Summary: After a restless night Marissa goes for a drive to clear her thoughts.
Story Notes: This takes place the very next day.
Story title taken from the song "Lonely and Free" by Joe Beleznay. Check his official web site for lyrics.
Disclaimer: Still don't own me any O.C.
Feedback Notes: Thanks for your reviews. We are hitting the mother load here now. I'd really appreciate your comments. Let me know how I'm doing. These are some of the more crucial acts and I don't want to screw them up.
-----
The sun outshined the streets of Newport. It glistened over every corner, every four-way, every street sign. Marissa brought her hands on the wheel of her car and turned past the Bait Shop. Her eyes were temporarily blinded as the sun hit her face. She shifted down the sunglasses that rested on the top of her head and made sure she had a solid hold on the wheel.
Her mind was mystified with thousands of thoughts running through her head. She had decided to make a break from her mother and the confines of her house. She couldn't take it anymore, being closed in by the four walls of her bedroom. It was the safest and sanest area of the house but it offered little comfort to her last night and this morning. She had tried to sleep. But each time she closed her eyes she dreamed of how Seth would of acted had she stayed, waiting for him to come to the pool house. She wondered how she would of held her composure after knowing the truth that he had feelings for he.
She never tried to define them, the feelings. But she knew now that they were there and they were strong. She tried, countless times, to figure out what she was feeling through all of this. After all she did come inches away from kissing him. But of course she remembered how she froze up, called out Ryan's name and ran like there was no tomorrow.
She was eternally tied to the thought of Ryan. She knew she couldn't be with him. She was sure she didn't want him back. But it was so hard for her to just let go. Deep down she longed to have his touch, for him to hold her. In between the flashes of Seth comforting her or holding her hand as they talked about their emotions she flickered back to a memory of Ryan. She desperately wanted it to stop. She knew deep down that Ryan had settled into his new life and accepted his destiny as a father. Although Ryan was a man of few words she could always tell by the look on his face that he wasn't trying to harbor intimate feelings for Marissa anymore. If he was strong and brave enough to move forward and embrace his new future why couldn't Marissa? But what was her future?
The wheel shifted without her noticing. The tire turned out and smacked against the sidewalk. She was alarmed but didn't panic. She adjusted the wheel and proceeded down the boulevard.
Just a quarter mile ahead she passed their favorite diner, the place where her and Seth would spend boring summer afternoon's eating pancakes and discussing their fictional road trip of America. As the memories flooded her head she smiled.
She was too shaken up to admit that she had fully fallen for him too. While she knew Ryan was forcibly cool with his future, she wasn't so sure how he or Summer would react if her and Seth started a relationship based on something solid, something Ryan and Summer had always thought would happen with the them, respectively, but never did.
She was certain they would try to keep their cool, but once they saw how real and defined the relationship really was, they'd turn from each other and the friendships would slowly fade away. She never wanted that to happen.
She started to shift thoughts and began reflecting on the time when Seth smothered her pancakes with half a bottle of maple syrup. She laughed remembering how she couldn't fight back, how she just giggled and allowed herself to treasure the moment. They were so many moments like that to reflect on and for the most part, up until recently, they were rather platonic. They were the moments and makings of a classic and dependable friendship.
Admitting she was feeling an ach in her heart, something more, meant her relationship with Seth could one-day fall apart. She could loose his love and his friendship. That prospect scared her more. It paralyzed her. She had grown to expect his company. She had grown to trust him. She had grown to be able to share her fears, well until romantic and intimate thoughts entered their heads. Sure it didn't happen over night, but it happened. And it was changing everything.
As she approached a red light her mind paused and she felt a gnawing on her heart. She felt she owed Seth something. She felt he deserved a chance to talk. Maybe, if she approached him, he would muster a bit of strength and finally face her with his feelings. Maybe she could finally process what she was feeling, face it head on, and finally kiss him.
The light turned green and the car behind her honked their horn twice before she was jilted out of her trance. Proceeding forward down the boulevard would take her further from her home and almost out of Newport all together. Turning left would bring her almost full circle and down the road to where she could follow to the Cohen's house. A third horn startled her, but it was just before that moment she had made her choice. She turned her steering wheel and positioned her tires for a turn. She made a left turn on the four-way and vanished into the infinite, hot, sun.