Size Doesn't Matter
Chapter 3
A Kim Possible Teleplay
by Shawn Q. Evans
Summary - Kim gets really small. So how will she stop Drakken's latest scheme? And what about cheerleading? An original shrink story (cliché-free) where everyone learns - size doesn't matter! First in a series of 'real KP' stories - original stories written in the style of the TV show. It's like getting new episodes of your favorite show! Cool!
Story copyright Shawn Q. Evans, 2005
Kim Possible and related characters copyright Walt Disney Co.
Prof. Quizby copyright Shawn Q. Evans
Scene 11 - Kim and Ron at Kim's home. Kim is ankle high and stands on the end of the couch. Kim's parents, Mr. Dr. Possible and Mrs. Dr. Possible, are there as well as Kim's twin brothers Jim and Tim.
Mr. Dr. Possible: That threw you out of school because you're a bit small? Can they do that?
Mrs. Dr. Possible: I spoke to Mr. Barkin and he said they only had to provide reasonable accommodation and then he mentioned something about a mountain of fudge, whatever that means!
Kim: It's no big - literally. This should all be over soon!
Mr. Dr. Possible: Well, whatever happens, you'll still be my little girl!
Kim: Sighhh. Not you, too?
Kimmunicator beeps
Kim: Wade, tell me this is almost over!
Wade: I think so. I've been analyzing the data, and the process is accelerating.
Ron: That's good, right?
Wade: It's rather fascinating. As your atoms compress, Kim, they get faster. You might experience some relativistic effects soon.
Ron: Huh?
Wade: It's simple Einsteinian physics. Never mind.
Kim: But that's not a problem, right?
Wade: You're almost going to be like a neutron star, the densest object in the universe, but that's not the problem.
Kim: So there IS a PROBLEM?
Ron: Kim's going to be like a star? Cool! It's just like that song - 'We are all made of stars'!
Wade: That's actually truer than you know. Our atoms come from stars!
Kim: Can we get back to my problem, please!
Wade: There's a slight - extremely slight - infinitesimal chance you'll suffer neutron/electron collapse and turn into a black hole. But you'd have to be a much more massive object for that to happen. As far as we know, anyway.
Kim: How much more massive?
Wade: Oh, about the size of two suns.
Jim: Kim's going to be a black hole! Do we still have those plans for a wormhole powered by a black hole?
Tim: In the garage!
Jim: Hoo-shah! Let's go!
Mr. Dr. Possible: Boys - what did I say about experimenting with the space-time continuum?
Jim & Tim: Not in the house!
Mr. Dr. Possible: That's right. Black holes. Heh. Kids these days.
Ron: But don't black holes s...?
Ron imagines Kim turning into a black hole and sucking him and everything else into her mass.
Kim: Don't even say it, Ron!
Wade: I wouldn't worry about that! The radiation would get you long before the gravity did!
Ron: Oh. That's a relief. I guess.
Wade: And like I said, odds are it's not going to happen.
Kim: Could we please change the subject? What about Drakken? Could you track him with that doorknob we gave you?
Wade: No could do, Kim. The signal was too weak.
Kim: Maybe you could mega boost the signal?
Wade: Already tried.
Ron: How about an ultra mega boost?
Wade: Already tried THAT, too, Ron!
Kim: Have you tried a super ultra mega boost?
Wade: Hmmm. That might work. Give me a moment.
Kim: Please and thank you!
Scene 12 - Drakken's lab. He's working on the mini particle accelerator. He wears special microscopic goggles (goggles with thick lenses to see very small objects).
Drakken: Drat! Why do they have to make the screws so teeny-tiny? Then you have to use those teeny-tiny screwdrivers!
Shego: Problem?
Drakken: No, Shego! Soon all our problems will be over! I'll activate our mini particle accelerator and find the one thing that's the same in all the universes! Do you know what that is, Shego?
Shego: Your bad hair choices?
Drakken: Bah! Even your impertinence will have to recognize my genius when I find the Quizby quark, building block of all matter, and use that to map the various and sundry universes accessible via Drakken's Dimension Door!
Shego: If you say so, Doc.
Drakken: This will work much better than a shrink ray when we need to break into some place. Let's face it, shrinking is full of problems! Who needs it?
