Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho. AT ALL. Darn… And we don't own any song used in this chapter. But we do own the kids and the squirrels!
And no offense to anybody who is mentally challenged when I'm using the thing with Kuwabara being a retard!
They Had Kids!
Chapter Seven: My Onna!
-Hiei/Botan/Yukina/Shizuru/Kurama/Keiko-
"Spiked tea? Real plan? Yusuke wasn't kidding when he said these things were evil! THEY TOOK MY KIDS! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON THEM I SWEAR-" Botan started but was cut off by Yukina.
"Look! It's Kazuma!" She exclaimed and ran over to him, "Kazuma, where did you go?"
"No Yukina, It's Kazzuuuuummmmaaaaa," Kuwabara told her and she gave him a confused look.
"Great, he's stupider than he was when we ditched him," Hiei growled out, annoyance plainly written on his features.
"DITCHED ME? What are you talking about, Shorty? Oh, and everybody, I have an announcement to make," He said, and got everyone's attention.
"You're stupider than before?" Shizuru asked him sarcastically and glared at her brother.
"No! I'm a retard!"
Hiei did a face-fault and was laughing hysterically on the ground.
"I could almost agree," Kurama muttered.
"That's not news at all…" Botan stated and started giggling.
"It's not funny! Possom said I was special! Oh! And guess what? I made a new friend! His name is Bob!"
"Nobody cares! We gotta follow those squirrels!" Hiei snarled and flitted off to find Chicken and Frog.
"Hiei! Wait for us!" Botan shouted and went to run after him.
Everybody went to catch up to them, only to find Hiei and Botan bickering again.
"Why'd you leave us? They're my kids too, ya know!"
"Hn. You-"
"I love to love ya Baby!" Kuwabara started singing to pass the time, "I'm feelin' sexy, I wanna hear you say my name, boy! If you can reach me, you can feel my burning flames!"
Hiei stared at him in disgust and snorted.
"Kazuma? What are you singing?" Yukina asked him curiously.
Oh God… Was the one thought going through Shizuru's head before she covered her ears.
"Tonight I'll be your naughty girl! I'm callin' all my girls!"
"AH! MY EARS! THEY BURN!" Hiei screamed and started scratching at his ears. Kurama just pulled ear muffs out and whistled contentedly.
"Where'd you get those?" Keiko screeched and Kurama had no clue what she said, so he ignored her.
"Hey! I was talking to you!"
Kurama still wasn't listening and kept walking along the path.
"You're so sexy, tonight I am all yours boy. The way your body moves across the floor. You got me feelin' n-a-s-t-y. I might just take you home with me!" Kuwabara crowed and Botan got tears in her eyes.
"Please, Kuwabara! Just stop! Kami-sama, take me now!" She fell on her knees and presumed a praying position.
"All right! I'll just sing something else! Dip it low. Pick it up slow. Roll it all around, Poke it out like your back broke. Pop, pop, pop that thing, I'ma show you how to make your man say "Oh!" Dip it low. Pick it up slow. Roll it all around, Poke it out like your back broke. Pop, pop, pop that thing. I'ma show you how to make your man say "Oh!""
"No! No more! Please!" Botan started shouting to the high heavens. Hiei quickly fissioned over to her, picked her up, and ran away from Kuwabara. He just happened to come upon Chicken and Frog and stopped quietly in a tree. Botan was about to shout at him to let her go, but she saw the squirrels and kept her mouth shut. She hung on to him loosely as she watched the squirrels running down the path. Hiei flitted after them…
…
Kurama sighed and walked away from the crazy group of friends he has, Shizuru already ahead of him, going to find Hiei and Botan.
Yukina watched Kuwabara sing, not wanting to insult him, but her ears hurt.
"Kazuma, please stop singing! YOU'RE SCARING ME! God, you're so stupid!" Yukina screamed, having another emotional outbreak. Her eyes widened at what she say and she apologized to Kuwabara, who was on the ground bawling.
((At the Castle- Hiei and Botan))
"Finally! Those stupid squirrels found their way to the base! We can get our kids back!" Botan squealed and latched tightly onto Hiei, who was having another field day.
Hiei walked in through the front door without Botan and came face to face with yet another squirrel.
"Who you rollin wit' dog? The name's D-A-W-G, Biotch."
Hiei looked down at Dawg and had to choke back a laugh. Dawg had a red "Balla" jersey on with a white shirt on under it. He had a silver "Bling" and his red cap was on to the side of his head. He also had like ten different rings on his paws.
"Who am I 'rollin' wit? Speak English, squirrel."
"Yo shizzle nizzle, the name is D-A-W-G. You seen any sizzling onnas around hurr? 'Cuz I am a playa ya know."
At that moment, Botan chose to come in and find Hiei. She walked up behind him and grabbed his arm.
"Have you got any clue where they are yet?" She asked and then looked down to see who Hiei was staring at.
