… And Now For Something Completely Different
In dedication to the great fanfic appearing in the GAH section, much of it surrounding our favorite FBI guy, Bill Maxwell.
Ladies, thanks for jump starting the writing for the fandom. It's been a long time coming!
Warning(s):
1. Please use caution when drinking carbonated beverages and reading this story.
2. Readers must plant tongue firmly in cheek.
Saturday morning, 10:00 a.m. – Bill's apartment
As the latest in the parade of Bill's girlfriends, gathered her shoes and made sure to take her toothbrush with her, Ralph and Pam stood quietly just inside the door.
Impatiently, Ralph picked up the toy Army tank that was sitting in the middle of the floor, so that the leggy blonde would not trip.
'And just what were they doing with that?' The young man thought, as he looked at it. Not wanting to further consider the answer to that question, he quickly placed it on Bill's desk, unconsciously wiping his hands on his jeans.
"See you, Tiger," the blonde called suggestively to Bill, who by this point was sitting at his kitchen table, putting another lure on his fishing hat – it was getting quite full.
He glanced up, only momentarily distracted, "Yeah. See ya, Doll," and went back to his task.
When the blonde had made her exit, Ralph firmly shut the door after her and crossed the distance to the kitchen in three quick strides.
Sitting down across from his partner, Ralph stared at Bill, who was thoroughly engrossed in the proper placement of the lure, and shook his head.
"Bill, we have to talk," Ralph said determinedly.
"Yeah, kid, what is it now?" Bill replied with irritation, still staring at his fishing hat.
The younger man pushed his chair up the kitchen table and snatched the hat out of his partner's hands, causing Bill to frown up at him.
"We need to talk about the change in your behavior," Ralph asserted, in his best school-teacher voice.
"Wha? … Wha-d-ya mean?" Bill retorted, a look of feigned innocence claiming his handsome features.
"Bill… ever since…" Ralph started, lost confidence, but then decided he had to plunge ahead. "Ever since those DVD's came out, you haven't been yourself."
Bill's sharp eyes squinted back at him. "What's a DVD?"
"It's like you're a different guy," Ralph continued.
Bill shifted in his seat, glancing from side to side, before drilling Ralph with his trademark Maxwell glare.
"Ralph, have you been stopping trains with your head again?"
"No," Ralph answered calmly. "But, you seem to be having trouble…" He scooched his chair closer and lowered his voice, "…not nailing everything that moves."
Bill stared at him incredulously at first. But, when the light began to dawn, he quickly cleared his throat and seemed to find something very interesting about his shoes.
"Ralph…" he muttered, through slightly clenched teeth. "You know we don't talk about that stuff in front of the Counselor."
But, Pam had taken a seat on Bill's Murphy bed and seemed very preoccupied with it. Ralph figured she didn't hear a word he said.
"Bill, it's been a parade of women," he argued, raking his hand through his blonde curls.
"First, there was that O'Neil lady. Then, there was that contortionist from the circus, and the tango dancer…" Ralph went on, listing over a hundred women, while Bill slowly went from twitching nervously to displaying a very contented smirk.
"As of today, you even have illegitimate kids walking around! The son you never knew about…" Ralph finished, waving his hand dramatically.
"Now, that was in the series, Ralph. That's canon," Pam's voice called from the other room.
Both Ralph and Bill froze.
"That was just suggested, sweetheart," Bill called back to her, regaining his composure. Turning to Ralph, he lowered his voice, "And, kid, that was long before these hoosie-ma-wat-sis DVD's showed up."
"My own mother wasn't even safe from you!" Ralph retorted, completely appalled.
Bill switched back to his scolded school-boy demeanor, "Now, I'm hurt, Ralph," he said defensively. "You know, nothing happened between your Mom and me."
Ralph was about to answer, when they were interrupted again from the other room.
"Hey, Bill, I think you need a new mattress… This one is getting worn out…" Pam called out casually.
Bill craned his head around the corner to see Pam, lazily stretched out on his bed. She gave him a provocative wink.
After favoring her with one of his dazzling grins, the one he knew she liked so much, Bill turned his attention back to Ralph, his features now blank, and continued, "I kind of got… distracted…"
Ralph twitched in his chair.
"Yeah, Billy. Did you ever think about getting a waterbed?" Pam continued from the other room.
"No, honey, but maybe you can help me pick one out," Bill answered off handedly, as though he was discussing their next Coke and burger run. "… that, and another fishing lure…"
Just then, there was rustling coming from the bathroom, a crash, and a bevy of whispers.
Ralph jerked to his feet and threw open the bathroom door. After a moment, he stepped back and leaned against the kitchen counter in shock.
"Bill! There must be twenty women in there!" he said, astonished.
The older man stood up, walked over to the doorway and gave the women, who were squeezed into the bathroom, a wink. "Good morning, Ladies," he greeted, stretching his shoulders and flashing them a peek at his chest.
"You're not…" Ralph stammered. "You're not…"
"Oh, them?" he replied. "Nah, kid… well…maybe… one of them… she chose me over a lot of other guys, Jack O'Neill, the guy from MASH… I had to… Besides she was really pretty. But, that's another story..."
The FBI agent walked by his flabbergasted partner toward the gorgeous Counselor in the other room. Shrugging, he turned, displaying a toothy grin, and explained.
"Kid, they're the fan fic writers…They just wanna watch…"