Scene 13 - Kim and Ron at Kim's house. Wade talks to them.
Wade: Got it all set! Just attach that special doorknob and you're good to go straight to Drakken! Hey, Kim, nice wheels!
Kim's in Rufus' car in the passenger seat. Rufus is driving. Kim's smaller than Rufus. This is shortly after the last scene, so Kim's about the same size (doesn't change size).
Kim: Well, Rufus is the only one who owes me a favor who hasn't given me a ride, so it was about time!
Sound effect: KRRNCHHH
Kim falls through the bottom of the car.
Kim: Oh! I ruined your car! I'm sorry, Rufus!
Rufus: (Various unintelligible naked mole rat noises. He's upset)
Kim: I'll get you a new one, 'kay?
Ron: It's that whole weight thing, isn't it?
Kim: Ronnnn...
Ron: I know, I know. Won't say a word. Let's just go!
Ron and Kim pass through the door.
Wade: Oh, and Kim? Watch out for that particle accelerator. You don't need your particles accelerated any more than they are already!
Scene 14 - Drakken's lab. Drakken is working on the mini particle accelerator with a welder. It sprays sparks. Drakken wears a welder's mask. Drakken stops working and flips up the mask.
Drakken: What is that squeak?
Ron: She said...what did you say, Kim?
Drakken: The buffoon! What is HE doing here? Shego!
Kim: I said..You're going down!
Ron: Oh! You're making a joke about..That's great, Kim!
Shego: Looks like you left the door open, Doc! You know what happens when you do that...just anything crawls in!
Drakken: She's teeny tiny? And expects to beat us? Is this a joke?
Kim: I may be teeny, but I'm still more than enough for you!
Ron; Kim! You already used that line!
Kim: Not on them! Okay, how about..but I still pack a punch!
Drakken: What is she babbling about?
Ron: Oh, she still weighs the same as before. But don't talk about her weight! She's very sensitive about that!
Kim: I'm not sensitive about my weight! It's just that YOU'RE always bringing it up!
Ron: If you're not sensitive about it, just what IS your weight, hmmm?
Drakken: Did you ever get the feeling you stepped right in the middle of something?
Shego: OH yeah! Hey, Kimmie, usually hitting someone below the belt is a rare treat, but with you I get to enjoy it every time!
Kim: Bring it!
Shego and fight (sort of). Kim runs at Shego but Shego shifts her feet to avoid Kim. Shego laughs. Kim, flustered, shoots her hair dryer grapple gun and swings towards Shego. Which is what Shego was waiting for. Shego picks up a bar or long piece of something and holds it like a bat.
Shego: Batter up!
Shego hits Kim.
Sound effect: WHAMMO
Kim flies off and falls down a drainage hole.
Shego: Oww! That was like hitting a brick wall!
Drakken: Shego, please! Now, if you would take care of the fool?
Ron: Eep!
Shego: Grrr
Drakken: Oh, and if Kim Possible comes back - step on her! The nerve, thinking she could stop us at that ridiculous height!
Ron is tied up.
Ron: What-what did you do with Kim?
Drakken: She's where she belongs - with the other vermin! Ha ha ha ha!
Shego: Ha ha ha haaaa!
Ron: Ulp!
Scene 15 - Kim wakes up in a dark hole. She clears her head, then reacts in horror. There are giant bugs in front of her (roaches?).
Kim: Huh-wha-b-b-bugs!
Kim straightens and stands up. She's taller than the bugs.
Kim: Oh, heh, no prob, I'm bigger than they are! I can probably...
Sound effect: bloort
Kim shrinks to half the size of the bugs.
Kim:..flick 'em. Oh no!
The bugs advance on Kim.
Kim: Hey! Get back! I...
Kim slips on the incline of the hole. Her foot slams into the bugs, knocking them down and away from her like a bowling ball knocking down pins.
Kim: Wow! I knocked 'em down like they were nothing! I forgot I weigh the same as before!
A large bug menaces Kim.
Kim: Sorry, Mr. Bug! No meal here!
Kim 'flicks' the bug with her finger.
Kim: I can still 'flick em'! It's like I have super powers! Cool!
Kim crawls up the hole, using the power of her hands to make handholds along the way.
