This was supposed to be a one-shot. I don't really know where I'm taking this. Well, kinda, but not really. Thanks everyone for reviewing! Oh, and keep in mind as you're reading this that the burns aren't as extensive as they would have been, because Obi-wan extinguished them before they had even covered his face, or gotten too deep. I hope you enjoy. Again, bear in mind that this was supposed to be a one-shot but it isn't. So, without further ado…
My thoughts drift. They have to, or I return to the unbearable pain of the real world.
But my thoughts can be no sanctuary. Not after where I've gone. I want noise, I want suffering, I want death—anything to blot out the reminder of what I've done. What I've become.
Padme…I was going to kill her. Maybe I have killed her. "Obi-wan…Master. Padme. What have I done to her? Is she alright?" My throat screams and as I talk. But I have to know. And Master is certainly making no move to speak.
"Anakin, I will not lie to you. You hurt her, perhaps badly."
Everything I've done, I did for her. I killed the innocent so that she would live. I slaughtered children for her! She must live. She must…
Obi-wan is speaking. In a softer voice. Less harsh. "She went without oxygen for thirty seconds. I don't know if any blood vessels have burst. You may even have broken her neck. I don't know. We'll find out when we get back to the ship."
The ship. She brought him here, in that ship. She brought him here to kill me. She…and him.
"Padme brought…"
"Do not speak, Padawan. Rest. Let the Force flow throughout you. Let it back in, Anakin. Let it help you."
Let the Force in me? Let the Darkness I have been a slave to control me once more? Let the fear and despair I'm feeling consume me until I'm gone again and not even a shadow remains? I cannot do that.
I will not do that.
I can see the ship now. Padme's body is lying prone on the ground. Artoo and Threepio are standing over her. I can vaguely hear the whistles and beeps of Artoo, but nothing is clear over the hissing lava and steaming ground.
We are here now, in front of the ship. "Stop. Let me see her…I can help her, Master. Let me help her…"
"Young Padawan, you need far more help than she does. This craft does not have a very good medical center. I am taking both of you to Queeshnow Buysta. They can help you there. Both of you."
Obi-wan lays me on a soft, white couch, which my blood immediately stains red. My face contorts in pain at the touch of the unfamiliar surface. Threepio is carrying in Padme behind me. Her soft cheeks are so pale. Her lovely fingers are limp and lifeless.
And I've done it.
I've done this.
I do not have the energy to speak. Instead I reach out to Master using the force. (Master…is she all right?)
(We've checked her vitals, and she seems to be perfectly fine. I'm going to take her to the Center anyway.)
(Master, I have a confession to make. Please, come back, so I can speak to you with my own voice.)
(I'll be there momentarily, Anakin, let me get Threepio and Artoo set up in the cockpit. I'll bring you some anesthesia.)
I wait. How can I tell Master about Padme and me? After all I've done, how can I strike another blow? I don't want him to be disappointed in me. But, admits a small voice, I've already done the worst I could do to him. To everybody and anybody. Maybe they weren't the ones who betrayed me.
Maybe I betrayed them.
I betrayed them.
All I ask is that he tries to understand.
"Master," I croak as he walks in the door, "I—"
"Wait—let me give you this first, it will make speaking much less painful."
He is holding a syringe. I recognize the fluid in it as Deindai. It will numb all nerves that are at all damaged. It will make me somewhat drowsy, but not put me to sleep.
But, oh how I wish to sleep. Sleep seems to be the only escape I have.
Other than death.
Though he says nothing, I can see Obi-wan thinking as he searches for a place to inject the medicine. I have no arms or legs. Eventually he settles on a vein in my shoulder. I can feel him agonizing over our situation as the medicine flows into my body.
The effect is almost instantaneous. I feel nearly strong enough to sit up, but when I try, Obi-wan places a firm hand on my shoulder and pushes me back down. "You are not strong enough, Padawan, no matter what you may feel. You must rest until we arrive at the center, and then they will begin the healing process." He is quiet. As always when I ask to speak to him, he puts no pressure on me, allowing me to tell him in my own way.
But after about five minutes when I still cannot bring myself to say anything, he seems to be getting impatient, a rare thing in a Jedi. "Come, Anakin. You must stop keeping things inside yourself. I want to help you. Please, let me."
I look up from the floor and open my mouth. No sound comes out. I try again with the same result.
I have to get this over with. I can tell him. He can help me.
"Padme...I married her."
There is silence for a moment.
"Padawan, is that all you needed to tell me? Why didn't you just say it? Didn't you know I would be on your side?"
"Master, she's pregnant. I've seen her dieing in childbirth. The baby is due. Please take her to the center, they have to save her. They must. I tried to save her…but now I can't"
I should tell him everything. He must understand.
"Darth Sidiuous…the Chancellor…Palpatine—he told me that the Dark Side of the Force held many powers not practiced by Jedi—and that one of these powers was the ability to stop death. I couldn't let her die…not when it could be stopped. My mother could have been saved too, if I'd tried harder. I tried for Padme."
"Why the children, Anakin? Surely you didn't believe that would help Padme?"
"He told me that I was not strong enough with the Dark Side. That I couldn't use my anger fully. He said…if I killed them…then the Dark Side would be stronger in me. Strong enough to save Padme. So you see…she has to live."
"Oh, Anakin. I can't see what you are."
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