They had been in the cave for another few hours when they started to hear the sound of rocks being moved out of the way.

"They must have bought a jumper to get here quicker," said Mckay. He was sitting beside Sheppard who had been remarkably quiet in the last couple of hours. His head was bowed and his legs were pulled up to his chest. "Are you okay?"

Sheppard didn't move.

"Sheppard?"

"I'm not really sure Rodney," he said.

Mckay arched his back in mute surprise and listened to the continuing noise beyond the rocks, "What do you mean?"

Sheppard raised his head, "Forget it."

"How can I forget it?" said Mckay, "Something's obviously wrong."

"Look Rodney, when the shit hits the fan like it inevitably will I'm going to need you to be there," he said fixing his gaze and keeping it there for a long time, "I think…I think I'm not well."

Mckay swallowed hard, "What do you mean….. sick?" His first reaction was to slide away from him ever so slowly in case he was infectious, but instead he merely said, "Was it the chair?"

Sheppard shook his head, "No."

"Then what?"

Sheppard dropped his head down onto his knees and continued his internal battle not to be ill and not to pass out. He really felt that bad, "Later," he said as he tried to concentrate on his mantra of You're okay, you're just having a bad day. You don't have a problem and when you get back you'll just stop taking the pills.

He had realised upon nearly crushing himself and Mckay that he wasn't thinking clearly. He was military and his mind was key in being alert and aware of potentially dangerous situations. He had just caused a potentially dangerous situation and it scared him to death.

As if hearing his thoughts Mckay said, "Can you believe that just came down like that?" He raised his head to the ceiling where rocks were still making their way down to the cavern floor, "You should have left them where they were," he scolded.

"Really?" said Sheppard sarcastically.

"You got a death wish or something?" asked Mckay shifting beside him, "We could both be dead right now."

He was met by silence and he sighed, "Are you listening?" He prodded Sheppard with a dirty finger, "Sheppard, Did you hear me?" Still no response, "Sheppard."

"Yes!" Sheppard said snapping his head up suddenly, "Yes I nearly killed us okay. I'm fully aware of that right now thank you Rodney." He dropped his head onto his knees, "You can tell me how much of an idiot I am later on."

"That's if we get out of here," snapped Mckay.

"We will," said Sheppard bringing his hand up to scratch at his crawling arms again. No matter how hard he seemed to scratch he couldn't quite get deep enough.

"Would you stop that?" He felt a hand grip his wrist and twist it away from his arm.

Sheppard promptly pulled it back to scratch again, "It itches, leave me alone."

"You'll make it bleed."

Sheppard sidled away from Mckay and bought his hand up again.

Rocks were being moved again and a small finger of light started to streak into the cavern and bounce off the wall near them.

"You see that?" said Mckay.

Mckay stood up quickly and moved over to the hole, "We're in here," he said trying to get his mouth to the hole.

"Of course we are," he heard Sheppard mutter from behind it.

He ignored it and waited for a response. "We're coming through, you need to step back," was the reply and Mckay obligingly moved to the side.

A second later and a large bollard type construction came through the rock and let the light in, in one massive burst.

Once the dust had cleared and settled Teyla and Major Lorne stepped through, coughing as the falling dist assaulted their lungs, "You okay?" Lorne asked.

Mckay was surprised to see that Sheppard had got up from the floor and was now standing behind him. "We're good," he said.

"We came as quickly as we could," Teyla.

"You came in a jumper?" asked Sheppard trying to keep his hands down and unconsciously curling and uncurling them.

Teyla nodded, "Yes, although we will have to walk back."

"Yeah we got a lot of manpower down here and they are exhausted, plus this equipment," said Lorne.

Sheppard pushed passed them and started to walk to the exit, "That's fine. I could use some air right about now."

"I'll walk with you," said Mckay.

They reached the outside and Sheppard could see the extent of the operation.

The bollard had been rigged up to some kind of machine and a number of men were there operating it.