Kim: Enough fun! I have to save Ron and stop Drakken!
Scene 16 - Drakken's lab. Drakken is powering up the mini particle accelerator. Drakken wears the microscope goggles. Ron and Rufus are both tied up.
Ron: Well, Rufus, I never thought it'd end like this! If only I could see Kim again...
Something tugs on Ron's restraints.
Ron: Rufus, cut that out! This is no time for playing around!
Rufus just looks at Ron.
Rufus: Notme.
Ron: But if you're not...
Ron: Kim. It's Kim. She's back.
Kim, on the ground (and about the size of a flea), looks up at Ron.
Kim: Ron, I know you can't hear me, but use your head and shhh!
Kim fires her hair dryer grapple gun at Ron and scales him. She reaches the ropes, takes out her lipstick laser and cuts his bonds.
Ron: I know I said I wanted to see Kim again, but even if I can't it's cool! As long as she's here in some small way!
Drakken looks up and sees Ron is free.
Drakken: Eh? Shego! The buffoon is free! The little imp must be back!
Shego: Where is she?
Drakken puts on his microscopic goggles and focuses on the floor.
Drakken: There's something making indentations in the floor. It must be her!
Drakken follows the marks and
Drakken: Shego! She's heading right for you!
Ron: Wow! Kim may be small, but she sure is fast!
Shego: I've got her! Prepare to face my foot of fury, Kimmie! Ha ha!
Ron: Oh no! I can't watch!
But Ron can't avert his eyes. He looks as Shego slams her foot on the floor.
Shego: Bye bye, Princess!
Shego looks puzzled.
Shego: Huh?
Shego totters on one foot. Her slamming foot is being held in the air slightly above the floor.
Closeup on Kim. She holds the foot on her shoulders in a crouching position. Then Kim straightens up and pushes Shego away with all the power she can muster. Shego flies into a wall and is knocked unconscious.
Ron: Booyah, Kim! Highfive me! Uh, I mean lowfive me. Down low. Real low. (Ron stretches down) Yeahhhh, never mind.
Drakken: It appears I underestimated you, Kim Possible!. But even if you're microscopic and yet incredibly strong, you're still not all that! In fact, you're barely anything at all!
Drakken adjusts his microscope goggles.
Drakken: You'll never sneak up on me as long as I'm wearing these special microscope goggles! Ah! There you are!
Kim is surrounded by huge dark balls.
Kim: What are these? Dust balls? Does Drakken EVER clean? Hey, I can use these!
Kim throws the dust balls at Drakken. Drakken sneezes.
Drakken: Ah-choo! That's it? That's all you have left? It's been a total displeasure, Miss Possible!
Ron rushes towards Drakken.
Ron: You leave her alone!
Drakken: Ah ah ah! Stop right there! You wouldn't want to..STEP on her, would you?
Ron: Eeep! Kim, I hope you have a plan right about now!
At Kim's level. She shrinks again.
Sound effect: blort
Kim: Wow. I'm almost on the cellular level now! The shrinking is speeding up just as Wade said it would! It must almost be over - if I can survive that long!
Kim notices the germs lying around.
Kim: These must be Drakken's cold germs! Just the thing for a distraction!
Drakken looms over Kim. He's holding a microscope slide to put Kim on (he plans to stick her to it).
Drakken: You'll make quite an experiment!
Kim throws the cold germs at Drakken. He starts coughing in fits.
Drakken: Ah choo! ah choo! You're only delaying the inevitable!
Drakken looks around.
Drakken: Where'd you go? Ah, my node! Ah choo!
Ron: Kim! Where are you?
Ron sees the spoon lying on the floor. The end is bouncing up and down.
Ron: What? Oh, I get it! Like the flea circus! Geronimo!
Ron jumps on the end of the spoon, sending Kim flying towards Drakken.
Closeup on Kim flying.
Kim: Time to send you to the big house, Drakken! Oh, forgot Ron can't hear me! And that was my best yet!
Drakken adjusts his goggles to see Kim.
Drakken: Where are..ah, there you..are.
Kim is headed right for Drakken on a collision course. Kim gets closer and bigger.
Drakken: Oh snap.
Cue Kim's music - Do do do do do do doo do do do doo
Kim plows into Drakken, sending him flying.
