"Young Skywalker," he grunts in his scratchy voice, "glad to see you with us, I am. Amazed at your turning I am."
How do you respond to something like that? "Thank you, Yoda," I reply hesitantly.
"But attachments to your family, I fear you still hold. Very dangerous this is. Too strong, I fear these attachments are. As long as these feelings, you hold, power, Sidious still holds over you."
I wish everyone would stop doubting me! But I remain calm. "Master Yoda, I assure you that my loyalty is now with the Jedi and my family. I've left the Sith"
"But," he utters with finality, "betrayed us before you have, because attachments, you held. If of any help you wish to be to the Jedi, sever all bonds, you must."
What? I'm filled with an instantaneous shock and dread. He is asking me to make an impossible decision, a cruel decision.
And yet, in a way, my mind has been made up for me since the instant I abandoned the Code and allowed myself forbidden love. So, maybe there is no decision at all.
"I can't do that, Yoda," I declare flatly, "If that is what you are going to ask of me, then I'll leave the Order."
"What?" yelps Obi-wan with surprise, "you can't do that! It's--"
"No, Master Obi-wan. Making the right choice, Young Skywalker is. Safer, it will be, for him to be isolated from the Force."
"It's not his decision I'm concerned with," Obi-wan continues angrily, "It's yours! You know as well as I do that it would be completely impossible for Anakin to sever the bonds he's created, either with other people or the Force. You ask the impossible, and then punish him for not doing it."
"Possible it is to sever connections with family. Skywalker chooses not too." Yoda answers matter-of-factly.
"I don't even understand why he must sever attachments. If he's off on his own and gets another of those visions of his, you know he'll heed it." So nice how they can discuss my future as though I'm not here.
But Obi-wan continues, "But if you allowed him to stay, then we can help him submit to the will of the Force. It's so dangerous, casting him out after what he's been through." he pauses, then adds, as an afterthought, "Besides, I was on the council, too. I have as much right to an opinion as you do."
"Influenced, you are, by connection with former padawan. Biased, your opinion is."
I glance helplessly at Obi-wan. Yoda is right, and I'm sure he'll know it, too.
But then...Obi-wan is right, as well. There is no reason Yoda should dictate our destinies anymore. Just because I'm told to stop being a Jedi is no reason to actually stop. As far as we know, after all, I'm one third of the remaining Jedi. I could keep doing what I would as a Jedi and nothing would really be different. Except Yoda wouldn't be around to give me orders. That, I decide, is what I'll do.
"Yoda," says Obi-wan sadly, "if you are going to leave Anakin because of some attachment, then I'm leaving too. I have my own attachments that I don't want to sever."
Yoda looks shocked. Now, the real power,does not include him at all. Doesn't he see? The Jedi Order doesn't exist anymore. Trying to pretend it does by abandoning people who don't follow the old code is ridiculous. It would be so much better for all three of us, the last three with any Jedi training, to band together to pass along the knowlege.
"Very well," mutters the old Jedi Master, "expelled you both are. Alone, I will rebuild the Jedi Order."
I wish he would just understand! He's the wisest of the three of us, and we could have used his help. But already he is preparing to hobble out of the room. "Good Jedi, you were. Miss you, I will. If need the assistance of a Jedi you do, find you, I will. Senator Amidala, good fortune I wish to you and your children. Anakin," he continues, "the first to return from the Dark Side you are. Perhaps the balance tipped it has."
But as he shuffles back out, barely five minues after he came in, I realize something. Today is the first time he's ever called me Anakin.
"I can't believe we did that," I mutter, in shock, "we just left Master Yoda."
"You heard him. He said himself he didn't want to participate in an Order that allowed for attachment."
"I know. I'm just a little surprised, that's all. He doesn't seem to realize that the Order doesn't really exist anymore."
"The Order has existed his entire life. It's not surprising that he can't adjust himself to the change."
Another twinge of guilt. But I fight it this time. I can't change what I've done. But maybe I can make it up to all the people who died, who were massacred--who I massacred--by recreating what I destroyed.
