Yeah, yeah, I don't own YnM, or the song Cling and Clatter by Lifehouse. And for any of my friends that might be reading this, it is yaoi. But for everyone else,Enjoy!

Tsuzuki… Something is wrong with you today. I can feel it. But when I asked you about it, you just laughed it off as usual. Idiot. You should know you can't hide it from me; I can feel every emotion you're experiencing and happiness isn't exactly prominent. Time to investigate.

"Hey, Tatsumi, has anything happened to Tsuzuki lately?"

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Not that I know of, why?"

I ignored his question and asked another of my own. "Well, is it any day of significance for him?"

"No. Hisoka, what's going on?"

I sighed. "Nothing. Thank you for your time."

Next, Watari.

"Hey 'Soka! What's up?"

"Hey, do you know if anything's happened to Tsuzuki lately?" I asked, cutting straight to the point, not wanting the crazy doctor to even start with his idiotic ramblings.

I felt his confusion before he gave me a quizzical look. "Nope. I'd think that if anyone knew, it would be you, eh 'Soka?" he said with a wink.

I fought down the blush threatening to rise, asking him about it being a significant date.

"Again, nope. Is something wrong?" he questioned, starting to sound a bit concerned.

I sighed again, getting frustrated. "No, it's nothing."

"Hey guys!" was Tsuzuki's overly cheerful greeting to us as he entered the room.

"Hey Tsuzuki! Me and 'Soka here were just talking about you!"

The purple-eyed shinigami arched an eyebrow in my direction. "Is that so? And what were you talking about? How great I am, right?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, it was nothing," I answered shortly, sending a warning glare at Watari incase he decided he needed to embarrass me.

"Alright, well I'm out. You coming Hisoka?"

"Yeah, I'm coming. Just gimme a sec, ok? I'll meet you outside."

He nodded, grabbed his black trench coat and left.

I stalked up to Watari. "Don't go blabbing about this, got it?"

He shrugged. "Sure. I just don't see what the big deal is though. I think it's sweet that you're so worried about Tsuzuki."

I snorted at him. "Whatever. I'm going. See you later Watari," I said, waving lazily at him over my shoulder as I turn to leave.

"Later Hisoka. You gonna confess your feelings for him tonight? It'll be per-" SLAM. I slammed the door behind me so I wouldn't have to listen to whatever stupid things he decided he needed to say.

I saw Tsuzuki waiting for me at the bottom of the steps and walked down to meet him.

"What do you say we go out to eat tonight, my treat," I say warily, knowing I'd probably regret this. But hey, I was desperate to get him to loosen up and maybe talk.

"Oooooh! Really Hisoka? That sounds GREAT! You're serious! Please don't be joking!" he whined pitifully.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm serious. Just don't expect this to be a usual thing, got it?" I grumbled.

"Of course!" he beamed.

We walked in silence for a while. It went from companionable to brooding on Tsuzuki's part. His feelings were getting rather dark when I decided to interrupt him.

"Tsuzuki, what's wrong?"

He sighed. "Nothing. You shouldn't worry about me," he said, throwing me pathetic attempt for a smile.

"No, I don't think it's 'nothing'. What's wrong!" This is really starting to frustrate me.

"It's not a big deal, just drop it," he said in a tone that was warning me that he really didn't want to talk about it. But I pushed on anyway.

"No! I'm worried about you damn it!" I finally snapped at him.

He looked rather taken aback, then he smiled a sad, soft smile. "Hisoka, that means a lot to me, but you really don't want to know. Let's just go eat and not talk about this anymore, ne?"

I silently agreed to let it drop. For now. Sooner or later, I was going to drag the truth out of him.

We walked into the restaurant, sat down, and ordered. Tsuzuki, of course, ordered about 5 times more than I did, but I didn't nag him about it.

When we saw the food coming, I tried to bring up the situation again, but this is as far as I got: "Hey, Tsuzuki?"

"Food, food, food, food, food, food, food, food, food, food, food, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!" he chanted happily over and over.

Then when the food was actually in front of us, "Hey Tsuzuki?"

A happy little sigh, then he stuffed food in his mouth a mile a minute. I sighed and gave up for the time being. I wasn't sure if he was ignoring me or if he just really couldn't hear/understand me in his food high.

