Beckett closed his office door and sank into the chair at his desk. He had managed to get Sheppard settled in the infirmary, but he knew he was still sitting bolt upright in the bed and staring vacantly at the same spot he had been half an hour ago.
After they had left the chair room he had tried to coax more conversation from the man, but he seemed even more closed off and refused to talk any further about what he and the others had seen.
If Beckett squinted enough he could just make out the Major's silhouette through the frosted glass.
He leant forward into his hands and felt the emotions within him stirring.
Seeing what he had seen and knowing that it affected a friend that was dear to him had been excruciating. As it was when any one of them was bought in.
This one had affected him particularly and he couldn't stop the tears that welled up in his eyes and started to fall. He swiped at them angrily and tried to convince himself to remain calm and detached. He'd be no good right now if he kept blubbering like a baby every time he had to talk to or see Sheppard.
No, he had to pull himself together.
He stabbed at the button on the data pad in front of him and let the sound of the computer whirring to life cover his silent sobs for a moment.
When the screen finally came on he gave his eyes one last rub, took in a deep breath and set about making a new entry onto Major Sheppard's files.
He decided whilst he was there to look back to the period in which the event had occurred. He wanted to know if Sheppard had actually spoken to somebody about it all.
He found himself narrowing his eyes when he saw a data entry missing for around the time period. Where there should have been information was a clear space. He'd have to ask Sheppard about that at some point because it looked remarkably like him that something had been stricken off his record.
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When Mckay got into his lab he walked straight over to his chair and started typing on his computer. He couldn't, wouldn't, let his mind wander over what he had just seen. He couldn't imagine how Sheppard could have kept that so quiet about it,and how had he helped? By offering a measly story about how he feared how people thought about him. Well, it looked ridiculous in perspective now because he knew the feeling would be magnified five fold for Sheppard.
He turned to the coffee pot and walked over to it, pushing the switch and picking up a mug all in one fluid movement.
For the first time in his life, science seemed scary.
If they hadn't found that room Sheppard would never have had to seen that image again.
Mckay's stomach was lurching at the thought and his coffee seemed uncharacteristically unappealing.
Work, I just need to throw myself into my work, he thought and got back down onto his lab chair.
He typed for hours but when he looked later it looked like the garbled scrawling of a child.
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Elizabeth wasn't going to sleep tonight.
She felt bad because Teyla had so wanted to know what they had seen and yet she had been unable to tell her anything, but worst off all she didn't know how she was going to talk to Sheppard.
For her Sheppard had always been a pillar of strength. He never seemed fazed by anything they came across and he was quick witted, sure of himself and intelligent to boot. Sure they had come to loggerheads on occasions but that's only because he was passionate about what he believed.
They always tried to be respectful of each other, even if sometimes they didn't agree.
Damn it, his never leave men behind speech now put everything into perspective. On that first day he must have thought she was an idiot.
She was now also shocked at the sudden in depth knowledge she had acquired about a man before she barely knew.
She continued to stand just outside the door to the infirmary, pacing back and forth and wringing her hands out.
She needed to talk to him but she didn't know what to say.
She wanted to see him but she didn't have the heart to look at him.
It was all such a mess.
She willed her legs to move and with her head held high and a smile plastered on her face she walked into the infirmary.
Her smile dropped when she saw that Sheppard was still sitting up in bed, wide awake and staring off at another point in the room. He barely registered her presence and she had to say his name three times before he actually acknowledged her, albeit with a curt nod.
"I just wanted you to know," she licked her lips, "I wanted-" she paused, finding the words not forthcoming, "It doesn't change the way I feel about you."
He turned to her and raised a quizzical eyebrow.
"Not that," she said raising a placating hand, "I mean. You're still the Commanding Officer here and you will have all of the support you need. I mean it." She nodded.
He looked at her and gave her a sad smile, "Thank you."
"I'm going to…I'll leave you to sleep," she said.
She stood beside the bed awkwardly for a moment but before she left, she leant in, wrapped her arms around him and gave him a hug. She hadn't expected him to respond but his arms reached up around her and he rested his head on her shoulder briefly.
She pulled back and his hands lingered on hers a moments longer than she thought he intended, "Night."
He nodded and looked straight back at that spot on the wall again. "Night," he said when she had left.
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"Morning." The voice over his head woke him up more sharply than he would have intended, but he managed not to bolt upright in bed. Instead, he managed a composed one eye open, then the other.
Mckay was standing over him with a tray of food, in fact he had another tray in his other hand and he was balancing them both in a ridiculous manner. He looked like a clown doing a circus trick.
Great, clowns, another fear. Lets bring those to the equation too, he thought as he sat up slowly.
He silently took the tray from Mckay and set it down on his lap.