Thinking of this, I reach into the Force to see if either of my babies will be strong enough in the Force to become a padawan. It could work either way. The Force is usually not passed through inheritance. But because of what I iam/i, things will be different. These children would not be alive if not for the Force. Of course, we would need a midichlorian count before anything was official, but this would do--
It was incredible. They are stronger than some Jedi Master's in the way they touched the Force.
When I was a padawan, Master Obi-wan explained the Force to me like a river. The Jedi, he said, only flowed with the Force, downstream. It was much easier and more effective to do this, but it meant that the Jedi had no control over their own destinies. They went where the river took them. But some people, he explained, the sith, did not like where the river went. And so they chose to go upstream, or carve new paths for the river to follow. Because the river was so mighty, it was harder and you had to be stronger.
Like with a river, he said, all things that touched it made ripples. And because we were all different, the ripples were all different. Some people were the tiniest of fish, making little difference. Others were huge river barges, cutting the Force easily.
All those remembered lessons from long ago fly into my head as I feel Luke and Leia's pesence in the Force. Both so powerful and untamed and strong. They are both exceptional, no doubt about that.
But a part of me fears that they will share the other qualities that lead me where I am. No, I think firmly, I will not allow this to happen to them.
How? Are you going to prevent them from ever loving?
Anything.
As I reach into the Force, I realize it is different. It is a subtle difference, but noticable. The river is faster, but steadier. The seemingly meaningless ripples that once splashed up everywhere are gone. It feels more...controlled. More purposeful.
Master I ask silently, have you felt the change in the Force?
Yes he replies, can you explain it any better than I can?
I doubt it.
He chuckles out loud, breaking the connection.
A surgeon droid comes in and starts rolling my stretcher down a long hallway. With the more complicated procedures, they use real people, but for routine operations like what I'm about to undergo, droids are enough.
Padme and Obi-wan look scared. I'm not. I'm happy I'll have a chance to sleep. Sleep gives me freedom. There is nothing but my dreamland, no master but myself. No one expects me to destroy the Sith or rebuild the Jedi or balance the Force or take care of my family. In my own domain, I can just be, existing. It feels strange to have the lightness that comes from the loss of obligation, and now of guilt. Because sleep always takes away mind, and so guilt is lost as well. But so wonderful. So easy to pass the hours just existing. And now sleep is being given to me. A gift. A few hours.
And then the return. The return that always comes. And then no matter what I do I have the obligations created just by living. No escape. Always partly belonging to someone else, even if I am no longer a slave. But now forget that and melt into the silent world they are making for you and enjoy this freedom while it lasts.
I wonder if death is like sleep.
There are people all around me, surrounding me, holding me. Master Windu? I thought you were dead?
No. Just part of the Force.
And there--that child, that little one--she was dead, too. I'd killed her. Master Skywalker, help us.
No! That was what sleep held me from, from being needed, from all the things expected of me.
Master Skywalker, we can help you. I should not be lingering. I should join the others. But I wanted to ask you to please come help us. Because we can't do it much longer. You are needed here.
But why? Why did it have to be me who was needed everywhere? Expected to do everything. Needed to do everything? Why couldn't someone else be the damn Chosen One?
But it isn't someone else. It's me. And I'm needed. Even in my last sanctuary I am needed.
And for the first time I doubt I can help.
NOTE
I'm really sorry I didn't get this posted but I had major technical difficulties. Our computer got a bunch of viruses and messed up all our text editting programs. Like you could write something and save it but then you could never access it again. Which wasn't good. Plus our internet was not working. So I just scribbled this down in Notepad at 3 in the morning. I really don't know how I feel about this chapter, it might stay, it might go away and become something totally different. I personally think Anakin is spending way too much time dreaming and not really doing anything. But ya know, having him go unconcious is an easy way to pass time. So you reviewers tell me what you think, I really appreciate constructive critisism, so don't hesitate to point out anything. You reviewers are absolutely awesome, and I should be able to get back on schedule now.