Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Harry Potter, nor Harry Potter himself. x)
Holding On
Summary: Lily's crazy over this one guy whose last act pushes her off the edge. There's only one person she can hold onto at the moment.
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"Lily, you are such a doofus," remarked Deidre sceptically, pulling on a white sweater vest over her pink top, "A doofus."
"This is for Brandon, Dee Dee," chuckled Andii, glancing over at their short red-haired friend who was quietly adjusting her skimpy white tank top, "Braaaandon. Y'know, the one Lily's been in love with since - well, since forever."
"Stop putting so much exaggeration on your words," Lily finally said, "It's bloody annoying. I can almost see the italics in my head."
"Whatever," Dee Dee (Deidre) said impatiently, "I still think you're a doofus. Skiving through the snow in just that?"
"Enough with the italics!" Lily burst out.
"Okay, we'll stop saying words weirdly, but Merlin, just going to Hogsmeade at Christmas - oh, my bad - in that thing? You can't even wrap up a two-year-old with that much material! Lily, you sure are - "
"A doofus," Dee Dee finished for Andii with great flourish.
Andii said nothing (which meant she agreed) and turned expectantly to Lily.
"Why don't you just go out with James? Now there's a nice bloke. And he treats you well, Lil, you're just too much of a doofus to realise it," Dee Dee said snappishly, a little annoyed at her friend who was incorrigibly dense when it came to James, "And he only hexes Snivellus cause he deserves it. The nasty git."
"Honestly Lily, Dee's right. Brandon treats girls like scum. He only has half an eye for sticks on legs with blonde hair and blue eyes. He's only using you, Lily. He got you to lie to McGonagall and say that you wanted to study in her classroom so he could snog Illeana in it!" exclaimed Andii.
Then she and Dee Dee fell into a rant about Lily and her thickness.
"You've got excuses for James saying he's a nasty, arrogant prick - "
" - but Brandon's head's bigger than the entire world and would feed the starving people in Africa till the day they die!"
"I can't even sit near him in Potions because I'm scared his ear will suddenly slap me in the face!"
"HIS HEAD IS JUST SO BLOODY BIG!" yelled Andii.
" - and then - shush Lil, I like my italics - you've always got good excuses for Brandon, saying how he's just being a normal teenage boy - "
" - but what about James? He's cute too, you know. Give him a - "
" - bloody chance!"
Through all that, they hadn't noticed Lily had slipped out of the dormitory.
---
Lily breathed in the stuffy and warm air around her. She ignored the stares of fellow students who clearly thought she was insane for wearing nothing but a thin tank top out in such weather.
She wondered if Professor Dumbledore would see this as a black mark on her record, and therefore her much desired dream of becoming Head Girl the next year were ruined.
Suddenly, the whole idea seemed much... stupider. As Dee Dee and Andii had been trying to say for the past few minutes. Hours. Okay, maybe days.
But what did they know? Lily kicked a stray stone on the path and shivered. It was getting cooler.
Brandon was cute and he had gorgeous hair and eyes. His smile was something to die for, but it was rarely seen. His true smile, that is. His fake one that he used on girls was seen all the time. He was a prick.
Lily thought he was a gift sent from heaven.
But then, love is blind.
Andii always said Brandon was just using Lily, her being a perfect student and a prefect and all. She was a good person to have on your side. A very good person to be quite besotted with you, too.
Lily almost died and went straight to heaven when Brandon finally acknowledged her. She had crushed on him since... forever. And not once did he look in her direction.
He had been really nice to her at first. Lily thought they could become more than friends, then Brandon picked this girl from Hufflepuff to become his SOUL MATE. After that, he began to treat Lily as one would treat a slave. At first, Lily didn't mind. Hell, she was quite pleased. But then Brandon became more ordering and not quite-so-nice. And Lily had other things to do, too. She had homework and prefect duties.
But she still really liked him.
He's really sweet and nice when he wants to be! Lily thought angrily, trying to fight her annoying friends' voices in her head, And we have so much in common.
James hated his guts. He hated how he treated the girl of his dreams. It was MEAN.
Lily shivered again. She approached the Entrance Hall and got her name marked off, ignoring Filch's "Yer'll be comin' back 'ere half-frozen, girlie."
Brandon's latest mission for her?
Well, it wasn't really a mission... More like a, "you do this and I'll do something to please you."
Brandon said that if Lily could spend an entire four hours in Hogsmeade (outdoors) in just a piece of clothing from one of his girlfriends, he and her would have a special dinner alone at the Astronomy Tower.
