs and Nino was there and it wasn't my fault!"
Jaffar narrowed his eyes even more than they already were. "That was 27 words… you're over your limit."
-GASP!-
'He was counting! Oh crap… there has to be some way I can stall him…'
He thought of every option he could in the short amount of time he was given.
"I am sorry! I promise I will never go anywhere near her again! It was all a weird set of coincidences! Please don't kill me!"
Well, sometimes groveling is the best way to save yourself…
Jaffar looked at Nino, who was starting to stir. He thought about what she would want him to do. "Fine, I will spare you this time… but if I ever catch you near her again…"
"You won't! I won't go near her again!" Jordan pleaded.
Jaffar picked Nino up and started to walk away. He didn't go too far without adding "You pervert of a tactician."
Jordan could only take so much and that was it. "Who are you calling a pervert! You're older than I am and you are around her 24/7! You freakin pedophile!"
"Whoops… that kinda just slipped out. Sorry." Jordan sweat dropped.
Jaffar was facing away from the tactician, and slowly he turned to face him.
A look of horror crossed the tactician's face, because Jaffar was now looking at him, but his body was facing away from him. Jaffar's head had just done a 180. There was murder in Jaffar's eyes.
Jordan took off running at top speed. Jaffar made no immediate attempt to pursue him. He set Nino down off to the side, and pulled out his daggers. Then he chased after the tactician with only one thought on his mind… slow…painful…torture…
Draknal: Wow, this just gets better… sorry about the cliffhanger.
Raven: I want to see him get maimed.
Draknal: You're mean, you know that?
Raven: No, I'm not, you're the one writing this stuff.
Draknal: Touché. Again I would like to credit Nightmare3 with the part about the French Toast that Karel had to say. Thanks man!
Karla: R & R! Any suggestions will be taken into consideration! Hopefully he'll get the next chapter up relatively soon.
"Reviewer Responses"
Nightmare3: Lol. Thank you for the review, and no, you don't wanna know where that spatula went… Don't' worry, Karel will strike again. Thank you again for the French Toast bit. What would I do without you?
Dias of all Final: Glad you like the fic. I will try to keep it insane, in a good way of course. D
xZero84x: Yes, Karel rulez indeed. You shall see plenty more of him to come. And yeah, Ninian is very protective of her brother, a bit too protective…
K-Gforever: Thank you for the review. Getting one from you means a lot. Let's just say the fun hasn't even begun.
ir 0/llz ll00bz: Always nice to see a new reviewer. Oh don't worry, Jaffar is still around and trying to kill the tactician, as demonstrated in this chapter. XD
DarkHyperion12: When will he get peace? Never… Not as long as I am around… heh. Thanks for the review.
LoneWolfLink: Hannah eh? Not a bad suggestion. Hehehe… I am glad you enjoy this fic so much! It makes me feel so good when writing these fics, knowing that gracious reviewers like you are out there.
Z-Animator: Always happy to have a new reviewer! Sorry about the long time to update, school is a hassle when put together with writing.
Sesshy is sexii: Sadist? ( Why would you say that? j/k I try my best. I am so happy that I got a good review from you. Thank you for saying I am a good writer. You get a cookie! –throws a cookie-
';,;'
Fhire: My, my. Straight to the point aren't we? lol. I will update as soon as I can. Sorry for the long wait. :P
Aramin RVN: I see… Well, I will continue to try and make this as funny as I can!
Windrider Sylvanon: I am happy that you like the fic. Karel loves his French toast, as this chapter shows. You make me so happy by saying this is the funniest fic ever. If I could hug you I would.
Raven: A little much don't you think?
Draknal: Silence! I am showing my reviewers how much I appreciate them! I will update as soon as my schoolwork will allow me! This time it will be sooner than a few months, I can guarantee that!