Tempest of Emotions
Chapter 18: Stormy Days Ahead
By Azure Orbis
A/N– Even I have to admit that the latest installment was not my best- for some reason, I'm stuck in the first person mode and can't quite transition into 3rd person, which runs smoother as a narrated story in my humble opinion. Well, this is up soon, as promised and it should be better since it contains old stuff from an old journal. And as the note from chapter 17 said, there will be more angst and guilt. Yes, the character needs to go through this phase and then, the pain will go away; eventually. Oh and congratulation to those who made it to the 18th chapter!
1/20/06 –Slight editing, silly mistake.
It's been a month since I've been back in Seattle and things are back to normal, whatever that means. The good news it that Normal is still fooled by my excuse and still thinks Alec is many miles away, alive and still mourning the tragic death of his dear parents. I haven't seen White for a while either, she smiled a bit before sobering by the thought of Alec. I can't believe he's not alive. Not here to constantly bug me and mess up everything. I can't believe he's gone and I'm still standing here. Why did he take that bullet for me? Why did he sacrifice himself for me? I can't accept that he's really gone, that he's never coming back. I don't think of him 24/7, but he's always on my mind no matter where I am or what I'm trying to pay attention too. At least Zack stayed in Seattle, even though we only meet occasionally to minimize the chances of us getting caught by the passing Manticore-affiliated official or something. Still, the guilt of what I could have done in order to save my friends gnaws at me. They were people I accepted into my hearts, for all their strengths and weaknesses, and now their spots stand empty, vacated. How can fragile human hearts heal from such loss? Or is that they never heal completely, that there is always a hole where someone used to be? I could have done something more. This pain...I can never forgive myself, knowing I could have done more.
White had kicked her savagely in the side and gave her a backhand that sent her sprawling to the other side, a good 15 feet away. She touched her side gingerly, remembering his inhuman strength that rivaled even hers. He broke a few ribs. Dr. Carr set them and patched her up when she returned. He said she would fully heal in a few more days, a week tops, but at the moment it hurt to breathe, eat and even laugh. Not that there was much reason to laugh. Returning from another checkup, Max headed off for work.
"You're late again." Normal announced as Max walked down the ramp into her home away from home. "You're exactly 3 minutes and 17 seconds late and it's coming off your paycheck!" Normal threatened. He was more than a little surprised when Max just shrugged if off and ignored him like he was nothing more than a passing annoyance. He watched in disgust while his employees moved slower than usual. He knew he should have listened to his mother and stayed at the farm or become a veterinarian. At least he would not have the aggravation of ignored by the very people whose paychecks he signed.
Normal did not like to be ignored, so he tried a different tactic, "So did you hear anything about Alec yet? I need my top man back, especially with all you lazy bums hanging round here." Max stopped and turned around, Normal continued his lecture, "This is a working establishment, so that means you're all here to work, not sit around chitchatting about the weather. Not paying you to do that. I'm paying you to deliver things, so bip!"
Normal looked at Max before quickly turning away and returning to his dispatcher duties, she was giving him a very strange look that frankly scared him. While she usually and sometimes very promptly, would have a witty remark to rebut his lectures, all she would do now was stare at him with those almost soulless eyes that spoke of something traumatic, he didn't know what. Those eyes seemed completely void of life and hope and it gave him the shivers. Whatever it was, he hoped it would go away. Until then, he decided to avoid antagonizing the girl.
Cindy picked up her packages, waiting while Max sat down and put her own packages in her backpack, deliberately taking her time. "I'll be hanging with you today. Asked Normal to pair me up with you. He gave me a dirty look." Max grunted, signing that she heard. The packages went in, one by one.
The rest of the day was a blur, handing over packages, riding down familiar and unfamiliar streets and collecting signatures. It was like she never left and yet, everything was different now. Original tried in vain to start a conversation but Max keep every thought to herself, concentrating instead on the job ahead of her and the aimless future that kept barreling towards her.
At home, Max lounged on her bed, hoping to attain peace of mind in her bedroom. The phone rang and Cindy picked it up. It was Logan.
"You should really come over," he urged. "You know, have dinner and you can bring guests too."
"I guess," Max answered, not really wanting to see Logan anytime soon, but unable to think up of a suitable refusal. She couldn't say she didn't want to see him because she didn't want to have any awkward moments.
"Fine," she finally agreed after his persistent pleading about how he missed her. "I'll see you on Friday with OC."
"Oh," he sounded slightly disappointed, "Well, see you then." Max hung up, dreading Friday. It wasn't that she was remotely afraid of what might happen, she wanted to avoid any potentially messy situations. If it were possible, she would gladly skip Friday and go straight to Saturday or even Monday.
Friday came inevitably, and here she was, at Logan's home. Original Cindy managed to come up with several different reasons to leave the two alone while she tried mixing up some drinks. Max sat back, relaxing into the luxurious and enveloping sofa, willing tonight to be not too disastrous. Logan was silent, she looked at him and found him staring at OC peeking at them.