Of course, Lily had jumped for it.
Four hours in the snow in a tanktop? That was easy!
But looking at it now, Lily decided it wasn't going to be so.
She closed her eyes and tried to breathe between the gaps of her teeth, and hugged herself. People were staring at her as they walked past.
She had to find Brandon. He had promised to be waiting for her outside the Three Broomsticks.
So Lily quickly set off. Her arms were turning pink and she felt numb. A few tears stung her eyes. She felt hopelessly alone and well, cold.
She saw the big pub ahead and quickened her pace. She was just this (mental image of thumb and finger almost touching) close to telling Brandon the deal was off.
THE THREE BROOMSTICKS was painted in a splash of warm red across the brown sign that was edged with gold.
Brandon wasn't there.
Lily sighed. She hugged herself and wondered what on earth she should do.
She'd keep going on the deal, that was what. She'd show Brandon. She was going to have dinner with him.
Defiant, she began to search the cold and frosty village of Hogsmeade for a certain boy who was an arrogant asshole and badly needed a reality check because he had the brain capacity of a four-year-old who's been dropped on the head about a million times!
But of course, Lily did not know any of that.
C'mon, be somewhere around here... please? Lily thought desperately. Tears stung into her eyes as she looked left and right for any sign of light brown hair.
Her skin was now glowing a dangerous pink. Her teeth were chattering badly and her blood felt as though it had been chilled.
Lily couldn't take it anymore. She was definitely not going to continue on this stupid deal thing. She turned around to run back to the Three Broomsticks but it began to rain halfway.
"Why me?" she whimpered, the icy cold rain lashing her numb skin. She was so cold she couldn't feel anything.
And why in the name of Merlin was it raining now? When it was supposed to be snowing!
Looking at the white ice piles, she realised none of them were melting.
People around her were running and screaming, ducking into nearby shops to find warmth and shelter.
Maybe she should be doing the same...
But Lily stood out there, all alone in the street. The rain poured down on her and her breathing shortened.
She was an idiot.
It was so obvious it wasn't even funny.
She was a doofus.
Dee Dee and Andii were right. Brandon was worth nothing more than a pile of Hippogriff droppings.
So why did she bother chasing him all those years?
Lily looked up into the sky and received a slap of ice-rain in return.
Because she was shallow. All she could see was Brandon's good looks and charm.
I'm not shallow, she argued, If I was, I'd be snogging Potter right now...
Potter may be a bit of a prick, but at least he treats girls like they're human.
Shut up, we're not talking about Potter. We're talking about how I need to get out of here.
Lily felt a few more tears fall down her face. It could've been the rain, but they were warm.
She was going to freeze into a human ice cube because she had been stupid enough to venture into the snow and rain without wearing at least three layers...
All for a boy.
People do stupid things for love.
It's not even love, Lily thought furiously, It's... nothing.
Maybe she could die out here, in the middle of Hogsmeade when it was almost Christmas. In the middle of the snow and rain. Wearing nothing but a tanktop and jeans, as if she was dressed for a moderately warm day at the beach.
Maybe...
MOVE YOU STUPID GIRL, Lily heard her brain yell, GET TO THE THREE BROOMSTICKS AND BE WARM! WAAARRRM. YOU'LL DIE OUT HERE!
Honestly, Lily had never heard of anyone freezing to death. Sure, she'd heard the saying but...
MOVE ALREADY, EVANS.
Lily sighed and commanded all her muscles to move, which was really, really hard.
She took a step and shivered violently. She almost swayed and fell, but she kept her balance. Then another step. And another. By her fifth step her muscles had loosened up and she had gotten used to the ice cubes pounding down on her.
I'll never complain about hot weather again, she found herself thinking bitterly.
When Lily finally reached the Three Broomsticks, she fell heavily on the door and collapsed in. Many customers near the door looked up in alarm at this freakishly pale girl with blue lips who was soaked to the bone.
Lily squeezed her eyes shut because the thought of the merry pub was too much for her. A lump rose in her throat and when she opened her eyes, her vision was blurred with tears.
She took another step forward and managed to limp across to a secluded table in the corner.
It was nice and warm... but she had read somewhere that if you are suddenly transported to a warm area when you have been soaked and cold, it was bad for you.
Maybe she'd catch her death of pneumonia.
You're thinking suicidal because of a boy?
That wasn't Lily Evans. She was unbreakable. She was pretty, smart and nice. But surely a boy couldn't make her world fall apart. Especially a boy like Brandon.
Lily began to shiver again.
No, she couldn't lose her pride and dignity for a boy. Definitely not.
