Disclaimer: JK Rowling, Scholastic and Bloomsbury own all the publishing rights to Harry Potter. I own nothing, except the storyline.
Warnings: Slash pairing, HP/DM
Author's Note: The story alternates between Harry's and Draco's points of view. See if you could spot the merged point of view P. The place and setting is up for you to imagine, and the time is sometime after their graduation from Hogwarts. Thank you for reading, and please leave a review . Comments and constructive criticisms are welcome, but please refrain from flaming. Thank you
Love Reflections
Looking back at the five years that we've spent together, I can consciously tell you that the "L" word has never been said in our relationship. From the moment that we got together as an official couple at the end of the seventh year to our present five year status as boyfriends, there has never been any mentioning of the "L" word. Never. Not once. Neither he nor I have ever said it out loud. Not even as a complimenting word or a pet name. Simply, the "L" word just didn't exist in our relationship vocabulary list. Draco's been very consistent in keep it out of conversations. And I don't know why.
If other people were to examine the relationship between me and him, they'd probably find it to be very strange. For starters, we were sworn enemies dedicated to making the other's life as miserable as possible using all the tools available to us for a good portion of six years of our adolescence before we fell madly and deeply for each other in the romantic way. Another is our lack of dramatic couple fights. Maybe we've both gone through too much personal losses and pain in the last year of the War to let petty things escalate into full blown fights. Neither of us could stand the mere thought of losing each other. I treasure and cherish Harry. Maybe sometimes more than my own life. And I know he do too. And did I mention that the "L" word has never been spoken aloud in our relationship? Neither Harry nor I have ever voiced it out loud in the presence of the other. And I really don't know why.
I know that he cares a lot for me, there is no questions or doubts about that in my heart. After the war was over and Voldemort vanquished, he was the one who comforted me in the middle of the night when I had raging nightmares about the war, and not sleep himself until he confirmed that I was sleeping peacefully again after the ordeal. He was the one who kissed away my tears and hugged my insecurities into oblivion. He nursed me back to perfect health whenever I was sick and even took days off his work jus to that I won't get lonely at home in my sickbed. He always showered me with thoughtful gifts for all our special days and even treated me to an all expense paid trip to all the exotically romantic hideaways in the wizarding world as my third anniversary gift. He is the one who makes me smile on a bad day, and he is the one who paints rainbows in my sky just by being a part of my life. He laughs and cries with me, shares all my joy and pain, and is a part of me that would kill me should I ever lose it. If anybody asks me if I love Draco Malfoy, I'd answer yes in a heartbeat and mean it with the whole of my heart. The only problem is, I'm not sure if Draco feels the same way as I do.
I suppose the reason that I've never let slip the "L" word is because of my insecurity around the issue and connotation related to the word itself. You see, I was raised in a family where the concept of love was handled and presented in the most basic, artificial, surface manner. Sure, I've heard countless times of Mother and Father saying that they love each other, and I've even seen them kiss as a proof of their proclamations, but they never do anything together that would suggest to outsiders that they actually do love each other with their hearts. Never a hug, or hand holding was ever exchanged between the two. It was just the kiss to serve as their token of love for each other. Come to think of it, I'm not sure if Father and Mother ever loved each other; after all, their marriage was pre-arranged prior to their births to secure the pureblood bonds and for wealth and power. I was not created in the chaotic and passionate love between Mother and Father, but in the requirement of Father producing an heir to carry the Malfoy name, power, reputation and money. As a child, I received ample amounts of money and expensive toys and clothes for birthdays and holidays, but there were no real attachment of any love to the gifts. Growing up, I didn't feel any love coming from my parents and I learned to treat the "L" word as something sacred and should not be used in an artificial manner to please. I did not want to hurt Harry with "I love you"s that was fake. Oh I cared for him all right, and I know he cared for me too, and I do have a deep emotional attachment towards him, but I'm not sure if that's what you would call love. And I'm not sure if Harry feels the same way.
