Title: Cut me
Author: Hepzheba
Rating: T/PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter, all characters belong to JK Rowling. The song Cut me belongs to Her Majesty. Nothing belongs to me.
Summary: Not a very happy songfic about Sirius' and Remus' last days together before that Halloween night 1981.
A/N: Wrote it in swedish at first, so it turned out quite weird in english O.o I shouldn't need to say this, but I wrote it while listening to the song Cut me.
If I woke you up
Could we have a go again?
Try to get things right this time?
Where did I go wrong?
Did you know this all along?
You know I can't go on without.
Sirius moved closer to Remus. He could feel the heat from his lover's body, so close to him. This was the way they should sleep – chest to back and the legs entwined so you couldn't see where the one man ended and the other begun.
It was a long time since that now and Sirius knew that he shouldn't lie with his arms around Remus' waist and his cheek to Remus' shoulder, but he couldn't keep himself from the other man for so long. And he couldn't stand Remus' questioning eyes every day, asking a silent question why they hardly ever talked to each other anymore. There was one simple reason why Sirius had taken distance to his lover. He knew that Remus was the traitor Albus Dumbledore had told him about, but still he couldn't bring himself to hate the other man.
He didn't even realise when he started to cry, but noticed that when Remus woke up and turned around. He looked anxiously at Sirius. Remus shouldn't look at Sirius like that. A traitor shouldn't be worried for one of his enemies.
"What is it, love?"
Remus caressed Sirius' cheeks, caught the tears with his thumbs and wiped them away. Sirius didn't know what to answer; he couldn't bring himself to tell Remus the truth. Instead he buried his face where Remus' neck and shoulder met. He felt Remus' beautiful hands slowly caress his bare back. Sirius closed his eyes, pushed away all thoughts except the one that told him that Remus was there with him now. He carefully kissed Remus' neck. Remus pulled him closer and Sirius' lips slowly continued upwards until they met Remus'.
They should have continued to live as they usually did if Sirius hadn't seen the letter which was addressed to Remus, lying on the desk in Remus' office. The letter to Remus from Lord Voldemort or another Death Eater. To Sirius it didn't matter who had sent the letter, they were just as worthless every one of them. Sirius hadn't been able to control his curiosity when he saw Voldemort's mark on it. The worries that they may hurt Remus were too big. He opened it and read it, but when he was finished he did no longer want to know what it said. It was better to live in a lie than to know that your boyfriend was a traitor. Sirius had tried to keep away from Remus, which was really hard as they lived in the same apartment.
It didn't take long before Remus realised that something was wrong, but when he asked Sirius kept telling him that he only was tired. He knew that Remus didn't believe him, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Remus that he knew that Remus was the traitor. For once he didn't want to be right, he didn't want to hear Remus say that he was right, that Remus was the traitor. But even though Sirius ignored it, he knew that they couldn't go on forever like that.
Please hear me out.
Forget all your doubts.
Hey! You're shutting me out.
Don't you know that's what this means
Whatever you dream it's not for the better
I can't let go and you know just what I mean
And if you cut me out you might as well cut me
Remus couldn't understand what had happen between him and Sirius. They had always been able to talk about everything, but now they didn't even spoke polite to each other. It was so wrong. Actually Remus knew why it was like that, even though he preferred to pretend as if he didn't.
It started the day after he had gotten the letter from the Death Eaters. Sirius had been quiet and reserved when Remus came home from his work. He thought that it would be over the next morning, but he was wrong. It was that night he understood.
He had burnt the letter, the humiliation that Voldemort wanted him to join them, only because he was a werewolf, was too big. But he still remembered what it said. Join us, creature of the dark. We have people who are watching you. Remus went through the note in his memory over and over again and at last he thought he was sure of what it meant. We have people that are watching you. Sirius was a spy for Voldemort; Remus knew he was, even though he didn't like it, not at all. He tried to speak with Sirius, trying to make him say anything, but Sirius merely mumbled excuses, said he was tired and disappeared from there.
When Remus came home from his work a week later he found Sirius in their bedroom. He sat on the bed with a photo album in his lap. To Remus he looked even more beautiful than usually. The shoulder length, black hair hung down in his face and covered parts of his face. Remus stopped in the doorway and looked at him without saying anything. Sirius hadn't seen him yet, deep in the memories that were awoken by the photos. Every now and then he raised his hand and pulled away some strands that fell down in his grey eyes. At last Sirius raised his head and the beauty almost took the breath out of Remus. Sirius looked at him some moments before he turned his gaze to the photos again. Remus slowly walked up to him and sank down on the bed beside him. He hoped that Sirius wouldn't come up with a lie about that he had to cook or something. Sirius stayed. Remus relaxed and looked at the pictures over Sirius' shoulder. It was pictures from their time at Hogwarts.