But... maybe she already had...?
A tide of memories washed over her. The time when she did a humiliating act in front of the school for Brandon's entertainment. All the "favours" she had done for him, yet he had thrown it back in her face.
And now, she had almost killed herself (well, a tad bit of an exaggeration) just for a date with him.
God, she was daft.
Lily felt tears prick her eyes again.
She didn't like thinking negative about herself. She was always so sure that she was a good person that people loved. That people--
"Lily?"
She looked up, her teeth chattering, and saw James Potter looking down at her. He looked something beyond awed. What was more, he was by himself. Usually he was surrounded by his friends.
Lily didn't say anything.
"What happened to you?" James wanted to know. And without further ado, he slid into the seat beside her and set his tankard of Butterbeer on the wooden table.
"Nothing..." Lily murmured.
"Okay, that's cool," James said, staring into space.
Lily frowned at him.
"So where'd you get all the make up?"
She ignored him for a moment. Then she decided the question wasn't that insulting (not to mention random) and said, "What do you mean?"
"Well..." James looked her up and down, "The blue lipgloss, for one thing. And that pinkish white tan. Kinda like apple blossom. Oh yeah, and that stuff that you're drenched with. Body glo splash?"
Lily bit her lip, then she smiled.
James was weird, that was definite.
"It's not make up," she said simply, looking longingly at the frothy warm Butterbeer in front of her.
"Another Butterbeer, please," James called out loudly.
Lily blushed as the bar lady set a tankard of Butterbeer on the table.
"That's mine, don't touch it," James said dangerously. Then he grinned and said, "Just kidding. It's yours."
"Thank you," Lily muttered, reaching out. Her limp fingers weakly grasped onto the handle and she took a sip.
It was heaven.
"So if it's not make up, what is it?" James asked innocently, "You haven't been out in the rain and snow in just that, have you?"
Really, what was it with people and italics?
"Yeah, actually," Lily murmured, drinking her Butterbeer gratefully. Another thing that made her feel warm and fuzzy inside was the fact that she was enjoying Potter's company.
Actually enjoying it.
Looking at his face, she knew she ought to explain a little.
So she did. Starting with her obsession with Brandon, to the idiotic things she had done, to the warnings Andii and Dee Dee had given her, to her last mental activity.
James stared blankly at the end of it all, while Lily looked at him expectantly, waiting for a response of some sort.
"You," James picked up his Butterbeer and took a long drink, "Have a messed up life."
Lily was so furious and surprised at his answer that she slopped some of her precious Butterbeer over him.
"What? Is that all you can say?" she burst out angrily, "You're... terrible!"
"Yeah, but not as bad as Brandon," James said grimly, picking up a pink napkin and dabbing his face delicately.
Lily couldn't say anything against that. In the last two hours, she had realised... that Potter was better than Brandon.
Much better.
She drained the last of her Butterbeer, and before she could stop him, James ordered two hot chocolates.
"So... you over this guy?" James asked casually, sprinkling hundreds and thousands over the frothy cream on his hot chocolate.
Lily shrugged, "I've decided boys aren't worth my time."
"You know," James said, looking and sounding quite serious, "There are a few gems out there..."
Lily said nothing; her life was getting too romance-novelish for her liking. She took a sip of her hot chocolate and felt the warmth move down her throat.
Two seconds later, she set the china cup down.
"I'm sick of it all," she burst out, "I've been waiting for Brandon to notice me there, you know in those movies where the girl's always there but the guy's too daft to realise? And he's just dating girl after girl, totally disregarding the other girl who he takes for granted. I'm sick of it. In movies, the guy realises her in the end and they live happily ever after. But this isn't a movie, and in movies even the guy is half-decent. Brandon isn't."
James looked thoughtful.
"Well... maybe you've been living the wrong movie," he said softly, "Have you ever seen the movie where there's a girl who's in love with this guy that everyone seems to like? And then there's another boy in the background who really likes her, but she hates him because she thinks he's an arrogant little berk?"
Lily knew where he was getting at, and she didn't like it. But before she could say anything, James prodded on.
"The boy really does like her and he tries his best to make her notice him. But... she doesn't. And--"
"--the girl realises that boys aren't worth her time and shifts her concentration onto her studies," Lily finished with the air of finality.
James shot her a look, then sighed.
He loved that girl, but she was impossible.
After they finished their hot chocolates in silence, Lily searched for her money bag.
No way was she letting James pay for her. That'd be too much like a... like a date.
Like a thoughtful thing a boyfriend would do for a girlfriend.
