Disclaimer: I own nothing… though I wouls LOVE to own Draco, Ron, and Rupert Grint … yea I'm one of those
A/N: HI tis I… um no idea where this came from just popped into my head one day so read and review pleeeease. For those of you who actually read my other fic I SWEAR I am working on it no worries blah.
He never loved me… all those hours spent in his bed and yet he didn't care. He never quite got that he was the ONLY one for me. The only one I could ever love. I remember the first time I saw him, we must have been 9 or 10 'cause my mum hadn't given me "the talk" yet (that is another story all together). His white blonde hair was shinning in the sunlight and his eyes…gods his eyes! Even at such a young age they pierced through me. Like they knew all of my secrets. I fell in love with those eyes.
I was so happy that we were in the same house; well really I was happy that I hadn't let the sorting hat put me in Ravenclaw. I sat next to him in the common room just starring, soaking up his greatness, always looking at those eyes. I made my move third year. One day we were sitting by the fire alone and I leaned against him. He shrugged me off, and looked at me. I thought I would die, his eyes held so much pain…" Not now pet… not now" was all he said. I nodded and made some excuse, and as I was about to leave he pulled me down and kissed me! My heart was soaring my soul was screaming and from that day on I was always his. The next morning I was surprised that he didn't take my hand and walk me to breakfast. He ignored me in all our classes, at all the meals. But at night, by the fire when we were all alone he looked at me with those eyes with so much tenderness I thought I would die of happiness.
In our fourth year he asked me to the Yule Ball. I spent hours looking for my dress. The night before the ball he told me to meet him in the common room at 2. Any other girl would have laughed and would not have woken up that early but I would do anything to keep those eyes looking at me. So I dragged my self out of bed at 2 and went down to the common room. And there he was, waiting for me with my Yule dress in hand. I asked him what was wrong and all he did was throw the dress in the fire. I wanted to cry and scream but one look from him told me if I did I would lose him, and my heart would never let me do that. He motioned for me to come closer, and I did. He pulled out a box and said that this was the dress I was going to wear. I opened it and saw the ugliest material in the worst color, pink. I shut off my brain that was screaming in protest and smiled and him. He started to laugh and then he pulled me into one of those kisses that would make any girl blush. That night we made love in his room for the first time. We did that every night.
After the last task when Potter came back with Cedric's body I clung to Draco for protection. And for the first time he held me back. That night when we made love I looked up and watched his face. I watched how his eyes brightened right before he came. I noticed that his eyes didn't hold any pain or malice, that for a moment it seemed like he let go. It made me feel like the queen of the world to know that I could do that for him.
That summer Draco's father sent him to a Death Eater training camp. All of the families with good breading did that. I wrote him everyday the whole summer but I never got a letter back. My mother told me not to worry; she said they didn't have time to write considering that the training was so hard. Like a fool I believed her. Two weeks before the start of fifth year Draco showed up at my window. I lead him to my bed and made love to him like so many times before, but this time the pain in eyes never eased, it only grew. After we were done I curled up beside him and started to fall asleep but he shoved me off, put on his clothes, and left me all alone.
Fifth year he ignored me, I tried everything to get him to love me again. I let all my grades drop thinking he liked the dumb girls. When that didn't work I joined up with him to help that horrid Umbridge women. That didn't work either… I thought I would ceases to exist if he never looked at me again. At the end of the year Umbridge told us that we were going to round up the troublemakers that night, I could have cared less. But Draco's eyes seemed to shine at the prospect so I pretended that I was excited too. When we raided there little meeting Draco pushed one of them up against the wall. It was a girl. The most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life. I hated how he was so close to her, it made my heart ache. I watched them intently for a few seconds and then I saw it. The image that will haunt me till the day I die… they smiled at he each other. In all the years that Draco and I had been sleeping together he had never once smiled at me. I started moving towards them and she noticed me. She gave me this little smirk and threw a curse my way. The next thing I remember was waking up on his bed. I had no idea how I got there but I could care less. I tried to get up and leave but he pulled me back and kissed me. I was powerless, I let him make love to me that night... but inside my heart was breaking.
After that night I began to see other people. Rumors spread about me being a slut but I didn't care. I was looking for someone to take away the pain in my heart. To fill that whole that Draco had left. No one ever came close, but for a few brief moments during sex I felt wanted and needed again. So that's what I did. I had mindless sex with anyone who was willing. Sure after wards I felt used and dirty but I couldn't stop. To me anything that would take my mind off of him was worth doing.
The day I caught them sneaking around together was the last sane day of my life. It was the middle of our sixth year. I was walking down the hall by that spot were we made the raid against those stupid muggle worshiping freaks, just minding my own business when I heard his voice. It was telling someone to be quiet. I crept slowly around the corner and I saw them together. I could feel my heart breaking into pieces. He grabbed he hand and pulled her into a kiss. My kiss! Then he did something that he never did to me… he smiled. I had seen enough, I turned on my heel and ran all the way back to my room. That night he came to my room. He said he heard that I had been crying. I couldn't speak... I just let the tears role down my face. "How dare you speak to me" was all I could get out before succumbing to my tears.
I have lived the rest of my life reliving the past. You could ask me what year it was and I would not know. You could ask me if the Dark Lord was still around and I could not say. To me it is never warm only freezing. To me the sky is always a piercing gray, like his eyes. It is useless to cry now but I can't help it because the only thing I know for sure is that he has never loved me. So sad that that is all I have to cling too, my only sane thought. Mum comes to visit me every once and a while. She has to keep reminding me where I am. Apparently after that night I went crazy and tried to kill that girl. So now here I am permanent resident of St. Mungos. Me Pansy stuck inside my own mind… wonder how his life turned out. I wonder if he sometimes thinks about me deep at night. No, of course he doesn't. I realize that now. I realize that I have wasted my life loving a man who has never loved me.