I've asked Hermione about this after she and Ron had been dating for roughly two and a half years. It was over casual drinks at The Three Broomsticks that I dropped the question:
"Hermione, do you and Ron say or use the "L" word to each other in your relationship as a couple?" She paused in mid suckling of her drink and replied "You mean the word 'love', Harry?" I nodded. "Yes we do Harry, but only when we mean it. We didn't start saying it until oh, after we've been going out for about a year or so. After all, love isn't a word you'd want to throw around nonchalantly; it's a word you use to express your deepest feelings from the heart for another person. Why? Is something bothering you Harry?" At this point I decided to tell her about our situation. "Draco and I have been together for nearly three years now, 'Mione, and I do care deeply for him. I feel it from my heart. And I know he cares for me too, judging from his actions. I mean, you saw how he refused to leave my bedside that time I caught a bad case of the flu and was throwing up all over the place, you saw…" she nodded "…but the thing is, he-er-well-we have never said the world 'love' in our relationship. Not once. Instead of 'I love you', it's 'I really really really, from my heart, like you' or 'I heart you'. We've never used the world love to compliment either. There is no 'I love the way you smile' it's always 'I melt when you smile like that'. We're not each other's 'love'; we're just merely each other's 'honey', 'beautiful' or 'lion' and 'dragon'…" "…and you wonder why that is and if that's alright?" Hermione intervened, correctly guessing my concern. I nodded. "Harry, you're right, it is a little strange that you and Draco have never expressed the feeling of love to each other, after everything that you've done for each other. Most couples would have dropped it after six months to a year of going together. But there is nothing wrong with not saying it. Maybe Draco just doesn't feel ready to share such a deep, profound and powerful emotion with you just yet. I remember I had a hard time telling Ron that I love him. While three years may seem a long time from a couple's view, it actually is not that long a time for two people to be together. Give Draco some time; he didn't exactly grow in up a loving family, so all these emotions he's been feeling from you are completely new and can be overwhelming at times. To acknowledge that he loves you would be to admit to himself that he does actually loves you, and maybe Draco just isn't ready for that. I think it's best if you stop worrying about it. When he is ready, Draco will tell you, and you'd know that he means it. It's better to wait for a sincere 'I love you' from Draco than to hurry him into saying one that he may not mean.'
That was two years ago. I've given him more than enough time, if you ask me, to process and analyze all his feelings for me. I've tried to bring it up into our conversations, but each time I wanted to tell Draco just how much I love him, I would conjure an image of him paling and rejecting me, and that image alone is enough to stop me from openly declaring my love for him.
I know Harry wants to hear me say the "L" word. I can see it in his eyes after we've had sex or other passionate and intimate activity. I can see it in his eyes when we take strolls in the beach as the sun lazily settles down in the far horizon holding hands, when we cuddle by the fireside on a cold winter's day, and when he lay his head down on my chest while stargazing together. The desire is in his eyes when he wakes up in the morning and just before he clasps his beautiful eyes close for the night. And I know he tried to work it into our conversations, but I suppose my air or rigidity regarding this issue stopped him. And I want to tell him, whisper to him that I love him. He is my life and the reason that live. I want to tell him that my heart beats for him and that for each tear he cry, it breaks my heart a little. But somehow, I just can't get those words to pass my tongue. I need him to say it first to give me security and strength to tell him. And all I want to do is to whisper in his ears: I love you Harry James Potter. I love everything that is you and I can't ever live without you. I love you more than life itself and I'm sorry, sorry to not have said this to you earlier. Harry James Potter, from the bottom of my heart, I love you.
Maybe I should initiate it. Initiate the "L" word in our relationship. I mean, I AM the Gryffindor here, and we're known for acts of reckless bravery. Perhaps Draco hasn't ever said it is because he is uncomfortable with it. I don't imagine him having ever to say it to anybody. I don't even think he's has ever used the "L" word out loud. Maybe in his head yes, but voicing it out loud, I doubt it. It did, after all, take difficulty and with plenty of help from Pansy and Blaise before he came in terms with his feelings for me. And it took him a long time to admit it both to himself and me his attraction for me. While I knew all along about my feelings and my growing attraction for him over the course of our Hogwarts years, he would have never acknowledged his feelings for me if I had not dropped the subtle obvious hint after Potions class one day. At that time, my attraction for him was growing uncomfortable and I knew that unless I relieved it, it was never going to leave me in peace. So I cornered him after Potions and flat out told him that I liked him. Oh, and being the rash Gryffindor that I was, I quickly planted a kiss on him with a quick succession of lips brushing. Then I ran off, perhaps out of shock or intimidation, I don't know. But I ran off. Draco, for his part, ostentatiously ignored and avoided my presence for the next few months. There were no insults, no snide remarks, not even as much as a glance coming from him. He even dated Pansy, and several other Slytherin girls, as if sending me the message that he didn't fancy boys, taunting me I suppose. It was complete silence between us for those few months. We were both too stubborn to do anything about it; he wanted to preserve his ego and pride, and I, well, I just didn't want to accost him again. Once was enough. Twice was just plain stupid. And purely by chance, Transfiguration brought us together. You see, McGonagall had paired us as partners for our year end N.E.W.T Transfiguration project, forcing Draco to have interaction with me. Upon the completion of the project, he invited me to an Hogsmeade outing with him. Alone. I was excited yes, but unnerved all the time. Hermione advised me to go, for there was nothing to lose and everything to gain. So I went. And it was at the path stretching from Hogwarts to Hogsmeade that he mumbled "You know Potter, I never hated you. I just wanted the attention from you. I never realized my feelings for you until that day after Potions class. And I tried to ignore it. You don't know how hard I've tried to suppress it. Dating Pansy and other girls because I thought I could easily channel those feelings for you to them. It didn't work, needless to say. I just didn't, and couldn't, foster any feelings for them. It had to be you. Nobody else can set off a reaction in me the way you could. Pansy and Blaise made me realize that…maybe a bit too late, but better late than never right? And well…I just want to say that I like you too." Then he laced his fingers through mine and tilted my chin up. And kissed me. Our first real kiss as a couple. I don't know how long we've stood in the path and kissed, but it felt like eternity. And after that, we started dating and becoming a couple. Perhaps all Draco needs is another subtle obvious hint from me for him to say the "L" word. I sure hope that's the case…because I don't want to know what would happen if that isn't.
