Confessions From Tsukino Usagi

(I don't own any copyrights to Sailor Moon, I just love it!)

White lace curtains stirring on a gentle breeze...my alarm clock chirps 7:30, and ikuko-mama calls out that I'll be late if I sleep any longer. I

snuggledeeper into my pillow, telling myself I'll just sleep three more minutes...

I'm late for school again, teacher gives me a detention, I fail another test. After school I eat crepes with my friends, a party dress in a shop window

catches my eye. It's these things I want...I want it...all back...

At least I used to tell myself that's what I wanted. I think I've matured since that time, or maybe some things have just become more important to me,

now that our pasts have been revealed. I think the only thing I want anymore is to be with my friends family, and past love. I must have asked him a

thousand times now what I did to make him stop loving me. Some part of me is already aware that asking him for the thousandth-and-one time isn't going

to change anything, but I have to believe differently, I have to try just once more.I'm home from school now; I drop my schoolbag on the floor next to my

bed and change out of my uniform.

My body is warm, even after a thousand years I can still feel his touch on my skin. I think that if we had to spend a million years apart, I would still be

able to feel his touch as though it were only yesterday. I've told him I don't care if the world crumbles around us, as long as we're together, but it only

seemed to make him more angry. It was only afterwards I realized that his tone was angry, but on the other side of his apartment door, he had been crying.

I don't blame him for whatever has happened between us, but I wish he would just tell me.

For a long time I've been trying to coax him to come out of his shell. I've always wondered why my mother sent me to live among all our former friends,

but made him live a life of loneliness and isolation. Was it a last act of revenge that when he died I killed myself in grief, she forced him to live so alone?

Was it due to some deeply etched feeling of blame that our forbidden love might have caused such a catasrophe?

I lay back on my bed, overwhelmed with a sudden fear and melancholy. I feel so small, so far-away from the things I have seen and done. Idly I twirl a

strand of blonde hair around my index finger, growing sleepier the more I think of him.

It is only in my dreams that I truly feel myself again. In those dreams I walk down the aisle, my arm in his. Somebody has uncorked a bottle of

champagne and it showers us in icy-cold droplets. He laughs, and my heart sings with a joy only be can conjure. His deep blue eyes suddenly become the

windows to his soul. He encircles a well-muscled arm around my waist and draws me closer. Feeling suddenly shy I place a fingertip to his lips and smile,

and links his fingers with mine and kisses me.

It's a kiss that sweeps through my body. There is no way to describe it other than the feeling that he is suddenly giving up every piece of himself. His heart, soul, mind, and body are devoted to that one moment, and there is nothing else.

I miss those kisses. I miss those moments when I would bumped into him on the street corner and we'd fight; I'd storm off in a fury, only to hide as soon

as I was out of sight, and try to memorize every detail of our meeting.

I used to be so torn. He could be the sweetest, most protective guy in the whole world, and than it would be like he'd noticed I was actually enjoying my

time with him, and he would do something on purpose just to ruin the moment. It was almost as though he was counting on my storming off.

I'd hate him, than I'd love him, and than I'd just want to see him again to try and sort out my feelings. For a long time we couldn't even talk to each other,

much less work out our feelings for one another: We either didn't remember our past lives, or I had memories that he didn't; Now that we have finally

overcome all the obstacles in our path, it seems a cruel joke by fate that we should be destined to part ways in this new life. Even more painful that the

thought that everything we've been through is for nothing, is the thought that our daughter Chibi-Usa, who has come to this time and place seeking the

help of the Sailor Senshi, has to see her beloved parents and best friends locked in turmoil.

I can't blame Chibi-Usa for still going to see him. After all, it isn't the two of them that are fighting, it's us. I hate thinking that we're fighting, I hate

thinking that this is how it might be for the rest of our lives. I hate the fear about what will happen to Chibi-Usa if we don't stay together, but most of all, I

hate this new life.

After everything we've been through, I'm so tired. I keep fighting for 'peace' and 'justice', 'in the name of the moon', and I keep going up against every

enemy fighting for Earth, believing in this beautiful world. I would gladly give up my life for any one of the people I love, but does that mean that I am

meant to suffer as a result? My friends continue to say 'cheer up Usagi!' or, 'look at that cute boy Usagi!', but I know what I want.

A while ago I would have looked at the cute boy my friends had pointed out, or I would have eaten lots of ice-cream and gone shopping just to forget

for a while, but I know that this time forgetting won't help. Remembering won't help either, what's done is done.

I keep on dreaming that little dream about our wedding day. I want to stay here forever with you Mamo-chan. Even if it is a dream, I just want to stay here forever...

"Good-morning Usako."

"Good morning Mamo-chan." He kisses me and I must have gotton a faraway look on my face because he asks me whats wrong.

"I was dreaming."

"About what?"

"I can't remember, it was such a long dream..." Images flash through my mind, but I can't make any sense of them, and anyway, Mamo-chan is close

andour room is sunny and bright and inviting. "Hey Mamo-chan," I tease, knowing what his reaction will be, "can you say it again? Just once more?"

He gets an exasperated look on his face."

"I already said it fifty times last night!"

"Just once more?" I beg.

"Alright," he concedes, "but just once more. Usako...will you marry me?" He gathers me into his arms; the silk sheets feel so powerful against my skin as

he kisses me. That sense that everything he is, he is pouring into me, washes over me. A golden band sparkles on his finger, it matches the one my own

hand. I lose myself in his kisses.