The Revenge of Mr.Bean
Written by Roy Mustang
THE TRUE STORY OF EDWARD ELRIC, THE BEAN
"Well Maes, it's time for bed."
Maes Mustang, Roy's five year old son, smirked at Roy and burned the seat of his pants before running screaming to his mother, Riza, that Daddy was trying to kill him. Roy grumbled as he swooped little Maes from off of the floor and carted him off to bed, promising not to hurt him too badly.
Maes whined at him. "Daddy... I want a story!"
"A story, eh? How about... the Flame Alchemist?"
"You already told me that one."
"Uhh... Al and the Wedding Cat Chorus?"
"That too."
"A Lieutenant and Her Dog?"
"Yep."
"Have I told you... the Revenge of Mr.Bean?"
"Ooh! No, no, you haven't told me!"
"Alright. It all starts when Mr.Bean blew off his arm and leg because of sheer stupidity. He raced down to a midget mechanic and asks for automail or they would all be cursed forever. They give him automail and he becomes so short that an ant would call him an ant, or as an unfortunate cockroach would say, "Ooh, look! I found a dime on the road! Or is it a bean?" But shortly after there would be the bloody and gory mess of what used to be the cockroach, because Mr.Bean was a violent killer who everyone would fear for the rest of their lives. Except me, of course.' "
"What next? What next?"
"Well, wanting to destroy the military forever, he kills Edward Elric who also has an automail leg and arm (you remember uncle Ed, don't you?) and takes over his body, and also kills Alphonse, Ed's brother (you have to remember Al), so Mr.Bean's brother could take over. They joined the military and Mr.Bean became a State Alchemist. Trying very hard to gain the military's trust, he saves the town of Lior but shortly comes back to destroy them all with an evil dummy of the prophet Cornello. He kills a random old man on the street with his automail arm, sucks his soul, and gains more power until he has more power than all of the military commands put together! But I, the Flame Alchemist, Roy Mustang, challenged this evil perpetrator and force him into battle. I snap my fingers, creating a gigantic spark, knocked the Fuhrer back a couple of feet and burnt Mr.Bean, but Mr.Bean uses the power of the Homunculi and regenerates..."
Roy Junior, Roy's first son, poked his head into the room and looked at them quizically. "Are you telling him the story of Mr.Bean?"
"Yeah."
"That's a good one, I just wanted to tell you that cousin Ed is coming over for the night."
"Did Fullmetal say it was alright?"
"Yes Dad, and I asked Mom too. And I promise we won't use any kind of alchemy that might damage the house, okay?"
"Alright, alright, let me get Maes to bed.
"Anyways. I quickly realize that he is somehow using the air around him to regenerate and I damage him again, leaving him badly singed and bleeding. Mr.Bean tries to regenerate again, but I use up all the air around him for my flames and he inhales smoke instead, damaging him further. He staggers towards me and tries to slit my throat with his automail, but I snap my fingers, 'Boom!', I melt his automail, and then again to melt his automail leg. Then, I take the three Philosopher's Stones out of his chest and realize that (I'm assuming) he's absorbed Lust, Gluttony, and Envy as well. He loses a tremendous amount of power, and I set Mommy's dog, Black Hayate loose on him, and with one lick, Mr.Bean falls over dead. Mr.Bean's soul then goes back into the real Mr.Bean, who was actually a grasshopper, and falls into the bloody mess of the dead cockroach that he killed... uh... a few days back. Mr.Bean dies and the soul of Edward Elric slips back into his REAL body and he awakes. I thought that at first, Mr.Bean hadn't had enough, but then an idea found it's way into my head and I asked, " 'Are you real, you little shor-' " " 'SONOFAGUN! DON'T CALL ME SMALL! I'LL BREAK DOWN YOUR FEET AND STICK'EMONYOURHEAD!' " cried the real Edward Elric, which was very easy to see, and I knocked him out and went to the Fuhrer. I asked for my reward and all he gave me was a book called, 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Following Rules and Regulations'. I glanced at him, cursed, and went away.
"A few days later, I heard the souls of Lust, Envy, and Gluttony had returned to THEIR bodies, unfortunately. I shrugged my shoulders, tossed the paper away, and went back home where a tiny bean looked at me and punched me in the nose.
"It was a very bad day for this bean, for I recognized it was the revived Mr.Bean, who had somehow turned into a real bean, because I was VERY VERY hungry. You see, Mommy got mad at me for doing something she didn't like and refused to cook that day (or give me any smooching that night... -sigh-), and I picked it up and ate it. I was kind of expecting a nasty and bloody taste in my mouth, but it tasted like a full-course dinner. Sometimes I wonder if I should've kept him in the freezer instead...
"News came that other people who had been killed by Mr.Bean had come back to life, thank God, because Mommy's dog died from licking evil Mr.Bean. I don't know why, he tasted good to me...Breda, Fuery, and unfortunately, your uncle Havoc came back to life as well. If Mommy's dog was still dead... well... let's just say I wouldn't have been around long enough to be your daddy, and I would've met little Black Hayate in the afterlife soon anyway." He petted Black Hayate who was sleeping next to Maes.
"It was a good day for me, relaxing in front of the warm fire, the fuel provided by the Fuhrer's book, still digesting the bean, and your mom forgave me too. And that's my story, well, Mr.Bean's story.
"And from this day on, you'll address your uncle Ed as 'Mr.Bean', okay? That's what everyone calls him now. Good night Maes." He bent down and kissed Maes's forhead, clicked off the light, and went to stop Roy Junior and little Ed from massacering each other with alchemy.
Woohoo, new story for all of my fans. This is the craziest story I've ever read, and I cannot take full credit for it. This was actually written by my ten year old brother and he requested that it be posted on FFNet. You should've seen the original though, it definitely needed a LOT of tweaking to be made into what it is now. This actually has a sequel... so... another one should be followed up to this. The next one is called... 'The Horror of Mr.Bean's Brother'. Enjoy.
-T A