"Holy crizzle! She is bangin' dog! You know hurr?"
Botan glared at Dawg and growled out an, "Excuse me?"
"Yeah, I know her. She's my mate! Back off squirrel!" Hiei snapped.
"Now wait one minizzle! Why you all up in mah grill? You roll out dog, leave me and the broad here alone to get a little acquainted. So you can just go over thurr."
"BROAD!" Botan seethed and was about to pound in Dawg's head, but he put his hands up in a surrendering motion.
"Shizzle, dizzle! All I'm sayin' is if you like short guys, I'm your man! Imma be the shortest guy you've evurr seen!"
"MINE!" Hiei roared and went to jump on Dawg, but out of nowhere, you can hear Kuwabara rapping to "Drop it like it's hot".
"What kind of shiz is this nizzle rappin'?"
"Drop it like it's HAWT!" Kuwabara sang and Dawg winced.
"Naw! Dog, hurr. Lemme teach ya how to free style! You ain't got a clue what you talking 'bout yo!"
So, while Dawg was trying to teach Kuwabara how to rap, the others snuck off to go find Yusuke, Honoo, and Hikari.
((Tenshi))
Tenshi was sitting around, having a swig of the last acorn juice when her walkie-talkie went off, Chicken was on the other line.
"Lady Tenshi, the other Rekai Tantei have arrived on the premises to retrieve the destroyer and the brats and ruin the plans! Oh… and uh, we're out of acorn juice."
"I know that!"
"Oh… well, bye then."
"GO AWAY!"
"Fine! I thought I was your favorite!"
"I say that to everyone, you twit!"
"You… you what?"
"You heard me, now get off the line!"
"I hate you! …Rolling out."
"You've been hanging out with Dawg too much, Chicken."
"Sorry, Lady Tenshi."
"GO!" And with that, Chicken got off the line.
"Oh dear, we lost Kazuma again," Yukina said worriedly as they caught up to Hiei and Botan.
"Hn. Good."
"Hiei, be nice," Botan scolded and continued ahead, until they heard Kuwabara yelling, "Wait up!"
"That's not how I told you, get that shizzle right!" You could hear Dawg, following Kuwabara.
"Sorry, yo."
"Y'all better be. Youza balla now."
"Kazuma… what's wrong with you?" Yukina asked unsurely, looking at his new attire.
He's now wearing the same thing as Dawg…
"I'm gangsta Yukina, ya ain't hatin' are yurr?"
"Um… what do you mean, Kazuma?"
"The name's K to the Z now, Baby."
"Hn. He's even more retarded now, is what he means Yukina."
"Oh, okay!" Yukina said and smiled at Kuwabara.
"Imma prove this balla is gangsta! K to the Z, do yurr routine," Dawg said, and Kuwabara nodded. Dawg pulled out radio, and the middle of One, Two step was playing.
"Go K to the Z!" And that, my friends, is when Kuwabara started dancing and rapping.
"This Beat Is
Outrageous, so contagious, make you crave it
Jazze made it
So retarded, top charted, ever since the day I started
Strut my stuff and yes I flaunt it
Goodies make the boys jump on it
No I can't control myself
Now let me do my 1,2 step!" Kuwabara sang, and did a split. Yukina's eyes widened and she giggled at the sight.
"And, strike a pose yo!" Dawg ordered, and Kuwabara put his arms in the air as you would if you were doing the disco point.
"How did you do that Kazuma?" Yukina asked, still giggling.
"Trim Spa Baby!" He yelled, and struck an Anna Nicole Smith pose.
"Oh, god! Now that's just wrong!" Keiko screamed and covered her eyes.
Kuwabara suddenly stopped posing, and said," I have to go to the bathroom…"
Hiei threw his hands up into the air, looking up at the ceiling, "Now, of all times?"
Kuwabara jumped up and down, doing the potty dance, "But I gotta go!"
"Oh for Kami-sama's sake, let's just let him go!" Shizuru muttered, and dragged Kuwabara to the bathroom, the other's following her.
"Hey Dawg, tell me this thing has got stalls," Kurama said, and Dawg nodded.
"Yeah, shizzle! What do you think we are, dirty?"
"Yeah," Hiei coughed and Botan whacked him over the head.
Kuwabara walked into the room, said there were stalls, so everyone went in and washed their hands. They were just in the forest, you know.
All of a sudden, they heard a loud cry coming from above them through the vent.
"PPPPPOOOOTTTTYYYY!"
Botan immediately recognized the two voices, "My Babies!"
Then they heard another voice, "Shut up! Brats!"
"PPPPOOOOTTTTYYYY!"
"SOMEBODY SHUT THOSE BABIES UP!"
They heard a plop, and then everything went silent…
"MY BABIES!" Botan shrieked once more, "SAVE MY BABIES!"