"Have you seen my vest?" asked Sheppard when Teyla came out of the newly created tunnel.

She walked over to where some boxes were stacked up and she reached down behind them and pulled up his vest.

"Thanks," he said and put it on, patting the pockets and feeling the comforting indentation in the front pocket.

------------

IDC received a few hours later and Sheppard and Mckay stepped through the gate.

Sheppard was surprised when he saw Beckett standing at the base of the ramp, Elizabeth by his side and a number of other medical staff flanking them.

"Thanks for the welcoming committee," he managed to grit out.

He'd resisted the urge to take another pill even though something deep inside him screamed out for blessed relief. It had been hard and it was now proving painful but he had to be hard on himself if he was going to beat this.

He placed his arms over his vest, "What's going on?"

Mckay stopped beside him, "Yeah."

Beckett took a step forward as the gate behind them deactivated, "I need to come to the infirmary with me Major," he said as two of his team walked over to Sheppard and took him by his arms.

Sheppard shrugged them off, "What's going on?"

"Major, It would be better if we discussed this in the infirmary."

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on," he said looking between Beckett and Elizabeth.

"John, we just need to talk to you and it would be better if you co operated." Said Elizabeth.

Sheppard was confused and he raised his eyebrows, "Tell me now, what the hell is going on," and he shrugged off the two holding him and took a step forward. He felt himself dizzying but managed to stay upright despite the severe vertigo he was currently experiencing.

"Major," said Beckett walking up to him and saying quietly, "I've done some digging into your medical files and I've found something out regarding the deletion point."

Sheppard swallowed against rising bile, "Really." He knew what was coming.

"Yes and you know what was deleted."

Sheppard looked down at the floor and felt those two hands again, wrapping around his arms. He struggled, took a step back, twisted down and out of their grip. At the same time his pocket had opened the bottle of pills he had consigned never to take again managed to work their way out, fall to the floor and spill across to Beckett and Elizabeth's feet. Sheppard looked up in horror and he raised his hands, "I know what this looks like," he said trying to remain calm and composed for everybody's sake, "But Its not," he finished and looked over to Mckay.

"What are those?" he asked.

Beckett stepped over the pills and crushed some of them to powder into the floor in doing so, "Percocet," he said simply and took Sheppard arms.

Sheppard walked over to the gateroom steps by his own accord but found himself quickly losing steam and he stopped and slowly sat down on the bottom step. He put his head on his knees and let out a shaky breath.

Beckett walked over to Elizabeth, "I need you to get people back to work. I'll bring him to the infirmary in a bit."
Elizabeth nodded and looked passed him at Sheppard's still form, "Okay."

"Is he okay?" asked Mckay.

"Go to work Rodney."

"But I want to know what's going on," he said crossing his arms.

"We need to talk to him first," said Beckett quietly.

"At least tell me what's going on? It's the pills isn't it?"

Beckett licked his bottom lip and looked back to Sheppard, "I think this goes deeper than what is on the surface," he said.

Mckay nodded, "Can I come and see him later? He said he'd need me if the shit hit and the fan and I'm thinking it just did."

Beckett gave him a firm nod, "Later."

Beckett went over to where Sheppard was sitting and knelt down beside him, "We need to talk."
Sheppard raised his head, "I'm losing it again," he said simply.

Beckett's eyes were drawn to a few people on the landing, staring down at their commanding officer in confusion, "Perhaps it would be best if we went to the infirmary and spoke about this."

Sheppard rubbed at his eyes, "I'm dizzy," he said simply, "I don't want to be dragged out of here like there's something wrong."

Beckett nodded, "If you can stand up I can support you to the nearest transporter and then we can call for a gurney."

Sheppard chewed on his lip thoughtfully and looked down at his blood covered hands, "Okay."

"Okay, stand up, nobodies watching and we'll get moving."

Sheppard pushed himself up and gripped the wall for a second to breathe through the vertigo, "When was the last time you took a pill?" asked Beckett as they slowly started to move towards the gateroom exit.