Somehow, he managed to finish before me, as he always does. I took my time. As we waited for our check, I brought it up once more. "Tsuzuki, what's up?"

He knew what I meant and heaved a heavy sigh. "I already told you, it's-"

I slammed my hand down on the table. "Tsuzuki, just tell me what the hell is going on!" I yelled, thoroughly frustrated. Hey, I'm not exactly known to be a patient person.

Tsuzuki was dead silent, fiddling with a napkin. Apparently I'd gotten through to him, because finally he spoke up, quietly. "I…had a dream," he said hesitantly.

I remained silent, waiting for him to continue.

"And I…realized something. And…I don't think I can tell you," he finally said with a resolute shake of his head, after a moment of indecision.

"Why not?" I prompted when it was obvious he felt he had said enough. Which he hadn't.

He remained mute. Abruptly, he stood up. "I need to go to the bathroom."

"Tsuzuki! Please!" We were both rather surprised to find that I was pleading rather anxiously. He looked down at me with a bittersweet expression in his beautiful amethyst eyes and whispered, "I'll never deserve you," before walking off.

I just sat there, bewildered. What was that supposed to mean? Suddenly, I snapped out of it and realized tat I didn't feel Tsuzuki in the building anymore. I started to panic.

I barged into the restroom, shouting his name, just in case, but he wasn't there. So with no other choice, I ran outside.

I started listening hard, trying to feel what I knew was only Tsuzuki. But there are so many people and if I keep this up too long, I think my head might explode. I need to find the right voice, the one of my partner. The one of my whole world.

Too many voice, it won't take long
Which one's right and which one's wrong

How could no one see that something was seriously wrong with Tsuzuki! It's because of that stupid mask he puts on. He deceives everyone into thinking he's happy and so no one understands.

"TSUZUKI!" I screamed as loud as I could. I was surprised to hear a sob catch at the back of my throat.

And yours is most likely To be misunderstood
Screaming in tongues
On the top of my lungs
'Til I find you

I feel an almost imperceptible flicker of him to my right that was gone in another second. God, I feel like I'm about to faint with relief. It wasn't much, but at least now I know what direction to go in.

I try just walking, but I've got adrenaline pounding through my veins and I'm too worried to calmly walk, so I burst out running. Damn, he should have to pay for making me worry this much about him!

I'm kicked out of my vengeful thoughts when I suddenly feel him again, after almost an hour from the time I left the restaurant. I'm starting to gain. Good.

I heard him scream my name, and I panicked and bolted in the opposite direction.

It's been almost an hour, so I slow down then finally stop. I lean against a grimy wall in the alley and slide down along it until I'm sitting, my head in my hands. Surely there's no way he's still out looking for me. He's probably back at home in his apartment, warm and cozy, unworried. I smile bitterly. Yeah right. That's what he should be doing, but I know he's not. I know he won't give up looking for me until he either finds me or faints from exhaustion and overexertion. Stupid kid. He doesn't need to be hanging a bitter old man like me. A tear trembles then falls down my cheek. I let it.

I finally notice that running footsteps had stopped beside me and someone was taking huge, gulping breaths. I look up blearily and there he is, as beautiful as ever. He's standing straight, shoulders heaving, lips parted slightly as he pants, and gorgeous emerald eyes wide.

'Til you found me
Somehow I always knew that you would

"Hisoka, why are you here?" I ask wearily.

He trembles, then seems to explode. "Why am I here? WHY AM I HERE! I just spent the past hour chasing after you, listening so hard my head was about to implode! Why are you here!"

"You shouldn't have come after me," was all I said in reply. But a part of me is happy; it means he cares about me enough to do so.

He snorts. "Why? So you could sit here and wallow in your misery alone?"

I choose not to answer. Unfortunately, he's pretty much right.

He sighs and when he speaks, his voice is at normal volume and lacking his earlier contempt. "Tsuzuki, I want to help you. What's wrong?"

I just look away, stubbornly refusing to talk or even look at him.

He uses those long, pale, slender fingers of his to gently turn my face toward him. "Tsuzuki…" he says softly. "Please, please let me help you. It's killing me to see you like this." And I can see the pain and hurt in his eyes, just about breaking my heart.