Lily searched everywhere, but couldn't find her money bag. It occurred to her it must've fallen out when she was running around, looking for Brandon.
What a day.
James seemed to realise what was going on.
"I'll pay," he said heavily.
To Lily's horror, a lump rose in her throat, and she burst into tears.
Well, to be honest, James had no bloody clue what was going on. He feverishly tried to work out how the two words "I'll pay" could cause girls to resort to tears.
But he tried to be a sensitive sort of guy and sat back down, nervously murmuring to Lily.
"Don't worry... it's only like three Galleons... you don't even have to pay me back..."
Lily almost laughed through her tears.
Because James was so daft.
"It's not that, you great big buffoon!" Lily said half-angrily. It was hard to figure out what her real tone was.
"Everything's going wrong and-- it's too much for me at the moment! Everyone has their weak moments, you know! And... my--... my parents might be getting a divorce."
At those words she lost all control and her elbows weakened. They slipped off the table and it was a good thing James was sitting right beside her.
Because Lily realised instantly that she would not be able to stay up by herself. She needed... support. Someone's company. Even if it was Potter's. Because Potter was better than nobody.
Her throat felt like it was going to explode and she burst into sobs again as she saw her carefully constructed life fall apart. Lily fell against James and, ashamed, buried her face in his jumper. She wasn't aware of what she was doing.
James was surprised. And shocked. And awed. And above all, confused. But even daft Mr. Potter saw that Lily was undergoing a lot of stress, and that she needed someone to help her.
Where was Deidre and Andii when you needed them?
But as Lily clung onto him and continued to cry, soaking his jumper, he realised maybe he could do something to help her.
Like... what?
James pondered for a few seconds, utterly confused. He sure wished he was as smart and romantic as those dudes in those movies.
Well... James did like it (when he was upset) when his mother and father would hug him and say that everything would be alright...
Maybe he could do that.
Lily was crying out her depression and frustration on James, and was mightily surprised when she felt his arms wrap around her awkwardly.
"It'll be..." James was lost for words. If he said it'd be alright, he'd be lying, because he had no idea if everything was going to be alright.
"...a scary journey," he finished. Hey, he once heard his mother saying that to his father, "But you won't be alone."
Lily found his words... useless. And pointless. And corny.
But she smiled thinly, because hearing them coming from James Potter meant something, at least.
So that was probably why she mumbled a, "Thanks."
Even though she still felt terrible and that she had nothing to live for. She could not understand why spending a few hours in the snow made her feel like this. So... suicidal.
Lily disliked suicidal people.
So what was she doing now?
She felt like she was on the brink of losing everything she ever dreamed of. She ever owned. And in the end, she'd be alone. Because her maybe torn-apart family won't be there for her anymore. She won't have Brandon to pretend he cared for her. Dee Dee and Andii had their own lives to go on with, and anyway, Lily wouldn't be surprised if they abandoned her because she had been so daft.
What she really wanted... was someone who'd always be there for her.
But what were the odds of that?
You can't get everything you want...
What about what you needed, then?
The last of her sobs subsided and Lily steaded her breathing. James released her and looked down at her, looking concerned.
Lily looked down and thought hard about what she needed. Something to cling onto until her life returned back to normal-- or as normal as it could get.
It didn't have to be her soul mate. Just someone who cared for her.
Lily looked up at James.
He looked back at her. Then he bit his lip, got up and said, "You better get back to the castle. You'll freeze, otherwise."
She had no idea what to do. Then she seemed to come to a decision. Lily got up slowly and followed James to the door of the Three Broomsticks.
It was cold, but it had stopped raining.
James took off his cloak and draped it over her.
"Have it dry-cleaned and returned back to me by next week," he told her, before turning away and walking off.
Lily stared after him.
Then he came back.
"You want me to walk you back?"
She felt oddly warm underneath James' fuzzy and fluffy cloak. She didn't want to walk back to the castle by herself. She needed something, and James' offer to accompany her back seemed good enough.
So Lily nodded, and James, agreeably surprised, held out his hand.
"I don't want you dawdling behind me," he explained in a goofy way.
Lily shook her head slightly and smiled. She reached out and took his hand.
And hand in hand, they walked back through the snow-covered streets of Hogsmeade.
Lily's life was crumbling.
But at least she had something to hold onto.
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A/N: Ahh .. I wrote this over a year ago. Just read over it today and realised how many errors were in it, and also how much it .. 's not good! At all! It's awful, actually! I dunno why you guys bothered to review. Hehe. Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH ANYWAY! x) --MSQ.