"Do you remember this?"
Sirius showed with his index finger which photo he meant. It was from their last year and they all sat at a table in the common room. Sirius and James were laughing at something so hard that they couldn't breathe, Peter was chuckling and Remus shook his head with a small smile on his lips.
"Remember what happened after that?"
Remus nodded barely visible, but it seemed as if Sirius were talking to himself more than to Remus.
"We went to the kitchen, you and me."
Remus nodded again. He remembered more than well how they had been on their way to the kitchen when they heard Filch, the stubborn caretaker, come. Sirius had quickly pulled him and Remus inside a broom cupboard. They had stood close inside there until Filch disappeared. When Remus was about to step out, Sirius grabbed his wrist and pulled him into a kiss. Remus remembered how his heart had beaten faster. The kiss ended too quickly, according to Remus. Sirius had stepped out of the cupboard and when he realised that Remus hadn't followed him he turned around and looked at him.
"Are you coming, or are you going to stand there all night?"
Sirius smiled a little, but seemed unaffected of what just had happened. Remus stepped out and looked at him, confused.
"What... what... happened?" he finally forced himself to ask.
Sirius' smile got broader and he rolled his eyes.
"Don't you understand? Or maybe you need a better demonstration?"
"I could need that, yeah" Remus nodded with a small smile.
Sirius smiled and took the steps between them and their lips met. Remus had heard that Sirius was a good kisser, but he had never imagined that he was this good. He forgot about everything else and let himself embrace Sirius harder. When he felt Sirius' tongue to his lips he willingly opened his mouth and shivered when he felt Sirius' tongue to his own.
"I remember" Remus said slowly and smiled at the memory.
"Do you remember all the nights we spent together?"
Sirius turned around and looked at Remus with a sad smile. Remus nodded. How could he forget?
"Do you know what I also remember?"
Remus shook his head; he couldn't have said anything, even if he had wanted to.
"This."
Sirius leaned closer and their lips met.
"Me too" Remus breathed against Sirius' lips before they kissed again.
And there'll be no hope
For the boy who's lost his soul
There's not enough rope to pull ashore
Remus awoke in the middle of the night by Sirius' muffled sobs. He lay closely against Remus' back with his arm around Remus' waist, as if to keep him from running away. As if Remus could ever leave Sirius. He turned around and looked at his lover.
"What is it, love?"
Why did he cry? He was the traitor, he shouldn't be crying, should he? Remus caressed his cheeks, wiped his tears away. He should hate Sirius, not be worried for him, but he couldn't. He forgot everything else when he felt Sirius' lips to his neck.
"Remy" Sirius whispered between the kisses.
The tears were running down Sirius' cheeks, but he didn't care. Remus kissed his cheeks, feeling the salt taste of tears, Sirius' and his own. They made love as if it was the last time, more passionate than ever before. At last they fell asleep in each others arms. The sun had already begun to rise.
Remus awoke later that day, Sirius was still asleep. He stayed there for a while, taking in the well known scent that was so unique for Sirius. Reluctantly and carefully so he didn't awake Sirius, Remus got up and pulled on his clothes for another day at work.
"We'll talk later when I get home" he whispered, even though he knew that Sirius was asleep.
But he still hoped that Sirius some how could hear him.
"I love you, come what may" he continued and kissed Sirius' lips softly. "I love you."
He sneaked out of the bedroom, not knowing that Sirius had woken up when he sat up. Sirius stayed in the bed, thinking of what would happen. He knew that they wouldn't have a future together. A spy for Voldemort and a member of the Order of the Phoenix. That would never work, both men knew that.
Sirius stayed there for some hours, not knowing how he made the time pass by. When it started to get darker he decided to talk to James Potter, to ask his best friend what he should do. He pulled on his clothes and roamed away to the Potters, not knowing what sight that would meet him when he got there.
Please hear me out. Forget all them doubts.
Hey! You're shutting me out
Don't you know that's what this means
This webs that we weaves are not for the bitter
Still, I can't let go and you know just what I mean
If you cut me out you might as well cut me
Remus got home ten minutes after Sirius had left the flat. He had been thinking of Sirius the whole day and he knew that they some how could make their way through this. He got disappointed when he realised that the apartment was empty.
"He'll be home soon" he tried to assure himself.
He went to their bedroom and fell asleep the moment he laid down, with the thought that they would make it.
The same moment that Remus closed his eyes, Sirius' eyes got wide at the sight of the death mark above James' and Lily's house.
And there'll be no hope
For the boy who's lost his soul
Just give me enough rope...