"About six or seven hours ago," he said closing his eyes and stopping to steady himself.

"And when did you start feeling the withdrawal symptoms?"

Sheppard stopped bent forward and took in a deep breath, "about three hours ago," he said closing his eyes.

"Do you feel sick?"

Sheppard nodded and answered by making a "uhum" noise.

"Okay just breathe in deep," said Beckett and he activated his earpiece, "I need a gurney to the east corridor, section c," he muttered and waited for Sheppard to straighten up, "Is it just nausea and dizziness?"
Sheppard moved forward, "Headaches, some cramping in my side," he said as they reached the transporter.

"Okay, lets get you to the infirmary and we can have a wee chat."

Sheppard allowed himself to be guided into the transporter and he leant against on of the walls whilst they moved, "Beckett?"

Beckett turned.

"Thanks."

"That's okay." He said turning back.

"Beckett?"

"You really don't have to thank me Maj-" He would have continued but he was interrupted by Sheppard puking onto his foot, "Like I said,."

-

As Sheppard was set up in a private section of the infirmary Beckett took Elizabeth into his office and leant against the desk, "I'm going to talk to him first. Give him the benefit of the doubt," he said with a shake of his head.

"To be honest, it surprises me," said Elizabeth, "John just seem like the sort of person this happens to."

Beckett raised an eyebrow and rubbed at his stubbled chin, "Sometimes circumstance is enough," he said, "Pain medication can often cause an addiction to form. I've had patients before with no indication of an addictive personality, with absolutely no inclination to take drugs and yet still they've formed a dependency on it."

"But there are others who just take it?" Elizabeth asked.

"I don't believe Sheppard is one of those people," said Beckett,.

"Well, let me know what happens," said Elizabeth as she reached for the door handle.

"Aye I will."

----------

When Beckett had cleared the infirmary, he approached Sheppard's curtained off bed, and he had found him sitting cross legged on the bed and staring at his hands.

Beckett pulled on some latex gloves and started to clean them. He could see that the skin had been torn off at the knuckles, one of his nails had been broken and blood and grit clung to his fingers.

"I didn't realise I'd done it," said Sheppard looking up at Beckett. His eyes were noticeably glassy and he was looking flushed in the face.

Beckett continued to rub antiseptic over his wounds, "They're badly torn up," said Beckett, "I'm surprised you didn't feel it."

Sheppard returned his eyes to his hands and swallowed visibly, "I'm not feeling too good."

"That'll be the beginning of withdrawal symptoms," said Beckett and Sheppard merely nodded. Beckett cleaned up his hands in silence and bandaged over the badly torn areas. Finally he pulled up a chair next to the bed and sat down.

Still they sat in silence.

"What's been going on in that head of yours Major?"

"John," said Sheppard, "Where's Kate? I'm surprised you haven't hauled her in here yet."

"I knew you wouldn't want to talk with her here," said Beckett crossing his arms and sitting back.

Sheppard nodded and rubbed at his head, swiping away the sweat that had formed there and blinking lazily. "Where do you want to start?"

"Its up to you," said Beckett, "I've got time."

Sheppard let out a strangled laugh and sat back on the bed, resting his head against the head board and breathing deeply against the nausea that settled distractedly in the pit of his stomach, "It was never as bad as you think," he said looking up and catching Beckett's eye.

"You were taking them after Davey's death," said Beckett, "For your shoulder?"
Sheppard nodded and regretted the movement instantly, "Yeah, my shoulder hurt like a bitch after I tore the stitches. Turns out one of the ligaments were damaged when I…" he paused and sank back further, "I tried to move Davey and..I guess I did it then." His mind wandered back to that day and even now he could feel the gentle throb in his shoulder as he remembered feeling that sickening tear, "They put me on pain meds and I was told to stay off duty for three months, the last month was all paper pushing shit that I hated."

"What happened?" asked Beckett.