I can't stand it anymore. I close my eyes and jerk my face out of his grasp. I can't look at his pained gaze any longer. "Stop caring so much about me. It only proves to cause trouble. More than I'm worth."

"Damn it Tsuzuki!" I don't need to be an empath to know he's frustrated with me. "I can't just stop caring about you! You mean way too much to me!"

That startles me. That was unexpected. After blinking at him, standing above me, I feel myself smiling softly, warmly at him.

"Let's go home," I finally say.

The corners of his mouth twitch upward ever so slightly, just barely, but it's enough for me. He holds out his hand and I grab it, pulling myself off the ground.

We walk together in silence toward our apartment complex (no they do not live together, just in the same building). I look over at him, studying. His wheat colored hair is still wildly tousled from his running, making me want to drag my fingers through it, feel the soft, silky strands between them. His amazing emerald green eyes are half-lidded and his lush lips pursed in thought, giving me the urge to reach over, turn him around, and kiss the hell out of him. His slim, fit body is hunched against the cold, and it I didn't already know that he'd reject it, I'd give him my big trench coat to wear. His long, slender hands that I love so much are stuffed in his pockets, and I'd much rather he warm them against me, rather than in his stupid, no good pockets.

I smile ruefully. I'm going too far. These thoughts will get me nothing but trouble. It's a really good thing that Hisoka taught me to put up mental shields to protect my thoughts if not my feelings, because if those thoughts got out to him, I probably wouldn't be standing here right now. Instead, I'd probably be on the ground bleeding heavily. No, there's no way he'd return my feelings, no way I'd ever deserve him. I sigh wistfully and his gaze darts toward me.

But then, I think about what he said. I mean way too much to him. Am I just hoping foolishly, or could that possibly mean that I have a least a slight chance? I don't know. The two possibilities are kind of clashing in my mind and it's starting to give me a slight headache.

And I am contemplating matters
Of this cling and clatter
Inside my head, and what you dais is ringing
Ringing faster

We're at our apartment complex now. I open the door to mine, on the 3rd floor, and walk in. As I'm about to close the door, Hisoka casually shoves his way in. I blink at him; I'd expected him to continue up to his own room, on the floor above mine. What was he doing?

Probably sensing my confusion, he answers me. "I'm staying here until you let me in on what's bothering you," he announced, (Well that could certainly have its perks; Hisoka, staying at my place all night? Just the thought gives me a slight shiver) shooting me a look that just dared me to do something about it. I didn't. Instead, I stared as he stretched his lithe body leisurely across my couch, his eyes gently closed and arms folded behind his head. God, I really hope he can't feel what he does to me, damn empath.

He lazily opened one eye, watching me watch him. "So?"

"You want some tea?" was my reply.

He sighs in resignation. "Yeah, sure. You know how I like it."

I nod and trudge to the kitchen. As I wait for the water to boil, I stay in the kitchen, thinking. I guess it only makes sense that Hisoka would hate me, or at least be disgusted with me if he knew. I mean, I do happen to be a guy, and he also happens to be, you know, a guy. And then there's the fact that I'm older than him by quite a bit. But even if that wasn't the problem, I've never really been able to keep someone close to me for long, so why should he be different, right? Yeah…I just don't want him to do what he did in my dream. Not that. sigh I'm tired of things 'making sense.'

And it's all good
If you would
Stop the world from making sense

The teakettle startles me as it screams. I prepare our tea, take a deep breath, and plaster my smile on my face before I walk out.

Hisoka takes one look at me and his eyes flare with anger. "Tsuzuki, stop it," he says lowly, dangerously.

"Now, what might you be talking about?" I ask calmly.

"Stop hiding! It's just me! There's no reason to hide from me!"

For some reason, when I hear that, my façade deteriorates and the feelings I've been trying to suppress start to overwhelm me. I can feel tears pushing to be released as my hands grasp my face.

I feel Hisoka's arms around my shoulders, sitting me on the couch. I finally look up at him and am rather shocked to see the pain I'm feeling reflected in his angelic face. Damn. Damn, damn, damn! I'm pushing my problems onto him! It's so much worse for him than it would be for anyone else because of his empathy. Yet, he still stays with me and tried to help. This kid is something.