Ron: Way to go, Kim!
Kim bounces off Drakken and flies up, then angles down toward the mini particle accelerator, which is charged up and running.
Ron: Oh no! Wade said she shouldn't go near the particle accelerator!
Ron palms the digital scale.
Ron: Only one chance. Hope this works!
Ron throws the small scale towards Kim. It flies through the air, and comes between Kim and the particle accelerator. Kim hits the scale at an angle and bounces off it, away from the particle accelerator. Kim falls through a box on the floor. Ron rushes towards her.
Ron: Kim! Oh no! Wade also said she shouldn't be in an enclosed area when she regains her size, and she was getting pretty small!
Ron tears at the box, ripping it open, taking the sides off.
Ron: Kim!
Sound effect: FLLSSHHH
Ron: Oh man, if there's an opposite of a shrinkfart, I don't EVEN want to know!
Kim appears, full-size.
Kim: Ohh. What a trip!
Ron: Kim! You're back to normal!
Ron hugs Kim.
Ron: I thought I lost you!
Kim: Not an option! Hey, guess I blow up real good, huh? Like a photo!
Ron: And your quips are getting better! Excellent!
Kim: I try. Hey, what's that?
Kim points to the digital scale.
Ron: Why, it's a small digital scale! I wonder what that's doing here? And it's got a reading!
Ron holds the scale upside down, so he can't see the what the reading is.
Ron: How curious! I'll just clear it...
Ron (to himself): ..and send the reading to my associate.
Kim: What?
Ron: Nothing. You know, these have many uses!
Kim: I bet. Ron, what's going on? Did you just record my weight?
Ron: I...well...maybe.
Kim: Ronnnnnn.
Ron: I wanted it to be a surprise, but if you're going to be like that…I wanted to get you something special for our mission anniversary, and Eduardo...
Kim: The fashion designer I saved from the falling catwalk?
Flashback to Kim saving the fashion designer from the falling catwalk.
Ron:..Right, he wanted to create an outfit for you, and then Mr. Leotini...
Kim: The industrialist I recovered the secret formula for?
Flashback to Kim fighting industrial spies and recovering the secret formula.
Ron:..Um hmm, he had a special memory fabric that holds it shape and actually grows with the wearer. It's going to be an awesome mission suit, just as soon as…
Wade beeps in.
Wade: Excuse me, Ron? I couldn't help overhearing. There's just one problem with your scenario.
Ron: Huh? What?
Wade: Remember how fast Kim got as she shrunk? Her atoms were approaching the speed of light, and Einsteinian physics says when that happens the mass changes.
Ron: How-how much of a change?
Wade: Oh, about 3 times.
Ron: Ohhhhhh.
Scene 17 - Kim's home. Kim, Ron, Mr & Mrs. Dr. Possible. Kim receives the new outfit. It's huge.
Mr. Dr. Possible: Ronald, I approve!
Ron: Thanks, Mr. Dr. P. So, Kim, how do you like the outfit?
Kim: It's…I think the word is voluminous.
Ron: Heh, well, maybe you'll grow into it?
Kim: Excuse me?
Ron: Uh, I meant…uh, um, err...
Kim: Oh! I'm sorry, Ron! I know you didn't mean anything insulting. You're the best friend a person could have! Thank you very much for the new outfit!
Kim hugs Ron.
Ron: Does that mean you'll wear it?
Kim smiles.
Kim: Not a chance!
Notes
I wanted to start off with a fun, rollicking, action-packed sci-fi adventure comedy featuring our two favorite villains, Drakken & Shego. I also wanted to intro the tone I plan to use in future stories - slightly more literate (but still for 'kids of all ages', I hope), with light satire, real-world things (I don't understand why so many entertainments these days have absolutely nothing to do with the 'real world'! When I was a kid, I loved that stuff!) and occasionally a (subtle) message (no hitting the kiddies over the head with 'lessons' about friendship or citizenship or some boring drivel that brings the show to a screeching halt) or even a mystery. I also wanted to start 'small' (groan). Like I said, it's just an intro to my work. I save the juicy relationship stuff/character development for future stories. This isn't the first Kim Possible story I came up with, or my best, or even my favorite, but it is the one I'm starting with.