"I didn't realise I was taking so many," said Sheppard honestly, "I thought I was doing fine. My shoulder was recovering, the trial was over quickly…." He stopped and sat up to reach for some water Beckett had previously put on the side, "Taking the pain meds gave me control. When my shoulder hurt all I could do was sit there and think about what had happened. When I took the medication I could at least so other stuff and pretend it never happened. That injury was a constant reminder of what had happened." He shot up straight and nearly dropped the water, "When I realised what was going on I stopped it," he said.

"You stopped it?" asked Beckett,

Sheppard nodded, "I only took them when I wasn't flying. I realised I couldn't pretend forever and that I wanted to fly." He looked down at his hands and could feel that crawling sensation in his skin again, "It was a big mess but…I sorted it out."

"And now?" asked Beckett.

"I don't know," said Sheppard putting the water to the side and staring at it for a long time, "You all saw what happened, I hurt my shoulder again and…" he scrunched up his face and shook his head, "It's like history is repeating itself and when you offered me those meds I remembered how I had forgot it before and I guess I thought I could do the same again and stop whenever I wanted." He rubbed the sweat off his forehead, "I'm so stupid."

Beckett leant forward and reached out for Sheppard's leg, gave it a squeeze and settled back, "Pain medication can often create an addiction," said Beckett,

Sheppard nodded.

"We're going to have to wean you off it, but if you don't deal with the real problems at hand I don't think I can help you."

Sheppard chewed on his lip, "What problem?"

"Think about it," said Beckett.

"What's going to happen to me?" Sheppard asked.

"I don't know," said Beckett, "But we'll help you with this. Withdrawal isn't any fun but you're going to have to go through it." He stood up, "John, who deleted that information?"

Sheppard moved his head to the side and closed his eyes against the dizziness, "How did you find out about it?"

"A friend of a friend," said Beckett, "But they didn't find out who deleted the information, just that it was."

Sheppard pushed himself up onto his elbows and hooked his legs over the bed despite his illness, "General Michael Sheppard."

Beckett's eyes narrowed and then he said, "Father?"

Sheppard nodded, "Yeah my dad deleted the information from my file."

Beckett pulled up that chair again and sat down, "Why would he do that?"

"You ever wonder why I never sent a message home when we actually had the chance?" asked Sheppard and he pushed himself up onto his feet. He needed to pace and release the tension he felt inside, "Well that's because my father told me that by helping me, it would be the last thing he ever did for me." He laughed bitterly and Beckett wondered whether he did it to hide the apparent hurt on his face and the coldness in his voice. He stopped and wrung his hands, "He told me he didn't want a son with that on his record, even if it wasn't as bad as it looked. He was the one who organised my transfer to Antarctica. He suggested I get the hell away from anyone who had treated me in Afghanistan and make a fresh start." He hopped up onto the bed, "He wanted me as far away from him as possible. He couldn't risk being found out."

Beckett couldn't believe what he was hearing, "It was a very irresponsible thing to do," he said angrily, "Without knowing that I put you at risk of regressing and going back to the pills."
Sheppard held up his hands, "No, I never…..this wouldn't have happened again." He stopped and held his hands out flat, they were shaking, "Should they be doing that?"

"It's a common side effect," said Beckett breathing out heavily.

"Beckett, I don't have a drug problem. I've taken pain meds before without this happening, this is all-" He dropped his head and swayed enough that Beckett jumped up and gripped his shoulders, "I know you think that," said Beckett as he helped him lie down, "But you still took them again."

"I know," he said, "But you have to trust me."
"You stole pills from my cabinet."

Sheppard swallowed, "I just needed to stay in….. control." He blinked heavily, "I didn't take any of them. I wasn't going to take anymore."

"I need to go and talk to Elizabeth to update her. I want you to try and rest. Nurse Andrews will be in to sit with you."

"I don't need a babysitter," Sheppard snapped angrily.

"You do and you will."

TBC

It will be finished before I go! Please Review.