"No you're not," he murmurs.

"What?" I ask confused.

"You're not pushing your problems onto me, I'm bringing them upon myself, so that maybe I can help you shoulder the burden," he says, not quite looking at me and his cheeks dusted pink.

I don't want him to get hurt! "Hisoka…" I start, but my voice is thick so I clear my throat and try again. "Hisoka, you should stay away from me." I'm dead serious now.

But he just scoffs. "I already told you no, now stop that."

"No! Damn it! Just stay away from me!"

"Why!" he challenges, a flicker of hurt in his eyes.

"Because I'm getting too close to you! Something will happen to you if you don't stay away from me!" I finally burst out after a small, tense silence.

He withdraws away from me. "That's what you're worried about?" he asks monotonously.

I nod cautiously, not sure what to make of his reaction. "That's part of it anyway."

"Tsuzuki, I'm going to tell you something and I want you to listen: What happened to everyone else in your life has nothing to do with me. I can take care of myself, and when I can't, you're there. Besides, it'll take a lot for something to happen to me since I'm already dead," he finished, teasing gently.

I want so badly to believe him, but I feel myself shaking my head already. "No, that's not true. So much has happened to you since you've associated with me. What about when Muraki took you? Neither of us could stop that. And I…I even tried to kill you myself," I rant desperately. I feel myself start to tremble.

Hisoka lays a calming hand on my forearm. "Hey, stop beating yourself up about it. My life was tangled up with Muraki before I ever knew you; he was the one that killed me, you know? And you've helped me so much more than you've hurt me. So stop living in the past. What's done is done and it doesn't matter anymore. My associating with you won't get me killed."

And if I could just realize
It doesn't really matter
It doesn't really matter
It doesn't really matter

I see a strange hope fill his eyes as I start to get through to him. Jeez, this really is a huge deal for him. "So why all the worry all of a sudden?" I question casually, bursting with curiosity inside.

I felt him get a bit nervous and watched as he fidgeted. "Well, like I said, that was only part of it. The rest of it has to do with…what I fully realized last night.

"And what would that be?" I prodded.

He looks vulnerable, almost scared. I want to just put his head in my lap and stroke his hair, comfort him instead of grill him like this. But I have to get to the bottom of this to be of any real comfort.

"…I don't want to tell you."

"Tsuzuki…Come on, it's just me."

"But you see, that's exactly it! I can't tell you because it's you!" He's frustrated, still scared and nervous.

But me, I'm taken aback. I'm confused and rather hurt. Does he really not trust me that much? My normal instinct reacts, and unfortunately, it isn't talking about the problem until it's sorted out. No, my defenses go up. I cross my arms over my chest. "Oh?" I say coolly. "I don't think I quite understand. Please, explain it to me. That is, if you can stand to talk to me." I know I'm being harsh, but frankly, I don't care right now.

"Hisoka, I didn't mean it like that, you know that." He sounds exhausted. A small part of me feels sorry for him, but it's too late; once the walls go up, everyone outside them is an enemy.

"No, I think you did. That would certainly explain why you never tell me anything and put on the ridiculous mask of false happiness."

He's starting to feel hurt by my words; I see the flicker of pain leave his eyes to be replaced with a hard angry wall. No, no, no! This is all WRONG! I'm not helping at all! I'm making his own defenses go up, making him push e away. I scream at myself to stop it here, to apologize.

"Hisoka, you're just as bad as I am about opening up! Don't you dare try to criticize me of that! And you know damn well that I did not mean to imply anything!"

Please stop! "Tsuzuki, don't yell at me!" I warn instead. No!

If I could touch the sound of silence now
You know I would if I knew how
To make these intention
Come around

"Don't yell at you!" he repeats incredulously. "You're the one who barged into my apartment uninvited and started yelling at me! Why are you even still here! I've got enough to deal with without you here, making me feel worse. So leave."

Finally, my walls crumble. As does my body; I slump, falling into myself. God, I am such an idiot! Damn it! I'm feeling tears prick annoyingly at the back of my eyes.

"Tsuzuki, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I whisper, my voice choked. "I only wanted to help."

He snorts in contempt, but I can tell he's already starting to come around and forgive me. "You sure have a funny way of 'helping'."