You may wonder, why am I having such a hard time saying the word "love" to Harry? It's just a simple, four lettered word right? And if I was able to utter disgusting insults to Granger, Weasley and Harry during our youths, then saying "love" should be easy compared to the insults right? And I know that we Slytherins give off the impression that we are able to say just about anything to just about anybody, but what they don't know is that most, if not all, of the Slytherin kids came from either broken and abusive families or families that offer no safe sanctuary or love. I come from the latter while Pansy and Blaise falls into the former category. Pansy gets beaten by her mother if she does not look every bit picture perfect. Nobody ever hears those horrid Howlers that her mother sends. She keeps those hidden. It was by chance that I heard the one where Pansy's mother disowned her, with the reason being that Pansy just wasn't "beautiful, skinny and gracious" enough to uphold the Parkinson family image, and that if Pansy knew what was good for her, she would "snap her wand in half, live in the Muggle world, and suffer an unknown death there". And her mother never wanted to see her face again. Using much harsher words than those that I mentioned of course. I can't bear to repeat the exact wording; it's just too heart breaking. Pansy was sobbing and shaking with silent tears by the end of it, and to comfort her, I wrapped my arms around her shivering figure. At the contact, she immediately fell apart and sobbed out seventeen years of resentment, anger and hurt towards her mother on my chest. Nobody sees that. Slytherins weren't supposed to have feelings right? Blaise's father would get drunk and beat his mother in his blind rage. After the beating would come the raping. Then he would change his focus to Blaise and verbally assault him. Blaise's eyes were red-rimmed when he told me his story. While I count it as my blessing that my parents were neither abusive nor divorced, I didn't come from a loving family. My Father and Mother never did loved each other. I was never loved by them or by members of my family. To them, I was just another Malfoy destined to produce more Malfoy male babies to continue the Malfoy line. And I simply hated that. It was like being told that your only purpose in life was to marry and make more heirs. You had no other identity. It was just you and your line of heirs. I cried on Harry's shoulder while telling him this story. He is the only living person to know this story, other than my close Slytherin mates. I cried, out of shame, out of hurt, and out of pain. Harry understood. He didn't say anything and let me cry on his shoulder for as long as I needed to. For that act I'm forever grateful. What outsiders need to know is that the Slytherins' insults were just a façade to hide our inner pain. We were taught at an early age to not show any intimate emotion towards anybody, not even our own siblings or parents. And let me ask you this, if you were taught to never show affections for another person, how do you tell someone that you love them?
But maybe Hermione's right. Draco did, after all, grew up in a loveless family and never felt what love is. It was simply too wishful a thought to think that he'd admit that he loves me. Deep down, he may love me, but he is just not ready to come in terms with that yet. He had told me the story of his parents, sobbing on my shoulders the whole time. All I could do was to let him cry and rock him as a means to comfort him. I couldn't say anything; a lump had formed inside my throat as he painfully and emotionally told me his story. I didn't trust myself to speak, for the fear of releasing the lump in my throat. I had to be strong for Draco that one time. Draco has never felt love in his life and I was the first person that he has ever had intimate feelings for. And maybe the only reason he never said the "L" word is because he is afraid. Afraid of my reaction. Afraid of showing potential weakness. Afraid to open up the most private portion of his heart. Afraid to admit both to himself and me that he has those kinds of close feelings for me. Afraid of love. I've given five years of our time, and I think that unless I do something, Draco may never admit his feelings of love and I'm scared to think that it will be too late when he comes around to voicing his emotions out loud.