"She's worried you know." He commented, with a light smile on his lips.
"Yeah, I know." She tried to smile, but it did not reach her eyes. She turned away, and gazed out at lights of the city skyline. It was beautiful as usual, but Max didn't care.
"Well, I forgot I've got an appointment to be at, so I'll catch ya later at home. Drinks are in the kitchen." Cindy broke the silence with her overt attempt to give the two some much needed time alone.
"No, you can stay, I've got dinner for three." Logan protested, like the gentleman that he was. Cindy shook her head and left.
"So," Logan began when he sat back down again. "Would you like some dinner?" Max nodded. He mutely departed for the kitchen, turning on a CD somewhere along the way. Max perked up at the sound; it was piano music, soft and haunting, and yet, clear and almost sharp. She brushed off the odd feeling that began to grow on her mind
At dinner, Logan gazed lovingly into her eyes. She avoided his eyes for the umpteenth time and stared at the dish in front of her. The savory smells of lamb's ribs tickled her nose and teased her stomach, but for some reason she wasn't very hungry. Perhaps it was because of the company or the obvious attempt at romance with the candle lights, the bottle of special label wind and the soft music in the background.
"You're home; I'm glad," Logan said with a dreamy smile on his face.
"Hmmm." Max answered as she finished her glass of wine in a single gulp. Logan watched her while he sipped his. Finishing, she immediately reached for the wine bottle at the middle of the table as did Logan. Before their hands could touch he stopped, made a face and withdrew his hand hastily. Max ignored his reaction, and simply poured another cup. Swallowing it all, she poured yet another one. Finishing it off, she spoke for the first time during the meal.
"Pre-Pulse?" She asked innocently, as if the tense atmosphere that surrounded them had not existed at all.
Logan looked up from his meat, slightly startled that she had spoken. "Yeah, opened it for your homecoming. It's the same stuff that my parents drank at their wedding ceremony. I might have been conceived on the stuff."
Max nodded curtly, spoiling Logan's attempts to spark a romantic mood for the evening. She just wasn't in the mood of that kind of stuff right now.
Suddenly, Max stopped, concentrating very hard on something other than Logan's voice. Everything in the room ceased to exist, except for the sound of music that became so painfully clear. That music...it suddenly became very familiar, too familiar. All of a sudden, the memory that was stored away, hidden for months resurfaced in her mind's eye as if it was occurring right before her again.
It was when Alec was starting to act strange and for a moment, Max was able to see someone underneath the mask he put on. It came crashing down all too quickly and Max dismissed the incident, putting it up as something in the air that affected her and the people around her temporarily. Alec was no different even after she tried to reach out to him.
That night, when things came to a halting end, she heard him playing the piano in Joshua's basement. It was a melody that she had no name for and yet, it had been completely memorized by her wonderful mind. It was filled with such sorrow that she did not think an inanimate object was capable of expressing. The sadness permeated her heart, opening a door that she couldn't open before. Behind it stood someone like her, someone who was hurting.
Joshua said that the only person Alec fooled was Alec. Oddly enough, he managed to fool more than just himself, he fooled her too. The only person who saw past that was Joshua and he didn't even have that much experience dealing with emotions.
Max berated herself for not realizing the stark fact that what Alec needed was a friend, not someone to lecture him night and day about his mistakes. What was worse was that she did not pursue the matter further. I could have been a better friend, I could have done so much more. So much more I could have done so that you would all still be here...I am worthless, I didn't do enough to save them...Their deaths are on my head, their life bloods stain my hands.
Without excusing herself, Max bolted from the table, running out the door and down the stairs at top speed. Ignoring Logan's frantic calls, she rushed out of the building into the drizzling rain.
A mere dark blur due to her pace, she passed the few people outside who thought of her as nothing but the blustery north wind. She ran and ran, not knowing quite where she was going. She ran until her lungs burned and her legs ached from the sustained pace. The thought crossed her mind that she need to start training seriously to keep herself prepared for the future, before she collapsed, drawing in full breaths of oxygen while resting on an unknown road. Rested, she trudged back home slowly.
Max returned home, weary from the night's activities. Cindy still was not home. She collapsed on the couch, her mind wandering toward that subject once more. The melody of the music played once again in her head.
Someone pounded on the door and before she could open it, it swung open by itself, revealing Alec behind it.
"Alec," she gasped. Her heart stopped, he was alive!
"Hey Max," he greet her hoarsely, slowly staggering into the room.
"Alec, you're alive?" She asked in wonderment while her mind raced. "But I thought you were dead. I saw you get shot." Max started to back away from him, unsure what to believe now.
Alec rushed up to her, engulfing her in an embrace, "No, I didn't die, it was just a misunderstanding. I got away and I'm fine. Everything's alright Maxie, ya hear me? Everything's alright, I'm back and I'm not going anywhere." Alec whispered his comforting words into her ears.
"You're here? You're really here?" Max questioned him, stepping back to look at him, unwilling to believe her eyes.
"I'm really here."
"Good," she ran and hugged him again, savoring in the closeness of him.