"I thought I'd bring you breakfast," he said looking up from the chair he had pulled up close to the bed, "What we got? I got you oatmeal with raisins, I know you like that. Me, I got toast and look little pots of jam. Tiny pots of jam, " he said quietly, "Jell-o, yep pudding I hear you cry, in the morning too," he waited but no response came from the Major, "And coffee, cant start the day without coffee." He looked up at Sheppard and gave him a half hearted smile before tucking into his food, "Eat," he said through a mouthful of toast, "bef….i…g…cold," he sprayed crumbs onto the floor and moved them around with his free foot. All the while the tray was making its way towards his knees, threatening to fall off, and his jell-o was sliding around as if it were making a break for it.
Oh to be the jell-o, thought Sheppard morosely.
Sheppard merely watched the spectacle and turned his face up at the oatmeal he was presented with.
He knew he was being rude not talking and he appreciated Mckay making the gesture but he lacked the energy nor the inclination to indulge in small talk when there was this massive black mark – literally- hanging in the air.
"I worked on some equations last night," he picked up another piece of toast and shoved it in his mouth, "I think my minions are getting worse at working out numerical data," he laughed to himself, "And I mean, what's the point anyway, I should be working down there on my own. Things would get done a lot faster," he laughed again, spraying more crumbs.
Sheppard nodded but his eyes were focused on the oatmeal. He wasn't making any moves to eat it, but he also wasn't making any moves to throw it against the infirmary wall.
Mckay had organised the raisins into a smiley face.
"It's your favourite," he said now waving a spoon in the air.
Sheppard picked up his own spoon and made about turning the smiley face into an un-smiley face.
"You always moan that there isn't any left in the morning, even though you get up at a ridiculous hour might I add. I get you some and you stare at it as if it's a bowl of puke."
Sheppard promptly dropped the spoon with a loud clatter and pushed the bowl away from him.
"Fine," said Mckay standing up and nearly dropping the tray again. He snatched up the bowl and put it on his own tray. He didn't fail to notice that raisins had moved.
He dug his spoon into it, swirling them around to try to get rid of Sheppard's artwork, "You gonna talk?" he stopped chewing to draw breath.
Sheppard's eyes connected with his and he swallowed thickly.
"Wow, are you about to say something?" asked Mckay, "Because if you are I'd like to immortalise this moment." He ignored Sheppard's scowl and continued to eat.
"You can be a real ass sometimes," Sheppard finally said.
Mckay nearly choked on his food, "There you go, that wasn't so hard was it?"
Sheppard sighed and raised his eyebrows before pushing the tray further down the bed.
"Why were you ignoring me?" asked Mckay.
"Why did you ignore me last night?" he countered.
Mckay shrugged and continued to eat, all the while his eyes downcast.
Sheppard rubbed at his eyes.
"I didn't know what to say to you," Mckay suddenly said.
Well, at least he was honest.
"So I hid in my lab." He supped on his coffee and looked at Sheppard over the top of the mug.
Sheppard scratched a hand through his hair, "I'm going to have a shower." He pulled back the covers and hopped off the bed, just in time to catch Mckay's drifting tray, "I'm fine by they way," he muttered.
"I didn't ask because I knew you would say you were fine and lets face it you don't talk to me anyway," he let Sheppard continue to hold the tray, "But if you did actually want to talk to me I would listen."
"You wouldn't be able to hear through your massive ego," snapped Sheppard.
Mckay shook his head, "I get what you're doing here. Fine."
Sheppard passed the tray back to Mckay but he didn't want it and tried to shove it back at Sheppard.
"And I never," shove, "Moan," shove, "About," shove, "The oatmeal."
Finally the tray dropped between the two men and onto the floor with a loud clatter.
It was enough to rouse Beckett from his office and he regarded them with a shake of his head, "Morning to you too," he said as he walked around to view the damage, "Oatmeal," he said, "Sticks to the floor like bloody cement. Thank you."
Sheppard stepped over the mess on the floor and gave Mckay a pat on the shoulder, "I'm going for a shower," he said his head hanging low.
"Wait a minute," said Beckett reaching out for his wrist, "I wanted to ask you about something."
"What?" asked Sheppard.
"There's a discrepancy in your file."
"What kind of discrepancy?" he asked sighing.
"As in some of it has been deleted."
Sheppard shrugged out of his grip and started for the shower cubicles, "You sure you haven't lost it?"
"It's definitely been taken off deliberately. Major it coincides with.." he paused, "It coincides with Davey's death and I was wondering if-"
"I don't know what you're talking about," said Sheppard setting his jaw.
"Are you sure?"
He nodded and walked out.
"Did you see that?" said Mckay, "he's hiding something."
TBC