I get up off the couch and shuffle toward the door. Then I turn back toward him. "Bye Tsuzuki. I guess I'll see you around tomorrow," I say, still on the verge of accidentally letting go of the stranglehold I put on my tears. "And…I really am sorry."

"Yes, I know you are," he murmurs. He seems deep in thought now, so I turn to the door once more. I'm moving really slow, not wanting to leave but feeling unwelcome.

I didn't realize he'd gotten off the couch until he was standing right next to me, speaking to me. I jumped, startled. Jeez, I'm really out of it. "Hisoka, are you really leaving me?" he asks nervously. There's more to that question than someone might think.

I just kinda stared at him. "Well, didn't you want me to?"

He shook his head sheepishly. "No, I'd actually much rather you stay here with me."

I was skeptical. "I dunno. It seems all I do is cause more trouble for you. I'm not very good at stuff like this, I only make it worse."

"On the contrary. You were doing great until you blew up ay me. "I'm sorry for getting mad at you, I just feel a bit strained I guess. Please stay?" he asked softly, hopefully.

Crap, those persistent tears were threatening again! He was apologizing to me! Tsuzuki, you shouldn't apologize. It was all my fault.

He smiles softly, putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling me close to him as we walk back to the couch. The considerate gesture makes the tears spill silently down my cheeks. As we sit down, I find myself burying his face in his shoulder, hiding my tears.

Bet he gently pulls me back and grasps my chin as he looks down at me, amethyst eyes full of concern. He's pushed his problems away for the time being, focusing completely on me and what's wrong with me. With how selfish I am, I so don't deserve to be anywhere near this guy.

"Hisoka, what's wrong? Are you ok?" he asks worriedly.

"Yeah," I sniff. Ugh, this is so embarrassing. "It's just…you're being so nice and worrying about me when I don't deserve it. This is supposed to be about you, not my petty insecurities." I feel like a spoiled brat.

He just smiles gently again, giving my shoulders a quick squeeze. "Don't worry about it 'Soka. You deserve every bit of kindness you get and more," he says tenderly, brushing his lips across my temple.

I feel myself blushing. I know the gesture was probably meant to be more motherly than romantic, but still… "Tsuzuki…" I sigh.

I feel him tense. "I'm sorry Hisoka. I really shouldn't have done that, but…" he trails off, fidgeting nervously once more.

"Come on Tsuzuki, tell me! Please?"

He looks hard at me. At first, I'm afraid I made him angry with all my pushing and prodding. But then, I feel a tidal wave of thoughts and emotions and realize he's taken down his mental wall. I gasp and fall back against the couch, panting under the unexpected weight of it.

Out of the whirlwind that is Tsuzuki's mind, I catch one thought, strong and clear: 'I love you Hisoka.'

I swear, I stopped breathing, my heart stopped beating for a few seconds. When he saw what his mental demolition derby did to me, he immediately put it back up and leans over me, worried again.

I see his lips moving, but I'm still hearing his strongest thoughts, all jumbled together and indecipherable. I try to listen to what he's saying above me instead, but it's not working. That one phrase keeps circling around and around in my head: 'I love you Hisoka.'

I'm hearing without listening
And believing every word
That you're not saying
Speaking without a sound

An overwhelming sense of worry and mounting panic snaps me out of my thoughts. "What-?"

"Hisoka! You're okay! Jeez, you nearly gave me a heart attack there!"

I stared at him intently. There was no hint that this could be a joke, but is it really true? "Why'd you do that?"

He blushes. "Well, I-I wanted to tell you something, but I didn't feel like I could actually say it, so I, well you know." He shrugs. "I guess it didn't work," he mutters, sounding both relieved and dismal.

I shake my head. "No, I think it worked, all right." I continue staring intently at him, but I don't see any trace of deceit or laughter or anything. "So…was it…true?" I start trembling. "Do you really mean it?" I whisper.

"Would I go through all that trouble if I didn't," he counters, refusing to look at me.

"I guess not." I'm silent, staring at him still. I'm waiting for him to look at me.