The joke about the story's title "Size Doesn't Matter" is that everyone thinks it's a joke when it's actually 100 serious. Since the title doesn't appear on air, I think it'd be okay.
This story, like most Kim Possible episodes, isn't set in any particular time. Although this story, like most of my stories, occurs sometime before So The Drama. If I were writing Kim Possible, I wouldn't feel any need to comment on events in STD unless the story required it. There's still plenty of areas to explore with a non-romantic couple Kim & Ron, so I'd take a while to get to the 'relationship stories'.
There's a sound basis for this story in other KP episodes. There was a shrink ray in Rufus vs. Commodore Puddles that malfunctioned and enlarged things. And In Bonding, when the Bondo Ball goes off, Ron says "At least we're not shrinking, changing colors or turning into armordillos". So Ron could be talking about this story! (Don't worry, I don't have any color-changing or armordillo stories). Also, Kim & Ron took an 'Impossible Voyage' in the Disney Adventure comic, although that's not canon.
"Just-in-time supply management"? It's been in the newspaper. I suppose it's more of a college thing. I've decided to make Drakken my commentator on life in these times since he thinks he's so smart (and I know I am). Anyway, 'just-in-time' means items are ordered when needed, instead of ordering huge amounts at one time, using what you need and storing the remainder in a warehouse, which causes high storage costs. With 'just-in-time', stock doesn't stay in a warehouse for long. There's a lot of stock moving in and out of the warehouse constantly, which causes inventory control/tracking problems, which is what Drakken is complaining about.
I think this is my most 'educational' story, but I'm not TRYING to be educational. That educational TV stuff is boring. Not so my work. I'm just writing what I know. And I know lots of $#&.
The vittleveyor is real. I suppose Disney would change the name for broadcast, but 'vittleveyor' is such a perfect name, I have to keep it for the story.
When Drakken was wearing the exoskeleton/cargo-lifter in the 1st scene and menacing Ron, I originally had the following exchange:
Kim: Get away from him, you b…
Ron: Kim!
Drakken: Excuse me?
Kim: What? I'm just talking about Drakken!
So I parody both the scene in Aliens and the line from Shaft, but it wasn't appropriate because Kim doesn't swear, so I deleted it.
Kim is doing the snappy patter bit because, at this point in her save-the-world career, Drakken and Shego aren't much of a challenge (see Bad Boy), so Kim has time to work on other aspects of the hero game, like fight banter. Also, it highlights how easy it is for Kim now, so how difficult will it be when she loses her advantage?
The lady or the tiger' is an old 'choose the door' bit.
PseudoScience 101 - The Science of the Shrinkfart. There are two possible causes of this malady. One, the intestinal gas in Kim's body, being a gas ( I believe the scientific term is 'kind of floaty)', is not affected by the compression effect as quickly as the solids & liquids that make up Kim's body. Therefore, the gas needs to escape safely out of her body or she could, I believe the term is 'blow up not real good' as the gas would rip through her body, through the pores, skin, everywhere. Ewwww. Another explanation is that the compressed matter of Kim's body exerts pressure on air outside the body (say, the air between Kim's arm at rest and the side of her body, or the air between her fingers). This air then escapes rather quickly. Why it would make a sound, I don't know, except that it's funny. Of course, this really wouldn't be a fart per se, so let's drop it.
Small schools', or the 'school within a school' concept, is the latest educational 'theory' to come down the pike here in Chicago. It's all just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, as far as I'm concerned. They need to do something to justify their salaries, I suppose. Here's an idea - why not try actual teaching?
And the full phrase is 'Move over and let the big dog eat'. Middleton's team name is the Mad Dogs.
Later in the story, when some of the letters are missing, is my attempt at social satire. It's saying schools care more about sports than education.
If anyone is wondering, Kim's clothes were in her backpack when she was hit with the compression ray, so her clothes shrink the same as she does.
The Dimension Door needed an anchor, so Drakken duplicated it. Now the 2 doors are connected. They 'synch up'. Much like a radio receiver works by transmitting a signal and then pulling in the matching transmission frequency of the broadcast. Drakken's actually created a crude transmat device, but he's not interested in that. He wants the Big Prize - full teleportation! Teleport anywhere, anytime. Then no one could stop him!