"So, where have you been all this time?" They lounged on the couch, sagging with their combined weight.
"Traveling. You know it's really hard to get to Seattle without any mode of transportation or money. I mean, I can only run so far without anything."
"Wait a second, it takes more than a month to travel to here by foot from– you conned a bunch of sweet old ladies to give you a ride didn't you!" Max demanded after she noticed that self-congratulatory grin on his face.
"Wrong. I conned a bunch of sweet young ladies to give me a ride." He smirked at her.
"I'll bet they did," Max huffed.
"Now, now Max, get your mind out of the gutter. We did not engage in any licentious activities; they were a bunch of nuns."
"Really?" She asked suspiciously
"Really really." He smiled and then groaned, "I sound like some high school boy or that green guy."
"Green guy?" Recognition dawned on her face, "Oh, you mean Shrek®?"
"Yeah, that one. Bet you're thinking Alec is still such a screwball don't you?"
"Not true, no "screwball" as you put it would take a bullet for me." Max smiled as she hit him playfully in the arm.
"Yeah and look where it got me." He replied, smiling in return. He put his arm around her shoulders slowly, as if testing her.
"At least you're still alive." Max's tone turned somber as they sat in amiable silence.
"Yeah, I've got that at least..." His voice sounded so distant and with an undercurrent of sadness to it.
"Are you okay Alec?" Alec did not speak, staring ahead in a trance. "Alec?"
Cindy closed the door behind and was surprised to see Max already home on the couch. "Hey Boo, didn't expect to see you home already. Things didn't go well with Logan?" Cindy asked in a falsely cheerful voice. When Max didn't respond, Cindy walked over to her. "Max? Is something wrong?" Instead of looking at her, Max turned to talk to someone who wasn't there.
"Max!" Cindy shook her hard. Her eyes finally rest on her friend, evidently the physical jerking shocked her from her stupor.
"Oh, hey OC." She smiled as if nothing is wrong.
"Were you just talking to someone? Is that why you didn't hear me?" Cindy demanded.
"Yeah, Alec's here. He's fine!" Max replied happily.
"What are you talking about honey, there's no one here." Cindy spoke slowly. Her friend's words scared her.
"Alec, he's right–here." Max turned to point out the man who is obviously sitting next to her, only to find that he has disappeared. Her eyes searched the room quickly, confusion spreading on her face. "Where'd he go? He was just here, talking with me!" Her hysteria starts rising, her voice uncertain. Her eyes continue searching.
"Max, he's dead. He can't be here." Cindy planted her hands firmly on Max's shoulders, her voice cracking at the statement.
Max finally looks at her, as if noticing her for the first time, a look of horror on her face. "What are you saying? That I was only hallucinating? He was never here!" Her hands came up to massage her temples, her brain throbbed.
"I'm afraid so," she asserted as gently as she could.
"NO!" Max shoved Cindy's hands off forcefully. She got up and started to pace erratically, massaging her aching head all the while. There was no possible way she dreamt up the last half hour. He had to be real, he had to be real.
"Max, please snap out of it!" Original pleaded, eyeing her friend warily, her hands still hurt where Max tore them off her shoulders.
"No, it can't be. You're the hallucination, not him! He was here. He was here. I know he was here." Max repeated, trying to convince herself. She curled in a small ball against a corner, murmuring gibberish.
Cindy rushed over, unmindful of the possible danger. Max started rocking catatonically, back and forth.
"Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa." She repeated the strange phrase over and over again, her voice growing louder until she was nearly shrieking. Her eyes darted wildly around the place while her hands pulled at her hair. Original Cindy tried to stop her from hurting herself, only to have her hands pushed painfully away.
"Max! Max, wake up!" Cindy shook her friend urgently. "Max, please honey, you're scaring me." There was still no recognition in the eyes that would stop to look at her every few moments, although to Cindy's relief, Max had stopped rocking back and forth.
After a while, Cindy managed to lead Max to her bed where she bunked down after burrowing into the blankets like a hedgehog. Cindy pulled the curtains close, before she clamped her hand over her mouth and let out a strangled sob. Watching her friend's mind disintegrate before her, while being helpless to do anything, was devastating.
Original Cindy was at a lost, she did not know what to do. Maybe she should get a doctor to come checkup on Max, but where would she get the money? A solution came to her mind. She picked up the phone and dialed a number. She waited until someone picked it up.
"Hello? Can you come over? Max has had a breakdown."
A/N "Mea culpa" means "My fault", in Latin. It should be pretty similar to Spanish seeing that Latin is the root of many romance languages including Spanish. Anyways, my overly enthusiastic Latin teacher told us that kings used to beat their chests, saying "Mea Culpa" whenever something went really wrong, saying that it was all their fault. And then, she'd use it too when she made mistakes and so that phrase is stuck in my mind and honestly, how many times can you use Latin in the modern world? And the appearance of Alec? Well, Max was hallucinating. Call it the fabrications of a tired mind. Sorry to burst your Alec bubble. Criticisms are appreciated as usual.