But he takes my silence as disgust. Crap. "I'm sorry Hisoka. Damn! I knew it'd happen like this." Tears streak between his fingers, head in hands once more. "My dream was right. That's what happened last night; I told you and you were so disgusted with me, you never wanted to see my face again. And then…things happened, and…yeah, it was horrible. I should have kept it to myself, but last night…last night I realized I love you even more that I myself thought. I love you with all my heart," he sobs.

I'm silent a few more seconds, then I casually comment, "That was a nice speech." I'm being mean and teasing right now, but I feel light headed, giddy. He actually said it. And he very obviously means it.

And I am contemplating matters
Of this cling and clatter
In my head, and what you said id ringing
Ringing faster

He lashed out viciously and shoves me off the couch. "Hisoka, don't mock with me. Don't you fuck with me! Get the hell out!"

I must say, I'm shocked. Tsuzuki isn't usually one to lose his temper. "Do you really want me to?" I ask softly. "Because if you do, I will."

"No, no, I don't want you to leave," he moans miserably.

"Then what do you want?"

I guess he figures he has nothing else to lose. He takes a deep, shuddering breath. "What I really want is for you to stay with me. For you to kiss me and tell me I worry too much and call me an idiot in that gentle, condescending way you do. And I want you to love me, to truly love me."

He has his head hanging, as if it's too heavy for his neck to support. He looks thoroughly defeated, and I hate seeing him like that, it tears my heart in two. But he said the right thing.

He doesn't see the corers of my mouth twist up into a sly grin, nor does he notice that I'm walking back toward him. I stop right beside him, my heart racing and still unsure of myself. But I do it anyway, because he's worth it. I lean down and whisper lowly in his ear, "Good. That's what I wanted to hear."

His head whips up and I take the chance to catch his lips with mine. I push him back so I can crawl into his lap before losing myself in our kiss. Ah, his lips are smooth, soft and firm at the same time. His arms wrap around my waist, pulling me closer, as close as possible. I lock mine around his neck. I can feel that we're both in emotional bliss.

'OMG! He's in my lap! And he's kissing me! Ah, God, Hisoka!' All coherent thought is lost. Hisoka's quite the devilish vixen.

My hands leave their place at his hips and skim up his sides, finally indulging in my earlier urge to run my fingers through his hair. It was just as soft and silky as I'd imagined it'd be. My hands freeze as I feel him pull my lower lip between his and suck on it gently. Then he did the same to my upper lip, then back again. Ohhhhh man! Who knew Hisoka would be the dominant one? But there was something incredibly hott about letting the 16-year-old take control over me.

We finally parted for required air, panting. "You worry too much, idiot," he murmurs, resting his forehead against mine, and saying exactly what I'd asked him to. Now there was just one more thing I needed to hear. "I love you, Tsuzuki."

I was slightly surprised to see him blush at that. Hisoka looked sexier than ever, flushed and out of breath and way too close. I found myself laughing giddily.

He glares at me until I stop laughing. I nuzzle my face into the crook of his neck. "Mmm…that's good. I don't think I'd ever be able to let you go after that kiss. You're a damn good kisser Hisoka."

He just grumbles under his breath and I smile. Then he yawns and I feel myself yawning in reply. We're both tired for all the emotional drama, but I don't feel like moving. Oh well, this is a pretty comfortable couch. I wrap my arms around his waist again and pull him down to lay with me.

He sighs and snuggles closer to me. I smirk. I guess he's not feeling so dominant anymore.

"No, not really, just tired," he responds sleepily. "You're not very good at rebuilding mental walls in a hurry," he says in answer to my unspoken question.

I brush his bangs out of his face and crane my neck to look down fondly at him, snuggled against my chest. God, so heart-breakingly beautiful. I don't deserve him, but I'm glad he's here with me. Even if it just for now.

"You're too hard on yourself. There's no reason for you to not deserve me; if someone doesn't deserve the other, it's me. So just drop that. And I'll still be here tomorrow. And for as long as you'll have me, you big idiot. That's enough comforting pep talks, now let me get some sleep," he grumbles.

I smile softly. "Ok." I kiss his forehead softly and murmur, "Good night, love." I hear his mumbled "G'night" before falling asleep.

Well, that's all. It was my first YnM and my first yaoi fic, so how did I do? Ok? Horrible? If there's something wrong, let me know, please? Were they way ooc at the end?Thanks! Ja!