Harry's been patient with me in our relationship. Never once did he question us being together. Never once did he push for things to happen. He has always let our relationship flow according to its own course and I think this is how we've managed to stay together for five years and continuing. I appreciate him for that. Because of him, I was able to learn to care for someone else. I learned that everything did not revolve around me and that, believe it or not, money was not everything. I was changed by him. And I deeply do thank him for that. I thank God for giving me Harry before I sleep each and every night. I think God for giving me someone to help me rediscover my heart. And for giving me someone so kind, thoughtful and patient. But I can also tell that this issue with neither of us ever mentioning the "L" word is slowly tearing at his heart. He tries to hide it of course, being the Gryffindor that he is, but me, being a Slytherin at heart, could see it past his mask. I need to tell him before too late, for time waits for no one, not even lovers deeply in love.
Tonight will be the night.
We had just had our annual anniversary dinner and Draco had suggested that we take a stroll in the evening air at the beach. Walking over the soft sand holding hands with Draco is one of my favourite activities that we do together. Not only was it romantic, but it gave me a sense a closeness and security towards him. Draco stopped in mid step and handed me a small box from his pocket.
"Here is your present," I whispered to Harry, placing a hand on his shoulder and bring our bodies close together. "I do hope you like it" I watched as he opened the box and pulled out the gold band inside. His eyes lit up and he enthusiastically reached up to kiss me. I responded to his kiss just as enthusiastically.
Draco had given me a ring for my anniversary present. A swelling feeling of love, pure love, for him was quickly escalating through my chest. Perhaps this would be the optimum time and opportunity to tell him.
"Harry…" I started, staring down into his beautiful emerald green eyes. "I've placed the essence of my soul into this ring. This ring holds my soul and I wish for you to have it forever" Placing the ring slowly onto his fourth finger of his left hand, I whispered "This ring is a symbol of my fidelity and loyalty to you as your boyfriend. It symbolizes our unity as one and represents my…my…" my throat had decided to close up at the word. Just what I needed, how wonderful.
"Love," I supplied him. "Love," Hoping and praying that this would work, I stared up into those brilliant silver-grey orbs of his. "Love, Draco." I whispered to him, brushing our lips together.
It took me quite a few seconds to catch on and to realize what Harry had just said. He had said it first, breaking the barrier. And this simple realization suddenly gave me strength to go on and my insecurity revolving around that word disappeared.
"Draco…?"
"Yes Harry, love. My love for you. I'm sorry. Sorry for not saying it to you earlier. For making you wonder, for making you guess, for making you ache. I just had to be sure of my feelings for you. But now I know after five years that I've loved you all along. I will never love another in my life as I love you. There is no doubt about this, I love you. Harry James Potter I love you. You are my love, and I don't know what I'd do with you." Placing a kiss on his lips, I murmured "I love you from my heart Harry James Potter, I really do love you."
Silent tears of joy were slowly rolling down my face. So Draco did love me as much as I love him. All those years of guessing were coming to a close. I need to wonder about his love for me no more.
"Draco…" I said with a trembling voice "I've longed to hear that from you for five years. You don't know how happy, just how incredibly safe and secure I feel right now. Your love means the world to me. And I don't blame you for not saying it earlier. And Draco love, I love you too." Momentarily breaking our contact, I handed him a box, his anniversary present. I watched as he opened the box and lifted a rose petal "There are 1826 rose petals in there. One for every day that I've loved you in the past five years. I wasn't sure if you felt the same way that I did, but now I do. Draco Lucian Malfoy, I love you. You are my life, my hope, my love, and if you were to leave me, my heart would cease to function properly. I'd be empty with you. I love you too much to let you go."
Tears were rolling down from my eyes. I hadn't expected Harry to be so…open and vulnerable about his feelings for me. Love was a profound feeling that I must get used to. I still have a lot to learn about love. But for now…
Wrapping my arms around him, I pulled him in for a kiss, feeling our tongues deliciously exploring each other's mouths. Our tears mingled; I could taste it on my lips. My tears or his I don't know, but one thing is for sure, there is now love in our relationship.
"I love you," I whispered into his mouth while we kiss, forever cementing my love for him.