Botan turned to Hiei, grabbed his shoulders, and started shaking him.
"Botan, calm down! Hiei only has one head!" Keiko yelled, and Botan continued shaking Hiei, until they heard a new voice.
"Tenshi, have you secured the children and the detective?" A feminine voice asked.
"Yes, Kariudo. We have."
"I'm gonna kill those two when we get up there! KILL THEM! THEY'LL BURN WITH THE BENCH!" Botan yelled, her grip on Hiei loosened and he took the chance to move away from her.
"You know, youza really bangin' when yurr mad," Dawg said and Hiei attacked him again, this time taking out his katana and slashing it towards the ground where Dawg was standing.
"I ALREADY TOLD YOU SHE'S MINE!"
"Hiei, calm down, we need to hear what they're saying," Kurama whispered, trying to get Hiei to be quiet.
"BUT HE'S TRYING TO TAKE MY ONNA AWAY!"
"Hiei! Not now! They already took your kids! Now be quiet!"
"HN! Fine," He said," but he better keep his paws off. Stupid squirrel."
"Hey, pimpin' ain't easy ya know!" Dawg said, in a defended tone, "y'all can just back up off me!"
Botan moved closer to the vent, trying to find out what's going on.
"Good Tenshi. We still need them to attract the forbidden child and his mate."
What do they want with us?… and why is Kuwabara still I the stall? Botan wondered, as Hiei continued to fight with Dawg.
"And of the destroyer? Why did we take him?"
"Because Canary, he was bothersome to your kind, and he will also lure the rest of those brutes. Then I won't have to deal with them trying to interfere with my plans for those damn Jaganshi's." Kariudo told her. ('Member Canary? She was the hottie all up on Chicken. LOL)
"I wonder what we did, huh Hiei?" Botan asked, looking back to Hiei.
"Well, I'm sure we've made enough enemies over the years."
"And why is my brother still in that stall?" Shizuru asked, looking over at the stall Kuwabara walked into.
"Maybe he flushed himself down…" Keiko muttered and laughed out loud at the thought. Kuwabara walked out of the stall, looking very disconbobulated.
"There's something seriously wrong with those toilets guys…"
"Like what?" Yukina asked.
"It's really, really, really, really, really small."
"That's to fit your really, really, really, really small-," Hiei got cut off by Botan's oar to the back of his head, "Hn."
"Well yo, it's squirrel sized."
"But you guys are fish. And rabbits, and possums!" Kuwabara ranted about how nasty crossbreeding is.
"Um, don't you still have to go to the bathroom, Kazuma?"
"Oh, yeah!" Kuwabara said, and started doing the potty dance again.
"Shizzle, the only human bathroom is in the throne room yo."
"Then let's go!" Kuwabara screamed and ran out of the room, going in a random direction.
"Why don't you just die?" Hiei asked, looking at Dawg.
"'Cuz I gotta keep on pimpin' nizzle!" Dawg said, and walked over to Botan handing her a small card," Call me if you evurr need a real man, onna."
"WHAT? YOU LITTLE VERMIN! I'LL SLIT YOUR THROAT! I TOLD YOU, SHE'S MY ONNA!" Hiei screamed in a fit of rage.
"Um… no, that's okay Dawg. I don't think I'll be needing this," Botan said, and ripped the card in half.
"Damn right you won't be needing it!" Hiei sneered and crushed the halves with his shoe.
Kuwabara came crashing in to the room whining, "The potty wasn't that way! Can we PLEASE go to the potty?"
"PPPPOOOOTTTTYYYY!"
Botan perked up and looked up to the high heavens, "THEY'RE OKAY! THANK KAMI-SAMA!"
Botan turned around, her eyes blazing, she grabbed Dawg by the scruff of his 'Balla' jersey, and brought him to eye level. Hiei growled at the physical contact, but noticed he was getting jealous of a squirrel, and calmed down. Like some stupid squirrel could compete with him.
"Tell me where the throne room is. Now," Botan threatened, and Dawg started shaking, losing his gangsta image.
"T-that way," Dawg stuttered, pointing in the complete opposite direction that Kuwabara went. Botan smiled, and threw him to the ground, walking out the door calmly.
Kuwabara threw his arms in the air in salvation, "The potty!"
He ran and ran and ran until he could run no more… because he hit the door. Hiei grunted and walked right by him, as did the others, and entered the throne room.
"Welcome to our humble castle," Kariudo said in greeting, "Oh and by the way, thanks for ruining my life."
((End Chapter))
Oh sorry, left you at cliffhanger! I bet Dawg got kind of annoying too, so we decided to get rid of him. And poor Hiei, having to deal with some stupid squirrel hitting on his onna…
Dawg: Hey, she was hott, okay!
Dogg: -Dawg's cousin- D-O-G-G says calm down. We all ballas hurr.
Dog: -Dawg's other cousin- Yo dogs, R&R!