There was a telephone teleporter in HiddenTalent, and the Pan Dimensional Vortex Inducer in Ron The Man and Dimension Twist, but the Dimension Door is different. The telephone teleporter was limited in its use (needed to have a phone on the other end for it to work) and the PDVI supposedly opened a gateway to another dimension, but other than that the series was rather vague on what it did. So the Dimension Doorway is a new twist on the teleport idea.
PseudoScience 102 - The Science of the Dimension Door. This could sound complicated. The simplest way to explain the Door is to imagine our Dimension A (Earth) as a round, hollow ball. Dimension B would be a smaller ball inside the larger ball. If you connect A to B, then move forward in B a step, then connect back to A, the distance traveled on A is magnified, as A is much larger than B. So you've traveled a short distance on B, but when you translate back to A, you find you've covered a much larger distance on A. Never mind. Let's just say other dimensions correspond to different points on our world, and the Door uses these 'shortcuts' to transport people anywhere on Earth.
More pseudoscience. Quarks ( and leptons) are the building blocks of matter, but there's no such thing as a Quizby quark. I can't give a science lecture in the middle of the show. Best to focus on one thing, one quark. Think of the Quizby Quark as the quark that makes up the other quarks. And a 'small particle accelerator to find a small particle' is there because it makes cartoon sense. Besides, Drakken could never steal a real particle accelerator.
At one time, some years back, there really was a flea circus in Times Square.
Fleas are bloodsuckers. They use fur to hold their eggs, so ordinarily wouldn't be interested in a hairless rodent. But they haven't seen a dog in so long they went a little nuts when they thought Rufus was a dog.
More pseudoscience. Draken explains how he's going to use the Quizby Quark as an anchor point and then note its slightly different positions in the various universes and their (geographical) relation to our dimension. It's also foreshadowing another story I have in mind. (Not the pseudoscience part, though).
The 'flicking bugs' bit is a reference to 'Roachie'. Actually, I included the car driving and insect bits to satirize the usual shrink story cliches wherein the shrinkee drives toy cars and fights giant insects with a sewing needle.
Now, some terribly cynical, skeptical people will say 'How can Ron see Kim? She's too small to see!' I would answer them that Kim's great mass kicks up a lot of debris (dust, etc.) and that's what Ron is seeing. Then I would tell them to GET A LIFE ALREADY IT'S A GN CARTOON WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF SHEESH That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Other nasty people may question how can a micro Kim see Drakken? I would answer that if you've ever seen a mug like that you'd never forget it, no matter how small you get. Or that Kim has special glasses in her backpack. Or SEE ABOVE JESUS H
Einsteinian physics? Special Theory of Relativity? How about that? Real science! How'd that get in there? Maybe this episode coud get Kim an E/I rating and they wouldn't have to give her the crappy timeslot that's always preempted on ABC. Although the real science is mixed with pseudoscience. Kim isn't approaching the speed of light, but her atoms are (much like the atoms of a neutron star move very fast). Whether that's possible, I don't know. I don't even know how the compression thing works. It has to be related to gravity, somehow. Maybe the ray opened up a connection to a singularity in another universe and it's pulling her atoms closer together, or...I got nothing. I'm just making it up as I go. By the way, the '3 times' figure comes from an article on Relativity. An object moving at 95 of the speed of light would have a mass of slightly more than 3 times it's original mass (5 pound to 16 pounds). Also, Kim appears to Ron to move faster, but to Kim she's moving at the same speed. Time slows down about 70 for her at 95 of the speed of light. Don't ask me to explain it any better than that. I'm no physicist.
I minimize gadgets so it's 'just Kim' who beats the villains, even at tiny size. I thought about giving her special glasses (binocular glasses) but I wanted to keep the focus on Kim's abilities.
Rufus is the most challenging character to write. Even the show's writers feel that way, judging by how they use Rufus. It seems half the time Rufus is a deus ex machina that saves the day. Most other times he's comic relief inserted into the story but with little relation to the story. So I at least try to come up with things for Rufus to do. The tape measure bit, the flea bit, the toy car bit. And Rufus tied up has to be a first (well, it's rare, anyway). I admit the hopping on vertalift controls and tickle feather bits are dues ex machinaish, but hopefully they work.